KATZE'S DIARY
by Hakucho-E
Summary: The story deals with the post Dana burn period and involves mainly Katze and Raoul. Summary found on first page. The genre is angst, suspense, drama, violence and romance. Warnings are given at specific chapters.
1. Prologue

_Hello,_

_Nice of you to jump on to this page. Hopefully you will enjoy the story written. This story is taking place after Dana Burn and many of the events are taken from real live events. It deals with upsetting issues such as trafficking and some things are based on documentaries and true cases and may upset some people._

_The adventures of Katze are also taken from real live events that most can identify with; such as expectations that may seem completely impossible to live up to. It also deals with the conflicting emotions of being isolated or choosing to, and confusion of being thrown into a new society where you don't feel comfortable and the troubles of having to face the demands. The story has taken form over quite many months now, as I dedicated basically most of my spare time to it. Every Saturday and most Sundays I was sitting at a particular Café Nero in London (at which I am now quite well-known of obvious reasons) writing on this story from noon till 6 pm and putting down things I saw, heard and experienced._

_The science part is also real, although some parts a little taken over the edge, but near possible or in developmental stage. Thus not all you read is sci-fi. In fact some of it are the projects I work on._

_Thus, do not expect this story to follow the canon entirely for I have given the characters freedom to develop. If you are the kind of person who id very fond of following the exact character form presented by the original authors, please stop reading now, for you will most like not enjoy this one._

_As for everyone else, I hope you will enjoy it…_

**_To all the Katze and Raoul lovers out there…_**

* * *

**SUMMARY:** Iason and Riki have perished in the flames at Dana Burn and Katze decides to leave Amoi for good. By a twisted fate of probable chance, he stumbles upon Raoul Am at a conference and is persuaded to return to Amoi and work or the Tanagura Biomedical Center in order to develop a software for a specific type of research Raoul is conducting. In the beginning, Katze finds his new job a challenge, but past memories and the unbreakable charm of Raoul Am has a dangerous influence on the young lad. Staggering and feeling lost, he seeks comfort on the net and find an anonymous friend who opens up his eyes to what has happened on the Black Market during the past years. Katze realizes that he has left a hole behind that had been filled with ruthless poachers of females Pets who are artificially impregnated with Blondie fetuses who are then smuggled as exquisite Pets to other parts of the solar system as well as higher casts on Amoi. The poaching results in tremendous amounts of deaths and the more Katze gets involved the more he realizes that Raoul is involved. Although threatened by all layers of society, the former trafficking lord needs to revive his contacts form the depths of Ceres and find the truth behind the Blondie Pets.

* * *

_Due to the character of the text, in form of a diary, I have tried to keep the lacing of the text to a minimum. But to be able to build up at least some of the emotions sprung from interactions only taken part through a third person, I have used a more colorful language to invite the readers to a deeper interaction with the characters. However, do keep in mind that the text is not as narrator text._

* * *

**KATZE'S DIARY**

PROLOGUE

**Tragedy…**

Tears were falling. It was unusual, but there they were, gathered on the floor as well as in his palms as he wiped those salty rivers off his face. The cigarette was trembling either between his fingers or between his lips; they were trembling for about ten minutes at a time, before being replaced by another. He was ever so tempted to pick out the black one and put it between his lips, but each time he made an effort to light the Black Moon, his strength faded and the cigarette remained dead. Just as he was now that Iason Mink and his lover, Riki the Dark, had perished in the flames at Dana Burn.

Katze lifted his head and glanced through the window. It had been three nights since the dramatic death of the two lovers. Iason Mink had been Katze's employer for years. The mongrel had spent most of his adolescent life at the house of Lord Mink, who could be as brutal as he was captivating – and yes, he had managed to captivate even the cold heart of Katze.

The young mongrel from Ceres had given up everything, including his ability to ever be able to feel pleasure again, just for the sake of working for the Lord and his kind. It earned the young redhead a great deal of money and though he tried to forget those years, he was forever marked by a scar that ran across his beautiful face. It was something his former Master, Lord Mink, had blessed him with for Katze's disobedience. He had hated Iason for that, but his anger had dissipated and turned to something Katze thought was his closest feelings of love, but it had never been returned. And now, his torment was over on more then just one level: Iason Mink was dead, and although it felt as if the entire Universe was collapsing, that traitorous sun rose above the horizon as it had done for billions of years and set behind the mountains as if it didn't care about the burdens of the world. Why would it? It had seen worse, and the death of one more of the billions inhabiting a lonely planet, such an event was of no consequence in the essence of time. It was a mere fraction of a second in historic perspectives. A fraction of a second. Katze sighed and threw the last butt across the room, not even bothering with putting it out. He watched as the butt fought for its last breath as the glow slowly suffocated on the tiled floor. Only the Black Moon remained in the packet. He looked at it for a little while then threw it into the flames in the fireplace. It was time for a change. It was time to stop mourning.

* * *

**Three years later…**

Raoul was sitting in his armchair of Bordeaux leather and kept on looking at the screen on his terminal. An invitation to the annual Biochemical Network of Excellence, BIONEX, was holding a special course on software development for biochemical research. The past months Raoul had completely lost his passion for his work. He had lost his passion period. The death of his beloved friend was haunting him like a demon; tormenting him day and night, year after year. It had been so unnecessary…so crazy.

It was time to put it all behind him, but it was very difficult. Raoul started to suspect that Jupiter had not done a very good job in creating him, for a Blondie was supposed to be completely devoid of emotions. Why wasn't he devoid of them? Why was he tormented by feelings and terrible memories that seeded pain within his chest? It starved his soul of affection and nothing seemed bright anymore. The lavish parties had lost their shine, the wines flowing were bitter or sour, and the people around him were just faceless icons, witnesses of Jupiter's genius.

Raoul scanned the invitation. Apparently, a new software program had been developed to cope with those heavy, dimensional protein-modeling that some of his employees were working on. Besides, he had been cooped up in his office without any proper human contact for weeks. Raoul had isolated himself and he could feel that it was getting to him. He was easily irritated and his emotional state was rather imbalanced. Yes, perhaps getting out a bit and mingling with people would do him good.

* * *

**The BIONEX conference**

So many attendants, so many programmers, and so many uninteresting people talking about their petty problems. Raoul nodded compliantly as his fellow Blondie complained about his problems considering the new crew at his department, but Raoul hardly heard a word of what was said. The discussion was empty and the words slipped by his ears without even touching his eardrums. As the final drop of tasteless wine washed down his throat, he smiled back at his companion and left the small party of conceited Blondies with a lame apology to visit the lavatory.

He walked about between the stands and the advertisements for numerous companies. As his mind was unconsciously battling the impressions surrounding him, he caught sight of someone he hadn't seen for a long time. Could this be really true?

"What is he doing here?" Raoul mumbled to himself. Of course, Katze was a good programmer and a talented software developer, hence it was no surprise that someone such as he would be attending this conference. But why Katze of all people? No, he had no interest in approaching the redhead. Raoul had been trying to escape the past for a long time, there was no need to re-awaken the distressing memories. The Blondie turned and swiftly moved away from the area.

Katze looked back again, but there was nothing to be seen. Were his eyes playing tricks on him? Did he really spot Raoul among the flaxen crowd? No, it must have been a mistake. He thought he had put all those memories behind him, yet characters from a previous play in life were appearing before his eyes. No, he had to be mistaken. He took this sudden interruption of his peace of mind as an excuse to leave the stand and escape the endless enquiries about the newly developed programs for biochemists.

Katze stepped outside the monumental edifice and sat down on the large staircase of white marble. He lit his cigarette and leaned back on the stairs, watching the afternoon sky. It was warm outside and some lost little birds were chirping from the top of the flanking statues that were depicting goddesses from past mythologies. They were very beautiful and Katze drifted into the thought of what life would be like if lived alongside of females. He looked at a goddess glancing down on him from her pedestal. Her bulging muscles could reduce any man to shame and jealousy, and the sharpness of her features was worthy a proud Blondie. Yes, perhaps some female interference was needed on this crazy Blondie planet. He sighed as the last puffs of the cigarette slithered down his lung. The sun had moved only slightly over the sky and most of the day still remained. He would have never attended this silly conference if it had not been for his employer arranging for an exclusive hotel in exchange for Katze's presence. After all, Katze was the developer of the program his employer was launching, and thus his presence was needed to answer those detailed questions only he understood.

The redhead unwillingly left his comfortable seat and brushed the dust off the back of his trousers as he stood up. He cast a swift glance at his watch. It was time for the next session and his employer was to present their breakthrough development. As required on the basis of common respect, Katze had to attend this meeting in case difficult questions should arise. However, he would remain in the background for as long as he possibly could.

Katze entered the large lecture hall and seated himself in the back row, and just as he was about to slide lower down in the comfortable chair, five minutes into the lecture the most dreadful sight struck him on the other side of the row. Raoul Am.

"No!" Katze shouted from within. "This can't be!"

The mongrel swallowed hard and tried to focus, but the screen at the front was becoming increasingly blurry. His ears started ringing as his blood was surging through his head like a violent river.

"Why here? Why now? Why Raoul? Why after so long? Why? Why…?"

The questions were piling in his mind but none could be answered, not through logical reasoning at least. He was confused and felt he had to leave the session. Without even considering his employer's possible need of assistance, Katze stumbled out of the auditorium and rushed to the lavatory. His stomach was upset and emptied the previous lunch with a violent cramp. His arms and legs became extremely heavy, pulling him to the floor until his knees merged with the white tiles. He felt almost as if he was rooted to the floor and not able to stand up. Either that or his torso had suddenly turned into lead, placing a heavy load on his legs and pushing him to the ground.

After his body had recovered from the cramps, Katze managed to stagger to the nearest washbasin and wash his face. He raked his fingers through his fiery hair and stared into the mirror. A pair of sorrowful honey-pearls looked back at him. Yes, his eyes were sad, yet there seemed to be a tinge of hope trapped somewhere in their depths. Perhaps this resurrection of the past was for the best. Maybe it was time for him to face it. However, not today.

Raoul sat the entire session through, but he hardly paid attention to what was being delivered by the presenter. The words were all but a soaring hum in the background as his mind was preoccupied with the busy thoughts crowding up his mind. He had been staring at the blue carpet for forty-five minutes, until the sharp noise of clapping hands cut through the air. It ripped him back to reality. Before the crowd started to leave their seats Raoul hurried out of the auditorium and ordered his chauffeur to drive him back to his hotel.

The trip back to the lavish suite seemed an eternity, but once Raoul had arrived and stumbled into the safety of his own room, he swallowed a sleeping pill and washed it down with a glass of cognac. Darkness…

* * *

**Beating about the bush…**

If Katze was in the diner, Raoul was to be found in the hallway, far across the diner; if Raoul was in the auditorium, then Katze was probably hiding in the crowd at the stands at the display area; and if Katze was in the men's room, then Raoul made an effort to go up to the floor above, so as not to bump into the redhead. Two days passed by this way, but no matter how hard they tried to avoid each other, the gathering was small. Even if the conference centre was one of the most magnificent on Amoi, it was still too small to escape an intruding presence. A silent battle was raging on between the two, but both fought for the same reason – to escape the past.

Finally, the inevitable came. Lord Raoul Am sneaked into the auditorium and took the seat next to Katze.

"How cheeky," The redhead mumbled internally. "He didn't even ask for permission."

Apart from that rudeness, it was confusing and troubling to see Raoul again. It brought back painful memories and suddenly, it was difficult to breathe. The room seemed ever so crowded, although none other than Raoul was sitting in the immediate vicinity. Katze tried his very best not to stare but as Raoul lost himself in the lecture held at the presenter stage, the redhead cast a swift look at the impertinent Blondie who had not even had the decency to greet him.

The honey colored eyes shifted nervously between the stage and the Blondie beside him as tormenting thoughts filled his head. The young man's chest was heaving with shallow gasps, and each time he made an effort to disguise his shortness of breath, his lungs responded by screaming for air. The effects of heavy smoking were showing clearly. Sweat was breaking out on his forehead and palms, and he had to sit on his hands not to reveal that they were trembling beyond control.

"Don't worry," A soothing, deep voice caressed his ears ever so kindly. "It is difficult for me too. I can leave if it will make it easier for you."

Katze widened his eyes and was just about to agree to that last statement, when words unlike his character slipped from his lips.

"Do you make a habit of being late?"

Raoul snorted a smile and responded humorously, highly inappropriate for a Blondie of his caliber.

"Only when I am planning on sleeping half way through."

Katze dropped his jaw, "Sleeping?"

Raoul nodded but didn't turn to face the redhead as he spoke.

"I've been attending every seminar these past days and I hardly understand, or even care about what it being said. The figures and scripts running up and down the monitor are more soothing than sleeping pills..."

"Have you taken sleeping pills?" The question just escaped Katze's lips on tiny wings of maliciousness. "Isn't it a bit…unbefitting of a Blondie?"

Raoul remained staring ahead and, with an extensive exhale, he slid further down the chair to assume a more comfortable position. He didn't bother about Katze's arrogance and instead focused on the seminar.

The redhead knew that Raoul had always been a man of his word – that at least is what Iason used to say – and that was true even now, for about twenty minutes into the seminar Raoul leaned over saying, "Wake me up about five minutes before it's over."

Katze rolled his eyes and leaned to the opposite side of Raoul. The Blondie was right, some of these seminars and lectures were really dull. Even the reprimand he received from his supervisor for leaving the most important session - when they presented their own work of course – had been more fun to suffer through than this particular lecture. He constantly glanced at his watch, but today it seemed as though time was standing still. He took a deep breath and stretched out a little so as to prevent his limbs from slipping into numbness. As he moved about in his chair he accidentally brushed against Raoul's arm at which the Blondie shot up from his chair, clapping his hands and commenting on a well-preformed session – which was still on-going. Curious eyes turned to scrutinize the impertinent person interrupting the seminar and Katze felt he needed to intervene.

"Shh, you nitwit." He growled and yanked at Raoul's sleeve to sit him down. "It's not over yet! I just happened to touch your arm."

Although caught in an awkward situation, Raoul was not the one to suffer abashment for more then a few seconds before he regained his composure and waved it off by snorting a comment towards the redhead who was blushing beyond reason as the spectators frowned at them.

"Next time, you might want to sit still and do your acrobatics at a more suitable place."

Katze turned to face Raoul; his complexion almost as red as his shiny hair. Raoul was amused at that and following a second of serenity, he even forgot all about the reason they were there.

"Oh, save your breath, Katze," He smiled. "You find this just as boring as I do."

Katze remained mute with surprise and anger, for his body couldn't act on his emotions. How could he? What would he do? Interrupt Raoul now that they have finally begun communicating? No, he allowed the Blondie to continue.

"Let's leave this session and take a few drinks at the bar."

Raoul left his seat with that seductive smile of his, which lured Katze's frozen being to comply with the invitation and minutes later, they were sharing an expensive bottle of champagne.

Raoul took a tiny sip and let it wash over his tongue as he nodded his appreciation of the exquisite taste. The sip continued its way down the lovely throat with a loud guttural sound as another closely followed.

"This is really good." Katze began feeling slightly insecure. He had no idea what topic to discuss, but anything was better than the past or being silent.

"Oh, yes." Raoul agreed. "This is one of my favorites."

"Not surprising," The redhead put forth. "I suppose a Blondie of your caliber is expected to have expensive tastes."

"Quite so, old chap." Raoul exhaled in a huff and leaned back in the sofa across the bar. He placed his exquisite brand of silver leaf cigarillo in a holder and held it between his symmetrical lips as he lit it. The blue smoke emitted from the cigarillo was heavenly in fragrance and through a rare experience, Katze knew it tasted of vanilla. He was about to pick out his own packet from his jacket, when Raoul offered the exquisite brand with a benevolent generosity.

"Should we order you some brandy to accompany it?" The Blondie asked and signaled for the waiter, and before Katze even had a chance to oppose, the golden liquid was tempting him from the glass table in front of him.

"Why so generous?" Katze asked as he took a sip of the brandy and confirmed its marvelous taste with a proud nod.

Raoul exhaled the blue mist, licking his lips as he spoke. "Why so suspicious?"

The answer was prompt and sharp, just like Katze's character and thus the redhead dignified it with a smile.

"Because nothing is for free."

Raoul smiled and tapped the ash into the marble tray.

"Oh, I assure you my dear, THIS…" He included the bar with his gaze. "…is indeed free."

"As long as you are a Blondie." The redhead cut in, but Raoul's continuation floated on as if it was a part of Katze's sentence. "Or in the company of one. But…perhaps you find my company disturbing. Or rather, you DO find it disturbing, am I right?"

Katze removed the cigarillo from his mouth with his left hand, while easing the collar on his striped brown shirt with the other. He avoided looking at Raoul the whole time.

"I guess so…some things are difficult to get over."

"Tell me about it." Raoul muttered and almost in concordance with Katze's actions he too removed the cigarillo from his mouth without tasting it. He let the butt burn on its own for a little while then cast a glance at Katze, changing the subject. "Are you coming to the banquet this evening?"

Katze shook his head, a gesture quickly pursued by the inquiries regarding the reason. "Well, first of all, I haven't brought anything suitable for the evening and, second, I don't want to continue talking about my work all day long."

"I see." Raoul smiled as he put out the cigarillo. "Well, if I could guarantee that you didn't have to talk to anyone about your work the entire night, would you come?"

Katze kept on shaking his head. "It still leaves me with the other issue, and I have no intention of wasting money on a whole new wardrobe for a little fun…"

"Ah, but you dare to admit it COULD be fun." Raoul threw in with an enthusiastic smile that left Katze dumbfounded. What was the Blondie up to? He was so strange; not at all as Katze remembered him. Raoul had hardly ever smiled when he worked for Iason. The redhead knew there had been some feelings between the two Blondies and that Raoul was unusual in his ability to demonstrate emotions. Not many Blondies were like him, but it was also why Katze had been more at ease when Raoul was around. Drifting back into those memories Kazte lowered his defenses just enough for Raoul to break past the walls and take him by surprise.

"Then you shall be my date for tonight and, if we go now, we can arrange a fitting with a tailor."

"What?" Katze's lovely amber eyes flashed with a tinge of insecurity. "No! Raoul wait!"

But it was too late, Raoul was already on his feet and pulling Katze by his arm. One thing Katze could not compete against, or rather measure up too, was the sheer brute strength of a Blondie. Within minutes a lavish limousine was pulling up the driveway to take them to a renowned tailor where Raoul routinely had his wardrobe designed.

"Quite expensive taste." Katze snorted internally, but escaping the seminars for a few minutes was quite relieving and refreshing – even if it meant a trip to Raoul's tailor.

As expected the reception was grand, with ethereal kindness and extensive pampering with coffee, cookies, drinks, and even a light meal offered while watching a few models prance around for a quick demonstration of the latest trends. Katze was sitting comfortably in a leather armchair with a back support almost at the height of a man standing. It was impressive; the whole store was impressive. In fact, it was probably the most posh place he had ever visited, apart from those lavish parties Iason had arranged and which Katze was asked to attend. Although his mongrel heritage revolted internally, he had to admit to himself that there was something appealing about being so well cared for, having all these servants attending to his every need. He smiled and turned to watch Raoul as he discussed the nature of their business with the upper class accent that only a Blondie could truly master. It sounded so funny; so stiff; yet it suited Raoul quite well. Enough; the redhead regained his composure. No, he was not going to lose himself in this little game. Why was Raoul being so nice? Surely it was not in his nature.

"...Yes, just like that, yes." Raoul agreed with the tailor as they examined the fabric currently presented. "Perfect, but I would like that in a green shade…something dark rather. It must compliment his eye and hair color."

"Indeed, my Lord." Came as a response.

Katze kept on listening to the conversation but as the state of confusion springing from the lack of answers to the many questions in his head became too unbearable, he shot up from his chair and rushed out of the shop. Raoul followed and caught up with him quickly.

"Where are you going?" the Blondie asked kindly although with a hint of gravity. "I don't understand…"

"Neither do I Raoul." Katze growled and tried to free himself from Raoul's grip but it was no use, the Blondie was far stronger. People passing by cast curious glances at them, some frowning at the sight of the two arguing and thereby putting a dampener on this gloriously warm afternoon. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what, Katze? I though we were going to dress you up for tonight and…"

"Exactly!" Katze roared. "Why? We haven't seen each other since…since…" He stopped for a second, then continued after taking a deep breath. "… anyway … all of a sudden you are supposed to be this nice guy, just doing me favors and helping me out? You expect me to buy that? I mean, fuck it Raoul, how stupid do you think I am?"

"I don't." Raoul sighed and let go of the obstinate mongrel as he raked his fingers through the golden hair. "I don't think you are stupid at all. I…I don't know why I suggested all this. I know you want a better answer but, I can't give you one."

The Blondie backed away from the mongrel until he reached the staircase outside the tailor's shop then sat down while he continued.

"I tried to avoid you for days, just as you have been running away from me…"

"No, I haven't." Katze cut in with annoyance, but Raoul waved it off with a faint smile.

"Oh yes you have, but it doesn't matter. Look, we are both running from the past and I really, really thought I managed to erase everything that reminded me of Dana Burn…of Iason…but…" Raoul went silent.

"But what?" Katze stepped closer.

"But maybe it's useless RUNNING from it. Maybe I should learn to cope with it, and the truth is…"

Raoul stood and walked up to the mongrel, burying his limpid emeralds into the amber pearls staring back at him as he added "I was really happy to see you. A remnant from my past I didn't mind seeing again. For what it's worth, it surprised me too."

With those last words Raoul sauntered up the staircase and stepped into the shop. Katze turned a few times, indecisive and insecure. He paced back and forth outside the shop he even managed to finish five cigarettes, when the voice of Raoul finally called for him and solved his dilemma.

"If we are to go to the banquet together, you really need to do the fitting now. You know time is running out."

Katze frowned and swallowed hard; reluctance fettering him from within. Right then and there he remembered what he hated about Blondies. They were nagging, they were persistent, and they were just too annoying. He was better off alone.

"Katze? Katze, come on, don't be so stubborn. Those days are over. Come on. Katze?"

"All right!" The mongrel shouted annoyed. "Just stop that freaking nagging before you drive me crazy!"

As the furious mongrel passed the Blondie, he added rudely "But I am not paying for that damn thing and it's only for tonight, right?"

"Of course." Raoul nodded. "And the outfit's on me. Don't worry about it."

* * *

PLEASE WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED READING, DO SHARE YOUR OPINION. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 

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	2. Only for Tonight

**ONLY FOR TONIGHT**

Only for tonight. That was what Katze had said and Raoul had agreed that it would be so. Two weeks have passed since and Katze was staring at the ceiling in his new apartment, paid for by Raoul's tremendously wealthy and successful company. A small perk included in the contract that the redhead signed the very same night they had attended the banquet. He still couldn't understand how that could have happened. He had a good position already with his previous employer and had no thoughts revolving around changing jobs, especially if it meant moving back to Tanagura. Strangely he had so much fun in Raoul's company that particular evening that he allowed himself, or rather his drunken mind, to be persuaded by a lovely smile. Apart from the chitchat about carefree pleasures in life, the ambiance surrounding him was ever so captivating. He had seen Raoul in a completely new light that evening. He could still remember the way the light shimmered off the golden, wavy fringe falling over Raoul's face as he leaned over the billiard table. For the first time in three years, they played a game Iason Mink truly loved, and they were able to play it without giving the past even a single thought. Raoul had cleared the table on the first round then set it up again and allowed for Katze to begin, in order to give him the chance to play a little. Katze had been rather new to the game although he knew the theory behind it, but as the drinks floated down their dry throats and the boundaries between class slowly dissipated, Raoul took it upon himself to teach an equally drunk mongrel how to properly play billiards. Oh yes, Katze remembered well; the smell of that long, silky hair brushing against his face as Raoul leaned close to him to demonstrate the proper way to hold the cue, the mesmerizing fragrance of his perfume that filled Katze's head and made him almost dizzy, and the warm touch that guided his fingers to properly stabilize the cue before a shot. The Blondie had been so enchanting – stirring every emotion within the redhead. He noticed the symmetrical lips, the straight nose and the faint pink blush on the marble white cheeks as Raoul emptied yet another glass of wine.

Katze rubbed some sense into his face and took a deep intake of breath. No matter; what was done was done. And it wasn't all that bad. No, his salary was twice as high as at his previous job, his schedule more flexible, and his opportunities far greater. However, those increasingly friendly emotions he started to feel towards Raoul were troubling him. They had to be fought against. Katze had no intentions of being a slave again, and never wanted to be under the harsh command of a Blondie – ever again. He had to come to terms with these newfound feelings. It couldn't go on like this. Raoul was an employer and Katze was the employee. This meant that there were rules which were not to be broken.


	3. Moved back to Amoi

**ONE MONTH INTO MY NEW WORK: 4693-238**

**§§**

Right, so I've been at this centre for exactly one month. I thought it would be strange to move back here. I always looked back at Tanagura as someplace really dark and gloomy, and above all else, full of a lot of boring people. I really didn't think I'd be moving back here… ever. I still don't know what got into me the night that Raoul managed to convince me that I belong here.

Well, the salary he promised wasn't bad at all. I went to the bank today to have my new account set up and to transfer the money I had left behind on Lupe. The banker handling my business looked at the reference note twice before adding the sum into the account. It's my first salary and it is twice as high as the amount programmers get in general; 30,400 a year. And, apart from the annual increase due to inflation, I can also get bonuses. Not bad at all. Guess I will have to thank Raoul for that some day.

By the way, he scared the shit out of me today, but it was really funny. I have spent most of my time at the institute cafeteria reading about the topics of scientific research that Raoul is involved with. When I was finished I went up to the office to pack up my stuff and go home. Although he has tinted glass doors to his office, you can discern his silhouette through the doors, almost like a ghost hovering about in there. It's funny and odd that anyone can be so pale. Anyway, I didn't see him in there, so I thought he had gone home for the day. I was carrying my laptop and was pretty much preoccupied with my thoughts when he suddenly opened the door and popped out. He made me jump and release the most rude type of curse imaginable (for him at least);

"Flying fuck, what the hell are _YOU_ doing here?"

"I work here," Raoul said calmly as he passed me by with his stiff expression. I thought he'd be really mad at me for talking to him like that, but no. He disappeared off to the restroom and when he returned he snuck up on me and growled behind my back. He scared the shit out of me for a second time and then closed the door to his office with a goofy laugh. He made smile.

Boy has he changed a lot. When Iason was around you could never make him smile; not even me I guess. I appreciate that he is really fighting hard to keep the company as successful as it is. One of the best I've heard. Well, no wonder. The guy spends more time in the office than outside of it. I've never really seen him arrive or leave. He is like a fixture in the office and if renovation will ever be done in there they will most likely polish him up too.

But he has changed a lot (I just noticed I said this twice already…I wonder if it means anything). No other Blondie has ever asked if any of his closest employees want to take a lunch break with him. Can you imagine? It was the first thing I noticed; he really asked if we_EMPLOYEES_ wanted to join him. It is really out of character for someone like him. Well, we'll see how things work out.


	4. Day of the Moon

**DAY OF THE MOON: 4693-251**

**§§ **

Raoul wasn't in today. It caught my attention how much more relaxed people were and we all took longer breaks than usual. It made me laugh; I did it too. We wasted about two hours on lunch and talked about this and that. I discovered that most of my colleagues are chatterboxes and gossipmongers. Boy, if there is bullshit hidden in a stack of manure they will find it. During those two hours I learned that three of the bosses in the department have screwed their students, I know who is manic-depressive, who is a self-indulgent ass…oh and let's not talk about the company psychologists. I know what happens once you get weary and emotional on their couch. Apparently you get a nice blowjob and a prescription for some anti-depressants… let's not forget the recommendation that you come back for a session at least once a week. All of a sudden you are booked up every other day for about a year. I'd like to see one of those buggers try to get inside of my head. I could tell them stories about my life that would make them label me with every possible deviance and psychological illness they have in their encyclopedias. I once heard Raoul say that most people who become shrinks often do so because they have an underlying disturbance that they desperately want to find out more about. I am beginning to think he is right.

Today, is a full moon. Well, both of them. This tends to drive people nuts. I was planning on going out tonight but I am stuck at this café, where Warreny left me about ten minutes ago. He had to catch the last train home. The café opened fairly recently so, we decided to try it out after work and it's quite nice. The staff has to work on their coffee though. It is a bit too watery for my taste. And, smoking is forbidden in public areas from next week, I can't believe it! I feel like the whole of society is against me. Pretty soon I'll definitely end up going to the shrink to cope with this abstinence. They will label me a complete weirdo; that's what Warreny claims.

No matter, that's what people have been telling me my whole life. First, to be so sick in the head that I'd give up my ability to have sex ever again just for the sake of money, then coping with a sadistic master for the sake of a good reference and, once again, money, and then becoming a dealer and selling off or setting up my own kin just for the sake of money. Come to think of it, my whole life has been about money. Even this job is about money. On the other hand, I never said I suffered from any kinds of scruples. LOL

Mmm… the waitress (which was unusual) just brought in my "Passion cake". I love that. Carrot cake with lemon mascarpone filling and icing, and cinnamon chips scattered on the top. I can't get enough of it. Maybe I should have eaten proper food instead. Well, in about 30 minutes this place will be closing and then I'll go get something else.

The Game Tree is a nice restaurant. I stumbled on it on my way home and just tried a dish from their menu. A quarter of a medium spiced chicken with risotto and corn on the cob, all prepared on the grill. However, this quarter of a chicken is the biggest I've seen yet, so either they gave me a bigger piece than what was intended or this birdie comes straight from Raoul's genetic recombinations lab. There is chicken and there is chicken, and this is a monster-chicken. The taste is good though… and my keyboard is getting sticky…

"Would you like anything else?"

"Oh, yes, a double shot espresso…and some company instead of just talking to a computer, no one else in here does…no normal person at least."

Nah, I didn't say that last part, but I see the guy sitting at the table next to me giving me inviting looks. I bet he would like to sit here and chat. Well, well, well, I would like that too. He has blue eyes, black hair, and a terrific smile. However, I don't think he will be particularly happy about me lacking what he wants – unless he is a giver.

Hello sweetheart… yep, you can suck on that ice cream as much as you want, but you are going home alone tonight... and I'll keep on sipping on my coffee.

By Jupiter's grace! A quick note while he is in the restroom. I can't believe it, he really dared to approach me as he passed by my table on his way.

Quick info: Six feet and some inches tall, black hair (wrote that before), grey eyes actually not blue (error before), lips full and kissable, broad shoulders and generally nice bone structure although a bit skinny, velvet skin, and his name is Matthew. To be continued…

* * *

**DAY OFF: 4693-252**

**§§ **

I guess I was wrong about Mathew. He didn't mind me lacking what he wanted. He simply took what he wanted and I can hardly sit today – I don't mind it too much though. It was nice; besides, it's been quite a while since I had a lover and everything tightens up when unused for too long. I am surprised it hadn't sealed up completely.

I am now officially among those who turn crazy when the moons are full. After the Game Tree we went to rent a horror movie. Not exactly what would usually get one in the mood, but this guy was really something. He laughed through the entire movie. At times I was questioning his sanity… and mine for agreeing to spend the night with him. But he was a terrific lover. He wasn't able to make me come, but I enjoyed every second of it. I don't know why, but he kept on missing that vital little part that is so important for us eunuchs. Well, I guess it is a trick in itself. At times like these I feel like a woman. I can complain for hours about bad lovers. "He just doesn't take the time to…"

I guess it is just as much my fault as it is his. I could have been the one on top, but I enjoyed seeing his face and feeling the weight of his body. His back was really smooth and his bottom was very fleshy and firm. I bet he does some kind of sport. I can't remember if he had mentioned anything about that. I was too drunk…and so was he.

I went shopping for food, but decided to eat out. I hate my new apartment. It is grand and big and Raoul is paying for it, but it's too quiet and too lonely at times. I am thinking about moving in with some people instead of staying here. Although I will have to pay for it, and apartments in the capital are really expensive, I won't mind having a few nutty flat mates to annoy… or to have someone else annoy me. That was pretty good when I used to work for Iason. I had my room next to Kay. He was a short-tempered little brat, noisy and obnoxious, and knew exactly how to drive Iason out of his mind. If Kay had stayed just one more year at Iason's residence, the great Blondie would have had to reconstruct the worn out cartilage in his elbow for all the punishments he was forced to hand out. I smile each time I think about Kay. I wonder what he is doing now? He hated Iason's place. Well, at times, so did I…

Looked at an ad at Flats-n-Mates and found one that seems very interesting. Quick note: 350 a month, sharing with three others, a ten minute walk from work, and five minutes from the mega-station underground system. Perfect. I will answer it immediately. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.


	5. Shitty Day

**SHITTY DAY: 4693-255**

**§§ **

My whole day has been shitty. My laptop broke down. It turned out to be a fault in the battery software and the computer kept on miscalculating the time it had left before it needed charging. No wonder it kept shutting down without any warning. I lost a week's worth of work today due to that.

I tried to reprogram the unit myself, but it was no good. Raoul ordered me a new laptop and it arrived just a few hours ago. Beautiful. Silver colored, soft keyboard, touch-screen, dimensional projector, and integrated 3D flash memory on a biological chip. Ohhooo… this needs testing. Who knew ancient sea algae could have such good uses as this. I could throw this computer out and it would degrade in a few years time. It makes me happy to know that Raoul is environmentally friendly.

I wish he would be this friendly to his other employees though. He was pretty hard on Warreny today. Poor kid. He wrote the wrong room-code on an order of samples today, and by the time the parcel was found at the delivery office, the ice had melted and the tissues were destroyed. Raoul was anything but happy. I…well, everyone in the office, could hear his vicious yelling from his room. Personally, I though he was way too rough, even though I do understand that those samples were important and it takes time to re-conduct the experiments. Well, Warreny came out of Raoul's office almost crying. He couldn't work the rest of the day. He was constantly sobbing.

We went for a cup of coffee at the new café and after our discussion, which went on for hours, I strongly suspect that Warreny has the hots for Raoul. No wonder he took that barking so personally. I told him not to mind Raoul and to just turn his back on what the big boss says. Even bosses can have a bad day and Warreny was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I even went as far as to suggest he should change offices. I don't think he is Raoul's type at all. Warreny is too kind, too sweet, and too fragile. A Blondie will chew him up and spit him out before he even notices what is going on. Life can be cruel, but this guy is the kind I wouldn't recommend as a Pet for anyone. His persona reminds me a lot of Mimea. She was weak like this too. Going about with her silly ideas about being loved. How stupid really. Love doesn't exist on a planet like this. I don't think so anyway, for I have yet to come across it if it does. I remember Mimea. Goodness, what a gullible little girl. Riki just wanted to have his way with her, yet she still dreamt about a little family with her little mongrel lover, and a little get-away in some little town. I never figured out the purpose of that hopelessly romantic idea she had. Well, she didn't get what she wanted and Raoul got really pissed off at Riki for taking advantage of her.

When it all comes down to it, I KNOW for a fact that Raoul liked his little mongrel virgin. She was a cutie and I know why Raoul was most interested in having her breed with a magnificent mongrel that HE had chosen for her. I had my own secret idea about that and with time, it was confirmed.

I knew Mimea more than she knew herself. She was always caring and showed strong motherly instincts towards everything that resembled a baby; it could have been a puppy or a kitten, it didn't matter. She would pick them up and hold them close like a genuine mother. I think that fascinated Raoul and, though he never showed any feelings or any affection towards her, I think he wanted to grant her the wish that she never spoke of. He liked Mimea a lot, and she would carry the child he would never be able to give her; at least not his own, but he could do his part in choosing the proper partner. And if she got pregnant, he would be able to witness the day-by-day development of her child up-close. Not from books and computer generated images, but in real life and, most importantly, in his home. So when Riki intervened and stole her virginity (that most precious gift that Raoul indirectly wanted to have) Raoul felt betrayed as if he had been cheated on. The anger that exploded out of him the day that he found out about their little affair, was the kind I've only witnessed in jealous partners. Although no one ever spoke about it, especially not Raoul, I knew he felt that way.

I was led to believe that Blondies never preferred females for affection, but with Raoul I think I was wrong. He pampered that little nitwit girl with all she laid her eyes on, and she didn't even notice the fact that he was being kind. I should have arranged for her to be replaced, but Raoul would never hear of it. Although she wore a spiked collar like a dog, she was nonetheless well cared for and more spoiled than any other Pet in his care before her. Stupid little lamb. She was safe as long as the Wolf had his way, but when she betrayed him, the Wolf grew fangs and his claws were not to be played with. I wonder… if she would have given Raoul a child… would things have been different? Where would she be today? I have no doubts she would still be at his side.

When he found out about Riki and Mimea, his anger knew no boundaries. He got rid of her. Killed her as cold bloodedly as a common murderer. I heard he snapped her neck with his bare hands. I wonder how that felt… for him to feel her tongue bone crack under his palms and watch her eyes turn red with ruptured blood vessels, to feel her strength fail until she stopped breathing.


	6. Got it:Moving

**GOT IT: 4693-262**

**§§ **

It took the landlord quite sometime to answer my request, but hey… I got the flat!!! I am so happy I smoked a whole pack today, even though it is forbidden now. That was my gift to myself today. A lung filled with carcinogens. Raoul caught me smoking on my break today and he wasn't particularly happy about me smoking so much. On the other hand, I pointed out that his pastry obsession was beginning to show on his waistline and so there were no more discussions about our little sins. He was munching on his cake while I was smoking but neither of us spoke, not for what seemed an eternity. Finally, I felt I had to tell him about my new apartment. What shocked me was the fact that he almost looked hurt by the fact that I turned down his former overnight condo near the office. That look in his eyes is burned into my mind. I haven't actually noticed it before, but his eyes don't have the same shade of green in them. I don't know if it is germline genetics or somatic epigentics, but they are a bit different. I think it would be somatic epigenetics, genetic changes occurring due to an environmental response. Jupiter created them flawless, and thus he must have been born with perfectly matched eyes. In other words, not even he is perfect… which makes him even more perfect. (I wonder why I wrote that.)

He said; "All right Katze, it's your choice, but I cannot justify the company paying for your rent since you have a good salary and you decided to move on your own."

I said; "It's fine. Really. I don't want you to pay that for me. I can handle it myself."

Then he said the most extraordinary thing, something I never thought I'd hear from him.

"I know you'll do fine no matter where you end up. You are a cat, aren't you? Cats are known to always land on their feet… just like you always have."

And then he left. He left me confused. Was that a compliment from the almighty Lord Raoul Am? The guy who doesn't know how to spell the word humble or genuinely express feelings… Actually, I can't believe he remembered, or could it be just by chance he said this. Yes, the first time Raoul called me a "cat" was when I was fifteen and had stumbled over Iason's newly bought and thickly woven carpet with a solid leather edge. It was on the polished floor in his enormous diner, specially placed order might I add, but I wasn't used to having to lift my feet so much. I guess just as any teenager I was often slouching and stumbling over deceptively flat floors. I almost spilled my wine over Raoul, but he caught me and set forth with a smug that "I thought cats always landed on their feet." It was when I noticed Lord Am as a person. Up until then he was just another of Iason's many anonymous acquaintances. Iason would have reprimanded me senseless, but Raoul was apparently not in the mood to have his disposition ruffled by a displeasing event and so, brushed the whole matter off by sending me quickly to the kitchen to get the food for he was starving.

Well, what do you know? I actually wrote about the past and it didn't give me the shivers. What has happened to Raoul? Why is he so soft? Can the great Lord Am actually have turned soft with time?

I have to think about this more.

* * *

**APARTMENT: 4693-264**

**§§ **

I looked at the apartment. It's still in the process of being renovated. It's dirty, paint spots are everywhere on the floor, along with plastics, nails, wallpaper, glue, tools, and everything associated with renovation. It gave me a bad impression, but the floor is wooden and I love that. My room used to be a huge lounge, which the landlord had divided into a small lounge and a large bedroom. It means I have a huge window from floor to ceiling (which lets in a lot of light – beautiful in the morning, I reckon), genuine wooden floor (very unusual these days, but it is an old flat) and I get to choose what type of furniture I want it refurbished with. I told the landlord I want the furniture to match the floor. He seems like a nice guy and I am sure I wont be disappointed.

I can move in a week from now, although I have already packed everything. Raoul's old condo is very nice, but I don't know how he could stand the solitude. Even if it is grand and beautiful, it still gives the impression of being a cage. It feels strange to touch the stuff I know he used on a daily basis. His plates, his cutlery and use the shower, his towels, bathing in the same tub… Speaking of which, the washbasin in the bathroom was emptying really slowly, so I picked it apart and did a little cleaning. Ha! I found loads of Blondie-hair at the curve… rotting and decaying just like everyone else's hair. It had turned into a shade of grey and it smelled horribly. Yuck! Raoul for goodness sakes, you could have told someone to clean it.

So even Blondies shed hair. Well, at least he is human. It gave me the urge to start looking for stuff that would make him more human in my eyes…and I found some more "evidence" of that on black sheets, smiles, shaving foam (Bloody hell, RAOUL SHAVING?! I didn't think he knew how), dental floss (that I have used up now), microwave popcorn (corny – trying to be funny here), a yo-yo (such an odd thing, I can't play with it), talcum powder (what the hell was he using that for?) and the very thing that blew my mind… a PLUSHY!

Now, I have seen some odd stuff in my life, but what is a Bunny plushy doing tucked away in the bottom of a wardrobe (all dusty and abandoned) in the residence of a Blondie? I'll have to ask him that, one day. I can't even begin to come up with a suitable explanation for it. I am so curious. I will take it to work and put it on his desk when he is not there to see how he reacts when he finds it sitting there when he returns. I bet he will pretend it was not there and just discard it without mentioning it. I will have to keep an eye on the shredder and the waste bin.


	7. Bunny

**BUNNY: 4693-265**

**§§ **

You know, you are my only vent to release anger and the emotions. People find me cold and heartless and I guess they are NOT entirely off track in judging me in that way. Confession time:

/…/ I miss the old days. I could kill without a conscience, but now that Iason is gone, it harbors far more dangers than before. Although he seldom had to interfere, there is always a benefit to knowing a wealthy person in power, even when working with slaves and among the mongrels. During my time as a slave trafficking coordinator (to put it nicely) I earned friends as well as enemies; some of which took some political involvement to get off my back. Especially when they were authorities from the opposite side of the moral line as compared to where I had my home. There were also people trying to intrude on my business, and sooner or later they always succeeded. -Sigh- Maybe this change was good. I've been away from it for so long, I do miss it. It offered a different kind of dynamics to life. I am bored to death here. But still, maybe this change was good. /…/ End of confession.

Since you are the only one I can talk to (or write on) I decided to refer to you as a person. How about it? All my other laptops had their name, so I feel I have to give you one too. I've heard that it's a good thing to call things female names, so I've decided to call you Artemisia after the female general of king Xerxes. I love mythology, so you should be proud.

Well Artemisia, I feel pretty rotten. It's just one hour before midnight and I have just taken a shower. I did as I wrote yesterday. I took the damn bunny to work, placed it on Raoul's desk when he was having lunch, and just as I suspected, he said nothing about it the whole day. I was about to pack my stuff and call it a day, when the boss asked me to help him out in the lab. It was already late so there was no one else there.

I've never been to the laboratories before. I was amazed that everything was so sterile, white, made out of plastic or glass. The floor smelled of wax and disinfectants, and there was a sour stench in the air that Raoul said came from the acetic acid frequently used in biochemistry for all kinds of reasons. It made my tongue curl and I felt the saliva glands working overtime in my mouth. He directed me into a cell culture room. It was dark inside, apart from the disturbingly blue shade of the ultraviolet light that was sterilizing the fume hoods. Microscopes and equipment were everywhere. As we stepped inside the room he gave me a protective white coat that reached to the middle of my calves. Apparently he had one of his own. It looked so odd. I've never seen a Blondie working – actually working. But there he was; spraying disinfectants on his gloves before opening the door to the incubators where the culture dishes harbored the cells. He picked out a dish and placed it under a microscope. As he leaned forward his long fringe kept on falling over the microscope, which was apparently disturbing him, for he asked me to arrange it behind his ears. He could not touch anything with his hands for he would contaminate the cells. I did as I was told and I realized that his hair is extremely soft. It's like silk… the finest silk, and it smelled absolutely… fantastic. I can still sense its fragrance in my head.

I watched him silently, not saying a word, watching him counting cells with a handy, yet latest model of a flowcytometer. Then he did the calculations in his head and made his notes about how many times he needed to dilute and re-plant the cells in order to get about two million the day after tomorrow. Actually, he is pretty fast when it comes to math although he had once claimed it not to be so. He is also pretty accurate and methodological in his way of working, and he is pretty…he is just pretty, I guess. Well, so is every Blondie.

Anyway, there he sat absolutely quiet. Annoyingly quiet and just as I was about to leave, he dropped it on me.

"Where did you find the toy?"

My heart stopped beating. I don't know why I got so nervous, perhaps because of his voice. He sounded so serious even though he didn't even dignify me with a look as he spoke. He kept on staring into that damn machine. I felt like I was communicating with the wall. I had to tell him. I told him about the washbasin, about the stuff I found and the bunny. I tried to make it a bit humorous to lighten the atmosphere, but he was still so serious. In addition, if I wasn't mistaken he also seemed sad.

He said; "Those things are not mine." And then he added; "I thought I had all that cleared out before you moved in."

I immediately knew I had stepped into something I shouldn't have. I was almost ready to apologize when it hit me I had nothing to apologize for. If he has skeletons in his closet then he should clean it out before someone else moves in.

We were quiet a while more, and I tell you Artemisia, it was agonizing to see him like that. I don't know why. What do you think? Should I have just kept everything to myself? Maybe the bunny was a stupid idea. He didn't say anything more. He just left me in the lab and returned to his office. He made me feel so insecure… and after a while I felt only anger.

* * *

**BUNNY AGAIN – 3 am: 4693-265**

**§§ **

Hey Artemisia. You might be wondering why I am starting you up again. I see you haven't even properly cooled down from today's session and I am already putting your processor into use again. I can't sleep. I have been thinking about Raoul all night. Each time I close my eyes I see him giving me that face as he looks up from the microscope. He is sad and it pisses me off. I've never seen him that weak. I don't know why it annoys me. Can you tell me? Of course not... you are just a computer. You're a good listener though. Why was he so stuck up about it? What the hell is wrong with that Blondie? Maybe taking this job was a bad idea. It is a better opportunity regarding my career but I am so angry inside. I don't know why. I don't even know why I fucking care!!! I hate him! Made a cup of tea. Raoul is still bugging me. I guess I wont be sleeping too much tonight, but I am turning you off, Artemisia. At least YOU need to cool down a bit.


	8. Anger

**ANGER: 4693-266**

**§§ **

Not tired, although I haven't slept at all Artemisia. I am so furious at him! He gives me these looks like… like I KNOW. He deliberately does this. Avoiding me, making me feel as if I did something very wrong. It's not my damn fault he left that stuff out for me to find. If he was so keen on anyone NOT finding it, why didn't he discard it before? I passed by the container where the cleaners throw his trash before it goes through the shredder. I have not seen any traces of the bunny. No plushy bits in the shredder either. I am confused. Did he keep it… and why?

I have a short lunch break. I am trying to restore the data I have lost. I found some of it, but I can't focus on anything. Each time he passes me I can feel his eyes stinging me. I wish I could turn around and poke them out.

Oh, I am overreacting. I can clearly see it as I am reading this stuff. I just need to take a few deep breaths and, hopefully, it will pass.

* * *

**DELAYED!!! ****4693-270**

**§§ **

It never rains, Artemisia, it freaking pours! Not only do I have problems with my new boss giving me the silent treatment, my landlord called and the renovation is delayed. I can't move in until 294. I am so angry. I was really looking forward to moving in a few days. I have packed everything, and now I am stuck here surrounded by boxes!

* * *

**DAYS AND DAYS OF NOTHING: 4693-282**

**§§ **

Well, honey, it's been quite a while since we spoke. Nothing has happened at work since then. Raoul is not talking to me much. He is very professional and only touches upon the subject of "work". It suits me well since I can focus on work. I think he has now put it behind himself.

Oh my goodness, Artemisia… you won't believe this! Raoul had to attend a meeting today and whilst he was out a package arrived for him. The deliveryman left it at the front desk at the reception and since I was the only one available at the office it was up to me to collect it. The package itself was not interesting. It was a white padded parcel containing something, but I was to deliver it to his office. Now, I have never set foot into that office without him being there, but this time I had to.

I entered his room and placed the parcel on his desk. I turned to leave, but then a wicked thought hit me. While he was away I allowed myself to scan the office quickly to see if I could find the damn bunny. Yes, Artemisia, you heard it right. I still haven't given that up yet. I looked at the desk, but it wasn't there, neither was it on any of his shelves… so I took the fiendish opportunity to snoop in his drawers. I feel pretty rotten about it, but I couldn't help it, and the thing is… IT WAS THERE! The Blondie kept it! Why?

Why would he bother about a plushy? I simply don't understand this man. Has he lost his mind? Perhaps Iason's death caused such a huge impact on his sanity. Nah, I don't believe it. Raoul was always the most vicious when he seemed the weakest. He has never been weak, indecisive, or regretful even. Raoul has always been as his name implicates… a Wolf… in sheep's clothing.

I was careful not to touch the bunny or anything near it. I didn't want him to know I had seen it. I left his office and a few hours later he came back. At the end of the day he stopped behind my back for a few seconds and asked:

"Did you deliver the package that was on my desk today?"

I nodded quietly, but I felt that my whole expression was revealing a sense of uneasiness. Then he asked:

"Were you looking for something else?"

How the hell did he know? I was careful, I didn't touch a thing, I even made sure the drawers were shut to the very same extent as they were before I opened them. I had to come up with a lie; FAST!

"Yeah, I was looking for some post-it notes to leave you a message about its arrival. I didn't find any."

He nodded without saying a word. He didn't even look into my eyes as he twisted the corner of his mouth into a faint smile. He just kept staring at the floor. Finally, he did cast a glance at me saying; "Next time, you'll find the notes next to the keyboard on the desk, where I have the stack of pens. You can't miss them, they're bright orange in color."

I nodded and bit my lips in shame. He knew. But I sure as hell would not admit it to him and if he were to ask me directly I'd still deny it. I guess he knew that too, and that's why he didn't continue the discussion. He left the office, once again leaving me in a turmoil of emotions.

Evening: I finished the last bits of recovering data and was setting up the script for further development. I had bought some fast food today and I can feel it in my stomach like a heavy rock. I guess, the three cups of coffee after dinner didn't make it any better. I hate this state. I have a rock in my belly, my heart is pounding like crazy and though I try to focus, my mind is preoccupied with Raoul. It was such an embarrassing moment today. I don't even know if I want to face him tomorrow.


	9. Called in Sick

**CALLED IN SICK TODAY: 4693-283**

**§§ **

I found myself deprived of energy. I have been throwing up all night and I feel horrible. I don't know if it was that fast food I ate last night or if it is just my general state of "feeling-like-an-ass" that made me ill. In any case, I had to call in sick. The clock rang at seven, then at seven thirty, then at eight, and when I realized I was still incapable to leave the bed, I picked up the phone and called the secretary. At eleven, the communicator signaled for an incoming call. It was Raoul. He wanted to know how I felt and I told him about the food I ate last night and the amount of coffee that stretched the limit to what my body could handle. I said nothing about the stress of working for him. I had no reason to mention it, for Raoul had never put any unnecessary pressure on me. He knew I was a good worker and I think he hired me because I make his dull life a little more exciting. I don't feel he really needs my expertise but, who knows, he just might come up with a task at any day.

We hung up after a few questions regarding my health and I fell asleep again.

I woke up to the sound of the bell at the front door and I flew up, furious at that idiot who'd woken me up. I should have known… Raoul! He had taken his lunchtime to visit me and see how I was. I stood there with my hair in a mess, stinking of the sweat that covered my sick body, in a pair of boxers that were completely washed out, and utterly confused at finding him there with a gentle smile.

I left the door open and stepped away from it, but I couldn't bring myself to invite him in and as befitted a Blondie of good manners, he remained standing there. I felt his eyes devouring every inch of me and he made me feel so shy. SHY! Can you believe that, Artemisia? Me? Shy? Me, of all people… laughing

He placed a paper bag on the floor backed away from the doorway saying; "I hope you'll get well soon."

He left and I picked up the groceries. He had bought me Zamarin to neutralize my upset stomach, extracts from plants that will boost the immune system, proper and nutritious food that would last for today, and there was also a small gift on the bottom of the bag. It was neatly wrapped. I watched it suspiciously for a few seconds then tore the blue paper covering it. It was Bunny!!! And he had a note on a ribbon around his neck saying; "Thought you might need some company."

I didn't even think as I ran outside trying to catch up with Raoul, but I only caught a swift glimpse of his tormented face as the elevator doors closed. I couldn't reach him to at least thank him, and I was overwhelmed by hurt. It was a completely new feeling for me.

This happened half an hour ago, Artemisia. I had to write it down. I bet he is back at the office, thinking I am the biggest lowlife in the world. I have not even thanked him for the groceries, let alone Bunny. I keep on seeing his face just seconds before the elevators closed. He hadn't noticed me, but I saw him. I should have cried out. Maybe he would have stopped the doors and I could have said I appreciated his thought.

Or perhaps… a terrible thought just hit me. Maybe he brought all this just to show me I am irresponsible. That I can't take care of myself…and Bunny… is just to patronize me. A dusty old plushy from the bottom of a wardrobe. Could it be? Can it be just a joke? I mean, there are similarities between me and Bunny, no? I used to be a toy too…just furniture. Whenever Iason felt like playing he could pick me out, and the next minute he could tuck me away in some corner…the bottom of a wardrobe to gather dust. And now Raoul has found me, dusted me off, and put me to use… "just to have some company". Could this really be his way of telling me my whole purpose of being here?

Argh, my head hurts from all this nonsense. I need to sleep.

Nighttime: I woke up a few minutes ago. My eyes are still adjusting to the light from your screen, Artemisia. You are quite radiant. laughing All right, it was a stupid joke. Well, you'll be laughing even more at me when I tell you this. Do you know what I realized when I woke up just now?

No?

Well, I had Bunny in my arms. He has slept next to me, in my arms, the whole day. Can you imagine? It's been the best sleep I've had in days. I feel better already. In fact, I know I could go to the office tomorrow, or would it be too soon?

It's late now. I bet Raoul has left the office. I should have called him, right? Yeah, I guess anyone would think so. Well, I think I'll be working from home tomorrow. I'll take a cab to the office and get some stuff to work on at home. I can leave him a note on his desk.

I know, I know…the notes are by the keyboard, where he has the stack of pens and they're orange in color.

Be back in an hour…

Three hours: Where did the night go? It was almost midnight when the cab pulled up to the office building. It was empty, apart from some guards patrolling, and I went up to our department to get some discs to work on. The office was completely shut down, but I saw that the door to Raoul's room was ajar and light poured out into the darkness. He couldn't see me but I could see him. I snuck up to his door and peeked inside. He sat in front of his computer, and only his table lamp was lit while the rest of the office was dark. He was drunk. I saw the glass and the bottle of whiskey by his side. He was tapping on his screen, which gave me the impression that he was looking at some images. He mumbled something between the sips of whiskey, but I couldn't hear him properly. I knew, however, that I was looking at a shattered man tonight. His collar was unbuttoned, his jacket on the floor, his hair was a mess, and he was just so unworthy his heritage. I had the excuse of being a mongrel so my unruly behavior would be rather expected, but not this, not from him.

I watched him for about ten minutes and saw him fall asleep at his desk. I called for his driver and, as his computer went into sleep-mode, I slowly entered Raoul's office to wake him up. He must have been drinking a lot. He was clearly disoriented and in a much worse condition than I had been last night. I saw him make a rather heroic effort to gather his composure and I made up a little white lie about the situation. I pretended to have just arrived, and at the reception I had the fortune to run into his driver who asked me to call for the master as his ride home was waiting. I had not seen or heard anything (I am good at pretending that, I always have been). I think that he accepted that answer. I brushed off his jacket and helped him to put it on. I had placed the whiskey bottle on a golden tray at the bar in the remote corner of the office along with the glass. I saw by his flickering gaze that he was not sure if it had been him or me putting it back, but at least it wasn't on his desk. There was no evidence of me finding him in his current state due to alcohol consumption. Although he had almost emptied an entire bottle, he managed to walk more straight than I did after a few beers. I was impressed, but I refrained from smiling for it truly was a pitiful sight; I felt sorry for him.

The way down to the reception took ages. I can still hear his deep breaths; his body struggling with exhaling the fuming alcohol intoxicating him and each breath smelled with the expensive brand.

"Did you eat anything of what I got you today?"

No, I hadn't eaten anything. At first I was thinking about lying just to make him slightly more cheerful in knowing he had done something good for someone today, but my mouth has it's own will…as always. My damned curse of a mouth.

"No. I just woke up, and came by to pick up some things. I was… thinking about working from home tomorrow… if it's all right with you."

He pursed his lips, nodding with his sad expression. You know what, Artemisia? He was breaking me apart… and I don't even know why.

We got to the first floor and stepped out, and the driver was already waiting at the reception. From there the chauffeur took over and I left them without a word. As the front gate opened Raoul called out after me saying; "You are not very happy here, are you Katze?"

For once, I gained control over my damned mouth and was able NOT to stab him in the chest.

"Yeah I am." I lied. "I've just had a bit of a slow start, that's all. I like working for you, Raoul."

He sent me off with a drunken but satisfied smile. I am so glad that it's been raining all night, for it's not just water running down my face, Artemisia. What the hell is happening to me? I hate him for doing this to me. I can hardly wait until I get to move away from this hellhole. I threw Bunny into the closet when I came home, but a few seconds later I missed his softness and picked him out again. He is resting on the pillow next to me. He smells good. I can sense Raoul's eau de toilette on him and it's quite soothing to be honest. Well, I am off to bed…


	10. Trouble

**MOVING TOMORROW** **4693-290**

**§§ **

I have checked everything over and over. All is packed and I am ready to leave this place. I'll be sharing my flat with three other men. Pretty neat. I've never done this, not in my adult life at least. I used to share my room with another when I was a kid, and when I came to Tanagura as a young teenager and lived in Iason's home. But not after that. I have enough money to rent something on my own, but I felt it was a good thing to take a step back into that carefree life I once had and just to get a little taste of what it was like to be free. Does that make sense to you, Artemisia?

Raoul asked me today if I wanted him to help out in any way, but I declined. I know he just wanted to be helpful and I know it hurt him for me to shut him out like that but, the fact is, I don't want my flat mates knowing I work for a Blondie…or at least that I am working so CLOSE to a Blondie. Raoul is a well-known face and although this is a nice area, it is still not the area where many Blondies make a special appearance.

I am so excited. I feel like a kid. My own room and, finally, I'm not alone. Will write more when I have the opportunity.

* * *

**SETTLED IN:** **4693-293**

**§§ **

Raoul is not talking to me at the office!

Who cares? I like it here in my new apartment… so far. It's been only a few days, but I like it. Although my flat mates are not entirely as pedantic as I am, I find myself being able to cope since most of the time I'm out at until late evening. My new hideout is the Café. I sit there with an afternoon coffee, working on my laptop, or just filling you in with the latest details. Just like now. My coffee has arrived. This is good. I did tell them that if they wanted people to come and enjoy a cup of good coffee they had to make it at least three times as strong as they had been.

* * *

**OFFICE TROUBLE:** **4693-295**

**§§ **

Raoul hasn't said anything to me in days. But, there was something very unusual about him today. At first it was nothing noticeable. Raoul wore his regular Blondie outfit, which was that pair of neatly ironed trousers to which he had added a shirt and a slim, three-quarter jacket, and in his hands he held an insanely expensive leather case in which he had a lot of insanely important documents. I watched him from a distance as he marched with determined steps towards the office, giving out orders concerning today's tasks. It was something he had never done before; not in this way. The journey between the elevator door and his office was interrupted only by the people, whose name he called out in a rude, authoritative manner:

"Warreny, inventory report on my desk by five! Stewart, 'Health and Safety'-database updated by tomorrow morning! Gillian! When I tell you to conduct a demographic survey on breeding patterns, I want you to include all age-groups!"

"But, my Lord," Gillian stuttered. "Children below the age of thirteen are not sexually active to the extent…"

"Don't be so FUCKING sure of yourself!" Raoul roared. It made the entire office stop and stare. It didn't seem to bother the big boss though, for he continued as if he had been the ruler of the world. I saw that the scientific officer was getting increasingly unsure and visibly jolted with fear as Raoul hollered for the weekly summary already, in the middle of the week.

"What?! More money for more lab-rats?"

"Some of our products have proven to be a little unhealthy to the animals…"

"Get tougher rats!"

SLAM! The door was shut and no one dared to pose a question about this behavior for the rest of the day. I was pretty much bothered by it though. I still am…

What's with all the changes? What has happened during these years of my absence?

I stepped into his office later on, for I had to have his signature on a requisition to order some new programs for the computer. I was anticipating an outburst from him, or him giving me a hideous task like he did with the others.

What I found was not what I had expected. He sat in his chair, staring at his computer screen. His jacket was but a rumpled heap on the office couch and his shirt was only buttoned half way up his torso. He cast a mean look at me, but did not dismiss me, and I dared to enter. A harsh command to close the door made me obey without a second of delay.

"Lock it!"

I obeyed again.

"Come here." He turned softer in a huff. Strangely, that worried me more than his previous outburst. What was he up to? When I stood next to him he leaned over his desk and asked if I could just rub his neck a little. He claimed to have a splitting headache due to a lot of tension, and considering his previous tantrum I didn't even question that. However, I was reluctant to touch him and my few seconds of hesitation was immediately interpreted as a denial. I was about to say something in my defense, but he brushed me off.

"All right, forget it. What is it you wanted?"

I handed the requisition over to him and he looked at it. He didn't even dignify me with a grunt when he handed the signed digital pad back to me. Congratulations Raoul; you made me feel like an ass again. I hate the way he makes me feel as if things are my fault. I stopped at the door and though he told me to get out, I defiantly returned to him. He turned to face me with his burning gaze and then I realized he was really tired. His eyes were feverish, his forehead damp with tiny pearls of sweat, and his breathing strenuous. He wasn't well. He removed his eyes from me and looked past me – I don't know where.

"I feel really sick." He whispered. I felt a tinge of pity and offered to be of assistance if he still needed it.

I helped him over to the couch where he almost collapsed and I was beginning to feel genuinely worried about him. I removed his shoes and the jacket on which he lay, and asked if he needed anything to drink. He declined everything, except my presence. He wanted me near and so I stayed. It didn't take long before he fell asleep and I sat down near his computer to do my own work. I connected to my own workstation via the intranet and kept on tapping on the keyboard, occasionally turning around as I heard him snoozing. On the digital display outside the door, I sent a message to my colleagues giving them the rest of the day off. I know I did this without Raoul's consent, but I was quite sure he wouldn't mind. The demand for the reports was just a demonstration of general annoyance. It had no bearing or purpose, besides I was sure it was better to leave him in peace.

I did something awful, Artemisia. My heart was in my throat for fear of him waking up each time I was inside his personal files. Remember, when I told you about the time he was drunk and stared at the screen? As I was working on my script I came to remember that night and decided to track down this file. I re-started his computer and whent to the system root to rewind the projections on the screen as they were at a specific time, at a specific date. It took no more then a few seconds for the system to re-project the screen images from that date; then it asked "Are you sure you want to reopen eight files?" One of which I saw was a recording of some sort.

I was about to confirm, but my fingers froze and my mind started to play tricks on me. Since when did I become a decent guy? I had no problems breaking into people's private files before. Why was I insecure now? I don't know how long I was hesitating, but by the time I looked at the clock it was already past eight in the evening, and so I turned the damn thing off.

Raoul had been sleeping since before lunchtime and had not woken up even for a toilet visit. His body must have been exhausted. I wonder why?  
I walked hesitantly up to him and sat down on the coffee table in front of the couch to watch him a little while more. He looked very peaceful. As I watched his eyes move under the pale lids I noticed how extremely long and rich his eyelashes are. Closest to the skin, the base of the thick lashes was golden in color and about midway they turned completely snow white, making them disappear and thereby not revealing their actual beauty. What a pity. This guy is a real babe. I know that Iason was a beauty, but as I sat there I was beginning to get the idea that Raoul was a bit more of a… dish. He was asleep and therefore, I took my time to scrutinize him thoroughly. My eyes devoured every inch of his naked chest and took time to savor every second that they rested on the rosy nipple that dared to peek out from underneath the white fabric of his shirt.

Damn! I thought I was pale and colorless. I've never seen skin so white, so delicate, and so inhuman. For a moment there I thought about cutting him just to make sure it was red blood running through his veins and not some mechanical droid fluid, which was milky and opaque.

I took a closer look at him. No, he was real and not a droid. His lips were red and his cheeks were regaining a pink blush, just enough to ensure I wasn't looking at a corpse. Besides, he was still sweating and when dead bodies begin to "sweat", they usually smell so bad you can smell them from a mile away. I suspected Raoul must be suffering from fever so I leaned closer to take his temperature. I know Artemisia, you don't have to tell me how stupid that was. I caught his scent and could no longer pull away. I was trapped in his aura and remained close to him, hovering above his lips fighting the temptation to kiss and devour him completely. I fought my way to his forehead and pressed my lips against his skin. I can't tell you if it was a kiss or if it was to measure his temperature. I really can't. I can still taste his salty sweat on my lips although it's been hours ago since I left him there. I know he was still asleep then. I wonder if he has gone home or if he is still there? Do you think I shall call the office just to make sure he is all right?

Maybe I shouldn't interfere. I am sure his driver must have called him. Do you think I should? I wonder…

Well, Atremisia. He wasn't there. No answer. 


	11. Computer World

**FLATMATES: 4693-298**

**§§ **

My flat mates are pretty cool. I've been here about a week and we get along, although the place is dirty as heck. None of them like cleaning much, so I bought a lock to my room and I regularly lock it. I don't mind the dirty kitchen or bathrooms and so I eat out and I am always the last to take a shower when most of the dirt has been rinsed out by the time it gets to be my turn. laughing

Innes is the youngest. He is quite tall, quite fair skinned although his hair is dark brown. He often tries to be Mr Goodie-two-shoes, but in fact he is an overprotected little wimp, with a well-rehearsed opinion of what is correct.

Danny has curly black hair and he is the wildest, I guess. He likes all kinds of sports and runs around most often in huge, baggy knee-shorts and the color range of his clothing generally spans the entire spectrum. Personally, I stick to my turtlenecks and polo shirts.

Toby is the one that hibernates through the entire weekend. I have never come across anyone sleeping so much. Sometimes, I don't see him for an entire day. He leaves early, comes home early and goes straight to bed. I am lucky to catch a glimpse of him. He loves wine though and I know he's been home by the empty bottle in the recycle bin in the morning.

Anyway, things are fine with the flat mates. They are not particularly tidy, but it's fine. I have my own room where I can have some privacy and that it quite sufficient. It does feel good however, to have someone to talk to when I get out of the room.

About my work, I have been getting the silent treatment again for days… again. I don't understand that he doesn't see how unfair it is. He makes me so mad. Well, there is a conference coming up next month and Raoul wants me to attend with him. I said yes. Might be good to just escape Tanagura a little while.

However, I can't get my mind off those eight files I never checked out.

Anyway, who gives a damn! I was down at the café again the other day and as I was surfing the net, I came across a pretty neat site for like-minded people. I mean those who work with computer programming, and I think I can get a great deal of info on how to develop this protein modeling Raoul is so keen on. On this site there is also a chat room. Pretty nice. I haven't chatted in a long time, but I did try it out during lunch break today and I already have two good candidates for future contacts – people I don't mind getting to know better. These guys are really good at what they are doing, but they have a little more to learn about programming. However, some of them are talented hackers, especially "X-breed" (as he calls himself) who hacked into you whilst I was chatting and ALMOST managed to sniff out some ID. Lucky for you, darling, that I personally designed your firewall. I think I earned his respect. I get the feeling X-breed is a person to ask about a lot of things, so this site is a place I will be hanging around a lot more.

* * *

**PIECE OF CAKE, THANKS TO X-breed: 4693-308**

**§§ **

Ten days. Sorry, honey I wasn't able to write. I have been really swamped with this project. I am so glad I met with X-breed. He has been helping me out day and night with this program. I got to know him pretty good too. He took on this little project with me for he likes the challenge he says; I also promised him 20 of the money I get for this. After all, he has been of great help. We have finished the basic structure of the script but we need to do the math behind it all and the then test-run the system. We also need to make it interactive and self-controlling and that will take many more months. I reckon that about a year from now we will have the first prototype ready.

Well, when I told Raoul about the progress he was really satisfied and even bought me lunch. He had all sorts of questions about this boost in my confidence and enthusiasm so I told him about this site called the "Playground", but I haven't told him anything about X-breed. I'm going to when the time is right. I suspect he wouldn't be so happy knowing that an outsider is connected to a delicate project, which will be the foundation for future finances. I trust X-breed. We are the same he and I, and we do value the concept of loyalty. After all, I spent three nights creating a similar firewall as yours for the company he works for. As you see, in our cyber world, you are either loyal or you'll perish. Identity-protection means nothing. You leave traces behind and you can be found no matter what you do. You have to sharpen your sixth sense and the only wall of security you can hide behind is the one made up of friends on the other side of the screen. I know this world. I've lived in it for so long…

I told Raoul about the chat room and that I spend a lot of time hanging there, communicating with people. Well, it is true that it gives me more mental stimulation as compared to hanging at those lavish parties and listening to conceited Blondies and having their dirty Pets treat me like crap, just because I used to be, or still am, Furniture. I may lack a dick but not a brain. Hence, he understands why I have no intentions of following him tonight to that gathering at Le'Treiff's place.

So, my darling Artemisia, today is the last day of the week and tomorrow it's the WEEKEND!!! You now what that means, don't you? Oh, yes your flash directory is going to be overcrowded with cookies from the site. I am planning on staying up all night and just chat, chat, chat…

* * *

**CHAT: 4693-309**

**§§ **

I had a great time chatting last night. It's been so long since I could talk to people who were equally crazy as I am. I thought that the Black Market and Ceres had changed all this in me; that I had no childish desires left. But I was wrong. The longer I chatted the more it all came back and by the time it was morning I was back on the same track I was on when I was a teenager. It was still in the wrists.

I had a few hours of sleep and just ate some breakfast. Well, it's actually midday but I don't mind. Raoul's off, it's the weekend, and apart from ordering a lot of takeout, I will have a relaxing time… with you. They have announced a joint chat tonight. People will be up starting around six tonight. X-breed and some of his pals will be there and a bunch of new people. I will have just enough time to get out and buy some stuff I might need tonight – coffee, sweets, chips and soft drinks. Just like old times.

* * *

**TRITHORAX: 4693-310**

**§§ **

Well, well, well, Artemisia. Stewart was apparently the unfortunate one to go with Raoul to the conference as I've read from his gloomy email to me today. Ha! I was not feeling sorry for him, however, for I was too busy preparing for the chat. It went on for twelve hours non-stop. It was so great! There were about fifty-something people attending. Personally, I was mostly chatting with X-breed and another called Cypher (a very talented hacker, hence the name) and close to the morning hours I got acquainted with a youngster called Trithorax. He had been pretty quiet all night through, but he was among the few still remaining just hours before we shut down the chat. Once we began talking he seemed to me as someone rather distant, but slowly he opened up and we chatted on for an hour.

Trithorax, and odd name, but in his early twenties and keen on learning about programming. He has some basic knowledge, that's evident, but he needs a lot more. Anyway, we have all been beginners, isn't it so? We'll talk again tonight and I'll show him some easy scripts that he can work on.


	12. Arguements

** **

ARGUEMENTS: 4693-313

§§

Well, last night was interesting. Trithorax was there as well as X-breed. We had a nice little chat and I think we'll be sticking around for many more conversations. Through the days I have developed an opinion about Trithorax. I believe Trithorax is a talkative fellow and he seems quite smart, but very, very naïve. Cute.

Anyway, I've met with X-breed and we have worked a little bit more on the script. I know, I know, at least these few days whilst Raoul is away I should be doing something else. I am really excited though, since I think this could be something really good. I am sure Raoul will be pleased when I'll present it to him in a few weeks time.

Oh, hold on a sec… Trithorax is on again. Just going to chat a little. Be back in a while.

-Whew-  
I am lost for words. I must say this was an interesting conversation. I had too much wine and perhaps should have refrained from talking to this youngster. I haven't flirted in a long time and it all started with a little slip of words and I think it would have been fun to go quite far, but I ended it within ten minutes by being a prick… as always. I am not very tactful, am I? I will post a part of our conversation. I wonder what Tri thinks of me now?

_BlueBunny_  
I have a few things to correct on the script, but by the middle of the week I should be able to cut time to work on you.

_Trithorax_  
Work on me?! ;)

_BlueBunny_  
Yours Sorry…typo  
_  
Trithorax_  
Typo, huh? No worries, BB, I don't mind…

_BlueBunny_  
Which part? ;)

_Trithorax_  
Any of it… -blushes-

_BlueBunny_  
You blushing? Gimme a break…  
_  
Trithorax_  
You are pretty cocky and sure of yourself? Why would that be so unbelievable?

_BlueBunny_  
You don't strike me as the shy type…

_Trithorax_  
You don't know me very well, BB.

_BlueBunny_  
Right, so tell me about yourself.

_Trithorax_  
What do you want to know?

_BlueBunny_  
You can start with where you are from and what you do for a living and stuff like that.

_Trithorax_  
I live near the Million-project area and I work with people…

_BlueBunny_  
How exhaustive. Working with people; now that's a broad perspective. Being secretive, is that the way for you to seem more interesting or is it because you have a reason for it?

_Trithorax_  
Sorry, but some things would be too revealing and I am sure my boss wouldn't like me babbling about it too much. I gather you have some secrets too, don't you? I don't care for those, I want to get to know YOU, not the stuff you do.

_BlueBunny_  
You are very direct. What do you want to know then… about me…

_Trithorax_  
Turning the tables on me, huh? Right, tell me what you like in another person.

_BlueBunny_  
I like people who understand the concept of loyalty.

_Trithorax_  
That's it?

_BlueBunny_  
That's not JUST it. There are not that many people who understand what it means. In fact I've never met anyone who does. Not my former boss, not my current boss (not getting along at all), not my friends….no one! I hate secretive people, for that means they cannot be trusted. Either they are paranoid or just plain liars. I guess that's why I prefer being alone.  
_  
Trithorax_  
I see… aren't you a bit quick to judge people?

_BlueBunny_  
I've been around far too long to fall for that crap.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Hello, you got really quiet.

_BlueBunny_  
Hello? Scared you off already?

_Trithorax_  
Thinking…  
_  
BlueBunny_  
About what?

_Trithorax_  
You said you feel no one is loyal to you… It must be hard living like you can never trust anyone. I am sorry to hear you have such a life.

_BlueBunny_  
I'm not. It makes life easy. I don't give a shit about people; when they come or go in life. It makes it easy to lose someone.

_Trithorax_  
So you don't feel anything?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Nope…

_Trithorax_  
In that case you are really lucky. All right, I won't keep you up anymore. I'll take my paranoid, liar ass and perhaps talk to you tomorrow then… bye.

_BlueBunny_  
Tri?

_BlueBunny_  
Tri…are you here?

_Trithorax logged off 311: 22'38. Magellan Firewall closes portal IGBHL-3682-9932._

I felt a bit like an ass, Artemisia. I should have understood what I was implying when I wrote "I hate secretive people…" Who am I to talk, right? I am the worst of them all. It takes one to know one, and a good shrink would have called this self-hatred. I have to admit I didn't have to be so distancing in my behavior. I think I would have logged off too. Why would anyone want to talk to an idiot who says something like that? I guess I had it coming to me. What is it about me that make me succeed in pushing people away? Why am I like that all the time?

-Sighs- I've been working for four hours now. It's past midnight and I am bored. X-breed had other plans tonight so he can't log on anymore. I agreed to keep the chat under surveillance in case people broke the forum rules. Just as a precaution.

This script is really challenging, but I should be able to make it work. I just don't get why the links are not working. I did specify the type and settings. Ah well. I'll make some coffee and be back in a while.

Well, well, well…what do we have here? I see Trithorax is on again. Just signed in. Maybe I can have a chat with him. I somehow feel I need to explain myself or at least apologize for brushing him off. Be back in a while, honey.

News bulletin: Kazte Needs release  
Well, I wont say so much, Artemisia. You can judge by yourself.

_BlueBunny_  
Hi, Tri. How R U?

_Trithorax_  
Fine, thanks. U?

_BlueBunny_  
I'm fine thanks. So what are you up to?

_Trithorax_  
Nothing really. Logged on because I got a notification that someone had sent me a PM.

_BlueBunny_  
Oh… say, are you up for a chat?

_Trithorax_  
I have to go soon. What is it?

_BlueBunny_  
Look, I'm sorry about earlier.

_Trithorax_  
Yeah. Anything else?

_BlueBunny_  
Nah.

_Trithorax_  
Good night.

_BlueBunny_  
Tri, wait!

_Trithorax_  
What is it, BB?

_BlueBunny_  
Look, I didn't mean to say that you are paranoid and a liar just because you have secrets.

_Trithorax_  
Really? It sure sounded like that.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
I know. I realized it afterwards. I just meant that I have worked too long with things that were constantly requiring keeping secrets and being paranoid was more of a benefit than a disease. You know?

_Trithorax_  
You don't have to explain to me. It's all right.

_BlueBunny_  
Why?

_Trithorax_  
Why what?

_BlueBunny_  
Why is it all right? You got hurt…

_Trithorax_  
So? You said it's better to have people come and go this way.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Yes. You are right, but I didn't mean to be rude or put to you down.  
_  
Trithorax_  
I am used to that…

_BlueBunny_  
I guess there is no way of apologizing to you, huh?

_Trithorax_  
When was it the last time you forgave or apologized to someone? I mean really, not just empty words.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Granted, you are perceptive.  
_  
Trithorax_  
Takes one to know one.

_BlueBunny_  
Touché. Now, this conversation is finished for tonight.

_Trithorax_  
Is that how you keep yourself shielded from people? By turning your back when you hit an obstacle? I guess your bullshit about not trusting people due to disloyalty is in fact your inability to get attached due to fear.

_BlueBunny_  
LMAO! Oh, that was a good one! FEAR?! Who the fuck do you think you are to judge me?

_Trithorax_  
Obviously, I am an IDIOT for thinking I'd give you a second chance and take time to listen to what you had to say. Just to be brushed off again. You were the one to contact me, remember? You are an overconfident, conceited shit-head who thinks you are completely untouchable and can say whatever you want to people without consequences. You think you are so well educated about people, but you can't even see the picture you paint of yourself. Ha! Let me guess, you have never cared about anyone or anything your entire life… just about your own wellbeing. You are probably the type of asshole who can walk all over people without a second thought. I bet you are the type who can smile at other people suffering. Fuck you, BB.

_BlueBunny_  
I really don't care for the "Fuck you, BB"-part, but to some extent you have hit spot on. YES; I can smile even when others are crying. NO; it's no use begging or giving me apologies. NO; I don't care for people.

_Trithorax_  
So, why are you wasting time talking to me?

_BlueBunny_  
Because you are so full of it, that you actually amuse me with your amateur psycho-crap. And I need a good laugh.

_Trithorax_  
You are just like the Blondies. If I didn't know better I'd say you ARE one. Worthless piece of shit of an excuse for a human being.

_BlueBunny_  
What?! Me a Blondie?! Kid, you don't know shit about Blondies, I had worked for them my entire life! You wouldn't last a minute in a Blondie household.  
_  
Trithorax_  
Obviously neither did you since you talk in past tense. Did you go to a fancy little training camp for Pets and now you think you are better than the rest? The only thing you have proven is how little you've used your brain lately.

_BlueBunny_  
Fine! Just stop it. I get it! You've won this round!

_BlueBunny_  
Hey are you still here, you little pest?

_Trithorax_  
Yeah, but if you keep on insulting me I won't stay for long.

_BlueBunny_  
Let's just drop it. What have you been up to?

_Trithorax_  
Listening to music, taking a long shower after your previous tantrum, talking to some people about what kind of an asshole the new moderator is (YOU), surfing… just the regular stuff.

_BlueBunny_  
You sound like you managed a lot in boosting your ego by letting others lick your wounds. See? It's good to have someone piss you off now and then… it makes you creative. And just think of all the time you would have wasted talking to me…  
_  
Trithorax_  
Mmm… I guess… and you?

_BlueBunny_  
Just working on the script, eating junk food… thinking about you…

_Trithorax_  
Thinking about me:-/ Is this your way of apologizing?

_BlueBunny_  
I never apologize, remember? And I don't have to explain myself, I am just saying that perhaps my way of approaching you was not the most thought through way.

_Trithorax_  
Well, how about if I DON'T accept your NON-apology and your NO-explanation and we'll just NOT move on?

_BlueBunny_  
-smiles- Yeah, WD B GR8. Thanks

_Trithorax_  
I'd like to go back to that "thinking of me"-part. :) About what? Anything nice? ;)

_BlueBunny_  
Tri, I've only known about your existence for a few days… what do you expect?

_Trithorax_  
Doesn't stop you from think about me, does it? -grin-

_BlueBunny_  
For crying out loud, kid… -rolls eyes-

_Trithorax_  
What?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
:-/

_Trithorax_  
Fine whatever… as long as I occupy your dreams. I knew you were a big softie ;)

_BlueBunny_  
"I knew you were a big softie"… You are so annoyingly stubborn, Tri…

_Trithorax_  
"annoyingly stubborn" as you say... Well, I knew there was a reason why you liked me. LOL Anyway, tell me about what you look like at least so I can draw you on the wall the next time I throw darts. I see you have a blue plushy Bunny (?!) as an avatar… what's with that?

_BlueBunny_  
So? You have a banana-fly… what's with that? Anyway, I sniff air about 6'2 above ground, skinny, smoking like heck, bad eating habits, living off coffee, red hair, honey/amber (whatever you prefer) eyes…that just about summarizes all I have to offer.

_Trithorax_  
Hey, don't be patronizing to banana-flies, they are nice creatures. Redhead, huh? I LOVE redheads! You've just given me another reason to continue talking/bugging (whatever you prefer) you. :P  
Anywhooo, I had a girl friend (sort of) once, and she was a brunette, but she had quite a lot of red in her hair too. I just loved those strings of fiery red in her hair. It gave it depth and… I dunno it was just really nice. Sexy. ;)

_BlueBunny_  
A GF, huh? That's unusual on this planet. Well, I am better than your GF in that case, for mine is completely red… at the roots.

_Trithorax_  
Downstairs too? O.O -blink-blink-

_BlueBunny_  
Yep…

_Trithorax_  
MARRY ME! I'll be your slave even!  
_  
BlueBunny_  
LOL… you are one crazy little guy, Tri…

_Trithorax_  
Well, believe it or not, I am not that little. I am actually taller than you. I reach about 6'8 and weigh about 200 pounds.

_BlueBunny_  
I hope you have a sturdy chair chubby…

_Trithorax_  
LOL. I am not fat, BB.

_BlueBunny_  
200 pounds of muscle? -Woa- Get out of here!  
_  
Trithorax_  
Ceres keeps me fit, you know.

_BlueBunny_  
I bet it does. You train?

_Trithorax_  
Every day.

_BlueBunny_  
Pretty impressive. Should send me a picture sometime.

_Trithorax_  
Don't have any. :(  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Yes, THAT always is the case when proof is asked for. -snorts-  
_  
Trithorax_  
You obnoxious little shit. All right! Hold on… will take one with the cam right now and send it over.

_BlueBunny_  
Okie dokie…

_BlueBunny_  
Waiting…

_Trithorax_  
Hold you horses, redhead!

_Trithorax: Sending attachment Me.iqi; pending authorization and authentication by receiver. Magellan Serum scanned for virus. Status: None detected._  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Got it… -boink- O.O Wow, is this you?

_Trithorax_  
Yeah.

_BlueBunny_  
Nice chest, but where is the rest.

_Trithorax_  
Use your imagination, buddy. :P

_BlueBunny_  
-grunt- Can't see the head though…

_Trithorax_  
Does the head matter?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
I dunno, you could have just taken off someone's head from an ad or any pic from the Net.  
_  
Trithorax_  
You're so full of it, BB, you just want to see me LIVE.

_BlueBunny_  
:D hehehe…  
_  
Trithorax_  
For crying out loud – as you so nicely put it. I'm giving you ten seconds to gawk at me… then I am turning it off. And don't ask me to wink at you, for I wont show you my face anyway. I don't know you that well yet.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Fair enough…

_Trithorax: Inviting for visual contact; pending authorization by receiver. Magellan Serum scanned for virus. Status: None detected. Magellan Blockbuster was asked by sender to perform a scan for possible recoding of conversation. Status: None detected. To view conference, authenticate code MGZKY739._

_BlueBunny_  
Boy, you are suspicious. Ask the firewall to perform a scan on my computer in case I record you, huh? What were you planning on showing? LOL  
_  
Trithorax_  
Just a precaution…  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Hmm… I see a green, knitted jumper, a pair of jeans and retro sneakers (pretty cool), but I don't see what you just sent me. At least remove the jumper.

_Trithorax_  
Oh bugger. You are a nuisance!

_Trithorax_  
Better?

_BlueBunny_  
O.o -thud-  
_  
BlueBunny_  
You weren't joking, kid. Like I said; pretty impressive. -gulp- Don't forget to thank Ceres for me… :-)≈

_Trithorax_  
Thanks. Can I put my jumper back on?

_BlueBunny_  
…

_Trithorax_  
Bunny?

_Trithorax_  
Hello?

_Trithorax_  
Are you still here, BB?

_BlueBunny_  
Yeah… I was still thinking…  
_  
Trithorax_  
About what?

_BlueBunny_  
If I want you to put your jumper on…

_Trithorax_  
LOL… You moron.

_Transmitter ended visual session. End of conference.  
_  
_Trithorax_  
Well, I got to get off now. I have some stuff to do in the morning and it's late… again.

_BlueBunny_  
NOOoo, I was just beginning to have fun ;)

_Trithorax_  
Sorry, we can talk again tomorrow… or actually later on today. Up for that?

_BlueBunny_  
Yeah. You will most likely find me here… C U  
_  
Trithorax_  
-poofs-

_Trithorax logged off 312: 03'17. Magellan Firewall closes portal IGBHL-3682-9932._

What can I say, Artemisia. This guy is a little hottie.

* * *

PLEASE TAKE TIME TO SHARE YOUR OPINION. 


	13. Work, work, work and a little play

**

WORK, WORK, WORK…AND A LITTLE PLAY: 4693-330

**

**§§**

It's been almost twenty days since I wrote anything to you. I am sorry to leave you out on the gossip, but I do have to admit, I have been swamped by work and my late night chats with Trithorax.

Since he is not so fond of talking about his current job, just as I am not willing to share information about mine, we have come to the general understanding to leave our work out of our spare time. I got to know him a little better through his responses to questions that aren't really directed at him. He likes sports, he likes reading a lot (it shows, for he is very well spoken at times), he likes cooking (says he can make the best apple pancakes on Amoi), and when he is really in need of some peace an quiet, he goes to the Arcos cemetery. Now that is strange. It is the oldest cemetery on Amoi and is situated at the outskirts of Tanagura. Although flanked by tall buildings of glass and metal, it is ever so peaceful and protected by an ancient fortress left behind as a legacy to marvel at what seems to be prehistoric architecture. Trithorax says that everything is really quiet there and that one can even hear one's own thoughts. It's as if the rumble of the high-paced life outside suddenly disappears. Well, I'll have to try it out sometimes.

Still, he catches my interest, for there is a depth to him. He is cocky and demands nothing but the utmost respect and is very direct when something sounded bad or perhaps was misunderstood. After our first arguments, he is not willing to waste time on bitter feelings. He asks and is very keen on making sure there are no hard feelings are left behind once we log off. Look at me, I am babbling on about him without telling you the slightest thing about what is going on at work.

Well, Raoul has been in a foul mood for days. As I've heard – the rumor mill – something with the reprogramming of native cells aren't working as it should. Raoul has niched himself into some exotic disease with a deadly outcome. It is apparently something that is genetically present at birth, but its onset is about at the age of three to five years in a person's life and the first symptoms are tumors in the eyes. I don't know what the heck that disease could be but he is apparently trying to find out the mechanisms behind it. Not that Raoul has ever been interested in mongrels, let alone KIDS – I think he would get a nasty rash near one of them – but I think he takes it as a challenge to see if he can unravel the puzzle before anyone else does. He has been working late whereas I, due to my acquaintance with Tri, have left the office on time (always before him). He hasn't asked for my presence and I haven't called to see if there is something he needs. I think what he needs is a vacation or to be left alone. However, apart from that he seems rather content with life. He is in and out on meetings as he will be tonight as well. He said some delegates from the medical center were to drop off some samples and discuss future aspects on the research evolving around these kids.

Anyway, let's drop work and talk about more fun stuff; like Trithorax. Well, I haven't flirted or spoken to him in any double-meaning way since that time he took his shirt off for me, but last night we had a pretty interesting conversation about why it's easier to open up to strangers compared to someone a person knows and trusts. Funny, I've never thought about it, but Trithorax was right. I dared to reveal my life from the time when I lived with Iason. I haven't spoken to anyone about it – not even Raoul. Trithorax's genuine curiosity, and the fact that he neither knows my face or my real name, has made it easy to bring those hidden, suppressed thoughts into light and just talk about them. I have found it less daunting then I imagined it would be, but I am yet to tell him I am a eunuch. At first I was insecure how I would feel re-living those times, but right now, I am happy I have found someone to talk to. It's almost eight and he is very punctual. When he says he will be on, he never misses a second.

Damn, damn, damn Arteisia!!!! What a CHAT! I am in heaven! READ IT!

_BlueBunny logged on 330: 19'58. Magellan Firewall opens portal KJNDB-897349-493.  
Trithorax logged on 330: 20'00. Magellan Firewall opens portal IGBHL-3682-9932.  
_  
_BlueBunny_  
Hi :D

_Trithorax_  
Hey Bunny, how are U today?

_BlueBunny_  
Great now that you are on.

_Trithorax_  
Taking that as a compliment. I must admit I was also looking forward to seeing you tonight. I sort of started missing talking to you during the day too.

_BlueBunny_  
Really now?

_Trithorax_  
-nods- Seriously Bunny, things have been really messy about here in Ceres. Some crazy shit is going on. Today there was another showdown between the police force and the Pet-dealers. There was some pretty heavy shootings outside the office and it scared the hell out of me when the shots were fired through our window.

_BlueBunny_  
Are you for real?!

_Trithorax_  
Yeah. Things have gotten really out of hand here.

_BlueBunny_  
What s going on in Ceres? I haven't been there for years.

_Trithorax_  
It's the trafficking Lords, you know, Pet dealers. The Black Market is blooming and everyone wants a piece of the action. Rumor has it that there is a new player in town. A ruthless one at that, for one dealer after the other ends up either at the bottom of the ocean or in jail. And I tell you, the Supreme Court is NOT being particularly gentle to these guys. There are too many people trying to feed off this piggy bank and they are tearing it apart, which only leads to the exposure of the extent of this problem. I think it's good, but the bad part is that there are loads of pretty little things being discarded here and there. Haven't you seen the news? I mean, last week a container with twenty beautiful Pets was found drifting in space like debris. The Pets were already frozen to death. And just last weekend a similar pod was salvaged after crash-landing into the sea. Those Pets were more fortunate, but since they are in a hibernating state, there is no way of asking them about who is the head behind it all.

_BlueBunny_  
Sounds really... terrible.

_Trithorax_  
Turn on the news tonight. It's a hot topic. You might even see me on screen for some reporters were here after the attack. Anyway, I think these guys are so good at covering up their tracks that no on will be able to figure it out. I guess it will just grow.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Don't be so sure…  
_  
Trithorax_  
I am sure. This I am very sure of. But let's talk about something more fun. I was really shaken up and I want to forget about it. Talk to me.

_BlueBunny_  
Sure thing. So what do you want to talk about?  
_  
Trithorax_  
You… :)  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Me?! What about me?

_Trithorax_  
Hey! You know almost everything about me, my ideas, opinions, passion and even my favorite food… and you even got to see me half naked. It's your turn now.

_BlueBunny_  
To undress or what?

_Trithorax_  
If you want. ;)  
_  
BlueBunny_  
I am telling you with sincerity, baby, I am not half as interesting to look at as compared to you.

_Trithorax_  
Why don't you let ME be the judge of that?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Honestly, Tri, this is something very, very difficult to understand. I can't even begin to explain it to you, but please trust me on this one. I cannot undress.

_Trithorax_  
I see… is it that you don't TRUST me?

_BlueBunny_  
Oh, c'mon, Tri. I would really like to, but I can't return the favor. I wish otherwise, but I can't. You are very beautiful and pleasant to look at, and yes, I would like to see more of you… but I would be afraid to ask for I can never return the favor. You simply wouldn't understand.

_Trithorax_  
All right.

_BlueBunny_  
Tri…?

_Trithorax_  
Yes?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Mad at me?  
_  
Trithorax_  
No, just a little disappointed.

_BlueBunny_  
I am sorry. I can't change this. If I could do anything to show you that I DO trust you and that my intentions are not sinister or… I mean, just ask anything. Except showing my body.

_Trithorax_  
All right. You said you had been thinking of me?

_BlueBunny_  
Yes…

_Trithorax_  
Then tell me what that was and give me all the details. Word for word!

_BlueBunny_  
Tri, you are killing me here. :(  
_  
Trithorax_  
Don't you DARE frown at me. You said "If I could do anything to show you that I DO trust you and that my intentions are not sinister".  
So I'm asking you now and you complain. I think this is a fair trade, don't you?

_BlueBunny_  
All right. I've been thinking about the time you took your jumper off.

_Trithorax_  
What about it?

_BlueBunny_  
Well, what do you think?  
_  
Trithorax_  
Oh, c'mon Bunny… be a little cooperative here. Details please!

_BlueBunny_  
Gee, how much more clear do I have to get? You looked nice.

_Trithorax_  
After stripping half naked, you think I'll settle for that? You can at least be fair on the trade. Be a businessman!

_BlueBunny_  
A businessman, eh? All right, let's play… and how will you compensate me if I happen to pay you too much compliments?

_Trithorax_  
I'll think of something. Talk to me… what were you thinking about?

_BlueBunny_  
I was thinking about the way you looked when you pulled the zipper down on your jumper and exposed your chest…  
_  
BlueBunny_  
It looked very well defined with bulging muscles. Your skin was so perfect. Your room was dim, but the way the light shimmered off your skin told of its smooth softness and I wanted to reach across the screen to just touch you.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Then when you removed your jumper and I saw the delicious contour of your torso, I felt entirely warm. I think your prominent collarbones are so sexy…the way they create a slight wave from the middle of the chest to the shoulders. It's beautiful. I love collarbones like that.

_BlueBunny_  
I also remember your rounded shoulders, the strong upper arms and your flat stomach. Your slim, firm waist and the lining of the jeans as it, despite your toned body, cut into your skin when you moved around in the chair.

_BlueBunny_  
I also remember the way your crotch was pressing against that strong denim, holding back whatever was inside… I was curious what was hiding behind your jeans. I've been thinking about that… still am…  
_  
Trithorax_  
Tell me more… please…  
_  
BlueBunny_  
I was playing with the thought of how you looked down there. Are you fair haired or brunette? You shave it off that's for sure. smiles The smoothness under you bellybutton would suggest that anyway… or perhaps you are just lucky.

_Trithorax_  
I think I am both…  
_  
BlueBunny_  
I was also trying to imagine if you were symmetrical or if there was a slight difference in size and shape and what you would look like playing…

_Trithorax_  
BlueBunny?

_BlueBunny_  
Yes?

_Trithorax_  
Do you want to see?

_BlueBunny_  
What? See you play…?

_Trithorax_  
Yes…

_BlueBunny_  
Very much.

_Trithorax: Inviting for visual contact; pending authorization by receiver. Magellan Serum scanned for virus. Status: None detected. To view conference, authenticate code DSHVJ350._

_BlueBunny_  
Aren't you going to ask Magellan Blockbuster to scan for recording possibilities?

_Trithorax_  
No. I trust you. But you will have to guide me. I wont be able to respond ;)

And here, Artemisia, is when things got really heated. I saw him appear on the screen. Dimmed background, face hidden, but from the shoulders down I saw it all. He had a white, sleeveless shirt and trousers from a track suit (he had been out running). I could clearly see his erection bulging behind that thin fabric, and when he removed his shirt I thought I would climb into your screen and over to the other side. That sweaty body, those toned muscles glistening in the light from his computer, the fingertips gingerly gliding over the rosy nipples and the firm stomach – all that, was arousing me beyond what I thought was possible. I was so wet I would have slipped off the chair if I had been naked. He was so appealing. I asked Tri to remove his trousers and to my surprise he had nothing underneath. In a blink of an eye his member was pointing towards me and throbbing in his hands. I asked him to stand up and move closer to the camera, for I wanted to see the veins decorating his marvelous equipment. The top of the swollen head was nicely and symmetrically rounded, merging with the hard shaft as it proudly protruded from the hips. I instructed him to turn to the side and pose for me as he let go of himself, and just as I had anticipated, his member was pointing only at a slight angle away from his stomach despite the lack of support from his hands. I just stared and for a short while I couldn't even say a thing.

I wanted to taste him and that was a strange notion, for I have never been a great fan of oral sex; not having to perform it on others anyway. But this was something I hungered for. I found myself lost in illicit thoughts about taking a toy like that into my mouth to feel its unrelenting sturdiness silencing me. As he asked for my next command I snapped back to reality. By that time, I could clearly feel the moisture between my legs, soaking my underwear as well as my trousers. I was leaking and yearning, but I was so focused on him that I forgot about my body. I directed him back into his chair, legs placed on each side of the arm support so that he would expose his entire beauty just for me.

Through my guidance, his hands danced over his member, tugging and playing until he built up that pulsating frenzy I wished to feel through his act. I asked him to slow down and though I didn't see his face, I could feel the frustration eating him from within. I could almost hear him begging inside my head; "Please…let me come!"

As I granted him the permission to spend, I saw his body tense; the muscles on his flat stomach cramped and he froze for those few seconds before those liberating spasms. He released his essence in a series of bursts as that milky liquid deluged his abdomen. I couldn't tear myself from watching him and as my fingers traced the shape of his exhausted member, shamelessly displayed on my screen, I realized how much I missed having someone. After a few more sentences we parted for the night, but I am already looking forward to our next session.

One thing kept on bothering me though. It was what he had said about the Black Market. I should know about it, for I worked with it for so many years. Who was the new boss? I used to be one of the bigger names in Tanagura when it came to the Black Market. I knew every thug one could gain benefits from through information, extortion, pay back, you name it… I knew them all. It was hard for me to leave; the business had grown very large and profitable. I cut all my ties to Iason Mink and our shared 'commerce'. I bought back every stock I had invested, sold off properties, paid everyone I owed and then just disappeared. Apparently, there was a hole, emptiness, left behind that needed to be filled, and now it was bigger than ever. My way of making money was questionable, I agree, but I never treated the slaves like trash in the sense that in my eyes they were never expendable. They were the source of my affluence; how could I kill them? So what was going on now in Ceres on the Black Market? Perhaps I should take a stroll there again and revisit some of my old friends. Perhaps they can fill me in on what I have missed.


	14. Raoul

**

RAOUL: 4693-333

**

**§§**

I entered his office calling his name for I couldn't see him sitting at his desk. He answered from somewhere in the office but I wasn't sure where. I called out again and he answered again. I walked to his desk and called out his name; finally he peeked out from under the table shouting; "What? What, what and what?" 

I jolted as it was rather unexpected to find him crawling under his desk and I felt almost awkward as if I was intruding on a private moment.

"What are you doing on the floor?" I asked.

"I am fixing the router."

Makes sense; Raoul has a separate access terminal built in under the floor beneath his desk. It was separate from the rest of the building and he had direct access to Jupiter from there; they could home in on each other.

"What's there to fix?"

"Damn it!" Then he sighed and said; "I need to rewire it a bit to be able to access another 'beacon' from across the town."

I was utterly surprised to hear that, for a 'beacon' was a master server with no identity, constantly shifting its address and eluding tracking by repositioning its ghosts and frequencies at a random order. I used to have one when I was dealing with Pets and Lords. It was impossible to track both the receiver and the sender. Why was Raoul trying to rewire Jupiter's access terminal to home in on a beacon? Smart by the way, for Jupiter uses the same technique and thus her presence through the entire planet goes unnoticed. Everywhere and yet nowhere. It's efficient, like a 'cleaner' who hunts targeted people down, 'cleans them out' and then disappears without a trace. When authorities search for witnesses to testify against you, there will be dozens swearing they saw you at that particular place and time, and all of them will be wrong. Although often spoken of as 'homing in' on a beacon, it was always the other way around; it was the beacon contacting the receiver. A beacon never revealed itself. 'Don't call us, we'll call you.'

I climbed in under the table and joined him.

"Why are you trying to home in a beacon, Raoul?"

"Don't bother your pretty head with it, Katze."

He was trying to open the latch to the access terminal, but it was properly sealed – understandably. However, everything is accessible with the right tools and some stubbornness. I was thinking; haven't I seen one of these security latches before? Oh yes, it is one of those you need to open all its pentagonal corners at the same time. In addition, it was magnetically sealed, so even if the locks were undone, the power needed to be cut and the lid removed before the backup power was activated, which usually took only a second. It was an impossible mission. There had to be another way.

I went to the janitor's storage room and gathered some tools with which we could cut through the floor… from underneath.

"All right, here are the blueprints." I said and we looked at the structure of the level under us.

"There." Raoul pointed at a spot on my screen. I hate that! I hate it when people put their sticky fingers on the screen. He took my growl rather well though and wiped away his smudged fingerprint with his shirtsleeve.

He had pointed at the ventilation system under his floor. Of course, that was a weak spot, but there would still be inches of concrete to go through. That was no problem, for concrete was soft, the metal casing however, surrounding the access terminal was like a little vault. But we had all night.

We had to go to the lounge situated two stories below our office to be able to access the ventilation system from an easy starting point. Next to the lounge there was a small café and according to regulations, where there is food, there has to be proper ventilation. The café had closed hours ago and accessing the small kitchen in connection to it was no problem. The problem started however, when we realized that the ventilation shaft was only half a meter high; this meant crawling like a dog. It was fine by me, but Raoul? Well, you won't believe what happened next, Artemisia.

I turned around and he had not yet entered the shaft. Then I heard from the inlet; "Beer or Mead?"

"Raoul, where are you?"

"Raiding their fridge." He shouted from the kitchen. "Hey, they have Panna Cotta here too… I wonder why they never have that on the menu? So what do you want?"

"What?"

"Beer or Mead?"

"Um…Mead?"

"Sweet or low caloric?"

"Fukin' A, Raoul." I whispered as I smiled. "How about sweet?"

"Got it, one can each or do you want more?"

Cans?! Raoul never drinks out of cans. What was he up to? Packing a picnic bag with half the kitchen supply and a blanket too? Ha! This I had to see.

"One is enough thank you."

"…coming…"

I kept on crawling and Raoul was close behind me. You know Artemisia, I have never, never, ever heard a joke from a Blondie… EVER! Until tonight, and it was a dirty one too. He said: "I hope you didn't eat anything bloating today. I don't want to end up with freckles now that I am this close to your ass."

I reacted on pure reflex; "For crying out loud, Raoul!"

"Haha!" He mocked me. "That was really funny, Katze… was it on purpose?"

I turned around. Or rather, I tried, but I could only turn my head to get him into view. We were at a section where light seeped through a grid inlet on the ceiling.

"What?"

The long fringe was covering his face, but those mischievous eyes shone right through – giving off a sparkle I had not witnessed before.

"Yeah, you know." Raoul said. "Crying OUT-LOUD-RAOUL… I mean it rhymes, don't you think?"

"Oh, for fck sake, Raoul!"

He giggled and I was almost certain he was drunk again. We continued on through that dark maze of draught and dust and after a short while, he was at it again.

"Hey, Kat…"

What? He had a pet name for me too, did he? I crawled on, without paying too much attention.

"What?"

"Have you heard about the guy who went to the doctor when he was sick, and the doctor said: 'I'll need a urine, feces and semen sample.' You know what the guy said?"

"No."

"Gee, doc, I'm sort of in a hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?"

"That's it!" I shouted and tried my best to be able to turn around, but it was futile. I was trapped like canned meat. I threw myself on my back and slid in underneath him growling: "Breathe on me!"

"What?" Raoul sounded surprised but amused. I couldn't see much, but that is how I assumed he looked. The lighting was so scarce I saw only his silhouette as it hovered above me.

"C'mon Raoul, breathe on me! How much did you drink today?"

Then he did the most peculiar thing. He snorted in his usual Blondie way and planted the biggest, hottest kiss I've received in years, right on my lips. I was so shocked that I completely froze as my eyes stared into the darkness above me. Against my will, my lips parted and he gladly forced his way inside where he found a responsive tongue that came alive to his passionate tease. I was getting dizzy and had problems breathing, and just before my strength let me down, he pulled himself away asking: "Do I smell drunk?"

"N-no." I managed to stutter and felt as his body levitated above me, past me and suddenly he had taken the lead. I followed him for the rest of the journey without commenting on anything, for in the comfort of the darkness around us, I was still kissing him.

After about half an hour and a few wrong turns, we reached the area, which was situated right under his office. We had to cut ourselves free from the ventilation shaft and step out into the parting cavity between the two floors where isolated pipelines as well as electronic wiring was neatly structured and led across the entire complex. The parting cavity was vast and fully equipped with maintenance kits, emergency exits and lighting (which we made use of), and though it wasn't a particularly high space, since the top of Raoul's head was brushing against the ceiling, but we could at least stand upright. Of course, maintenance staff had to come now and then to make sure everything was functioning well. The next time they will be up there they will most likely have some things to clean up, that's for sure. Raoul wasn't particularly gentle drilling his way through his office floor.

I started and he finished it. When the drill hit metal it started shrieking, almost like a human in pain. I bet that alloy casing around the access terminal did pose quite the resistance. We had to switch to the plasma cutter, but it had to be done very carefully, for if the ray melted through the metal it would destroy the electronics inside the casing. We had to turn down the effect on the cutter and work methodologically. It took time, but at least we had mead.  
Although Raoul was incredibly strong and persistent, even his muscles grew tired. We sat down resting for a short moment and for the first time in months, I felt really at ease being so close to him.

I sat down on the square ventilation shaft, looking at Raoul from a distance as he brushed the concrete dust off his chest. His shirt and trousers were ruined, but he didn't seem to mind.

"How is science, Raoul?" I asked and he just smiled back shaking his head.

"Making progress at some parts and lagging behind at others. How's the programming?"

"Making progress."

He lifted his head for a second and watched me with a forced smile on his lips. However, I did catch sight of that fleeting sadness that shimmered through his façade. He seldom seemed genuinely happy nowadays.

"You think you'll be finished by the end of next year, Kat?"

"Yes." I answered as I offered him his drink, holding it out for him to take it. "It won't take too long now, I think."

He sighed, opened up his can of sweet mead and sat down next to me.

"Where will you go after that?"

I understood, Artemisia. I am not that stupid. I knew it, but I played the fool. He didn't want me to leave, but I continued on as if I was completely oblivious to his feelings and thoughts.

"I was thinking about leaving Tanagura… leaving Amoi."

He nodded and agreed that maybe that was the best option for someone with my talent. I made no contradictions to indicate any other thought of options. It was better to leave it at that. Let him believe whatever he wants. It wasn't my business to keep him content – especially not through pity. Yes, Artemisia. I do pity him. He seems so sad and when I sat there next to him, I felt the urge to discuss the possibility to stay after my project was completed. Luckily, I had enough sense to keep those foolish ideas under constraint.

Raoul took a few more sips and got back to work. When he breached the metal casing, he stepped aside for me to do my work. It took almost an hour, but finally I managed to bypass the system through a series of codes and open it up for a broader spectrum of frequencies. Meanwhile, the tidy Mr-goodie-two-shoes cleaned up our mess and finished his stale mead. As he swallowed the last drops, he leaned his head back and ran his fingers though his hair saying: "Kat, do you think I should wear my hair back, like Iason did?"

I cast a few suspicious looks at him whilst sealing up the casing with some plaster we found in a maintenance kit on the wall.

"I don't know, Raoul." I began with sincere contemplation. I walked up to him and cleaned my hands on my turtleneck before I cupped them around his face. I couldn't find a single flaw on his pretty face, Artemisia. He was in his early forties and still so untouched by the passing years. In that aspect I felt really fortunate, for I was holding something precious that not even the hands time had managed to ravage. I did see a few, extremely fine lines near the outer corner of his eyes, but they didn't make him look older at all. They were just adding character to his face and were slightly more pronounced when he smiled. The arch of the eyebrows followed a perfect symmetry, thickening towards the bridge of the nose and thinning towards the temple. I traced them with my thumbs and he closed his eyes. I tell you Artemisia, I still love those eyelashes. My fingers acquainted themselves with those handsome features of his face, then dug into his mane at the back of his neck as I marveled at its silkiness, even though it was full of concrete dust. I massaged him gently, and a careful acknowledgement of my actions came through an inadvertent moan that escaped him.

I watched Raoul's face in combination to the hairstyle that as was similar to Iason's, but it was something I didn't want to see. Not on Raoul. He had always been different and this unruly, wavy fringe was so characteristic of Raoul that I feared he would lose a part of himself by changing it. It was an idiom that embodied the concept of Raoul. Perhaps collecting it all in a ponytail or cutting it shorter. Oops! I had no idea I mumbled my thoughts out loud.

"Cutting it shorter?" Raoul cocked his head, eye wide with surprise.

"Well, not too short," I defended myself. "But there is no need having hair down to your butt, I mean I could imagine you in… I don't know… shoulder length perhaps?"

"I would look ridiculous."

"Why's that?"

He rested his head in my palms, relaxing and indulging in my closeness. I could feel it so clearly.

"Because, the only reason my hair looks at least a semi-straight is because it's heavy. If I cut it down the waves will be more pronounced and I'd look like a fool."

"I don't believe that."

"Believe it. I had my share of being 'kawaii' during my Academy years."

"What's 'kawaii', Raoul?"

"Never you mind." He grunted with a smile.

"Well, I still think you would look…" I stopped to pile up the proper words in order to complete my thoughts – gorgeous, irresistible, beautiful, stunning, fabulous, lovely, handsome or divine even – and came up with; "pretty nice."

Katze you are an idiot. I bet that is what you'd say if you could talk back. And I have to say I would agree with you. I had one of the most beautiful men on Amoi in my hands, obviously hungering for some sort of affection or confirmation (although he is a Blondie, I don't understand why he would seek such emotions) and yet, all I can say is that he looks 'pretty nice'?!  
Raoul stared right back at me. Scrutinizing my face and features and it made me feel uncomfortable to the point where my gaze started flickering and I released him. Damn it! Why did I do that? I wanted more, but then I pretended that everything was as it should be and backed away.

"I think it's time we head back." Raoul said and the magic was lost. I didn't ask anything about his beacon and he didn't ask me any questions about helping him further. We left our night at that and parted. He was still at the office when I left.

Well, Artemisia, it's two hours past midnight and I am sitting here with my good old pal Pride next to me and he looks at me with a big stupid grin, confident in knowing he had won another round. I spoke to Trithorax about it too. Well, I didn't mention all the details but I did tell him that my boss was really changing from malicious, conceited and egocentric, to a character I was beginning to like. Too much.

"As long as you don't forget about me." Trithorax had commented. There is no risk of that. I was beginning to like Raoul, but Trithorax was under my skin. I told him about a conference I was to attend on a party-island near the Aaïryn peninsula. It's going to be at New Years Eve. I don't know what nitwit came up with the idea of having a conference that would span over New Years Eve, but then again Blondies were not like normal people. They had huge parties all the year around, no matter the date.

Raoul insisted on me going there and I had no choice but to say 'yes', since I had skipped a few already. I wouldn't be able to chat during those days, but then Tri came up with a really extraordinary idea.

Why don't we meet there? He had some vacation to take out before it was rescinded by the end of the year. There was an alternative club on one of the neighboring island and dress code insisted on hidden identity, which meant people could dress up to anything they desired for a night.

That would be so great, but I was really nervous I couldn't give him a straight answer. I have to think about it. I didn't want to reveal my identity and neither have I told him about me being a eunuch. What if he wanted to touch me? What if I couldn't restrain myself from wanting him and just make a fool of myself by not being able to perform? I would have to expose myself. I want it! The thought is intriguing, but I had to ask him for a few days to think about it. It is daunting, yet exciting. What do you think, Artemisia? Should I take the chance?


	15. Anguish and Harassment

**ANGUISH: 4693-339**

§§

Now, I know I am usually not the kind of person who gets off balance very easily, so why do I feel so anxious about the conference? I have been walking around without being productive for days, whilst Lord Raoul Am, the great scientist, has been pressing me for some results to present at the conference. I told him there is no way I can compile anything to show. The script is not working. Damn-it! I was hoping my progress would continue from last week, but nope. Well, no wonder, my mind was just about everywhere, accept at work. I have been preoccupied with Trithorax, but so no much about his appearance or the juicy conversations we share, but rather about the things he told me regarding the Black Market.

I was down at Downs Club again yesterday, that's why I couldn't write to you. I have been in Ceres to meet with Papa Downs. He has ears that reach across the entire planet and one of the very few who still beat me at hacking into computers. I guess I wasn't too surprised to find out X-breed is one of his "students". Very well, that's not important. What is important is that he actually confirmed what Trithorax had said.

smiles You should see him, he hasn't changed a bit. Still as dark as ever. I mean he is the mongrel king of us all. If people thought Riki was dark… HA! This guy is dark right on through and could make even Riki seem a Blondie. His cinnamon skin is really impressive, and has a very nice texture, and when he smiles his teeth are such contrast to his lips that he resembles a grinning lion.  
I don't remember ever receiving such warm welcome as when I stepped into his office announcing the old identity code "Rats are turning green this year." His arms were wide as the doors to his secluded office area opened. Something Raoul has never done to anyone and most likely never will; well, what is to be expected of a Blondie.

Hardly being able to breathe between words, Papa Downs embraced me like a son and started ordering in drinks so that we would have enough to indulge in while catching up on old times. I really enjoyed it. I like it when he sits next to me for he exudes an aura of sincerity, which is why at times he seems more like a father to me then a friend. That's why I never came home last night.

Papa told me about the new players. And if I was ever considered cruel, then these dealers lack humanity completely. I'd say even Raoul is more humane then this. (Why did I write that? That didn't sound right did it?)  
Here is the deal – this is high level trafficking with exquisite Pets that are Blondies through genetic heritage, but not through birth, and hence the laws do not apply to them for protection. Confusing to you my dear? Well it was shocking to me. Here is how it works; embryos previous to gastrulation from top class female Pets are taken out and the genetic material in them is replaced with that of pure Blondies. So, the fetus will become a Blondie by genetic definition, but is born through that dirty way, which makes them as much of a mongrel as any other person (points at me).

I can't help but to think that this is only one simple step away from what Raoul was trying to accomplish with Mimea. Sure, he would breed her with a male he had chosen, but the form of control reminds me so much of this.  
This is indeed a big problem. According to Papa Downs there is so much profit to be made that the mongrel Pets already in circulation in the system are being killed off… except for the females. Over the few years I had been away from Amoi, the 80:20 ratio between males and females had shifted to the benefit of the women. Little girls who had their debut in menstruation, were used as transporter pods, for whatever they harbored inside. This would be easy to circumvent, if the mongrels had an identity and rights in society. But Jupiter's laws handicapped the Citizen X females and allowed for poaching of Blondie fetuses. Funny, in this aspect, Blondies show the true human traits right on through. It seems like no matter if one is a mongrel or Blondie, dehumanizing a fellow citizen is easy if one finds a slightest difference to point at – in this case, born from mongrel mother.

I will have to dig deeper into this, but right now I am pretty tired. I will come back to you on this, Artemisia. You can count on that.

* * *

**HARASSMENT: 4693-345**

**§§ **

I don't know what has gotten into this great Lord Am, but I tell you, Artemisia, he is a schizophrenic bastard. Despite the fact that I was helping him a while back to illegally bypass Jupiter's control unit over the access terminal, he has not spoken to me the entire day. Well, that's not entirely true. He came into the office this morning, slammed his coat and briefcase on my desk, growling for me to join him in his room. Everyone kept quiet and I did as I was told. It is rare to see Raoul in a good mood, but equally rare is this hideous commanding attitude he displayed. He was to dictate a letter for me and I was to take notes, which I did only to be criticized in one way or the other. Every other sentence was interrupted by "Pay attention!", "Can't you spell?", "Strike this" – "Strike that", "Rewrite!", "Put some effort into it…"

Finally, Artemisia, we finished the note but my mind was preoccupied with thoughts on how to kill the guy. In my mind he was being stupid, annoying, arrogant, and a narcissistic bastard; all the fine qualities of a Blondie. If it wasn't for the fact that I really enjoyed writing this script, one of the greatest challenges I've ever come across, I would have left Raoul, his company and this rotten planet, a long time ago. And no matter how much he would offer to pay, I would never return. I WILL never return. I will finish this program and then disappear!

In fact I will start looking for a job today; I'll do that during my lunch hour. Talk to you later, honey.

I am so confused. I don't know what has gotten into this Blondie. He came out of the office just minutes before I usually head off for lunch, and approached me by asking if I wanted to join him. I know that nothing good will come of the fact of humiliating him in public by declining his offer in front of the others, and so I accepted with a faint smile although I would have knocked him out if I could.

He reminded me once again about the conference that we were to attend, but all I could think of then was meeting with Trithorax. Raoul was babbling on about the lectures, the banquet and all those prominent people we were to get acquainted with, but I could hardly hear what he was saying. After a while of just staring at him, I wasn't able to tell whether he was really talking to me or if he was just crushing words and chewing sentences between bites. His mouth was busy, but to me the words made no sense. I was engulfed by the thought of Trithorax; that well-defined torso, those muscular thighs and that fantastically captivating member that rested so neatly in his hands. I wanted to see it again… I wanted to feel it. What would it be like to have it inside me?

"Katze, are you listening?"

"No, of course not, you moron…you make no sense." I felt like spewing that at my boss, but his smile somehow tamed the hatred out of me. That damned Blondie. I hated their anger and sudden mood changes, and the unquenchable thirst for retaliation that was so prominent even in Iason Mink. They were so fiendish when angered yet so divine when caring. I hated that in them. I hated that in Raoul. He was so typical Blondie, and yet so different. At least that is how I felt at that time. Now that I am writing this, I am convinced he has been reprogrammed by Jupiter to be the biggest con man and bastard ever to walk the face of this planet. Why can't she just kill him?

"Yes, I was just…thinking bout some things…um…"

I took the last bite of my Caesar Salad and washed it down with some cool juice, asking him to repeat the last things he just said. But as the monotone mumbling of Raoul's ideas and interests in this conference was soaring in the background, my head drifted towards Ceres, slavery and inevitably to Trithorax. Suddenly, I felt a warm hand on my arm and the most peculiar words hammered against my ears; penetrating through that incomprehensible nonsense.

"I really want to screw you, Katze."

I must have dropped my jaw. I can't remember, but I am quite sure I was taken aback and froze for a few seconds. Had I really heard it correctly?

"I beg your pardon?"

Raoul eyes were feverish and wet in a way I had never seen them before. I was enchanted and my heart began racing. Whether of joy or fear, I wasn't sure, but I somehow welcomed this impertinent intrusion into my very soul. It was like an arrow of ice into my core and whilst trying to unravel the sanity behind the echoing words of filth, I felt the heat exuding from his touch and drawing me closer to his presence. I didn't even notice the passage of time as I looked from my seat to his lips, but when his breath caressed my face, I jolted into reality and repeated my question.

"I…I beg your pardon?"

Raoul licked his lips and I inhaled the faint bouquet of the Ambrosia wine released from his tongue. He leaned closer and allowed for gentle yet audacious whispers to advance towards my ears; his lips only tingling the aura near my skin, but without touching. It was so frustrating and so…alluring.

"I want you, Katze." Raoul whispered. "To feel your body next to mine…"  
A kiss on my earlobe broke through the borders of decency and sent a focus of heat straight to my maimed groin.  
"To taste your skin…"  
A kiss on the curve of my ear.  
"To taste your sweat…"  
A kiss on my temple.  
"To taste your kisses…"  
Lips tracing down my cheeks and searching for my mouth, but only to evade a fumbling attempt from me to catch him. Anger flared up inside me but I was helplessly caught by his charm, Artemisia. I couldn't pull away!  
His hands were burning my skin wherever they brushed against my body; my hands, my neck, my face… it felt like he was consuming me alive. I couldn't breathe of this paralyzing web he exuded through his closeness.  
"To taste your…" He leaned ever so close to my ear, "creamy, salty come, in my mouth."

I jumped up from my seat gasping and making an attempt to shout at him, but my voice was so weak. I don't understand.

"That's sexual harassment, Raoul." I growled and he just laughed in return.

"So go ahead and report me." He challenged in return. "Go ahead." His smile disappeared as he repeated his words. "Go on… go ahead, report me."

Raoul was turning more and more serious until he finally slammed his fist so hard against the table that the wooden surface cracked.

"Go ahead!"

He grabbed me by the collar and I could feel everyone's gaze at us. They were trying to mind their own business, but the centre of attentions was I and my boss – arguing.

"So what are you going to say to the board?" Raoul hissed at me and then whimpered in a theatrical manner to emphasize his mockery of my confused state – or perhaps to clarify his power over me. I don't know which. "I am just a little mongrel shit and I want to report my big, bad Blondie boss, for wanting to fuck me in the ass… poor, poor me. They will probably tell you to feel fortunate to even have the opportunity to work for me, and to catch my attention…" He snorted a smile as his hands around my collar tightened and I was beginning to choke. "That must be jack-pot in the eyes of a mongrel like you."

"What do you want, Raoul?"

"What have you been doing the past few weeks?"

He was still growling viciously, but quietly enough for others not to hear what did not concern them. Still, I was ashamed.

"I don't understand…"

"Don't play with me, Katze! You have been spotted on several occasions in Ceres, talking to people that are on the opposite side of the law. Apart from that, I've noticed you are frequently chatting with someone on your breaks."

He let go of me but had me pinned with his gaze as he asked; "Are you taking up your old business?"

I was shocked and my answer must have hovered like that of a kid being chastised; insecure and afraid; "No! No, Raoul, I am not. I swear, I was just visiting some old friends, I am not starting up anything."

Raoul stared deep into my eyes nodding and subsequently stepped up a bit closer.

"All right, I believe you." He said with a dangerous tinge in his stiff resignation, then placed his big hand on my chin asking; "So who is your new pairing partner?"

By that time, Artemisia, I was trembling. It felt like I had no privacy; he knew everything about me. How did he find all this out? Had he hacked you? That was my first thought, which is why I had to check you processor, but to my amazement there were no traces of anyone getting inside you. How did he know?

"Is he any good?" Raoul continued. "Do you like him fucking you? Can you give anything back… or do you get pleasure out of the very frustration of being a eunuch?"

I broke free, trembling with hatred and disgust. I was utterly humiliated and he knew it. He did it deliberately. I know my eyes were filled with tears and I hated that more than being discovered having a "lover". I turned and left without saying a word, and I heard him knock over the table in anger. I heard the porcelain smash against the floor, the chink off glass and splinters hailing to the ground. But I didn't bother to turn around. I was humiliated and just wanted to come home.

* * *

_**Hi all. Please take a few minutes to share your opinion. Thank you very much adn I hope you enjoy this story. :)**_

* * *


	16. Drunk:Sad

** **

DRUNK – SAD: 00:04 am 4693-346

§§

It's just a few minutes past midnight and I am feeling so sick. I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes in just a few hours and emptied a bottle of wine. Yet I have so much adrenaline pumping in me that I can't feel the drunkenness that most likely is inside me. I bought a huge bottle on my way home and drank it to calm down… but the hell with it. It didn't help.

I am choking on my insecurity when it comes to Raoul. And I don't even know why. He has been a bastard ever since I came here, and a decent person only a very, very few times. So why do I care and take his insults so close to my heart? Why do his words sting so badly?

I still can't grasp what happened at the office today. Oh, I see Trithorax has finally logged on.

_BlueBunny logged on 346: 00'08. Magellan Firewall opens portal KJNDB-897349-493.  
Trithorax logged on 346: 00'23. Magellan Firewall opens portal IGBHL-3682-9932._

_Trithorax_  
Hey BB:) How are you? Haven't seen you on for awhile…

_BlueBunny_  
Yeah, I had some business to attend to and I've been swamped with work. Sorry. How are you, by the way?

_Trithorax_  
Good thanks. Hey, are you still going to that conference you talked about? I ordered the tickets and will stay there a whole week. I will arrive a little sooner then you. I also bought tickets to the masquerade.

BlueBunny  
I don't know if I am going, Tri…

_Trithorax_  
Why?! You must!!!!

_BlueBunny_  
I had a terrible fight with my boss today and I think he'd rather want me dead than attending a conference…

_Trithorax_  
Why? What happened, B?

_BlueBunny_  
Nah… forget it.  
_  
Trithorax_  
Tell me… please. Look I trusted you enough to get undressed in front of you, doing things I had never done before… why can't you trust me enough to just tell me what's wrong?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Well… we were supposed to discuss the conference. Raoul, my boss, had been an asshole the whole time I've been here on Amoi. Today he was talking to me, but my mind was so full of a lot of things. You know the slavery we have discussed and things like that… and you.

_Trithorax_  
So?

_BlueBunny_  
So… he said to me – out of the blue – that he wanted me and wanted me to come in his mouth… I dunno… all kinds of crap like that… and he got me completely off balance. I didn't know what to say.

_Trithorax_  
Sicko… :(

_BlueBunny_  
Yeah, but when he started kissing me… I completely lost myself. I mean… I don't know what I mean... let's drop it.

_Trithorax_  
He kissed you?!

BlueBunny  
Yes. sighs

_Trithorax_  
You don't sound very regretful.

_BlueBunny_  
I am ashamed to say that I am not.

_Trithorax_  
Why? I don't get it. That's sort of harassment, isn't it?

_BlueBunny_  
Yes it is, but the thing is when I felt his touch on my skin, I wanted more. I haven't felt closeness in a long time and even if it was such a repulsive gesture, I was still hungering for it. It was all so confusing, for he treated me like shit. He humiliated me in public and all I could think of was how much I'd like to strike him dead just there and then. And when his mouth was close to mine all I could think of was kissing him.

_Trithorax_  
Hey Bunny, tell me what you feel about your boss. I mean really. It is quite obvious to me that you feel something for him.

_BlueBunny_  
I don't know if it is worth thinking about it.  
_  
Trithorax_  
Why not? Just tell me. How often do you think about him?

_Trithorax_  
Bunny?  
_  
Trithorax_  
B? C'mon…tell me.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Too often.

_Trithorax_  
Every day?

_BlueBunny_  
Almost…

_Trithorax_  
Fantasies?

_BlueBunny_  
Yes… sometimes.

_Trithorax_  
What kinds of fantasies?

_BlueBunny_  
Are there that many different kinds?  
_  
Trithorax_  
Bunny, don't be such a hard nut to crack. I am sincerely asking becuase I care… please?

_BlueBunny_  
All right. Once I went into his office when he was feeling sick. He had been in a foul mood all day and was feeling really bad. I think he even had a fever. How often does that happen to a Blondie? I helped him to the couch where he fell asleep. I leaned over to check his temperature and when I breathed his scent so close, I just wanted to take advantage of him… lying there all weak and exhausted. I could have forced myself on him and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I did. I know for sure he wouldn't have hurt me, but I don't know in what way he would have rejected me… or IF he would have done so. He was so knackered. His chest was covered with sweat, he even had those tiny pearls of water under his nose. He looked really cute then :)

_Trithorax_  
Cute? How can a Blondie be considered cute?

_BlueBunny_  
Don't ask me, but he looked like something from another world. Right then and there he was as fragile as any mongrel, yet still so tremendously beautiful. He seemed very serene and had a soft expression on his face I've never seen before.

_Trithorax_  
Soft? Blondies are never soft… they are callous, eager to destroy, they are deceptive and cruel… how can you consider addressing such an animal with the word soft?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Tri, Are you jealous?  
_  
Trithorax_  
Maybe… yeah a little.

_BlueBunny_  
Why?

_Trithorax_  
How often do you think of me?

_BlueBunny_  
You? Baby, that's every day… for sure.

_Trithorax_  
Fantasies?

_BlueBunny_  
Always. :)

_Trithorax_  
For sure…

_BlueBunny_  
Yes…

_Trithorax_  
How come?

_BlueBunny_  
Because, Tri, I haven't had anyone for a long time. I had a one-night stand a few months ago, but before that, it's been years. I don't know your face, but I feel for the person I am talking to. I haven't seen my boss' body, but I've seen yours and it's more than I could ever ask for. Listen Tri. I am very attracted to you, but we can never be together… even if I wanted you to be my lover. I am better off alone.

_Trithorax_  
That's sad… why?

_BlueBunny_  
Because I chose it.

_Trithorax_  
No you didn't. I can read it through your words. Why would you long for it to such an extent that you even accept the abusive hands of your boss as long as he gives you an occasional soft touch?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Hey Tri? What will happen if we meet?

_Trithorax_  
What do you mean?

_BlueBunny_  
Oh come on, Tri. I have been watching you pleasuring yourself for me. You've been telling me all those erotic fantasies you've had about me. I want to touch you, and most of all for you to touch me, but I can't let you do that. There are some things I can't show you. Things that would be too difficult for me to tell and for you to understand. So we will just run into a frustrating dead end and perhaps you should find someone else to be with… someone real. I am just the freaking guy on the other side of the screen telling you how or when to release, but other than that I am dead.  
_  
Trithorax_  
Bunny, what are you talking about? You want to end our friendship?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Maybe… yes…

_Trithorax_  
NO! Please don't...

_Trithorax_  
B? Please don't. You can't do this to me. Please.

_Trithorax_  
B? Please!

_Trithorax_  
WHY WONT YOU TALK TO ME, YOU BASTARD? I don't deserve this. I trusted you more than you trusted me. At least tell me why. YOU OWE ME THAT MUCH!!!

_BlueBunny_  
Because you can't get anything out of me, Tri! NOTHING! We can never get close. You want to waste time on a role-play? Time that you could put to better use by meeting someone real?

_Trithorax_  
This is real to me Bunny! Why can't you just accept that? I like posing for you, I enjoy knowing you are watching me. It's the only time I can be who I really am. Look, I come home every night and the first thing I do is to turn on the computer to see if you are on. And when I am at work and you send me an email or two, I feel alive. Bunny, please, you are important to me… you are under my skin and I think that I am falling for you… please stay. Please!

_BlueBunny_  
Oh, come on Tri! You've never even seen my face.

_Trithorax_  
I don't care! I feel good, doesn't that matter?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
But I DO care, for I DON'T feel good about this. I feel like shit! Can't you understand? I have the most beautiful, desirable object to look at every night but it's something completely out of reach for me. I can never reach gratification, just yearn and long… doesn't that matter?!

_Trithorax_  
What are you talking about, B? …are you… impotent?

_BlueBunny_  
Ha! Don't make me laugh… try eunuch, Tri! I'm ing neutered, except that I have my testicles… but the rest is gone. I can never have sex, and I hate being the receiver all the time!

_Trithorax_  
…

_BlueBunny_  
Well, Tri, you wanted to know… at least you could say something.

_Trithorax_  
I am so sorry, B… I don't know what to say. I am sorry.

_BlueBunny_  
What else is there to say? They cut it off. I still remember what it was like looking at it… all bloody as it lay in that silver, sterile tray. It took a while, but then it started turning blue, spotted… decaying. I didn't feel anything. Not then. Neither emotionally nor physically, but eventually the pain did come. However, the emotional one was worse than the physical. It took a long time, but I got used to it.

_Trithorax_  
Why? Why would you let them deprive you of something like that? And who are they?

_BlueBunny_  
They are the medical unit at the Pet Academy. And at that time it seemed like a good choice to escape the gutter. I was 14, ambitious, and willing to give more than the others, to become wealthy. And I succeeded.

_Trithorax_  
Was it worth it?

_BlueBunny_  
It was, for many years… but now… I am not so sure.

_Trithorax_  
I am sorry. Can't you have reconstructive surgery?

_BlueBunny_  
Not unless approved by a Blondie.

_Trithorax_  
Why?

_BlueBunny_  
Sighs Because, this was done to me so that I can work for them, to protect them and their Pets. My Lord died a while back, and I would need to come close enough to another for them to recommend me for a Pet. No one would agree to reconstruct a eunuch just for the fun of it and I am too old to be a Pet. No one wants me.

_Trithorax_  
So, whom did you work for as a eunuch and what tasks did you do?

_BlueBunny_  
Let's not talk about it. Please, I'd just rather forget the past. It's not something I want to deal with.

_Trithorax_  
All right. I understand. Let' talk about the conference you are going to then. How will we meet?

_BlueBunny_  
Like I said, it's not even certain he will let me go after today's display.

_Trithorax_  
Look, if you are THAT important for his little project, then I am quite sure you will. I mean it would be crazy not to bring you along if you are the only one understanding the programming part.

_BlueBunny_  
Maybe…

_Trithorax_  
Bunny?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
What?

_Trithorax_  
For what it's worth, you make ME wanna be a better person… and I admire your endurance despite the fact that everything crumbles around you. I wish I could be like you. I really do.

_Trithorax_  
Bunny?

_Trithorax_  
Are you still on?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Say that again… please?

_Trithorax_  
What?

_BlueBunny_  
Say that again, what you've just said… that part about a better person… please  
_  
Trithorax_  
You make me wanna be a better person.

_BlueBunny_  
God… no-one has ever said that to me. Nothing even close to it. I am lost for words… thank you.

_Trithorax_  
You are welcome, my ruby-rabbit ;)  
_  
BlueBunny_  
smiles Speaking of rabbits, my flat mates are at it again.

_Trithorax_  
At what?

_BlueBunny_  
Oh don't be silly, Tri… they are screwing like little bunnies. They are loud as heck. The guy who has his room just above mine has his pairing partner visiting and he can't keep his mouth shut or even lower his voice a little when he is close. You can hear the bedpost banging to the rhythm of his 'Ah', 'Uh', 'Oh', 'Yes… yes… oh, ah, aaahhh, aaaaaahhhhhh, aaAAhhh, AAHHH'… etc

_Trithorax_  
laughing At least you are entertained, I am here alone… :D

_BlueBunny_  
Not for long…

_Trithorax_  
What do you mean?

_BlueBunny_  
I'm coming to the conference.

_Trithorax_  
YES:D/

_BlueBunny_  
Look, I have to get going now. It's really late. I'll talk to my boss tomorrow and then we'll have to make arrangements on how to meet.

_Trithorax_  
Sure… :D Will I see you tomorrow, or rather later on tonight?

_BlueBunny_  
Um… actually no. I have some things I need to do, but I'll write you an email.

_Trithorax_  
Oh… sure no problem. Can I ask what your "things" are that are so important?

_BlueBunny_  
I've started checking up on some things you told me about the Pet trafficking. I have some meetings with some people I used to know in Ceres. I want to get to the bottom of things. It's been bugging me since I spoke to you about it.  
_  
Trithorax_  
What? Why… and most importantly how come you know people in Ceres?

_BlueBunny_  
Not this time Tri. I might tell you some day, but not this time. Just trust me on this one. Now I really need to go…

_Trithorax_  
I do trust you ruby-rabbit. ;)

_BlueBunny_  
Oh, is that my new nick now?

_Trithorax_  
I told you I am a sucker for redheads. Now go to bed and I'll see you when I see you.

_BlueBunny_  
Good night to you too, Tri…  
_  
Trithorax_  
Hey Bunny?

_BlueBunny_  
You have problems just hanging up don't you? smiles What is it?

_Trithorax_  
I like you a lot… I really do.

_BlueBunny_  
I think I feel the same, Tri. Crazy, huh?

_Trithorax_  
Yeah. It's a crazy world. Good night

_Trithorax logged off 346: 01'35. Magellan Firewall closes portal IGBHL-3682-9932._

_BlueBunny logged off 346: 01'36. Magellan Firewall closes portal KJNDB-897349-493._

Well, Artemisia. What do you have to say about today's chat? Trithorax claims he likes me. No, no… that sounded so flat. No, he… he said that "You make me wanna be a better person". Can anyone say anything more beautiful then that? Of all the things I ever wanted to hear – he is the first one to say something like that to me. I could almost hear his voice through the screen although I don't know what he sounds like. Maybe I am drunk and that's why I am so emotional. I don't know, but I would like to hear that live. I wonder what his voice would have sounded like saying that to me. Can a eunuch like me actually awaken some feelings inside someone else? I mean, he doesn't even know what I look like. How can he say that?


	17. Traitorous Blondie

**TRAITOROUS BLONDIE: 4693-346**

**§§ **

Lunch time and I took you with me to at least write a few rows. I am tired as hell. I went to bed after speaking to Trithorax but I couldn't sleep. I kept on thinking about what he said; "you make me wanna be a better person."  
I emptied a glass of Amber whisky. I hate it, but it helped to keep the demons away. Raoul was there again, visiting me when I least needed it. Not in my room as such but there… in my head, in my mind, in my body.  
I am so ashamed to say it, but that very thing Trithorax told me, I wanted to hear it so badly from Raoul. I am such a terrible person. A fraud and a liar. A deceitful nobody. Someone opens their heart to me and I dream about another person divulging his feelings in that very same way. How can I be this way? What turned me into this monster?

The canteen is serving Veal Provencal with roast fresh potatoes in jacket and garlic white-wine sauce. The vegetables are also wonderful, and though I've never been a big fan of brussel sprouts, Raoul has taught me to eat it in his way – with a spread of butter and lemon juice. It's delicious… and speaking of the Devil. Guess who is approaching my table. Shit. Got to put you aside for a little while. Will write some more later.

IDIOT!!!  
I've taken the rest of the day off. Raoul had lunch with me and strangely, he was ever so kind and timid. He showered me with his usual charm and smiled flirtatiously like a silly teenager. He even got as far as to apologize for yesterday's display. IDIOT! I don't believe it! I know him better then this Artemisia. He is PLAYING! How often does a Blondie apologize, and what does it mean? Is his apology just the calm before the storm? Smiling at one point whilst planning on how to slit my throat the fastest and least messy way. He has offered me a top suite of my own at the Royal Star. Ha! Not even Iason, who at occasions actually cared for me, did ever offer me such exquisite perks just to encourage me to share my competence in an area I mastered to a greater extent. He is playing. I am not even sure he really wants me to go. I won't hold my breath for it.

Mark my words, Raoul is not a fool. He tries to make me relax, thinking he is more common and lenient in his ways, but he is a Blondie for crying out loud! Does he think I can't see that?! Raoul is playing a game and I want to know what and why!

He did say something that caught my attention today. As we were finishing our lunch with a double hit espresso, Raoul approached once again the subject of Ceres, explaining he was sorry about accusing me for starting up my old business again.

"…but you have to understand Katze, that unlike Iason who was a politician and could talk his way out of things, I am closely associated with Pet breeding and genetic restructuring. I cannot have my name associated with the Black Market, for it will tear down the entire company and the losses will be monumental. An economic disaster. There are ways to tarnish a name. Iason clung onto Riki and it dragged him down to the bottom of Ceres. I cannot let that happen. Far too many lives depend on me remaining at my position."

"So did Iason's position. He was the ruler, Raoul. Remember? He had more subordinates than you'll ever have, so don't try to convince me that your burden is heavier than what he had to endure."

I had started smoking heavily again. Raoul noticed it and took the packet from the table; demonstratively placing it in his pocket. He went completely silent at my crude approach, but I kept on pretending I was indifferent to his efforts to be nearer to me.

"True." Raoul sighed and brushed his fringe aside, guiding the right part of it behind his ear to keep his eyes clear as he took me into view. "But Iason's subordinates were not the innocent, Katze. Isn't it about time you stopped being a hypocrite?"

I was dumbfounded, but the more I spoke to him, the more that old part of me from the past awakened and overshadows this weak persona I had developed.

"Do enlighten me." I huffed as I pushed the gray, thick smoke out of my lungs.

"If it hadn't been for you and Iason, the Black Market wouldn't have grown as strong it once was." Raoul spat with an angry smile. "The Market was your own little back garden and you kept it clean from all the weeds that wanted to thrive on your business. Then your little Iason betrayed you through his yearning for a lowlife mongrel that led him to his creator a lot sooner than expected."

I could see Raoul almost choking on his words as he took Iason's name into his mouth, but he carried on with great courage. That fool!

"You didn't leave Amoi solely because you were sad… Fuck those lies Katze. You left for there was no one to hold your back if something went wrong and let's face it, a business like yours is all about chance. It WILL go wrong sooner or later. That's the nature of these kind of shady affairs. So when Jupiter cleared up everything that could cast a shadow over Iason's name, you took the chance to escape. Iason was dead, your name would be cleared from any associations with him and thereby the Black Market and with all those benefits and a fat bank account, you could start up a new life."

I remained silent, but my eyes were burning with hatred. I could sense the heat radiating from my cheeks. I blushed with anger and Raoul played on.

"Oh, don't think I was too stupid to understand that, Katze. I could have brought you before justice, but I chose not to."

"So I am supposed to be grateful?" I asked.

"No, but I do ask you NOT to start up anything again. I will not clear you back like Iason did. I don't want anything to do with the Black Market. Is that quite clear?"

"Crystal."

I may not have my old business, but I sure as hell have not lost my ability to dig up information. I will get under his skin if necessary, but I will NOT be taken for a fool. If Raoul has a secret, I will find it!

But, I have to be frank about something. Raoul Am is smart. Too smart even. He was superior at that even compared to Iason, but Raoul lacked charisma and leadership skills. However, I am quite sure that when angered or threatened in any way, Raoul can be just as ruthless as my former boss. After all, he did dispose of the rebels at Iason's assassination attempt as if the life of those people didn't mean anything. Setting them up and having them executed through a shoot-out didn't even taint the pleasant dreams Raoul had that night.

I am sitting at the Café. People are all around me going about their own business. Some are sitting alone like me, but I am the only one with a laptop. Others are chatting with actual people (don't take offense, my love). I hear the coffee machine screaming in the background as it fills one cup after the other. People are standing in line, others looking for a seat.

I bought a huge cup of café latte and although it is already cold, I keep on sipping to wash down each bite of my passion cake.

I am waiting for Papa Downs to call me. My mobile is on standby. We have agreed to meet at more conventional places then the murky streets of Ceres not to awaken too many suspicions. I am still puzzled by how Raoul found out about me roaming Ceres. I have to be more careful.

Phone ringing…

All right, my love. I have to meet Papa in fifteen minutes at the Deben harbor at the floating city outside Ceres. Talk to you later.

* * *


	18. Nightmares

**NIGHTMARES: 4693-349**

**§§ **

Three days since I wrote, Artemisia. I am feeding off cigarettes, booze and nightmares. I met with Papa Downs the other day and we went to the Deben harbor. Instead of the meeting, he wanted to show me something. I have was told that there had been a deal going down with twenty-five beautiful virgins, all inseminated and gravid. The pod never reached its destination.

The Deben harbor has been closed down for thirteen months due to nuclear fuel contamination from a cargo ship that had crash landed during a busy day. The harbor was dark and abandoned and waste of all sorts was scattered over the area as if nobody had bothered to even start cleaning up after the accident. It was not entirely true though. The harbor has been cleaned up and all was restored and in order, but since the area was under dimensioned for the required traffic, which is why the accident occurred, it was decided to shut the harbor down until further notice. Homeless people, addicts and the scum of Ceres had since then found a refuge there – refurbishing the area according to their less exquisite taste and sense of order. The cargo bays served as simple homes for hundreds of people, waste bins set on fire were keeping the heat during cool nights, and conflicts were solved without the interference of the law. It was amazing how fast an abandoned, tiny island could be transformed into a living organism. Deben was situated as an artificial island between the mainland and the floating city, connecting the two with underwater channels. The channels were now flooded and shut down. Deben had thereby become isolated in the middle of nowhere and the only movement to and from the harbor was through occasional freight ships passing by. We arrived there on one of these ships and as we stepped on land a handful of worried youngsters in shabby clothes guided us to berth 47gh05.

The hinges on the metal door were rusty and screeched with a high pitch grating sound as the electronic locks were overridden and the heavy door opened. The stench was unbearable, but the sight that hit against us was far beyond what eyes should bear. The bodies were piled on top of each other in the farthest corner of the hangar. The shelter was big enough to unload an entire cargo ship, yet the stench was crowding inside to the extent that it made the air seem so dense and thick.

Twenty-one girls and four boys were bloating and through the cracks in their stretched skin, the putrid body fluid was oozing over the mountain of flesh. Distorted faces and collapsed eyes were staring into the void, whilst frozen limbs were reaching out for the living in a desperate plea to give them a more dignified rest.

Papa Downs took a deep breath through his handkerchief, shaking his head as he leaned over a young girl who was past her bloating stage. Her head hung backwards, mouth wide open as if her final scream had frozen in her countenance. She was still screaming, and would remain so as long I'll keep on dreaming about her.

The authorities were there within an hour and removed the bodies. The hangar was cleaned and all traces of the dead were washed away. By the way this issue was handled, it was evident that the authorities acted on routine. I knew this was not the first time this had happened. Trithorax told me about it and so did Papa Downs, but seeing it with my own eyes was wrecking.

I can still see her face. It was all blackened and distorted. I still don't know her name. I guess I don't want to either.

* * *

**SEASON'S CHANGING: 4693-354**

**§§ **

Temperature is dropping along with my patience. I came home today – tired and feeling grumpy. And guess what Artemisia, all the damn dishes are used up and not washed. In other words, in order to cook something I had to start doing the dishes. It made me furious and I nearly threw all the dishes out. I managed to calm a little and lit a cigarette. My flatmate, Innes came running down nagging and waving with his arms, complaining about the stench of the cigarette. I was about to give in to the urge of twisting his arm off and throwing him out through the window, when I came to my senses. I guess Innes must have seen the anger in me, for he quickly calmed and backed away towards the kitchen sink – placing everything in the washer.

I threw the cigarette butt in the sink just before I left the kitchen and came into my room. I felt his stinging gaze in the back of my neck, but I knew, that as the oldest in the flat, they wouldn't dare to challenge me. Pesky kids….

So here am I now, locked inside my room. Whining for you I guess. I don't want to see them today. I am tired of these irresponsible guys. I'll order some food and turn you off for tonight. I am so tired. I can't sleep well.

My mind is full of thoughts. Thoughts on those unfortunate Pets, the trafficking, Trithorax and on Raoul. I have started to believe, Artemisia, that these things are the very core of my life. All the things my life circles around. I can't think of anything else.

I am thankful for my room. Solitude. I know, I know what you are thinking, my lovely Artemisia. I asked for this. I had solitude in Raoul's apartment, but I left it to be surrounded by people. I didn't want to be alone and now all I wish for it to be left alone. I am tired of having to adjust, but it is also something I need. Damn it, Artemisia! My whole life seems to be nothing but contradictions. Where will it all end?

* * *

**CURLY - A BREATH OF FRESH AIR: 4693-356**

**§§ **

I was early in today. Raoul was already there. I don't understand – doesn't he ever sleep? The office room was dark, but I could see the light from his computer breaking through the tinted glass. I sat down next to my computer and turned it on. I didn't turn on the lights, but he still noticed me. I don't know how. I just heard his voice calling me. I stepped into his room and I know the surprise must have radiated off my face like plutonium. Raoul looked at me with a smile and shook his head as he noticed my stiff expression.

"Don't you like it?" He asked and stood up from behind his desk. With a snap with his fingers the lights in his entire office was switched on, and he approached me with a beam. He swirled around, putting his new looks on show like a model on a catwalk. It was amusing, and actually very playful. He had actually cut his hair! I couldn't and still can't believe it! It reached to his shoulders, and he was right; the loss of weight brought out the lovely curls in his hair. I regained composure not too seem too blunt or even touched by the very fact that he had taken notice of what I've said weeks ago. All right, Artemisia, I was as cold as ice, only acknowledging his initiative with a snorted smile and a slight nod, but here is the truth.

Confession time. /…/ Something I haven't really taking the time to notice before, is the fact that Raoul has lovely highlights of copper in his hair. I saw it clearly now as the corkscrew curls framed his pale complexion and brought out his eyes as a complementary color to his hair. These lovely curls also quenched the harshness of his frozen eyes, when he was serious. I just couldn't imagine him as harsh as before. He was a real darling, and I somehow wanted him to be MY darling. God, what am I saying… /…/ End of freaking confession.

He dug his fingers through his characteristic fringe and asked if I wanted share a drink with him.

"A cognac this early in the morning?" I asked.

He giggled. "Let's break traditions and do something crazy for a change. Don't tell anyone."

There it was again, Artemisia. I am so freaking confused! Why is he like this? One day, he is threatening me and sending chills down my spine, and the next, he is so charming that I am losing control of my own feelings. He approached me with a glass of that expensive drink and asked me to join him in the sofa. Sigh He smelled so good. He wore his usual Eau de Cologne of Gaiac wood and a fragrance based on a fresh lavender and amber harmony bringing out the captivating power of seduction of the man who wears it. And Raoul was seductive indeed. I sat next to him, wanting to drink more out of him rather then that exquisite drink. I scanned Raoul from top to bottom and a traitorous flash of his hands on my head just washed over my mind. (You can see how crazy I am becoming, Artemisia. Wasn't I the one who always claimed hating going down on another guy? But read too much into this – I am not attracted to him. I am just confused.)

He had his Nehru collar shirt buttoned all the way up and a slimmed vest that reached him to the middle of the thighs. It was the latest design and brought out his magnificent physique. I like fashion too, and I do appreciate people who make an effort to look good. Although a mongrel, being with Iason has taught me that clothes and fashion alone can get you quite far, even if your hair is dark. Well, it is expected from a Blondie to be thoroughly updated on beauty, but the truth is Raoul has always been quite fashion-conscious.

"So how was your weekend?" Raoul asked, leaning casually into the embrace of the sofa, crossing his legs like a typical aristocrat. I know I smiled a little in return, but drowned that smile quickly in the Cognac. I didn't want to seem interested in his kindness. I hated Raoul's mood change and I didn't want to give him the impression that I had forgotten about his threats.

All in all, how was I supposed to summarize my weekend? How was I supposed to tell him that, despite his threats, I had gone right against his request and become more involved in the matters of the Black Market? How was I to tell him that I had rejoined with old acquaintances to find the source to this new trading?

"It was all right. I took it fairly easy. You?"

Raoul told me about his weekend at work. He had only been out of office for a short while to cut his hair, ending his quick summary with the question; "So how does it look?"

"You look cute, Raoul."

Raoul threw his head back sighing; "By Jupiter's grace, don't say that word!"

I smiled; "What's wrong?"

"That's the very same thing people used to tell me at the Academy. Kawai, of all things!"

I laughed; "So THAT's what it means. Well, take it as a compliment."

"Ha!" He interrupted me. "A compliment would be someone actually doing something about me being cute, rather than just talking. Just walking up to me and …"

He stopped. There was an awkward silence between us. I didn't want to hear his confessions of loneliness. I knew that was what he was referring to. But at the same time, I welcomed hearing how vulnerable he was. Just as I was getting comfortable in Raoul not going soft anymore, he threw in; "I miss having someone. You know that us Blondies are not supposed to engage in anything sexual, but sometimes the urges grow strong. I have managed to suppress that a long time, but…"

He looked into his glass and swirled the amber colored drink as he continued.

"Do you have anyone, Katze?"

I felt like rolling my eyes, wordlessly announcing his piteous appearance, but I refrained from being rude. Let's maintain some dignity at least.

"No."

Raoul cast a look at me, but didn't inquire any further. He nodded and finished his drink, changing subject and focusing on the program.

"It's going fine, Raoul, but I need more time. I've run into some obstacles."

If I am not mistaking he seemed rather content with knowing I was delayed with the project. Why? It will just cost him more money. We ended our conversation there. Our glasses were empty and people were starting drop in to the office.

Home – annoyed. Well, not really, I am just disappointed. Trithorax has not been on. I met with Cypher and X-breed. We talked about programming for hours, but then I got tired and bored and signed off.

Your battery down to 25. Will re-charge your battery over night. Turning you off now. Good night, Artemisia.


	19. Room 407

**Room 407: 4693-369**

**§§**

I am hungry, Artemisia, yet I feel sick to my stomach and can't concentrate on anything. Papa Downs contacted me today. I got a personal message via the chat room. At least now I know that X-breed is involved somehow. He hadn't told me how and why, besides those discussions have no forum at work. I am nervous and I fear something. I don't know what as yet, but my thoughts are killing me. I am not making much sense to you, I know. Just let me sort out my thoughts.

I met with Papa after work. A cab was waiting for me as I stepped out of the office. It was a blue-cab; the only ones operating in Ceres. I was praying Raoul wouldn't see me. We drove past the block where Riki used to live, past the demolished remains of Dana Burn. The old rebel refuge had become a demolition site and new apartments were taking form. My stomach turned and I remembered Iason Mink. My heart skipped a few beats and I felt intense panic taking hold of me. I urged the driver to step on it. I couldn't bear to see that area. That swift moment past Dana Burn ruined my whole evening – and the worst was still to come.

I was dropped off at an abandoned warehouse, which was used as a club for deviant behavior. The club was silent – too early for the creatures of the night to roam and feast on each others erotic preferences. It was abandoned. Well, at least that's what it looked like from the outside. Papa Downs was waiting outside. He was soaking up the last faint rays of the setting sun. Not that it made any difference, for the change of season has brought the cool air over Tanagura. I don't know if it is symbolic or not, but the cold is starting to creep inside my life too.

The warehouse was enormous and our immediate journey took us about four floors beneath ground. The elevator door opened to a connective hall, which was lined with doors to rooms that were most likely used as little dens of iniquity when the club was alive. We stopped at room 407… and the nightmare was upon me again. This was an empty room, apart from the sterile bed of metal in the middle of it, and the people surrounding the decaying pile of flesh.

I have never been sensitive to facing the dead. The gods know I have seen many through my time as a trafficking lord, but this wasn't fair. I stepped closer to the girl. I recognized her from before; the blackened face, the open mouth, the collapsed eyeballs, the stench, the broken skin and the oozing body fluids. They had stolen the body. I didn't ask how. I know that Papa has connections within the law that can give him access to sensitive information that not even higher ranked officers had the slightest inkling about. Thus a stolen body of a discarded Pet was among the easiest things to accomplish. She had been opened up and an illegal autopsy had been performed on the body.

"She is just a drop in the sea, Katze." He blew out the smoke from his cigarette and offered me one. For the first time, I declined. "All right. Kazte, we need your help. There is someone I'd like for you to meet."

Through instructions via a curt nod, one of the faceless people around the autopsy table started up a laptop. The man's fingers tapped over the keyboard and after a few seconds he turned the computer towards me. It was an open communication program. I looked at Papa Downs and then back at the computer. Papa started talking.

"Are you there?"

"Yes."

It was X-breed. I recognized the avatar of a hermaphrodite with a tiger's head. The avatar was odd and kind of sick in its way, but at that time, at that location and in that situation it fitted right in.

"BlueBunny is here, X, so we shall get down to business."

"I'm all ears."

Papa Downs filled us in: "This was the twelfth disposed cargo. Twenty-five lives were ended this time, but apart from these mass graves, unfortunate accidents involving our young men and girls, have become far too common. Now, our autopsies have shown again that these girls have been inseminated, and apart from that, they have no history of sickness or disease. Top class Pets, bred and used for the purpose of the Blondies. Ceres is being vacuumed for young girls and boys, our youngsters, to be taken to Pet academies for proper training. But now, the top layer of society has grown bored and is looking for new and improved toys. The authorities were notified of this shipment a few weeks ago, after which it mysteriously disappeared. We salvaged this body from being destroyed like the rest have been. We owe this to X-breed. He told us that all bodies, found by authorities, have been destroyed without proper examination of the girls. I think X, that you are more suitable to fill us in on the rest."

By this time, I was getting extremely nervous. I was shaking inside, but I was determined not to show anything.

X-breed said: "Rumors said quite early, when these events started appearing, that the fetuses are implanted at facilities that have the capacity for extensive human research. After all, these Pets are heavily guarded and looked after and regular health checkups are preformed at facilities where sicknesses and flaws can be corrected as they appear. Genetic material has to be implanted where there is access to it, and the only place we know of is…"

And this is where I lost my breath, Artemisia. I was robbed of all my strength and the world started spinning.

"…the facility targeted is the Tanagura Biochemical Centre. Mail traffic as well as under cover officers have been trying to infiltrate the organization. So far nothing unusual has been found…."

Mail traffic. It suddenly hit me; Raoul bypassing the internal network to separately communicate with a beacon without risking to be detected. Oh, how stupid I had been. He played me and I fell for the bullshit he fed me with. What if Raoul was not homing in on a beacon? What if Raoul WAS the beacon? No! It had to be a lie. I felt so bad Artemisia. He wasn't even proven to be guilty and I was already condemning him. X-breed kept on talking over the computer but parts of what he said were lost due to the intensive battle raging in my head. After a while, I managed to gather my thoughts and focus on what he was saying.

"…Raoul Am has a spotless past. Never a single mistake that could hold him in a trial. We do know, however, that he did play a role in beating down the assassination attempt on Iason Mink. The rebels killed that night had a close alignment to Hazall who is the Trade Representative of the Federal Government. However, after the failed attempt, Hazall cleared all connections to Ceres rebels and reestablished his support for the fruitful business of trading Pets. So after working with the mongrel, he suddenly turned to trading them. It was all done in the dark, but he had help… from the inside. From someone close to the Blondies. Isn't it right, BlueBunny?"

I felt their stare and the world started spinning. Thank Jupiter for my training in Ceres, for the harsh life I lived, the coldness in my heart and my unrelenting spirit. It all helped me to maintain poise. I was cold inside. Dead – just like the girl on the table. I told them everything.

"Yes. Iason's motto was 'Today's asshole is tomorrow's senior partner'. He hated Hazall, but the old man was a big name in the Federal Government and for Amoi to be able to continue with its lifeline of export and import, Hazall needed to be kept content. Let's say he had an odd taste for young boys, which he liked to place in shackles. He was a sick sadist and I am sorry he survived Iason. Lord Mink was posing a threat for he had found alternative routes for trading, which placed Hazall in the shadows of his competitors. There were plenty of newcomers ready to discard the old bastard, but he was polished... not a fool. I don't know if he was in on Iason's assassination attempt, I wouldn't be surprised if he was, but it was his men who took the rebels out. He buried the hatchet with Iason and wanted in on the trafficking business, for there was plenty of money to be made there. Not only on Amoi. He sent huge cargoes to MKZR-67 system. We also received quite many Pets from there too. I was running the business… so I know. If Iason hadn't have died, I don't know where it all would have ended, but I am quite sure, he would've never allowed it to go this far."

"How do you know that?" X-breed asked.

"Because I have worked for Iason Mink since I was fifteen. I knew him, I knew Riki and I know Raoul Am."

"Which is why we need your help, Katze." Papa Downs stepped in. "Look, forget Hazall, his been laying low since the death of Iason Mink. Raoul Am, on the other hand, has one of the most talented biochemists at his disposal. His name is Dr Hannoh and they used to have a very tight collaboration many years ago when they did some groundbreaking research on tissue regeneration on the Borjia creatures. They have the most complex physiological constitution known to man. Anyway, we know that Raoul Am has taken up contact with Dr Hannoh and suspect that they are performing alterations on the Pets before they are traded through channels."

"What channels?" I asked, but Papa just shook his head saying they have not yet spotted the main distributor yet.

I was skeptical, but Papa counteracted my antagonistic feelings as he explained that they were building a case against Raoul Am and Dr Hannoh, but they needed evidence. As a former dealer, I was the perfect mole for both sides – for the provider and for the dealer. I was to spy on Raoul and get inside his business. I wasn't feeling good about this at all.

"You are asking a lot here. And if I refuse?"

A stupid question I shouldn't have asked.

"You are a former trafficking Lord, Katze." Papa said with a sad expression. "Times have changed and we have to join forces to put a stop to this. If you won't help, your past will catch up with you and you'd be put away. The authorities don't have much on you since the death of Lord Mink, but I am a witness and former business partner of yours. I can and under these circumstances I WILL testify against you if needed. Please, Kazte. Let's not think about what could be… let's focus on what is now and cooperate. What do you say?"

I was caught. I had no choice. I knew what they wanted from me; proof of whether the embryo in the girl was implanted at Raoul's facility. They wanted to know if the embryo carried the typical genetic trademark of Jupiter in the cells.

I knew what I had to do in order to find out her origin, but somehow it sent a shiver down my spine. However, it had to be done. I took out my folding knife and opened it with a flick of the wrist. Papa Downs looked at me and with a slight nod, he stepped aside, giving me room to cut a bit of the girl's flesh off her shoulder. I placed it in a small tube they handed me and sealed it. If she had ever been treated at Raoul's facility, I would know. Her code would be in the database. In addition, Papa Downs handed me a second tube, containing a small sample of the unborn. If all things were correct, and he was a true Blondie, then he would carry the trademark of Jupiter.

I on the other hand… I am carrying the trademark of a TRAITOR.


	20. Point of View

**POINT OF VIEW: 4693-375**

**§§**

Raoul is as radiant as ever. His new hairstyle is a compliment to his appearance and I feel like filth each time he smiles at me and I nod in return as if it was just another normal day. I am the parasite in his body and he doesn't even know it yet.

I have been taking a small trip into the lab area today. Haven't done it since he dragged me in there to check up on some cultured cells. I don't even know whom to ask for a genetic sequence analysis. I can do the computer sequencing but the work-up procedure, the isolation of DNA has to be done by someone who knows how.

Stewart ran into me at the snack machine and that is when I met the next mole. He has been working at the institute at a much longer time then me. He stood close to me and snatched my candy bar before I could reach for it. As I turned to ask him to give it back he responded by saying; "I thought bunnies ate carrots."

Seconds after, we stood in the janitor's room and I presented him with my problem, at which he comforted me by taking the load off my shoulder. He claimed to know which laboratory personnel was on our side; another infiltrator. It seems like there were moles everywhere. I began to grasp the extent of this operation. Raoul was surrounded.

As agreed, I handed the samples over to Stewart after lunch. Tomorrow morning I will have the answer.

It has been three hours since I returned home. I am nervous and I have only five cigarettes left. The night will be long, and filled with abstinence. Raoul hasn't spoken to me today. He has been really busy; running in and out of meetings. Maybe just as well.

I am waiting for Trithorax. I was contacted by X-breed today, but I said I wasn't in the mood to talk to him. I also told him to keep the vultures off my back for a few days. I was in no mood to talk to anyone. I think he understood, for shortly thereafter he logged off the forum and left me alone to moderate it on my own. I have also come to the understanding that X-breed is working in the same building as I am. He is part of the IT-administration. The fact that we have run into each other was not chance. I have been of interest ever since I came back to Amoi and most things in the office are wired. They are ears dropping on everything. I feel I should in some way warn Raoul about all this. After all, he has never been a bad person, but at the same time, if he really is responsible for all this then he deserves to suffer the worst.

I am starting to get paranoid and had everything in my room and on you scanned. I wrote my own firewall and I know that is something not even X-breed can hack through. I am pretty sure you are secure. I have not seen any traces of you being hacked. I was even thinking about hooking you up on one of Jupiter's servers just to have you scanned, but I realized that would be like printing all this as headline news. No, I have to be careful. Not even she must know.

_BlueBunny logged on 375: 20'19. Magellan Firewall opens portal KJNDB-897349-493.  
Trithorax logged on 375: 21'33. Magellan Firewall opens portal IGBHL-3682-9932._

_BlueBunny_  
Oh, by all the gods I never thought you'd get on line tonight. I was so worried.  
_  
Trithorax_  
Hi, ruby-rabbit. What wrong? I saw the mails you sent. You sounded really in distress.

_BlueBunny_  
I feel so sick. I am so nervous.

_Trithorax_  
What's wrong?

_BlueBunny_  
I wish I could talk to you, but I don't know who to trust anymore.  
_  
Trithorax_  
Bunny, you now you can trust me! What's going on? You are making me nervous.

_BlueBunny_  
Please, don't ask. Just talk. Talk about anything. Just make me forget. Please…

_Trithorax_  
All right, Bunny. Um… I was at work. Didn't do much really. I wasn't so efficient. I went to the cemetery after work. It was peace and quiet. I chose not think about the world outside. I just watched the headstones. Listened to the few birds in those trees. I ate a few ice creams.

_BlueBunny_  
What flavour?

_Trithorax_  
Vanilla and coconut, then cucumber and coconut.

_BlueBunny_  
I love coconut too but cucumber? That's an odd taste. Gosh, you're a real health-freak...

_Trithorax_  
LOL. It's is rather fresh. You should try it.

_BlueBunny_  
All right. What else did you do?

_Trithorax_  
I was actually thinking about you.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
About me? What then?

_Trithorax_  
I was thinking about what your voice must sound like. I was thinking that if your hair is ruby red, do you also have a fiery temper? And considering what I know about your life with the roughness and being a eunuch… I was thinking if your voice is ever tender? I was thinking that I would like to hear it. But I know it is difficult for you to meet with my request, so I will not ask. We agreed on not voices and no face.

_BlueBunny_  
I don't know, Tri. I don't know if I can be tender. I don't know if I have ever been that.

_Trithorax_  
Any tender moments?

_BlueBunny_  
I can't remember…

_Trithorax_  
What about more recently?

_BlueBunny_  
I said I can't remember!

_Trithorax_  
Sorry, I'll shut up. I didn't mean to upset you.

_BlueBunny_  
You didn't. I'm sorry… really… I'm on edge. Let me think…

_BlueBunny_  
Months ago when my boss was sick and I felt his forehead. That was probably it… and when I got to see you naked for the first time. When I gained your trust…

_Trithorax_  
Yes, you did. It was a nice experience for me too.

_BlueBunny_  
Funny, you just made me realize something.

_Trithorax_  
What? Something good?

_BlueBunny_  
Yeah… I just realized you trust me don't you…

_Trithorax_  
Of course. Why?

_BlueBunny_  
Do you know how to keep secrets?

_Trithorax_  
What is burdening you, BB? This is so unlike you.

_BlueBunny_  
Do you trust me enough to meet with me even if you know the communication will be only one way?

_Trithorax_  
What are you asking?

_BlueBunny_  
Look, Tri. The past few days I have realized that those I thought meant nothing have a significant role in my life. I don't know who my friends are anymore. I don't know who to trust.

_Trithorax_  
What do you want me to do, BB?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Meet me at the cemetery in an hour.

_Trithorax_  
What? Are you for real?

_BlueBunny_  
I am asking only once, Tri.

_Trithorax_  
How will I recognize you?

_BlueBunny_  
I'll be sitting on a double bench, wearing a black hooded jumper. Several people know my nickname BlueBunny. But only you have called me something else.

_Trithorax_  
I understand. I'll see you there.

_Trithorax logged off 375: 21'65. Magellan Firewall closes portal IGBHL-3682-9932._

_BlueBunny logged off 375: 21'65. Magellan Firewall closes portal KJNDB-897349-493._

I know, Artemisia. How can I be such an idiot? And why this sudden desperation to trust someone? I have never done that, except for with Iason. I trusted Iason – he was a good man. I never trusted anyone else. Not even myself at times.

I have deleted this chat, so that no one will have access to it. From this day on, I will use a different communication channel with Trithorax.

I will set up my own forum that only he and I will know of. Well, it will all depend on whether I know he can be trusted or not.

I have only a twenty-minute drive to the cemetery, but I know Trithorax needs almost an hour to get there. I will start getting ready, and I don't know what will happen tonight. I just know I want someone to talk to. I don't know if I can trust Trithorax. I don't know if he is who he says he is. He could be just another person working for the police force and Papa Downs. Maybe not. I will meet with him. Try to get a feel for what he is like. Though I must admit, not knowing him has its benefits too. I can still see the face of that dead girl. I don't want it to be Trithorax. I don't want to be able to identify him if anything should happen. And I don't want him to mourn me either if my face appears on the news as the identity of another corpse.

I think it's better if I don't see his face at all. No matter. I can see a liar even when I am blindfolded. 


	21. Trithorax

**Trithorax: 4693-376**

I was out for a long time last night. From that bench in the cemetery, I even watched the sun rise. I didn't want to go to work today, but I had to. I didn't want to know the answer to what the engineer at the lab found. He had isolated the DNA and analyzed the sequence. I knew from my portable PDA that an email had been sent to my account. I knew it was the results. I just had to run it against the database, but I didn't want to know. I sat there until Raoul called me and asked for my presence at work.

The night had been long. I sat there in the damp chilliness, staring at the nameless headstone before me. I couldn't see the name for it had been eroded off. The paths between the graves were illuminated with lines of blue light. It was a futuristic touch to such an old graveyard. Nonetheless, it was calm and serene and I was so absorbed by my thoughts that I couldn't even hear Trithorax arriving. I just remember a soft voice ringing through the thick darkness, calling me: "Ruby-Rabbit?"

I remember smiling and nodding. I immediately told him I didn't want to see his face, and I also told him why. I heard through his trembling sigh that he was genuinely worried and was having second thoughts. I don't know what made him stay, but he did. We spoke four about an hour. Well, I spoke and he listened. I refrained from using any names, whether it was that of Raoul, X-breed, Papa or the other moles at work. I was speaking in third persons only. I even avoided mentioning the names of streets, companies and institutions involved.

I told him frankly that in this web of liars and players, I was the spider – the worst of them all. I was playing everyone.  
Trithorax then posed the only one question he asked the entire evening; whom did I feel for the most? My answer came spontaneously in a flicker of a second, and it dumbfounded me to the extent to where I remained silent for the rest of the day. You are the first I am talking to today. My answer to Trithorax was; "You."

He then touched my shoulder and I raised my hand to feel the warmth radiating from his skin. I held his hand throughout the night and we said nothing. As the sun rose over the horizon, I let his hand go and he left me there.

An hour later, I was at work. I ran into Raoul on my way to the men's room. He flashed me with a smile and I responded with a genuine smile. I think it caught his attention. He asked me if I was in a good mood today. Well, I wasn't but Trithorax had made me feel a spark of hope. As a response I placed a hand on Raoul's shoulder and gave him a friendly pat whilst I nodded.

* * *

**CATTAAAG: 4693-377**

**§§  
**

From that piece of flesh from the dead girl and her unborn, which I sneaked into Raoul's lab and had tested, I did find out that she was fourteen years old, pregnant and the most horrific discovery of them all… on her son's telomere sequence on chromosome 12, Jupiter's trademark allele, CATTAAAG, was present. The allele was a small DNA sequence, which served as a quality mark from where he was created. That girl had been implanted with a Blondie who in turn was bred by the largest biochemical facility on Tanagura, and whether Raoul likes it or not, it leads straight to his door. And pretty soon, Raoul will be knocking on mine, confronting me on the evening research at the lab, which was performed without his consent. Unless, Stewart's friends have been smart enough to cover up their tracks. I am waiting to see what happens at work.

This was the answer I feared, but right now there is no time for me to lose my composure. At least, the girl has a name.

Pet identity: BKCT-7930  
Name: Lejia Nao  
Date of birth: 4679 – Eph – 291  
Gender: Female  
Medical History: File BKCT-7930/4679-291  
Summary: Heart condition, endocarditis, due to HACEK bacterial infection at the age of three. Successful treatment of E. Corrodens with Quinoprehistine.

Last noted: 4693-323  
Referred to the Tanagura Biomedical Center, Fertility unit U41 for annual check-up. Examination performed by, Dr A. Hannoh.

I didn't want to know more. I switched my PDA off.

I am only focusing on my programming, smoking, drinking and having meetings with Papa Downs. My only shelter and safety vent is Trithorax. If this situation had taken place five or seven years ago when I was at the peak of coordinating the Black Market, I would've never allowed myself to divulge anything to anyone whom I didn't know as well as I knew Iason. But times change. And for the first time I don't care about what happens to me. I care about Trithorax and his wellbeing. I will send him an email when the temporary chat is up. I will send him the address to it, but I will need a secure line. And I know of only one such secure line. Raoul's own computer. That network is outside the common ether so it is the safest one. No one can tap into it unless they have Jupiter's skills.

I thought Raoul would never leave his office today. It was about half past eight when I got access to his computer. I was in a hurry to create a temporary forum with a small chat site, where I and Trithorax would be able to talk alone. My heart was in my throat every second I spent in front of Raoul's computer. I feared he would come back, since he has been working late for quite sometime, and confront me. After that incident with the post it notes, I am not taking chances on leaving traces. This time I was really careful. I emptied the cache files, I cleaned up everything and I even repositioned his ink pen in the same angle it had been placed on the table when I entered the office. I don't know if I'm equaling what would be called paranoia, but I just couldn't face Raoul.

I sent the link to Trithorax via email and now I am hoping he will come on line at any second. I've been waiting for about twenty minutes. The chat is up and running…  
Well, I'm making some tea, and then I'll come back to you…

My flat mates have cleaned the dishes and even placed my gigantic cup in my cupboard. Well, thanks for that matey! I am drinking white tea, something I haven't had in a long time. I do not appreciate far too roasted tea leaves. This one I bought at a shabby little store where they have all kinds of odd food, for the tea they sell is actually better than that I've had even at Iason's residence.

Oh! Trithorax has found his way in!

_BlueBunny logged on 377: 22'03. Magellan Firewall opens portal KJNDB-897349-493._

_Trithorax logged on 377: 22'27. Magellan Firewall opens portal IGBHL-3682-9932._

_  
BlueBunny_  
Hello beautiful. I've missed you more than you can imagine.  
_  
Trithorax_  
Me too. I've been thinking about you all day. I was stressed out the entire day as we are having some departmental restructuring… but all I could think of was you. I value that you trust me this much. I really do, Bunny.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
I am glad that you spent the night with me. It meant a lot to me.

_Trithorax_  
You are welcome. By the way, was it all really true? Maybe I'm stupid for asking, but it all sounds so deep… pretty heavy stuff to carry on your own.

_BlueBunny_  
Afraid so.

_Trithorax_  
I don't know what to say.

_BlueBunny_  
You know… I've been thinking… and I wish I could get my boss out of this somehow.

_Trithorax_  
Why the hell would you wanna do that? He is obviously involved.

_BlueBunny_  
Yeah. Too obviously.

_Trithorax_  
What do you mean, Bunny?

_BlueBunny_  
I just don't understand. If he wants to run the show, why convince me to return and give me a job as "clerk" at his company where he runs the risk of me discovering all this? Does it make sense?

_Trithorax_  
I dunno, but considering your former work, maybe he was planning on hooking you up on it again.

_BlueBunny_  
Why take that chance? I gave up that business years ago. What made him so sure I would say yes? Anyway, I am not so certain. He was really serious when he warned me about not stepping into it again. I know my boss. I know him enough to state that he doesn't threaten without a cause. It's never a threat – it a promise of retribution if I disobey.

Trithorax  
What if he wants to control you then?

_BlueBunny_  
How do you mean, beautiful?  
_  
Trithorax_  
I was just thinking how we handle competing companies. If you can't fight them, then buy them, and if you can't buy them then make sure you know every step they take. You know…

_BlueBunny_  
You have a point there. I just find this so unbelievable. How could he do all this without me noticing? He really played me, huh? I even helped him to set that damn beacon up.

_Trithorax_  
I am truly sorry. I guess not everything in this world is what it seems. Isn't it so?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
You are right.

_Trithorax_  
Can I ask you something, Bunny?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
What?  
_  
Trithorax_  
How could you do it? I mean how could you trade all those lives?

_BlueBunny_  
You really wanna know?  
_  
Trithorax_  
I must.

___BlueBunny_  
Fair enough. I was young, ambitious, hungry for money and success – any way out of Ceres was a good way. I climbed higher than most can ever imagine and somewhere along the line, I dusted the empathy off my shoulder. When you work long enough with Blondies, you start becoming like them. After a while people were just assets, expendable assets.

_Trithorax_  
You are very honest.

_BlueBunny_  
Sorry. I know what I sound like.

_Trithorax_  
So what has changed?

_BlueBunny_  
After my former boss died, I realized that it had all been an empire built on hollow ground. I did it but without him it just didn't have meaning anymore. Nothing had meaning anymore.  
_  
Trithorax_  
You loved him that much?

_BlueBunny_  
No… well, sometimes, but he was the only life I knew. We were so integrated. My training period, my life as a eunuch, us as business partners and that everyday life. So when he died, so did I. It was almost as I have forgotten what it was like to be free again… just as I had said to Riki.  
_  
Trithorax_  
Don't you want to live again?

_BlueBunny_  
Yeah… I am still waiting for it.

_Trithorax_  
Waiting for what, BB?

_BlueBunny_  
For life to return.

_Trithorax_  
Why wait? Maybe you should seek it out instead.

_BlueBunny_  
I know.

_Trihorax_  
So?

_BlueBunny_  
I think I've taken the first step at least. I am talking to you, aren't I? And it seems like we'll meet soon.

_Trithorax_  
Does this mean that you are coming to the Aaïryn peninsula?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Yes. :D It is settled. Besides, I need it after all this.

_Trithorax_  
:eek: You don't know how happy you just made me. I have already figured out my costume to the masquerade.

_BlueBunny_  
Wow. You are really planning ahead. There are two and a half months till then.  
_  
Trithorax_  
I know, but I am really anxious to see you.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Me too, but Tri, I still have to ask you not to show your face to me. I don't want to know.

_Trithorax_  
You really think I'd be at such a great risk?

_BlueBunny_  
I don't want to take chances.

_Trithorax_  
Sigh Fine, so when do you think it will be safe enough for me to be able to hold you in public?

_BlueBunny_  
You wanna hold me in public? Hehehe.  
_  
Trithorax_  
What's so funny?

_BlueBunny_  
You sound like a concerned pairing partner. Cute.

_Trithorax_  
A pairing partner… I didn't say that…

_BlueBunny_  
Sure sounded like that.  
_  
Trithorax_  
Would that be an impossible future?

_BlueBunny_  
Us?! Together??  
_  
Trithorax_  
Yes.

_BlueBunny_  
I don't know.

_Trithorax_  
Wouldn't you like that?

_Trithorax_  
BB, you got very quiet…  
_  
Trithorax_  
…Bunny…  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Can I dream?  
_  
Trithorax_  
Yeah… let's dream together. Let's pretend it's possible. Let's spin the wheel and see where it stops.

_BlueBunny_  
I'd love it, Tri. I really would. When I come home there'd be someone waiting for me, or warm the other side of the bed.  
_  
Trithorax_  
We could have dinners together. Talk about what we did at work, or just relax watching a movie.

_BlueBunny_  
A nice hug now and then, a sweet kiss… fooling around in the apartment.

_Trithorax_  
Or maybe go someplace together and we would always be together.

_BlueBunny_  
Till the end of time?

_Trithorax_  
Till the end of time.

_BlueBunny_  
It's a nice dream. Thank you.

_Trithorax_  
You are welcome.

_BlueBunny_  
Will I see you tomorrow?

_Trithorax_  
I might have a late night at work, but I will try to come home as fast as possible. I hope so.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Ahh… and there we have reality checking in. Time to wake up again, I guess.

_BlueBunny_  
Ok. I'll see you then. Good night, Tri.

_BlueBunny_  
Tri?  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Hello…?

_Trithorax_  
Is that all you have to say?

_BlueBunny_  
What?

_Trithorax_  
Have you stopped pretending already?

_BlueBunny_  
You want to continue playing, Tri?

_Trithorax_  
Just a few minutes more… please? I've never felt this before. Doesn't it make you feel something?

_BlueBunny_  
It does Tri, but it's hard. It's confusing. I don't know what to do with all these feelings.

_Trithorax_  
Bunny…

_BlueBunny_  
Yes?

_Trithorax_  
Can I pretend that I love you?

Tears were falling down my face. He broke my soul and I dared to dream for the first time. I wrote the line "I've already pretended that", but erased it and just sent him a kissing smiley.

Have to stop here for tonight, Artemisia. I am too tired and too overwhelmed. I'm off to bed.


	22. Raoul's Secret

**RAOUL'S SECRETS: 4693-380**

I logged into Raoul's computer when he had left. I re-traced the document he had once looked at when I found him drunk in his office. I fought my reluctance to get deeper involved and opened it. I found a story there. At first I thought it was just a silly romance novel, but then I realized it had been true. Someone had sent it to Raoul. It was a part of Raoul's life. I made the connection through the blue bunny. Now I am sure Raoul is involved, deeper than I would have imagined it. I immediately downloaded the letter on my memory stick and I'm posting it here.

_"Dear Lord Am,_

_The mother did not survive the journey. As you suspected she was too weak and died before we reached the docks of the sky city Nascent Rising. I am very sorry to bring you the news in this way, but we suspect the entire cargo was destroyed before it reached its destination. She was our only way to find the others hidden._

_Please, do tell me what further measures are to be taken._

_Kind regards,_

_Dr A. Hannoh."_

This name again; Dr Hannoh. I thought this was terrible enough, but what I found later on was even worse. I was suddenly interrupted by movements outside the office. I was so scared and my heart skipped a few beats before I recognized the hum of the cleaner-bot. It was hovering over the dark blue carpet outside to vacuum up the mess of the day. Raoul's office was covered with marble flooring, so I relaxed as I saw the machine go about its way past the glass door.

I continued spying on my own boss – my only friend (that was wrong – my only acquaintance) from the past. I saw that he had opened the file Doh'ra, after he read this letter. According to the path of information, he had re-opened this file five times over that day – and it was the last thing he looked at before I interrupted him in the evening. Nothing… NOTHING could have prepared me for what I saw.

It all began with Raoul looking into the camera. He seemed a bit sad but somehow content and peaceful. His hair was arranged behind his ears and with his shirt buttoned all the way down his stomach whilst relaxing in a white sofa and talking to the person behind the camera. He seemed a bit abashed and almost insecure as he spoke. He smiled a lot and was biting his lips in a way I had never seen him do; just like a schoolboy, flirting for the first time. I watched him… every movement he made.

The person behind the camera threw a question at Raoul. The voice was muffled and distorted by the position of the camera, but I heard the answers given and through that I could imagine what was asked of him.

"No, I've never done this before. I never had to…"

"Why? Well, times change and I've always been accused of having odd taste."

"No, I'm not worried… but it is a bit odd… new to me. I never thought I'd end up here…"

"Yes… here… brothels are not a common place where you can find Blondies."

"No, I don't regret coming here… there is a first time for everything."

"I don't know what to expect."

"You just have to tell me what to do then…"

With that last encouragement the person behind the picture instructed Raoul to remove his clothes, bit by bit, and within minutes he was stretched out on the sofa like a bored male lion. His golden mane was flowing over the pale skin of his back, covering him like a silky quilt. His body made almost no contrast against the white leather and he smiled shyly as he lay on his stomach. The viewer then asked him to turn around, and by Jupiter's grace, Artemisia, I never seem to get used to how beautiful he is. It's not like I haven't seen him before, but he seems to steal my breath every time. It's not just the body. It's his expression; it adds such a mesmerizing essence to his physical being. It completes his appearance of a demigod.

Before my imagination had a chance to gallop with a horse that would never tire, Raoul sat up and reached towards the camera. By the gods, I almost reached out to go with him; it was almost as if he had been calling for me – but no. In a blink of an eye, three people appeared on the screen; all with their backs against me. I watched the smooth, luscious bodies move towards Raoul and they didn't even have to turn for me to realize that these were females.

Females! Can you believe that? They surrounded him from all directions, attending his every need. Their hair was arranged in a way resembling those Greek-inspired mythological alabaster goddesses outside the city hall, and all they wore on their tanned bodies was a simple loincloth of thin linen. It swayed gently as they moved their hips, teasing and luring Raoul into an aroused state I've never witnessed. He was the inexperienced one in their hands.

Their arms were decorated with countless bracelets that chinked and rattled gently as they caressed his body, whilst layers of necklaces rested between the full breasts that brushed against his face. His insecure movements were charming; the small twitches of surprise as those ruby-red lips teased his pale mouth into a mutual action. His hands were searching, but they didn't find what he usually reached for. I was most certain he would stop, for he seemed very uncomfortable. Raoul was a virgin in their hands – and the three concubines were relentless. Their lips left patches of red wherever they kissed his skin. I could see Raoul's confusion. He wanted it so badly, yet he was out of control. He was without power in an uncharted territory. They were in command and he had no choice but to let the girls lead him to release.

Soft tongues explored sensitive areas like his earlobes, collarbone, the hollow of his arms, fingers, and navel – constantly teasing until the stallion was ready to be broken in. One of the girls took courage and straddled his hips. Raoul arched his back and inhaled audibly. It seemed as if his lungs would never be filled – insatiable. She began rocking whilst the others stimulated his entire his body until he let go of his inhibitions and took charge. Raoul directed one of the girls over his face and the memories of such an event started pouring into my head. I had been with a girl too. It was before it all happened. I was determined to reach my goals and I knew there were only a few chances I'd get to loose my virginity and at least have something to reminisce. It had been the bar girl near the shabby place where I used to live. I can't remember her face anymore, or what really happened. I just remember her voice echoing in my ears as she reached her fulfillment. She took what she wanted from me – just like these girls on the screen robbed Raoul of his strength. I kept on watching as Raoul mounted one after the other, but never to the extent where he was brutal, vulgar or demanding in a rude way. At first his movements were more mechanical and insecure, but as elation swept him away, the thrusts were more determined and pronounced. He was ever so gentle and just as the recording reached its end, only one girl remained in his arms. She was a petite thing, with ample breasts and an hourglass figure that fitted perfectly into his embrace. She was from some exotic place. Her skin was like cinnamon and her hair was almost the same in color, whilst her eyes radiated in amber, just like mine. She lay on her stomach, smiling as Raoul made invisible pictures on her back with delicate fingertips.

"Thank you." He whispered and those words made her turn around and accept his gratitude with an endearing kiss.

"You are welcome."

Raoul's eyes noticed something on the floor as he said; "I see you still have it."

To which the girl replied as she reached for the object; "Yes, it is always by my side. He is my guardian."

She picked up the very same Blue Bunny that was now sitting on my bedside table every night… watching me sleep.

"No." Raoul protested with another kiss. "I am your guardian… and I'll never let anything happen to you."

The recording ended and I made the connection. Raoul had been one of those who indulged in the exploitation of these young females. But I couldn't understand why he had been so gentle to them. I knew females were more fragile, but this was not Raoul. This was not the Raoul I had got to know. Iason always mocked Raoul by saying he had an odd taste in Pets, but I had never thought it was this pronounced.

I am questioning everything now, Artemisia. According to the police force and Papa Downs, Raoul was this horrible predator that fed off the innocent. But you should have seen him. There was not even a tinge of roughness in his presence. I have to talk to Trithorax. I'll ask him to meet me at the cemetery.

* * *

**FINAL NOTE: 4693-381**

It's way past midnight and I have just come home. I was thinking about skipping turning you on again after such a long day, but I feel the things I get to know bear such importance that everything emerging in my head needs to be written down. I don't know how far up in society this game reaches, but I think it is better to make notes of each move I make, in case anything should happen to me. How do I know something might happen to me, you may wonder. Well, my meeting with Trithorax was aborted. I was followed. I went to the metro station. I thought it would be better to take the underground this time, but after a few stations I noticed a couple of guys get on board who were casting suspicious yet evasive looks at me. At first I wasn't sure if they were interested in me or if it was just a coincidence that they kept me under watch; heaven knows I've been wrong before.

However, I thought it would be best to take preventive measures and stepped off the station before Arcos. As I suspected, the guys followed and I had to shake them off. I managed to do so by entering the busiest bar I know in this neighborhood and sneak out the back door. Works every time for I know the bar owner and he allows me to go through the staff entrance, which leads to a different street level compared to the main entrance. By the time the guys found an elevator that took them to the sidewalks below, I was already on my way home on the night bus.

These guys were most likely the police since they were not familiar with my routes. It was too easy to shake them off. People from Ceres have a more finely tuned radar to track me down – especially if they are acquainted with Papa Downs. Unless…unless this was just a visual warning so that I would be aware of the fact that they were keeping their eyes on me. In any case, I was worried about the safety of Trithorax and avoided Arcos completely. I'm sure he will be pretty angry with me, but I hope I can make him understand via the email I just sent to him.

I'll post here for you, darling. Guard it safely.

_"My beloved Tri,_

_As you know by now I never back off from a promise unless I have a real reason. I was on my way to meet you when I discovered that I was being followed. I couldn't continue my way to you. As I told you before, I can only keep contact with you if I know you won't be harmed. The moment I suspect you are in danger I'd rather back off and never see you again than having to live with the guilt that I caused you harm. Please, don't be angry with me._

_Yours truly,_

_BB"_

Perhaps I sounded very formal...no? Oh, well. I am tired. I'll talk to you again tomorrow, Artemisia.


	23. Weekend Conference

Hey guys. I haven't updated in a while. Hope you haven't lost interest. ;) Enjoy, for there is lots left.

* * *

**WEEKEND CONFERENCE 4693-386**

I lied to you, Artemisia. "Tomorrow" turned into five days later. I am sorry, but I am at the airport as I am writing this to you. Let me explain what happened. To begin with, Trithorax had replied to the message I sent him the other day. I got the email early the very same morning. He had been waiting for hours and had been furious at me, although in the comfort of his home he did suspect that there must have been a good reason to why I hadn't shown up. He forgave me, which is the most important thing to me right now. I'm glad to have him on my side. Frankly, I don't trust many people at this moment. I don't know much about X-breed and since the tone of Papa Downs had changed that night in room 407, I am feeling a slight discomfort in discussing my suspicions with him. I know this trafficking has to stop and I am more than happy to help him bring the mastermind behinds all this, down for good. Still, I put my trust into Trithorax rather than anyone else. I dare to tell him things, even the fact that I am now relentlessly and daily hacking into Raoul's computer.

Well, my peaceful snooping for more information regarding the trafficking was interrupted by Raoul's email. He sent me a funny image yesterday from a weekend conference, to which he was invited as a keynote lecturer on Tashjian, the sky city outside the quarter moon squadron. As you may suspect, he is off my back and I get to snoop around a bit. It sounds bad, but it's necessary.

But never mind the snooping. I tell you Artemisia, Raoul has certainly flushed his dignity down the drain as he was posing with the conference organizer and stared cross-eyed into the camera as their photo was taken. He wrote to me asking; "How do I look?"

What does one answer to that? "Raoul you look like an idiot", but I couldn't write that to him. However, I never ever thought Raoul was capable of such a thing. He never finds pleasure in clowning about. Raoul has always been seriousness personified and always took his duties with the outmost gravity. I don't know what was wrong with him, but he was actually quite funny on that photo, which as from today is my desktop picture. His wavy hair with those childish corkscrews framing his face gives him an enchanting mischievous look that is hard to resist. His hair has grown a little, but hardly long enough to gather that blond mane in a ponytail.

He was posing in a black shirt and a black scarf around his neck secured with a diamond breastpin, a white top coat and – prepare yourself – black trousers. If this had been a few years back, Raoul wouldn't want to be caught dead in mongrel color – especially not Riki's favorite color… or lack of it rather. But I must say, black suits Raoul very well. It is a pleasant contrast to his white skin and golden hair. Too bad he had to look like a nutcase on the photo otherwise it would have been one worthy of framing.

In addition, he sent me this confusing letter a few hours later. It is night where he is now and apparently he had a bit too much to drink. Funny, Raoul had never over indulged in alcohol before. Well, judge for yourself.

_"Dearest Katze,_

_I sit here in the lounge, across from the building where my bed enticingly beckons me, and write you. The quietness here is relaxing and the wine is beyond my expectations. I find myself lulled into a sense of calming solitude._

_After an exhausting day, at lectures that could bore even the dead, things finally wrapped up for the evening with a horrendous presentation by the students of Lord Kinney. Why he chose to allow such imbeciles to speak is beyond me. Their empty heads and repetitious babble on subjects that have already been proven fallacious, lulled me to sleep. Be assured though, that I did not spring up at any inopportune times and appear foolish._

_It will be nice when I am able to leave this function Katze, and return home to those things I hold dear. However, I am in need now, so this is not entirely a social note. I require you to gather all information and work on subject matter ABEL 286.xx1. With these in hand, draw up a presentation for my talk, along with the visuals, which you will find in the file 41599ABEL on my computer. I must have them at latest by the morning of my presentation, so I do insist that you bring it to my room here at the Tashjian. If I were you, I would start immediately on this task. I have already booked an open ticket flight for you, which you must take sometime tonight. You will arrive by tomorrow, early morning and we will have plenty of time to prepare. We have been over them before, so I should not find anything too difficult to follow._

_Now to something more troubling. Memories have flooded my thoughts again, Katze. Memories of situations that retain a pleasant taste on my tongue. Unfortunately, memories of things that I truly regret also appear. I saw a Pet today who resembled my dear Mimea and thus I started to follow her. What overcame me to do such a thing? I had to know if it was her. Truthfully, it is better that it was not. She betrayed me, with a dirty, disgusting mongrel no less, and I have yet to reconcile my behavior with her._

_…hmmm, my glass is empty._

_While I wait for another bottle to arrive, thoughts overwhelm me. Have you ever had someone, Katze? Someone whom you later regret not giving enough to? Someone you cherished to the point of obsession? No? I suppose not. I ask the wrong person these questions, for you are not capable of this are you? You have never loved anyone, have you? For that matter, neither has she. How thoroughly repulsive. I imagine she now regrets this disgusting act!_

_The waiter has finally brought me over another bottle. How fitting! Chair corrompue. Someone seems to have a sense of humor at this place. Although it seems I have reached my limit, I have no desire to leave yet. I believe I am enjoying this bit of melancholy – this reflection on past and present. Sometimes life appears utterly ludicrous._

_I finish this correspondence to you with an added request. I require that you bring, along with the presentation on ABEL, the additional files on TrxG. These you will find in my office, in the drawer under the post-it notepads. You do know where those are, am I right Katze? As I thought._

_I am very much looking forward to seeing you tomorrow._

_Sincerely,_

_Raoul"_

He has drifted into thoughts regarding Mimea again. I wonder why? He had been ever so cruel rejecting her the way he did. Why was a killer so remorseful?

The time is 23'73 and my flight is leaving in about an hour. I have been looking into the shops and the System Corporation, which as you know controls everything that has to do with alcohol containing drinks since a few years back, but I find it quite reassuring even though it is more controlled than before. Anyway, I couldn't find anything to buy, except a bottle of a sherry cask matured whisky that I suspect Raoul will like. I have never bought him anything before, but I felt like giving him this. Expensive as heck, since it is a limited edition so I sincerely hope he will like it. After all, he was very kind to me when I was ill a few months back.

The coffee at the restaurant I am at is not as I had expected it to be. A bit too roasted. It has lost its nutty character and only bitterness remains. Oh, well, the baklava is splendid and… I just realized I sound almost like Raoul. Oh, for crying out loud. I am turning you off. I am about to board soon anyway and I plan to sleep my way through the five-hour flight. Raoul has booked business class for me. Smiles See you tomorrow.


	24. Embarrassent

**EMBARRASSMENT 4693-388**

Oh Artemisia, I am sitting on my flight home. And the faster I get there the better. I had the most humiliating experience in my whole life. I am not referring to the meeting. THAT was this morning and it went well. growls It is what happened the night before (yesterday). I arrived early morning and Raoul was waiting for me at the airport, or rather at the docking bay. Nice enough, don't you think? A limousine, fully equipped with all the necessary and unnecessary things you could think of or wish for. He took me to the hotel and we had a nice breakfast, during which we went through the whole talk and compiled the images he wanted, along with the text and animations. He explained what he wanted and I did as he asked. After about four hours we finished the presentation and he went additionally over it couple of times. He was actually learning very quickly and he was very devoted in understanding the concepts and the terminology of computer science. We also spoke about the conference at New Years Eve, and to my surprise Raoul said; "I was bluntly expecting you to come. I had no idea you were having second thoughts… of course you are coming. I have already booked room and paid for the gala dinner. You know about this, my dear Katze, how can you doubt my intentions? When I promise something, it is settled. "

Anyway, I went to bed for a few hours. Raoul had graciously offered me his room and told me I could sleep there for the night. It was only a question of one night, so I accepted his offer. THIS I shouldn't have!

After a few hours Raoul woke me up to attended the ceremonial dinner, which was already paid for and arranged. Everything was really grand but all I could think of was getting into bed again. I was really tired. And so, shortly after dinner, I left the conference attendants and went to bed.

Sometime in the middle of the night I know I had vivid dreams about Trithorax. I saw his naked body, his hands playing, his moans resounding in my head as if he had been inside of me. I was feeling his touches all over me and my unresponsive body reacted as if the caresses had been real. I still remember my dream – it was so intense. In my dream, he was riding me. I could feel him sliding down on me, gently and repeatedly, until I could no longer withhold the pent up feelings inside. I woke up to the sounds of my own moans as the muscles in my lower abdomen cramped and pushed a milky pool of semen onto my hips and thighs. I opened my eyes to darkness and immediately realized what had happened. To my greatest terror Raoul had been awakened by my voice. I let go of the blanket I had fisted in cramps and rushed into the bathroom. I was so embarrassed and turned on the shower to wash it all off. Why was Raoul sleeping next to me? Better yet, why was I so stupid to fall asleep in his bed? My place was on the couch. I told myself I would just close my eyes for a second whilst I was watching a movie, then fell asleep and he didn't have the decency to wake me up. Why? I was so ashamed, I could feel my cheeks burning. Beyond the patter of the water, I heard Raoul's comforting voice from outside. I had locked the bathroom door.

"Katze, it's all right."

"No! It's not all right! Damn it! I'm sorry…"

I don't know how many times I apologized, but he kept on assuring it was of no consequence or shame. But I was ashamed.

After a few attempts Raoul managed to open the damn door and within minutes he was standing in front of me, holding up a towel as I stepped out of the shower. Without a smirk or even an indecent glance, he wrapped it around me and held me close until I stopped shivering. I don't know what happened but I felt safe. It felt good, being held like that. I've never felt it before. It was really soothing. His embrace is so big, Artemisia. I drowned in it and there was still plenty of room there. Before we returned to bed he whispered; "I am glad that you found someone you desire this much."

Those words are still in my head, Artemisia. I must have said Trithorax's name out loud. Raoul knows his name. And I don't know why… but I feel so guilty about it. And for a swift second there, I betrayed my feelings for Trithorax as I secretly wished it had been Raoul's name I called out. What's wrong with me? I don't even love Raoul. I don't know what I feel for him… or even IF I feel for him. But I do recall that embrace, the smell of his chest and that curly mesh on his head as he gazed down on me. The steward is bringing in my coffee. I have to go now.

By the way, Raoul was really happy about the whisky. His eyes lit up like that of a child when I presented him with that gift (after all he had been looking after me). I immediately recognized his motions and if I had given him the slightest invitation with a swift glance, he would have thanked me with a kiss. But I was unsure if it was appropriate (after all he is my boss) and so I just nodded and he smiled in return. We drank the whole bottle to drown my stupidity and he did just about everything to divert my thoughts from this embarrassing moment. I think he likes me a little… at times at least.

* * *

**BREATHLESS 4693-389**

I am still on the plane, but time has passed over to the next day. I am so glad you cannot see my pitiful face, Artemisia. My mind is going mad.

To my double hit espresso I had my usual passion cake. And speaking of which, it seems like the very word 'passion' has left a trailing aftertaste of insanity in my life. I opened you up to check for my messages from work. I will be excused from work today, with Raoul's permission, for he knows I will arrive rather late in the afternoon. I thought I would look through some of my notes on how Raoul wants me to develop the program and I was completely dumbfounded by a letter, addressed to me, that fell out of my briefcase. I saw by the perfect handwriting that it had been a message from Raoul. I immediately felt a warning light flash in my mind, but my curiosity made me read every shocking line over and over. I tried to gather my thoughts and opinions upon the matter. I don't know what to think. What do you have to say?

_"Dear Katze,_

_I am aware that at this time you are flying back home and so have no excuse not to read my note that I have enclosed in your bag. During flight, there is not much to do to entertain a person, except perhaps see what the other passengers might be reading and compare works. However, in this case, I sense that will not occur._

_As I attend another conference, albeit interesting that it is; it has taken a back burner in my mind. My thoughts and concerns have turned to you. What transpired last night, I freely confess that I enjoyed. Though I was only an observer, an inactive participant lying beside you, I found myself extremely aroused. You were beautiful in all your actions Katze. I was hypnotized by your moans of pleasure, your expressions, and your release. It was an extremely pleasing sight, one that I yearn to experience again._

_Katze, while I sincerely wish to have been the one to extract such responses from you, it was another that you were dreaming of. Who, may I ask, is this Tri person who pulls these emotional responses from you? I feel somewhat envious. These intense responses that he has incited within you, I am jealous of; they are the very same ones that I wish to give and to receive from another._

_I realized that you were somewhat embarrassed by my presence during your stay, but I am here for you. Do not Katze, ever feel that you need to be uncomfortable or feel that you must hide your feelings while around me. I welcome all that you have and was glad to be a comfort to you last night. More to the point, I am glad that you seem to have found someone to love._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Raoul"_

It took me ages to write this letter to you. Only a few words that would have taken less than a few minutes otherwise to type, but I kept on thinking about every word. I am so overwhelmed. If I could I would ask the pilots to turn around this second. My body is burning. I feel the heat in my stomach. I can hardly breathe and I can see from the expression of the man sitting across me that he has noticed something was wrong. I am trying my best to keep up a front. I think it is working fairly well, but I must get a seat some place else to be alone with my private thoughts before I continue.

There! I have asked for a secluded area in the lounge deck and I am sipping on a glass of sherry. The heat is still in my stomach and I am so caught by his words. The words; These intense responses that he has incited within you, I am jealous of; they are the very same ones that I wish to give and to receive from another.

Well, that makes two of us Raoul. I am dwelling in my own misery as I have come to the notion that I adore one man who has given me everything he could possibly offer another person, yet I am in love with another who cannot even offer me a glance of passion other than to bless me with a thought of his desires. Raoul will never be able to love me. Not because he doesn't want to, but here is a social wall between us that cannot be climbed. Riki and Iason have been through that once, and it led straight down to their destruction. Trithorax does love me, but Raoul's words always affect me so deeply. I cannot be true to any of them.

I want another drink. Double vodka on ice… nothing else. This is my third and my vision is a bit jumpy… or blurry. I dunno. I want to go home. I want to talk to Tri and forget about Raoul. Besides. He is a conceited piece of shit. Why the didn't he tell me this when I was there? Why didn't he kiss me or at least touch me? I wonder what his touch is like? I wonder if he is a good kisser? The Gods know I have had all kinds of experiences; the lizard, the dog, the fish and the blanket. I wonder if he could pinpoint exactly what I like? I've never seen him completely naked in reality, but what I've seen so far is so desirable. His chest is so smooth that it would be a shame to hide it under hair, although I don't mind hair either. I am sure if Raoul had hair on his chest it would be so silky that it would be a shame not to have it. So in whatever form, he would be perfect.

Images of his naked body are haunting me as I write, however, I know that Blondies are far too well equipped for my taste. That at least keeps my emotions in check and I can restrain myself from calling him or turning back. Besides, he has never shown this kind of interest in me before. All the time I was working for Iason, Raoul had not even blessed me with a look, why would he all of a sudden be so jealous of a wet dream?

No! I am sure he is just playing! I told you before. He is smart. He is a master in manipulating people, and me.

I am turning you off, for I see the more I babble the more confused I get. I won't answer him back and I will throw away this damn letter when we dock. I am tired.


	25. Dr Hannoh and Papa Downs

**Dr Hannoh: 4693-392**

Tri has not been available for days. Raoul is back though. He has a very kind expression. He looks at me differently and he does not raise his voice against me or even give a command through a harsh breath. I have avoided going to lunch with him, but the interesting thing is, I feel he has been trying to avoid me too.

It has been two days and I know the letter by heart. It is still in my drawer at home. I have kept it and thrown it away about a million times, then taken it back again. Finally, I realized I can't part from it. I get the feeling that it was written in swift emotional turmoil. Maybe pent up feelings he wrote down while high on an impulse he wanted to expose to the world. I don't know what to think anymore. Tri has been busy and not been able to talk other than through short emails. This has given me time to invite thoughts of Raoul into my head. I read the letter again when he passed me by and walked into his office with a cup of coffee.

I think I am in love with the sentence; _These intense responses that he has incited within you, I am jealous of; they are the very same ones that I wish to give and to receive from another._

Can you imagine? Raoul jealous of Tri? I wonder if Raoul would be able to give me that much pleasure?

I dreamt about him last night, Artemisia. I dreamt about Raoul, but I don't remember what exactly. I woke up feeling completely tense and my body was craving for release. To my great embarrassment I dare to tell you I took out my toy from my drawer. I hate to admit it, but I do use it from time to time. I am not against playing and using toys as such, but I hate the fact that I can only come with the help from one. However, thinking of him made it all so pleasurable and it happened so fast. I wanted it so badly and the toy was hardly enough to satisfy my appetite. What I do remember is that I moaned his name. Raoul's name! Can you imagine… I am insane.

Look at me, I am rambling on about stupid things, when I have something more important to talk to you about. I took the courage a few days ago to go through Raoul's computer again. I was looking for any documents that could give me information about Dr Hannoh. All documents were locked with a thirteen-digit code, which would have taken some time to crack, but I did find a discarded email still remaining in the trash folder. The email was not containing any revealing information other than a "Yes, Lord Am", but the signature gave me plenty of information on where to find this fellow.

"Tanagura Biomedical Center  
Section of Gene Dynamics  
Bridge Promenade 7297 FXT  
Tanagura  
Extention code: Ξ 2866"

Hahaha! Raoul's address is:

"Tanagura Biomedical Center  
Chief Executive Officer  
Bridge Promenade 7297 FXT  
Tanagura  
Extention code: Ξ 3591"

And mine is:

"Tanagura Biomedical Center  
Section of Molecular Modeling  
Bridge Promenade 7297 FXT  
Tanagura  
Extention code: Ξ 3588"

Well what do you know, Artemisia. Dr Hannoh, who is actually a professor, is working on the 253rd floor, only about a hundred floors beneath us. I thought he worked at the Fertility Unit, but in fact, he is a group leader for the Gene Dynamics group, which is the unit responsible for the genetic alterations that we model through our programs. In other words, the up to date computer program I am to design for Raoul will design genes for future individuals as well as cures for diseases, which will be realized by Prof Hannoh. He puts the theory to the test. I guess Papa was right. My program will design a tailor-made sequence for each individual created or to be created. I now how it sounds, but it has great potential to do good. It all depends on how we choose to use it. However, right now, I am very hesitant to finish it. I don't know if I want to hand such a toy over to Raoul until I find out more of what is going on.

I went to his office on the 253rd floor during my lunch break. I didn't walk into his office of course. I can't confront him as yet. I will find a way to do that too. Meanwhile, I have to talk to Papa Downs. I know he has been looking for me. I had a message on my chair as I returned from lunch. The note said, "Your dad called. Urgent!"

Time to call daddy... and time to manipulate Raoul.

* * *

**PAPA AGAIN: 4693-394**

I am sitting here with my fourth glass of brandy and I've finished about a half a pack of cigarettes. My flat mates have been complaining about the smoke, but I don't give a damn right now. I met with Papa Downs yesterday evening. Just as we had discussed and agreed upon I was to meet him about three hours after work at the Downs club. It was the middle of the week and I was surprised that there were so many people at he club. There was some live music there too, but the band playing was not appealing to my taste in music. However, there were enough people howling to their glory that my addition wouldn't have made any difference.

Well, Papa Downs wore a black leather jacket and received me with his usual gentle character, but after the scotch was poured into the glass, the seriousness settled. He brought up the subject of Raoul again.

I came to understand that they have not been able to dig up anything on Raoul yet and it made me more worried than if he had come up with some concrete evidence. It meant that I had to dig into Raoul's life. I know I have been a disappointment to Papa Downs since I have hardly done any of what they had asked for. Papa Downs knew there was more to my aversion than just my loyalty to a coworker or boss.

Papa said; "Look, they are grabbing my ass here. I was the one suggesting you to them for you are the most suitable one for the job."

He leaned over the table and spoke with his usual hoarse voice.

"There is only one person I know who has worked for them and maintained integrity and that's you Katze. All others have fallen. Sooner or later they all do…"

I said nothing but nodded and sipped quietly on my drink and thus he continued.

"X-breed has not seen you online in weeks. You were supposed to check back with us regularly."

I still said nothing.

"All right, all right." Papa leaned back in the chair sighing. "I know getting information like that takes time. We have been at it for a long time without anything, but Katze I can't cover your back from these people. They have a lot of shit on you and if you don't return something to them they will have you within four walls in no time."

"Papa," I began. "I may be a mole in Raoul's hive, but I am not obligated to speak to those people. I have been played from the beginning and the only communication towards them goes through you. When the time is right, I will go to X-breed. Meanwhile, tell them to stay the off my back."

I told Papa about the night I was to meet with Tri and I had to shake some the tail off. Of course, I said nothing about Tri, just the situation. He said he had nothing to do with that, and I do believe him.

"Listen Katze, I will try to keep the vultures off your back but you will have to give me something to feed them with. Look, I was the one suggesting you, for I know you are one of the very few capable of pulling this off. You are the only one I know who didn't grow weak for a Blondie…"

If only he had known. In that second, Artemisia, I realized that I had to keep my front up with Papa. I could not be as frank with him as I once used to be. I had to give the impression I was still immune to Blondies – to Raoul.

"Tell me you have something, Kat. I know sacrifice hurts, but there is no progress without it."

I finished my drink and squeezed the blood out of stone as I presented the connection between Dr Hannoh and Raoul. I really haven't worked so much on the thought behind it all, but I made it up as I went along, hoping that my ideas sounded fairly logical. I told Papa about the emails I found on Raoul's computer, the possible collaboration where Hannoh was provided with the technical means and the embryos to implant into the unsuspected girls during checkups. I also said; "I suspect they are not chosen by random. The girl we found had been on an annual checkup for years. I think they all have their continuous checkups where their genetic compatibility with the fetus is established. Then they are implanted once it's shown they are capable of carrying the child through all trimesters. The first three months are the most critical."

I don't know how much of this he believed, but I couldn't have come up with anything better. He seemed content and though I wouldn't have been satisfied with such an answer, I new more about this matter at the moment and thus, he had to accept it. I left Papa's place knowing I had a few more weeks to breathe before I had to report again. I knew the undercover officers would place someone to keep Dr Hannoh under surveillance. I was quite sure he would be constantly watched from now on. And just as I suspected, by the time I got home, you had received a message from X-breed.

I am not surprised to be the one having to further investigate Dr Hannoh. Well, who is better suited than me, right? I work in the same building. I know that there is someone working in the lab who could be used for the very same purposes, but Dr Hannoh does not hire or let in just about anyone barge into his dominion. I am less of a threat for I don't even have to show my face in the laboratory. I can cross through wires and signals as long as they have an address in the electronic world.

I did, however, reply to X-breed warning him about following me around again. I think he understood, for the only thing I got in return was a lame "Deal". I know he's lying, but at least he knows that I have more experience than him and he shouldn't take me for a fool. The problem is, Artemisia, that some people think working for a Blondie softens you, but it is quite the contrary. I started living when I met with Iason, but that life was either roses or barbwire. There was nothing in between and then during the years with Riki, it was just barbwire. Riki was Iason's everything and I know that if Jupiter wanted it so badly, she could have recreated him as he was. But not his soul. It was all of those crazy little moments and experiences through life that creates the complexity of the individual not the empty shell of a body. A clone will never be the same. And neither was I ever since Hazall and the assassination attempt of Iason. From tonight on, I will dust off the gun I've kept locked up.


	26. Nowhere to Turn

**NOWHERE TO TURN: 4693-397**

I have come to the realization that the best way for me to spy on Raoul was by using the only window of opportunity that he has provided me with through his letter. If he was jealous of Trithorax, then maybe he was more willing to divulge secrets if I got more under his skin. Would that be ethical, Artemisia? I mean, if he really is a thug of the sort who would traffic with his own kind and with little kids, then he deserves this, doesn't he? I mean, Papa is right. Sacrifice hurts.

I sent an email to Trithorax this morning, asking him to meet me in the chat room around nine tonight. I want to talk to him. There are so many things I need to hear his opinion on. About the recording, the girls, the whole mole business, the dream I had about him, saying his name out loud… all those crazy things, including Papa Downs and X-breed... by Jupiter's grace, my dream about Raoul too. I don't know how he will take that. Perhaps I should shut up about it.

_BlueBunny logged on 397: 20'55 Magellan Firewall opens portal KJNDB-897349-493._

_Trithorax logged on 397: 20'57. Magellan Firewall opens portal IGBHL-3682-9932._

_BlueBunny_  
Oh, I have missed you so much, love. I am so glad to see you here I really, really need to talk to you before I go crazy here. Two minutes seemed like an eternity before you logged on.  
_  
Trithorax_  
Hi. Love? Wow, what a reception. I like that. I could have you say that to me all night. :D

_BlueBunny_  
Love?

_Trithorax_  
Yes… I never get tired of it. I am sorry, by the way.

_BlueBunny_  
About what? :-/

_Trithorax_  
About not being here for quite some time. About not having time to chat other than through emails. I have been caught up in something.

_BlueBunny_  
Oh, yeah? Caught up in what?

_Trithorax_  
Unfortunately, not in something good. I friend of mine is from a pretty good family. His sister was taken to the Pet Academy when she was about 10. Everything was great, I mean she seemed to enjoy it too. You know all the pampering and the nice stuff they get and so on. Well, a few days ago she turned up dead. She was to be shipped away to Lord Issant. They had the burial yesterday and I was invited.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
Was she pregnant?  
_  
Trithorax_  
Um… yeah… How did you know?

_BlueBunny_  
It doesn't matter. This is so sick.

_Trithorax_  
I know… but at least I am glad I have you here. How are you?

_BlueBunny_  
So many stupid things have happened lately. I would really need to talk to you in private. Can you meet me at the cemetery?

_Trithorax_  
When?

_BlueBunny_  
Tonight.  
_  
Trithorax_  
I am a little tired tonight. It's been a long week. Tomorrow?

_BlueBunny_  
Please Tri. I am begging you.

_Trithorax_  
All right. I will do it, but don't leave me waiting for long this time.

_BlueBunny_  
I will get to you no matter what. And Tri… I have a small request.

_Trithorax_  
Isn't this a request in itself?

_BlueBunny_  
Please?

_Trithorax_  
sigh I can't deny you anything, can I? Well, tell me what it is.  
_  
BlueBunny_  
I want you to wear your training kit and nothing underneath.

_Trithorax_  
laughing BB, it's freezing outside.

_BlueBunny_  
Please.

_Trithorax_  
Fine. Can I at least wear some shoes?

_BlueBunny_  
Shoes and trainers and something warm for you. See you in a little while.

_BlueBunny logged off 397: 21'05 Magellan Firewall closes portal KJNDB-897349-493._

_Trithorax logged off 397: 21'05. Magellan Firewall closes portal IGBHL-3682-9932._

I will get ready to meet with Trithorax. I am confused, frustrated and I need to talk and to have some affection. I know I am crazy, but I've decided to give myself to Tri tonight. I wonder if he'll reject me? I can never have Raoul but I can love Tri. At least in this shady kind of way, at a distance and without faces. As I started speaking to him I remembered how much I really loved him. I am feeling so many emotions right now. I don't know when I'll be able to write to you again I guess you'll see when that happens.

* * *

**CONFUSION: 4693-398**

It's early morning. I'm already in at work, but no one else is here. I had left Trithorax at the motel and came directly here. I didn't sleep that much last night. I met with Trithorax at the cemetery just as planned.

I was there first. The rain was in the air but only like a soft spray. The winds had stopped blowing and apart from the cold, it was quite a nice evening. I heard the footsteps of Trithorax approaching about half an hour after my arrival. He sat down behind me on the bench and I knew he would be searching for my hands above the back support. I lifted my hands and our fingers intertwined. It was our little erotic kiss and I really enjoyed feeling his skin like that.

"How are you, my sweet Bunny?" He whispered softly and with that he stole my heart. I had to gather strength to start focusing on my task. I opened up and we had a long talk. I told him everything. My findings about Dr Hannoh and the current trap I am in; having to spy and undermine my boss in exchange for my freedom in the future. I also told him about the meeting in Tashjian and my dream during which I spoke his name, and even about my warm feelings towards by boss when Raoul held me tight. I confessed that at that particular moment the most important people in my life merged into one and I couldn't keep them separate. I wanted to feel Raoul close, just as I had dreamt about Trithorax. He let go of a few nasty comments about me following my dick rather then my head, but I understood his sudden anger. He calmed very quickly, however, and his fingers were searching for mine again. To my surprised he wanted to hear more. More details, that is. What exactly was it that I had dreamt about and what was it I felt, either towards Raoul or towards him. I couldn't speak of my feelings, never have.

I stood up and started walking. I left him on the bench and I didn't acknowledge him even when I heard his voice calling for me. I stopped but didn't turn around. As I had expected, he began walked after me and when his footsteps were rasping against the asphalt, I kept on walking. It was like a game of hunter and prey. I walked way ahead and paused in between crowds until I was certain he was following me. I fought my way through a sea of people, closely hunted by the only hunter I was willing to be caught by. I only turned swiftly now and then to catch a glimpse of him. The hood of my jacket was masking my face in the darkness it provided, so was his. Whenever I halted so did Tri and he wouldn't move until he saw me take another step. I was almost like a game of lovers, the kind you read about in novels where the girl in her impressive gown runs through a maze of trimmed bushes of roses and juniper and is tirelessly pursued by her eager lover.

I ran across the street and stopped in front of a simple motel from where I shouted beyond the cars hovering in hundreds past us on both sides of the street.

"Wait a few minutes, then come in. You know what name to ask for."

I rented a room for the night. It was a simple little motel, but equipped with everything one wanted. These places were most often rented by youngsters on a drive-through or by adults needing a safe haven for lust and pleasures for a night or two. Oh yes, I've been here before and I knew that the rooms also had all the equipment needed for a successful night for all tastes. I stepped into the room and closed the blinders towards the city. It made the room pitch black and almost like a whole to another dimension. I took off my clothes with haste. I was hit by the thought that perhaps I shouldn't do this, but I didn't feel the same warning lights flash inside my head as I usually did. I wasn't unsure, although I was a bit insecure. I had left he door unlocked and just as I stepped out of the bathroom I heard Tri knock on the door. I stayed away from the doorway so that the light from the hall would not fall on my face and invited him in.

As soon as he closed the door, I attacked him with my kisses. I pinned him to the door and pressed my tongue inside his mouth. It was so delicious to feel so liberated from bonds. I tasted every sweet corner inside his mouth. I chased his tongue and lured into my mouth until he was moaning for me to give him more. Artemisia, he is such a good kisser. It burned. I ripped the clothes from his body, during which I was reluctant to release him with my lips. His hands were as eager as mine as he traced the length of my back with his warm palms and stopped at my bottom that filled his cupped hands. He pressed his body against mine and our sensual battle continued towards the bed. He covered me with kisses from the neck to the stomach but as I requested he did not continue past my hips. It didn't matter, every touch was like a separate little orgasm exuding from his hands. I was so excited. I hungered for something I had very seldom actually asked for. I had him lying on the bed and with fumbling hands and probing lips, I found his throbbing member. I didn't have to see it for I knew from before what it looked like, but I could taste it, swallow it, lick it and play with it as long as I wanted.

I heard his breath sometimes becoming irregular as my teasing was becoming too fervent. I stopped and attended to his thighs and stomach, petting until he calmed, then began the game all over again. I love his taste, his smell and the texture of every inch of his body. I loved his every touch, his every lustful sigh and every dirty little wish for me to satisfy him. I obeyed. Giving head to someone else has never been my favorite thing, but I let my imagination rule and made him enjoy every aspect of it until he filled me. I couldn't swallow, but he didn't seem to mind.

Tri pulled me up to his face and we continued kissing, caressing and tumbling around in the worn out bed. The blankets were quite soon in a heap on the floor. Usually, I get tense and a bit evasive when someone's hands and fingers are examining my portal, but not this time. I relaxed as much as I could, allowing for him to push one finger inside me as my hips began rocking, wanting him deeper. I rolled on top of him, straddling his hips and allowing for him to gain full access to me. It was really different wanting it so desperately as I needed it now. It was so different from being ordered as I had been in the past. I wanted more. He freed himself from underneath me and found his way behind me.

I was so overwhelmed with elation, I felt like my body was going to explode if I didn't get release. Trithorax licked my neck as he traced the length of my back with his hands. I grabbed hold of the pillows whilst his mouth moved along my back to my bottom. His teeth were deliciously sharp as he playfully bit my trembling muscles, and the feeling that swept over me as his deliciously cool and wet tongue circled me was beyond words. My body moved against my will. It swayed to catch and intensify every circle he completed over me whilst one hand was cupped around my groin, massaging and playing. I was so close to coming. He kept me on the edge, but before he had the chance to penetrate me, I turned and positioned him on his back. From the drawer beside the bed, I grabbed the single use lubricant this motel provided all guests with and attended both Tri and myself. I couldn't see his body, only a faint black silhouette, but my body remembered the movement as if I had been practicing it my whole life. I straddled his hips and sank down on his engorged penis. I felt like I would burst as the muscle stretched to its limit. It hurt me so badly in the beginning that I almost lost my appetite for sex. As if he almost sensed my aversion, Trithorax halted me in all my keenness and slowly inched his way in, supporting my weight with his arms so I wouldn't slide down too quickly. When he was fully inside me, I started rocking. Although the pain was present at all times, I was in need of release. I tried to position myself so that he would stimulate me with each movement. His occasional muffled moan excited me and I responded similarly to encourage his actions. I moved around, shifting and rocking but to no avail. Frustrated and angry, I threw my head back and exhaled my dejectedness.

I heard him panting in the dark below me; "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry." I sighed and got off his hips. I stumbled into the bathroom where I almost collapsed in bitterness and shame. This was what I always tried to avoid. I buried my face in my hands, and myself in self-pity just about when I heard Tri's voice through the door.

"B? Are you all right?"

I felt like crying and roaring at the same time, but I responded with a meek voice.

"No."

"B, please. Just give me another chance. I know you hate being penetrated…"

"I don't hate it." I interrupted. "I just want to be able to do it too."

And it was true. I was more of a giver than a receiver. I longed so much being able to push myself inside someone. He asked me to come out and give him another chance. I am glad I managed to persuade my stubborn head to give in.

He overwhelmed me with his kisses that were burning my lips and neck like lava. I wanted him so badly still that I forgot all about the pain. I was insatiable but the fact remained that I was incomplete and incapable to feel the full extent of his offerings. We gave it another try, and though I was really eager to feel him and explore my own desires, I failed again. I stopped responding to his kisses and turned my head to the side as he distanced himself – supporting himself on his elbows. He asked me if he did something wrong. I panted beneath his heavy body and just shook my head. I knew he wouldn't be able to see it, but sometimes when you are so connected to someone, eyes are not even needed.

"Bunny, there has to be a way, and now that I have you in my arms, I am not letting you go… even if it takes me the entire night. Do you understand?"

His determination was so familiar in some odd way. I knew at that moment that there was no escape or reasoning. Besides, he brought up the very subject I wanted to avoid. Toys. It was a disgrace and I was ashamed. I could only come with the use of toys, but for him it was just a spice to his adventure.

"Open the top drawer." I sighed and he took out the vibrator. It was in a plastic-wrap, disinfected and ready to use. I heard as he tore the wrap open. I knew he was smiling, but I wasn't amused even if he tried to assure me there was nothing to be embarrassed about.

"If you were in my shoes, you'd be embarrassed too."

In the comfort of the darkness I grew brave enough to open my legs for him and the soft hum of the vibrator came to life. Then he asked me the most peculiar question.

"You want me to lick you the same time?"

"No!" I reacted in panic and put my hands around his face. As I calmed, I tried to explain. "I don't shave and apart from that… I can't let anyone touch me there. At least not yet, Tri."

I have to tell you, Artemisia, despite all my whims, demands and inhibitions, Trithorax didn't lose patience with me. The vibrator slipped inside me, maximally teasing my prostate until I stained and soaked the sheets beneath us, screaming his name. Trithorax threw himself lying next to me and I could hear the bliss exuding from his every breath. He was pleased knowing he had made me climax and rolled on top of to cover my lips and neck with kisses.

"Did you enjoy it, Bunny?"

I inhaled my breath as I tuned in on those sweet words and I asked him to repeat it again. I ran my fingers over his face and wrapped my arms around his strong body to hold him tight.

He said; "I think I really love you, B."

We were pretending again… and it felt so good. It was my little heaven for a night. I left my sweet Trithorax before the Sun came up. The room was still dark when I kissed him goodbye. We agreed we had to do this very soon again.

Oh my. I've taken two hours from my work just to write this down. I hope no one has noticed. I had a great night last night, yet I feel so empty, Artemisia. No matter where I turn I seem to be in the middle of a terrible storm. I didn't tell you and not Tri either, but at times Raoul's face did flash before my eyes as Tri took me and used my body to satisfy himself. It's confusing and I feel trapped. It makes me feel even more traitorous and dirty knowing I will have to play Raoul. And thought part of me says it is wrong, I still want to do it… just to feel his body next to mine. What's happening to me?


	27. Changing Apartment Again

**Changing apartment - again: 4693-399**

Raoul came in a bit late today. He was radiant in his winter suit. He had a thick coat with a fur collar that framed his pretty face. His nose was a bit pink and his cheeks were clearly nipped by the cool air outside. He gave me a sweet smile and took off his coat. I expected him to slam it on my desk along with his briefcase, as he usually does, but he only asked for a cup of café au lait, no sugar!

Fine. I went in and he asked me to join him in the sofa. I had no coffee, but he offered me coffee liqueur and I took it. I know what you are thinking, my lovely Atremisia, it's too early in the morning. Yes, it is, but I played the pitiful fool and as I suspected Raoul asked me what was troubling me. I presented to him my annoying flat mates that were bugging me a bit too much to give me a good night sleep. One of them had his boyfriend there since a few weeks back. He is fairly timid, which I hate in a guy, but apart from that they are like rabbits and loud. They go to parties, come home with a bunch of people and they end up making a ruckus till the morning.

Raoul sat with his legs crossed, casually leaning back in the sofa and nodding like an understanding parent. He was really adorable. His unruly, curly hair was getting longer and the corkscrews were being stretched out around his face, making it more straight and typical of Raoul Am's appearance. The length was merely brushing against his shoulders and I sincerely hope he won't ever let it grow long again. I told him that.

"You sure?" He asked me with a smile. I allowed myself to touch his hair as I moved closer. I know it was a bold approach, but he didn't reject me. I was careful not to get too eager and just brushed against the very curve of his earlobe as I raked my fingers through his hair. And if I am not mistaking, he enjoyed it. His eyes narrowed in the way a puppy peers when you scratch it behind the ears. Wow, I love puppies and Raoul was just like a wolf cub. I guess he is in some ways. That was when I dropped the question to him.

"Raoul, I know it's your place, but do you think I could move back to your condo until I can find a place on my own?"

He spoke in a hypnotic tone as he agreed without dispute. I felt so proud that I could make him enjoy my touch, but also guilty to use him like this.  
I felt so warm by his kindness, I just wanted to hold him close and kiss him, but I refrained from any further physical contact. It was wrong of me though, for I felt I really wanted to get closer to him. I followed my instincts when it came to Trithorax, why couldn't I do that with Raoul?

Well, Artemisia, I smiled with a nod and left the office when I emptied my glass. I am a jerk, huh?

I went around feeling guilty all day. I simple thanks wouldn't kill me would it. I cast a few smiles at him as he passed by my table when he was walking in and out of his office, but I still couldn't bring myself to communicate with him. So, Artemisia, what happens when you boil something in an enclosed compartment? It blows up. Well, my guilt was bubbling inside me all day and when we reached the end of the day, I waited for him until it was time to go home. We met in the elevator. Raoul was the one to break the silence first.

"How was your day?"

I lifted my head, pierced Raoul with my gaze and threw myself at him. I kissed him fervently as I pressed him against the wall. He was so surprised he couldn't even defend himself against my endearing attack. It was so wonderful and I don't regret a thing. I was as hungry as I had been with Trithorax last night. My hands were digging underneath his neatly arranged shirt, which was a mess after my adventure. I think he even lost a few buttons. Our lips were glued together until we reached the bottom floor. I rubbed my body against his and to my surprise I got a response. He held me close and probed my mouth with that curious tongue and he was like a God. He really turned me on. I had not expected that really. I thought he would be like kissing anyone else, but no…

I panted the words; "Oh, Raoul… take me…"

I can't stop laughing as I think about this sudden wish. He was speechless. He distanced himself staring at me with those large emeralds. He looked like a kid reading quantum mechanics. There was this huge question mark hovering above his head. In that split second the elevator doors opened and we stumbled out, all dizzy, hair and clothes in a mess, and both of us utterly confused. What the hell had just happened? He arranged his shirt and closed his coat, I pulled the zipper up on my jacket and raked my fingers through my hair.

We stood outside the grand glass building and waited for Raoul's ride. I was going to go to my own home. We parted without saying much more and wished each other a nice evening. For some reason I was happy like crazy. I still am. I will call Raoul. Just for fun. Don't worry; I'll have the call monitored for you.

_Call connected through Skylink; monitoring extension number +46 70247 6711, address book match; Raoul Am (home).  
_  
_Raoul Am (home): _Yes?

_Sender:_ Hi Raoul, it's me.

_Raoul Am (home):_ Katze?

_Sender:_ Yes. How are you?

_Raoul Am (home): _What a surprise to hear your voice on the line for a change. I'm quite content, thank you. Had a nice meal and I'm relaxing with a novel. And you?

_Sender: _Oh, I'm just sitting with Artemisia and typing on her.

_Raoul Am (home):_ Artemisia? Who is that, may I ask?

_Sender: _It's my computer. I name each and every one of them. They are my friends, you see. When human contact ends, the virtual one begins and it makes me feel much safer at times.

_Raoul Am (home): _Understandable, my dear Katze. If your human contact consists of kissing people unexpectedly the way you did today, the wrong person might slap you silly for it.

_Sender: _Guess I was lucky today then for not being slapped silly. Or maybe it was the right person I kissed?

_Raoul Am (home): _Hmm… well… I did enjoy the moment, rather. Though it was very unexpected. And speaking of which, what was that little request that slipped from your lips, my dear?

_Sender: _What request?

_Raoul Am (home):_ Oh don't play with me, Kat, you know what I am referring to.

_Sender: _No. I really don't know what you mean.  
_  
Raoul Am (home): _Liar.  
_  
Sender: _I know. I just want to hear you say it.

_Raoul Am (home):_ Kat! For goodness sake. What has happened to you?

_Sender:_ Oh, c'mon Raoul. You can take those words into your mouth, can't you? You've had dirtier things in your mouth before.

_Raoul Am (home):_ How dare you!

_Sender:_ You make me laugh, Raoul.

_Raoul Am (home): _I beg your pardon?

_Sender: _Stop playing. I know you like talking about sex. And I also know you liked what I did today. I bet if the elevator would've had two more stories to go, you would have done to me what I requested.

_Raoul Am (home): _You cheeky little bastard.  
_  
Sender: _Raoul… I can hear you smiling on the other side. I can even see it in my head the way you bite your lips and try to keep yourself from giggling.

_Raoul Am (home): _You are wrong, Katze. I am not amused by this crude approach.

_Sender: _Oh yeah? Then turn on your monitor.

_Raoul Am (home): _No.

_Sender: _Coward.  
_  
Raoul Am (home):_ Excuse me? Just how much freedom do you think you can allow yourself when you speak to me?

_Sender: A_s much as I want.  
_  
Raoul Am (home): _You are crossing a very dangerous line here, my dear.

_Sender:_ Then hang up. Hang up if you don't like the conversation.

_Raoul Am (home):_ Katze, are you drunk?

Sender: I drink much less than you, Mr tight ass.  
_  
Raoul Am (home): _Tight ass?! Katze, you are drunk. I'm hanging up.

_Sender: _All right. I'll just call you right back up again.

_Raoul Am (home): _What is it you want?

_Sender: _What was your first thought when I asked you to take me?

_Raoul Am (home): _All right Katze. Let's talk about sex.

_Sender:_ So answer me.

_Raoul Am (home): _Fine. I was surprised and… I thought that it would be a nice experience. I was thrown back to the night last week, when you climaxed lying next to me.

_Sender: _Oh yes. That was a huge embarrassment to me.

_Raoul Am (home): _I don't know why. I loved it. I wrote a letter to you and you didn't even bother to write back.

_Sender: _Sorry.  
_  
Raoul Am (home): _So, before we start talking about me, let me ask this of you. What were your thoughts when you read my letter?

_Sender: _It turned me on. I wished you had touched me. I know it didn't seem like that at that moment, but when I read your letter and thought back, I really wished for you to be there.

_Raoul Am (home): _That was very honest of you, Kat. You are playing with me now, aren't you?  
_  
Sender: _No, Raoul, I'm not.

_Raoul Am (home): _So that kiss of yours in the elevator today, was that true as well?

_Sender: _Raoul, you know that I am a good liar. You also know I never show feeling just for a play. Have you ever heard me talking like this before?  
_  
Raoul Am (home): _No, I haven't.

_Sender: _So, why do you think I am lying now? Were you honest about wanting to be the one to pull those feeling out of me?

_Raoul Am (home): _I was honest. Yes.

_Sender: _Well, your wish came true today, yet you didn't ask me to follow you home.  
_  
Raoul Am (home):_ It would have been far too dangerous, sweetheart.

_Sender: _Why? Because you wouldn't have been able to keep your hands off me?

_Raoul Am (home): _Yes. And since we are coworkers… better yet, you are my employee… I really think we should keep a professional relationship.

_Sender:_ And if I refuse?

_Raoul Am (home):_ Why would you do this to me?

_Sender:_ Because I am tired of tiptoeing around you and not being able to act on how I feel. I am tired of not being able to feel, Raoul. You have all you ever pointed at, but it cost me a lot to be and live among Blondies. You took a part of my life away from me. Iason paid me well, yes, but I am not so sure it was worth it. Not anymore.

_Raoul Am (home):_ Why?  
_  
Sender: _Because, I want to be able to feel again.

_Raoul Am (home): _And you think I am the person to do that? What about your friend, Tri?

_Sender: _I don't know, Raoul. But I am not intending on hiding anymore.

_Raoul Am (home): _So what happens now?

_Sender: _Now, we will hang up and forget about this conversation.

_Raoul Am (home):_ Wait, Kat, why this sudden change?

_Sender:_ Because, I realized how wrong this was. I'm sorry. Just forget it. This was stupid.  
_  
Raoul Am (home):_ No, Katze, wait. It's not….

_Skylink disconnected call._

This call was so pathetic. I shouldn't have listened to my impulse. This is what happens whenever I try to break free from the way I am and be more emotional or whatever you call it. It didn't take long before Raoul made an attempt to call me back. But I didn't answer. My damn voice mail was on though.

_One missed call registered 4693-399 19'22: extension number +46 70247 6711, address book match; Raoul Am (home)._

_"Katze, it's me again. I know you are there so just listen. I am sorry if this call has turned out badly for you, but I don't understand you sometimes. Your emotions are like a rollercoaster these days. I have tried to get close to you, but you clearly showed you didn't want me close so I gave you space to breathe. I don't know what else to say. I have dreamt about you too and I wished for you to be there when I opened my eyes. I really like you and these feelings are new to me too. It is against all that a Blondie is allowed to feel and it is very awkward. I find myself doing and thinking things I have never imagined I would be able to. Anyway, as much as I possess feelings towards you, I don't think it is right to act on it. Not now. Things are just too tense for me at the moment. Are you going to pick up the phone, Kat? All right, sleep well."_

I'm reading through our conversations and I am surprised to see what things I've been talking about. Was it my voice telling Raoul to take me or was it just the aftershock of Trithorax playfulness? I don't know anymore. I have to get a grip on myself. Luckily, I have a half a bottle of scotch left and two more packs of cigs. The night is young still and I have enough time to drown my idiocy.


	28. Spy Script and Xbreed's letter

**Spy-script: 4693-400**

It's just 10'11. I have just come back from level 253. Not much to say. I went there just casually strolling around in their cafeteria. I saw Dr Hannoh having his coffee break. I saw him as he walked up to the vending machine and he was actually buying something from it. That was odd. I never thought a Blondie would do that. Iason would've never allowed himself to sink that low… although he did hit the bottom of society at the end.

I watched his motions, his way of sipping on that coffee, the way he read each page of the 'Journal of Medical Science', and the way he scratched the bridge of his nose where the glasses have made a small furrow. He has yellowish eyes, not like Iason or Raoul. I guess he is a second class Blondie as some of the higher casts say. But he has a gentle face. In fact, gentle enough for me to feel almost sorry for having to sell him out to the cops. His long blond hair was arranged in a plaited ponytail resting against his shoulders and intertwined with leather straps that decorated and protected it. His long robe was as impressive as those Raoul uses every day. I am baffled how these Blondies manage to keep their gloves so white and spotless throughout the day. I watched as he finished his coffee, exactly in 28 minutes and then opened his office door 30 minutes after he left the office. Wow, punctual I'd say. I noticed his office is well guarded by two officers and well coded too. I don't even know how many digits he entered, but it sounded like MANY.

I returned to my office, and picked you out. You see my darling, Artemisia, I will have to use you to find a way into Dr Hannoh's computer. So, you'll have to be my accomplice in this. He can lock me out through his door, but not though the ether.

What should we call this little bug, my darling? Oh, I know…"NEWBORN"

_BEGIN..._

_ℑchr ( 0 .. 191 ) ℑentity '#' . chr chr ℜchr; 167; 175 allow  
Access CFCIntranet GENMOD, Cypher platform  
ℑControl isolated entity /EXT 3769209-253  
USERNAME ITHDr Hannoh_

_INFUSE_

_titleNEWBORN/title  
LINK"TXT.FXTInvade" VLINK"℘35AA86" ALINK"℘;/℘Invade.fxt"  
A FXTAPIX"#NEWBORN"newborn℘/a /  
A FXTAPIX"#PLATFORMCYPHER"platformcypher℘r/a /  
A FXTAPIX"#CYPHER.NIX"cipher.nix℘/a /  
A FXTAPIX"#BUILDSHADOW"buildshadow℘/a  
/h3  
Create ghost identity APIXghostlevel6/APIX._

_Linger: " ˃ Ä Ghostidentity 1-749; random order  
ITERATEINVADER  
A NAMENEWBORN  
GHST.SRC"/shdowland/fxt/newborn.icp" GHT""  
Newborn  
GHST DORMANT"/ shdowland/fxt/newborn.icp" GHT""_

_INVTYPE INFUSE-∞  
!INTRANET GENMOD "-/LJGO/INT VERSCANRES/KT"  
ENGAGENOW_

_INVTYPE INFUSE-stop on command  
!DOCTYPE INTRANET GENMOD "-/LJGO/INT VERSCANRES/KT"  
ENGAGEwhen command given_

_I  
BLOCKACCESS  
SHDLGHST  
DOCK .. APIX Dr Hannoh  
/EXT 3769209-253  
/I  
/FIREWALLMagellan  
TXV  
LI  
A FXTAPIX"/Newborn/VBAN/blockbusterMagellan"  
FXTAPIX "full modules file_

_END ALL_

Time to have a lunch break, Artemisia.

I met with Raoul during my lunch. He sat down in front of me, asking Gillian to leave us for a private conversation. I wish he hadn't. I was in no mood to discuss yesterday's little blunder. Yes, he did touch upon the subject.

"You have been avoiding me today," Raoul started and I agreed with a shrug. "I was hoping we could perhaps remain friends still." He continued, but then I couldn't stop form keeping the words inside.

"We have never been friends, Lord Am. You have always kept a distance to people like me. I can't remember a single time you actually spoke to me during my time with Iason."

"Why are you bringing up those times? I thought you had noticed I have changed too. I am speaking to you now and after all, it was me taking up contact with you. It was me asking you to come and work for me…"

"And it is you rejecting me now." I threw in and he just sighed.

"You have another lover. Isn't that enough for you, Katze?"

I felt like slapping his face; "Was one ever enough for you, Lord Am?"

He nodded, not because he answered 'yes' to that question, but because he acknowledged me hitting right on the spot. No, ONE has never been enough to satisfy Raoul. Not of anything. If he wanted us to keep a distance, then fine!

"Why are you sitting here, Lord Am? What is it that you want from me?"

Without a word he left his seat.

Everyone has left. I am alone in the office. I thought I would test run my script and see if I can get inside Dr Hannoh's computer. It's an easy script but I'll have to add to it as I go along.

The first part is done. I am inside the ethernet and isolated the entity of Dr Hannoh's computer. Ah, and there we have our first little obstacle. His security code to unlock his hard drive. I don't even know how many digits it is. Well, darling. I'll have to engage your device central CodeAccess to figure it out for me. I'll go and grab myself a cup of coffee. Be back in a while honey.

All right, let's see what you have for me.

"Argonaut74932TRXGGold"

Now this is the freakiest password I've seen in years. What the hell is an Argonaut? No time to think about that now.

I have been digging on his computer for about two hours now. I am tired and bored and I don't know if this is all worth the effort. Anyway, I think I have found some files regarding the patients he has treated during the past five years and that should mean most of the disposed pets found dead should be mentioned in all those registries. I shall send the whole bunch of data to X-breed and hopefully shut his mouth for a while.

I did find something else though. The same file that Raoul wanted me to collect when he had the meeting, but it had nothing to do with ABEL. It is a file called TrxG. I wonder what that is. It hasn't been updated since 388, which means at the weekend of that conference at Tashjian. It must have been something Raoul sent quite recently. I can't open it and you seem to choke on breaking the code to open it. It says corrupt file each time I try to access the folder and your virus scanner boots in, blocking your entire processor. I think I will have to go through Raoul's computer to try to open this one. It's also the same series of letters as in Dr Hannoh's password. What the heck is TrxG?

* * *

**X-breed's letter: 4693-401**

I didn't expect to receive an email so soon. It's only been a day. Damn the police are fast when needed. Where was their speed at other times when those poor Pets were left to rot? Why couldn't they track them down just as quickly?

No matter. Here is the letter X-breed sent me.

"Katze,

I want to congratulate you on your success and in retrieving the medical journals for several of the pets we have found discarded. The ones we suspect are still alive are under surveillance and we have put in extra effort to locate them and make sure they will not suffer the same fate. It is difficult, however, due to the fact that we do not want to raise suspicion as yet. For if the files are destroyed before we can find any connections to Raoul Am, I am afraid we will not be able to bring these dealers down. So far, we have the names and the connection to the Tanagura Medical Center, but not to Raoul Am.  
We need more information.

Regarding your question of the other moles inside the medical center. I am sorry I cannot disclose such information. As you know it is just as much for their safety as yours. You shall remain unknown to each other until further notice.

Regards

X-breed"

By lunchtime, another note was left on my table saying I should contact Papa Downs. But something else is worrying me. Dr Hannoh, who has never been seen in our office just took a few very determined steps into Raoul's office. He looks quite pissed off. Time for me to delete the script honey and disconnect you from the ether.

Damn! Hannoh has been in Raoul's office for an hour now and by judging from the tone of voice seeping through the Ectobar glass wall, he is really, really angry. Oh, fuck! IT-personnel are up here. Deleting all traces of your address on the Ethernet and shutting you down. You were not here yesterday!!

I am so weak. I just got home. It's very late and the whole department has been taken apart. It's bout 22' right now and I am so high on adrenaline that I can't eat, drink, sleep or even breathe. My stomach is really upset. I was really careful but I guess security got a little tip from Jupiter that there was something disturbing the company grid. They took apart our computers. Personal laptops as well as stationeries owned by the company. They found nothing, but they knew the invasive ghost came form one of our own IP addresses. I was really nervous, but as always I pretended to be the fool and know nothing. I felt Raoul's stinging gaze on my neck the whole time my station was being scanned and my global history was analyzed. They even scanned my desk for projectable keyboards in case I was using a virtual computer instead a mechanical one. Those are most often used in the labs to avoid contamination of equipment. Keyboards are projected on any flat surface and the projector registers the keys pressed. It's an old technology but works better at high-level contamination units than these stationeries where radioactivity or electrostatic discharges can damage equipment. Well, they found nothing at my desk, but I saw that Raoul was not pleased. Sure enough, he called me into his office.

Dr Hannoh was there too. There was a nail-biting tension in the room and my heart was pounding violently in my chest. I was expecting to be showered with retribution for my indecorous behavior. Raoul seated himself across Dr Hannoh who was watching me with a burning gaze. His yellowish eyes were terrifying the way they flashed like something fiendish.

"Katze, as you know we have had a little problem. Someone has breached our security portals and tapped into Dr Hannoh's computer and copied some files."

"Oh?" I acted the fool and looked at the Blondie next to Raoul. He was so furious he could have struck me down at the slightest command. Raoul went on.

"How long were you here last night, Katze?"

Of course, they couldn't tell, for I had tampered with the registration of the code key. Everything that was in an electronic from was far from safe from being corrupt. I could lie and say whatever time I wanted, but I chose to tell the truth. I don't know why. It made more sense.

"I was here until sometime after ten."

I saw that Raoul was surprised I had given such an answer for it placed me in the line of the prime suspect.

"Really? Were you here with someone else?"

"No. I was alone ever since you left, Lord Am. No one else came or went."

"How come we couldn't register any time point on your card?"

For that I had to come up with a lie.

"I followed with the patrolling security. He came by just checking if everything was in order, so I decided to go with him. Am I under suspicion for something, Lord Am?"

He smiled with a stale complexion, but his eyes were ever so serious – frightful. "Of course not, my dear Katze."

Oh, he was such a terrible liar and that would be evident on our way home. I knew I had no chance of getting into Dr Hannoh's computer again in a long time. Security would be very high and they knew the perpetrator was someone from within, and everything was pointing at me.

Raoul caught up with me when I was on my way home. The elevator was empty when I stepped inside but a large hand smacked right against the doors as they were about to close. I jolted with fear as Raoul joined me and all of a sudden, an elevator made for over fifty people, seemed ever so crowded. Raoul's presence pushed me up against the wall and about half way down to the ground level, he pressed the stop key and the elevator halted; hovering on its magnetic rails about a thousand feet above ground.

Raoul grabbed me by the throat and slammed me against the floor, nailing me to it.

"Now you listen to me, Katze. I don't know what the hell you are up to, but if you trespass again, I will make sure you will be destroyed. You know nothing of what suffering is like. I will rob you of everything you hold dear make sure your days will be nothing but endless pain."

Tears were falling from my eyes, not only from the fear, but the anger and the humiliation and the pain I already felt. It had hurt more than he could have imagined to be the traitor of someone who had trusted me as much as he did.

"All you need to do is to turn your back on me and you have achieved your goal." I managed to stutter.

For some reason he must have felt sorry for me. Raoul let me go and helped me to stand up. I couldn't speak, but I was really sad for him. I wanted to tell him what was going on, but I knew there was too much at stake. All those young Pets. Someone had to be held responsible… even if it was him.

"Was this the reason to why you had this stupid phone call with me the other day?"

Yes, it was, but only to a small extent. The real reason was that I desired him, but the same time I had to use my feelings to do the unthinkable. To betray him. Still, I reacted with such discontent that it even surprised me. He hit spot on, but I felt so humiliated. Perhaps because I didn't want it to be true and I defended myself as if I had been innocent.

"Is that what you think?! Do you really think that I would have stayed after all you said to me? You say that my feelings are like a rollercoaster, well you are impossible to figure out. Tell you what!"

I slammed my card key into his hands.

"I resign! I don't want to have anything to do with you from now on. I quit!"

"No you won't!" He shouted and threw the card back at me. "I'm not buying your self-pity, you little trash. I know that there is only one person so damn good that he would not leave the slightest trace after him in the electronic world. Everyone has a signature, but I know only one who can cover up the tract to this extent. You!"

So there you go, Artemisia. I have my back clear for now. I can't quit for Raoul and I can't back off for X-breed. I am stuck. We'll see what happens the next coming days.

* * *


	29. Xbreed's letter

****

X-breed's letter: 4693-401

I didn't expect to receive an email so soon. It's only been a day. Damn the police are fast when needed. Where was their speed at other times when those poor Pets were left to rot? Why couldn't they track them down just as quickly?

No matter. Here is the letter X-breed sent me.

"Katze,

I want to congratulate you on your success and in retrieving the medical journals for several of the pets we have found discarded. The ones we suspect are still alive are under surveillance and we have put in extra effort to locate them and make sure they will not suffer the same fate. It is difficult, however, due to the fact that we do not want to raise suspicion as yet. For if the files are destroyed before we can find any connections to Raoul Am, I am afraid we will not be able to bring these dealers down. So far, we have the names and the connection to the Tanagura Medical Center, but not to Raoul Am.  
We need more information.

Regarding your question of the other moles inside the medical center. I am sorry I cannot disclose such information. As you know it is just as much for their safety as yours. You shall remain unknown to each other until further notice.

Regards

X-breed"

By lunchtime, another note was left on my table saying I should contact Papa Downs. But something else is worrying me. Dr Hannoh, who has never been seen in our office just took a few very determined steps into Raoul's office. He looks quite pissed off. Time for me to delete the script honey and disconnect you from the ether.

Damn! Hannoh has been in Raoul's office for an hour now and by judging from the tone of voice seeping through the Ectobar glass wall, he is really, really angry. Oh, ! IT-personnel are up here. Deleting all traces of your address on the Ethernet and shutting you down. You were not here yesterday!!

I am so weak. I just got home. It's very late and the whole department has been taken apart. It's bout 22' right now and I am so high on adrenaline that I can't eat, drink, sleep or even breathe. My stomach is really upset. I was really careful but I guess security got a little tip from Jupiter that there was something disturbing the company grid. They took apart our computers. Personal laptops as well as stationeries owned by the company. They found nothing, but they knew the invasive ghost came form one of our own IP addresses. I was really nervous, but as always I pretended to be the fool and know nothing. I felt Raoul's stinging gaze on my neck the whole time my station was being scanned and my global history was analyzed. They even scanned my desk for projectable keyboards in case I was using a virtual computer instead a mechanical one. Those are most often used in the labs to avoid contamination of equipment. Keyboards are projected on any flat surface and the projector registers the keys pressed. It's an old technology but works better at high-level contamination units than these stationeries where radioactivity or electrostatic discharges can damage equipment. Well, they found nothing at my desk, but I saw that Raoul was not pleased. Sure enough, he called me into his office.

Dr Hannoh was there too. There was a nail-biting tension in the room and my heart was pounding violently in my chest. I was expecting to be showered with retribution for my indecorous behavior. Raoul seated himself across Dr Hannoh who was watching me with a burning gaze. His yellowish eyes were terrifying the ay they flashed like something fiendish.

"Katze, as you know we have had a little problem. Someone has breached our security portals and tapped into Dr Hannoh's computer and copied some files."

"Oh?" I acted the fool and looked at the Blondie next to Raoul. He was so furious he could have struck me down at the slightest command. Raoul went on.

"How long were you here last night, Katze?"

Of course, they couldn't tell, for I had tampered with the registration of the code key. Everything that was in an electronic from was far from safe from being corrupt. I could lie and say whatever time I wanted, but I chose to tell the truth. I don't know why. It made more sense.

"I was here until sometime after ten."

I saw that Raoul was surprised I had given such an answer for it placed me in the line of the prime suspect.

"Really? Were you here with someone else?"

"No. I was alone ever since you left, Lord Am. No one else came or went."

"How come we couldn't register any time point on your card?"

For that I had to come up with a lie.

"I followed with the patrolling security. He came by just checking if everything was in order, so I decided to go with him. Am I under suspicion for something, Lord Am?"

He smiled with a stale complexion, but his eyes were ever so serious – frightful. "Of course not, my dear Katze."

Oh, he was such a terrible liar and that would be evident on our way home. I knew I had no chance of getting into Dr Hannoh's computer again in a long time. Security would be very high and they knew the perpetrator was someone from within, and everything was pointing at me.

Raoul caught up with me when I was on my way home. The elevator was empty when I stepped inside but a large hand smacked right against the doors as they were about to close. I jolted with fear as Raoul joined me and all of a sudden, an elevator made for over fifty people, seemed ever so crowded. Raoul's presence pushed me up against the wall and about half way down to the ground level, he pressed the stop key and the elevator halted; hovering on it magnetic rails about a thousand feet above ground.

Raoul grabbed me by the throat and slammed me against the floor, nailing me to it.

"Now you listen to me, Katze. I don't know what the hell you are up to, but if you trespass again, I will make sure you will be destroyed. You know nothing of what suffering is like. I will rob you of everything you hold dear make sure your days will be nothing but endless pain."

Tears were falling from my eyes, not only from the fear, but the anger and the humiliation and the pain I already felt. It had hurt more than he could have imagined to be the traitor of someone who had trusted me as much as he did.

"All you need to do is to turn your back on me and you have achieved your goal." I managed to stutter.

For some reason he must have felt sorry for me. Raoul let me go and helped me to stand up. I couldn't speak, but I was really sad for him. I wanted to tell him what was going on, but I knew there was too much at stake. All those young Pets. Someone had to be held responsible… even if it was him.

"Was this the reason to why you had this stupid phone call with me the other day?"

Yes, it was, but only to a small extent. The real reason was that I desired him, but the same time I had to use my feelings to do the unthinkable. To betray him. Still, I reacted with such discontent that it even surprised me. He hit spot on, but I felt so humiliated. Perhaps because I didn't want it to be true and I defended myself as if I had been innocent.

"Is that what you think?! Do you really think that I would have stayed after all you said to me? You say that my feelings are like a rollercoaster, well you are impossible to figure out. Tell you what!"

I slammed my card key into his hands.

"I resign! I don't want to have anything to do with you from now on. I quit!"

"No you won't!" He shouted and threw the card back at me. "I'm not buying your self-pity, you little trash. I know that there is only one person so damn good that he would not leave the slightest trace after him in the electronic world. Everyone has a signature, but I know only one who can cover up the tract to this extent. You!"

So there you go, Artemisia. I have my back clear for now. I can't quit for Raoul and I can't back off for X-breed. I am stuck. We'll see what happens the next coming days.


	30. News

****

NEWS: 4693-402

I don't know what I have done, but I must have shaken some foundations since there were some upsetting features on the news. I wasn't aware of it until I got an email from X-breed during the day (something which never happened before) telling me to log in on the local web news.

In short, Artemisia, the police sprung raids on three brothels near the borders of Ceres and the Triangle city of Kaayn. Both are rather dark cities but Kaayn was at least more prosperous with more investors than Ceres. One trafficking lord has been captured during a raid, and his name was connected to two of the dead victims found earlier in the harbor of Deben. I know what the police are hoping; that this guy will spill his guts and tell them how come two of the corpses were also mentioned in Dr Hannoh's medical journals. This was not mentioned in the news, other than that two of the victims in the brothels were patients of Dr Hannoh. I think I know the answer to that. I am sure this trafficking lord has people kidnapping cuties from the streets, selling them off to Pet Academies where they are trained, and equipped to please the upper classes… and to be transporter pods to unborn Blondies.

Things were starting to move. The communicators were flashing all day and we had strict orders NOT to answer any calls coming from the outside. I did as I was told. Raoul was really pissed off at me. He didn't say anything to me the whole day. He was locked inside his office and Dr Hannoh came by a few times.

I was relieved when the day was over and ran home as soon as I worked my nine-hour shift. But! I just turned on the news again. The bubble built up during the day had burst just as quickly as it appeared. It was a live execution on public and prime time broadcasting. The trafficking lord was to be transferred to the maximum secure unit and right in front of the transport vehicle, a bomb exploded, taking out at least twenty people; including the lord. So much for justice. So tomorrow everything will be back to normal I guess.

I have corked up another bottle of wine. I am out of cigarettes so alcohol will have to calm my nerves instead.

I have not spoken to Trithorax although he sent me an invitation to the chat room. I haven't felt like it. I had to stay away from him a while. I feel overwhelmed.

* * *

****

SCAPEGOAT: 4693-403

It's not even nine o'clock yet and the place is flooded with police. Apparently, a scapegoat to my deeds was found in Dr Hannoh's own lab. He was taken out in handcuffs and with a black hood over his head, heavily guarded by armed officers forming a rhombic pattern around the perpetrator to shield him from being attacked after yesterday's little blunder. So, that was the other mole. I wonder how many more there are in this place. I have my nerves on the outside and if I am not mistaking I am starting to lose weight, for my regular lunches have been interrupted by caffeine and cigarettes, and my dinners are mostly made up of alcohol.

I wasn't even given the chance to sit down at my desk before Raoul called me into his office.

"Seems like they have caught the person responsible for the computer intrusion and data theft."

I sighed with relief but I knew he wasn't buying it. However, as a smart little Blondie he was going to play along and give me some slack.

"The conference is in nine days. Here are your tickets and the key to the condo as promised."

He slammed them on the desk without even looking at me or lifting his gaze from the paper he was reading.

I asked; "Are you sure you want me to go?"

"I think we have already been through that, Katze."

I decided to step over the line again and kissed the tiny area of exposed skin as his hair parted on his neck, whilst he was leaning over the pile of paper. He flew up from his chair with burning eyes and slapped me. I accepted it and made another choice. Instead of leaving, I swiftly stepped up and kissed him. He tore himself from my lips and slapped me again. My anger flared and I slapped him back. His hair brushed over his face like a golden curtain and he was about to hit me a third time, when I caught his hand in the air and held it tight. For what seemed like eternity, we stared at each other. I wanted so badly to drift into his embrace; to be forgiven and held close. I wanted him to tell me everything would be all right, but all he said to me was; "Katze, get back to work."

* * *

****

PAPA DOWN: 4693-404

I was in his dark office again. Each time I was there the more I hated it. Once a refuge and an inspiration to new ideas on how to rule the Black Market, now a prison cell. I hated it, but I had no choice.

"Yes, we had to sell out that mole. We had to get the suspicions off your back."

"Oh, do you really think Raoul is that stupid?!"

"No." He sighed and leaned back in his arm chair. "But at least it will give you more time to look through the database."

"I can't. Security is on max and the codes are being re-generated every day. I can't break it and get access to Hannoh's files. He has his eyes open. Besides, he doesn't have it at the office anymore. Most likely he sends his files to a security deposit at the PDB storage, which is on a backup server at the International treasury bank."

Apparently, Papa didn't know what the PDB storage was, so I had to enlighten him. I didn't care that I was potentially selling out billions of sensitive information at the same time.

"It's the profile data bank where sensitive or precious information is being stored just as heavily protected as the rest of the treasures in that bank. It was the most powerful bank on Amoi. The entire complex is like a fortress and the information can only be accessed if you have an account there and only your own stuff can be reached. Not even the bankers themselves can access everything, only what their specific client asks for. Of course, the law may have access to it…"

"If they get a warrant and have a case to support their curiosity."

"That's right. You can't get in there if you are only building up a case. You have to have a solid base to stand on before Jupiter gives you access. So forget Hannoh."

"So, we have to prevent information from going in to the bank." Papa smiled at me with his viciously white grin.

"No!"

I refused to be a part of it. He wanted me to redirect Hannoh's pathway from the PDB bank to a server standing outside the ether.

"It can't be done!" I hollered and stood up ready to leave, but his threats to have me thrown to the wolves made me sit down in that uncomfortable chair again.

"It can be done via a beacon." He said; I was hooked like a worm ready to be submerged into the dark waters where the predators were waiting to have me as bait. I knew it could be done and there was a beacon I knew of that could to it. It was almost too good to be true as well. It was close, it was secure and it was right under the nose of the very person leading the investigations against the data intrusion. Raoul's computer. However, I told Papa I knew not of any such beacon. He sent me on my way with the comment; "Find a way, Katze. Make it happen."

As always, I couldn't let a common thug have his last words over me and I demonstrated that I was still in more control than what they giving me impression of.

"Don't expect anything this year," I exhaled at the door with the grey fumes whirling out of my lungs. "We have an important conference to attend and as far as I'm concerned, he's still my boss who pays my bills. When you put me on a payroll and match his offer I'll speed things up. Meanwhile, you'll just have to wait."

* * *


	31. I need Trithorax

****

I NEED TRITHORAX: 4693-405

Nothing exciting happened at work today. It is weekend, but we still have to work due to the computer problems and the work that has been halted because of them. I am ashamed to look Raoul in the eyes. He hates me. I can see that. He hates me, and like a common prostitute all I want is to appease his ego and make him soften towards me. I need him and I need Trithorax.  
I wrote an email to him. Urgent! I needed to see him. I knew he was angry with me for not returning his emails, but I was begging on my hands and knees. He answered me in short sentences agreeing. I am getting ready now. See you later.

Trithorax was there when I arrived. It was the other way around for the first time. I didn't bother to sit down behind him. It was so dark in that cemetery that I couldn't discern his face under the hood and neither could he see mine with that cap on. I fell on my knees and placed my head in his lap… crying. Can you believe that? I was exhausted in my soul and I couldn't hold back anymore. I told him everything again. About my traitorous games, how I hated to lie to Raoul, my growing feelings towards him, me being caught in a trap and slowly being suffocated by the past that has caught up with me. And as always, he listened and comforted me. I was so sad. I soaked his trousers with tears and he held me close like a father. I felt lonely and abandoned like I had always been. Born to a prostitute mother who discarded me as a used up toy when I was eight and I have been roaming the streets ever since. He hadn't know about my mother or my past. Of course, I have never told anyone. I didn't remember much, just that she had red hair like me and used all kinds of drugs. I was lucky to be born healthy, but as messed up as my mind can be, I wonder if I did contract some illness from her wild life. Trithorax told me he doubted that, for in his eyes, I was the most complex person he had ever met. And he said it again; despite my whims and complexities, he still loved me.

"Do you love me?" He asked. I remained silent for a long time and then told him that I shared my heart between him and Raoul. I had to be honest. I told him that I knew it hurt to hear this, for he has given me all and I could only offer half. But I loved him so much I couldn't lie; not to Trithorax. I was silent. I didn't know what else to say, but he understood and held me tight as he slid down next to me in the grass, promising to offer me support till the day I became his alone.

* * *

****

MOVING AGAIN: 4693-406

I have moved into Raoul's apartment. He didn't come to help me move, neither have I expected it, but it did take me by surprise that he dropped by this evening. My colleagues from work who helped me had been long gone when Raoul appeared with a bottle of wine as a moving in present. I was really glad to see him and I asked him in. I didn't have any food but he had thought of that too and had bought some take away pasta on his way here. I must admit I allowed myself to get a bit drunk and I did so with the premeditated thought to become braver and to open up to him. He was in a better mood as compared to how he has been the past few days and I took advantage of that. I asked him how he felt towards me after all this mess and he tried to avoid answering by serving the dessert of baklava. I refrained from asking any more questions, but when it was time for him to leave, I did hold him back at the door by presenting a request. I could hardly hear myself asking him to stay; I don't know how he could hear me.

"Please." I bit my lip and stared at the floor. "I will sleep on the couch."

"No, Katze." Raoul answered me and closed the door. "I won't have you sleeping on the couch."

He is in the shower now, preparing for bed. I am really glad he is here. His place next to me in this grand bed is ready and gaping empty, waiting just as anxiously as I am. I hear the water being turned off. He'll be out any minute now. I am turning you off, Artemisia. Good night.

* * *

****

CHILDISH GAMES: 4693-407

Raoul left me an hour ago. We had a nice breakfast together and it's late afternoon. Yes, we had our breakfast quite late. We slept in, and it wasn't until eleven that I woke up. Raoul was still asleep. I watched him sleeping for a little while. You now, he has a habit of slightly chewing then flaring his nostrils before he releases a deep sigh and turns, or assumes a new position. It never fails. After a while I rang the concierge (yes, this condo is at a place that comes with such luxury) to order some fruit. When the large fruit platter arrived, Raoul woke up as well. His hair was in a mess that I had never seen before and it was charming beyond words, I tell you. Like some sort of a poodle.

"Yeah, that's what you get for listening to a youngsters opinion."

I smiled and offered him to eat some fruit. We lay in bed talking about basically anything, although we avoided everything that had to do with the gloomy everyday life.

"You didn't sleep very well last night." He said to me out of the blue. "If I had put you in a tub of cream you would have churned it into butter."

"Oh? Anymore embarrassing comments from me?"

"Just that you wanted me deeper, pushing harder and stuff like that." He said as he bit the strawberry in half.

"What?! Again?!" I was blushing, I could feel it.

He started laughing; "No, silly. I was just making fun of you."

I couldn't resist countering that. I said; "I bet you would have liked it though."

He watched me for a second, then said; "Yes, I would've."

I was drawn into kissing him, just like the sea pulls you down when your strength fails. It was deep and lasting and my body became feverish the longer I remained on his lips. Raoul made an attempt to stop me, but I wouldn't let myself be persuaded this time. I forced myself on him, just enough to quench his halfhearted endeavor to push me away. I had him in my bed and I wouldn't let him go; at least not without a little memory to keep. I snuck under the covers and traced my way towards his hips with kisses and caresses. By then, he had gotten used to the idea of letting me have my way. He opened up his legs and allowed me to attend his body. Images of the girls flashed before my eyes as I pleasured him and thoughts of Iason touching him fuelled a strange kind of anger I had never felt before. It was almost choking me and I had to stop. There was never any evidence that the two had ever been involved that way, but I know that they shared a unique friendship very few Blondies had. I remember the entire household Lord Mink was speculating about their relationship, but I was never bothered back then. Today, however, I was glad Iason was not alive to give me competition. I wanted Raoul for myself. I removed the cover and watched him smiling back at me. With one hand, he caressed the scar on my left cheek and his thumb slithered across my lower lip.

"What is it, pussycat?" Raoul asked playfully.

There was only one thing I wanted to know in response; "Do you hate me, Raoul?"

His smile was twisted into a beam as he cupped his hands around my face pulling me close, saying; "You are so stupid sometimes, pussycat. Of course not. Do you think I'd be here if I did?"

I shrugged and made a playful sound like that of a cat; "Meow."

He started laughing, playing along with the childish fable invention as he said; "Now, let the big bad wolf take care of the little pussy. Where is your scratch board, Kat?"

I was suddenly below his heavy body.

"If the big bad wolf is talented, we won't need any toys." I replied and the only response he gave me before we had sex was a crazy howling.

He left me satisfied and at peace. I needed this and if I am not mistaking, so did he. There was certain calmness in his face when we parted that I have not seen in a very long time. I think we needed this to measure up where we were in this crazy world. Even if it would last only for one day.


	32. Aaïryn

**PACKING FOR THE CONFERENCE: 4693-409**

Yes, we are leaving early in the morning, which means in a few hours, and in two days it's New Years Eve. I am really very, very excited about this. Packing for the conference and you know what, Artemisia? You will never believe this!! I was packing all the necessary stuff… as I was told to do. All the necessary stuff included my program, you, clothes, money, travel identity, the conference program… and… BUNNY!

Haha! He has been with me this whole time. I almost forgot about him, even though he's been looking at me from the cupboard across my room. He's been watching over me every night for quite sometime now. Of course, he is coming.

How come I had to take that freaking Bunny with me? So the great underground slave-dealer, never even twitching when sending people into hell, was bringing a Bunny to a conference. I think I'll let Raoul see it and ask him what he thinks.

I am at the airport. I know I am three hours too early, but I always like to stroll around and see what I can buy and things like that. Besides, for some reason stores always look more exclusive here even if they sell the very same things as the promenades in Tanagura. I've had my first cup of coffee. Oh, hey there's Raoul! Talk to you later, honey.

* * *

**ON OUR WAY: 4693-409**

Sitting on the craft. It's about a day's flight for us, so we will be late for the registration, but Raoul said, for someone like him it is expected to be fashionably late. The Aaïryn peninsula is on a neighboring planet and there is this Neh'rod ship that has regular connection twice a day to that place. The Neh'rods were fairly humanoid, and some also Pets to Blondies, but they were business people by heart. They provided with all kinds of luxury and whatever it took to sell their offers. Being a prostitute was just another business deal, it wasn't demeaning at all, hence Neh'rod Pets were extremely docile and were renowned for pleasing their masters in any way possible. Oh, I don't mind though. We are traveling business class and this lounge resembles that of any posh hotel I've been in. I could spend a lifetime in here. Very nice. Raoul has just gone to get some drinks for us. He is dressed in quite an impressive gown that sways and swishes to his movement. It has so many layers, that I would have problems breathing in it.

He has the undergarment, which is completely white and covers him from top to bottom and is only easily wrapped around his body. On top of this, he has the middle-wear, which consists of a golden colored, embroidered shirt, tucked in a black, high-waist silk hakama. On top of it all he has his colorful robe, which is an interesting mix of origins. It has a Nehru collar, and slimmed along the waist, but it is sways out at the bottom like a royal garment decorated with fine embroideries, which in itself is a piece of art. The over all color of the robe is deep green, but shades of dark blue and gold can be seen in the light as he moves. Raoul looks like a doll. You could place him in a window and people would just stare at him in wonder.

"No way." He protested. "What are you writing?"

"My diary."

"You write a diary, Kat?"

"Yes… look…"

"You write as I speak right now?"

"Yes."

"You are writing this very thing I say right now?!"

"Look…"

"Kat, you have too much time on your hands."

He is sipping on his drink looking at me with suspicious eyes.

"What are you writing now?"

"I just wrote your question and now my response."

"Oh you are crazy. Finish your drink and let's go shopping on the forth deck."

All right, Artemisia. I am turning you off for a while. I'll be back later on when we have settled down a bit.

Back. Raoul has dozed off next to me. I really had a nice time with him. Something really funny happened at the lower fourth deck. I did tell him that he looked like a doll and so we decided to put it to the test. I told him to go into that exclusive shop called Trésor and just sit down on one of the stand next to another mannequin and be still. It took some convincing but he finally agreed (when I told him, I'd give him a back rub at the hotel – oh, poor me, how I shall suffer) and did as I suggested. I was keeping the manager occupied whilst Raoul took his place next to a mannequin. He was completely still and it didn't take more then a few minutes before other guests were starting to observe this really impressive garment the doll was dressed in. Some even admired the doll itself. Some, especially females who are a bit more touchy-feely as compared to men, even felt the quality of his clothing and hair. That was quite all right with him. However, when a little spoiled brat with a huge scoop of ice cream came in along with his preoccupied mom, Raoul gave up his acting. The kid was standing there watching him and was just about to touch Raoul's robe with sticky fingers, when my sweet Blondie barked at him a fierce 'boo' and sent him staggering backward into a shop assistant, leaving a big, white, creamy mark on his trousers. It was hardly appreciated by the manager and both mom and kid were kindly asked to leave the store. I couldn't stop laughing.

"I told you, you were as flawless as a mannequin."

"Tell me something I don't know." Raoul smirked playfully, but clearly flattered by the indirect compliment through people's admiration. "I should have been placed close to the women's dressing room though."

"Raoul, you are a dirty mannequin."

We spent the rest of the time eating a nice dinner then watching a movie and now he is asleep next to me in a lounge seat. He looks very peaceful. I'm glad for his sake for this is a little refuge for both of us. An opportunity to nourish our worn out nerves back to health to be able to cope with the hell that awaits us when we return. I know this whole ordeal with the trafficking is far from over, but I prefer not to think about for this weekend.

I keep on thinking about Trithorax. He will be on the next flight, since he is only coming to celebrate New Years Eve with me. I am looking forward to that. There is a party island near Aaïryn only a short distance from the main peninsula. It is an artificial island built like a monstrous complex of over a thousand levels. It's like a small city with everything the imagination desires from the most liberated alternative sex to the most formal strict restraints, and from inter-species relations to monogamous privacy. It had it all on one and the same place. I am looking forward to meeting him again. I've missed him a lot. The question is, how will I tell Raoul I will not be with him during New Years Eve?

I got a message form him yesterday. He will look me up. I was asking how we will recognize each other, but he said I won't be able to miss his outfit. Well, I guess he wont miss out on mine either. Not that many men will be dressed in shades of red. He did call me Ruby Rabbit once, and since he loved redheads, I will dress in a way that highlights my natural colors. Granted, I'm not as well built as Tri, but I am fairly slim with broad shoulders and long jackets look good on me. I had a mixed history type of clothing. I loved the colonial era from the history books and decided to go with a white linen shirt with full drop sleeves and ruffles on the collar decorated with a breast pin. On top of that I shall be wearing a sleeveless waistcoat of red silk that reaches to the middle of the thighs as well as a velvet, ruby red coat of knee length and full skirted with pleats. Cuffs are over-sized and turned back to reveal the decorative lining. And what type of trousers am I wearing? Well, I am slim with not much muscle mass on my legs and believe me, knee breeches would look ridiculous on me. No, I decided to go with genuine black leather. For my face, I have just bought a regular, decorated red facemask form the theatre near by my place, which adapts to the contours of the face and covers the eyes and parts of the bridge of the nose as well as the cheekbones. So I'll be the red guy. I did send this description to Tri yesterday evening, just in case.

As you see, I have plenty of time on my hands for writing, but I think I'll stop for a little while at least. I have to get some sleep before we land.

* * *

**Aarïyn: 4693-410**

It's pretty late but it is so beautiful here, I could stay up just to marvel at the luxurious beauty of this place. When stepped off the craft and… wait let me go back even further. When the fiery clouds dissipated outside the windows once we entered the atmosphere, the most brilliant planet I've ever seen appeared before my eyes. It was like a little gem. The sea was so blue and the shores so white, it was almost blinding. There were large areas thickly wooded and the cities were basking like diamonds in the sunlight. I've never seen anything like it. I was glued to the window and Raoul had to literally pull me away telling me we had to get off the craft. The airport on Aaïryn was amazingly huge. It was extremely luxurious with a three stories high waterfall in the middle of it all and light shows were welcoming all passengers with an amazing variety of holographic flowerbeds, water creatures swimming in the grand complex and galaxies swirling above our heads. I was gawking like a fish in air and Raoul had to pull me a few times after himself for me not to get lost in that grand edifice. Well, if that was awesome, then the Dh'janta hotel Raoul had booked was breathtaking. It was simply something from a fairytale. The façade alone with the crystal columns, the marble statues and heavily decorated with sculptures of all sorts. The stairway to the entrance was like a grand portal into another world. One could easily line a hundred people next to each other across it and still have more then enough of room to move about. One stair step was white polished stone, the next black and so on, and each step had guide lights of small diodes illuminating the way. I am sure it is even more impressive at night.

The weather was warm and I was sure Raoul was being very brave in his massive robe. However, people did notice his dignity and lined our way with bowing heads as we entered the grand reception hall. I can't even begin explaining how extremely pampered we were. And the biggest surprise of them all was when Raoul announced his name and the concierge recorded our retina-scan to use that as a key for our doors. I then learned that I had an identical suite as Raoul… next to his own. I was so honored that I glued myself to his lips on the way up to our floor. I was so overwhelmed. He was trying to calm me saying we had a few busy days ahead of us, but I just waved it off. I didn't care if the world would shatter after a few days. I was in heaven right now.

I sent a message to Trithorax and received a mail. Apparently, he is already here. He wrote this to me.

_"Bunny, bunny, bunny…  
I am already here and I hope to meet with you soon. I know you will be busy during the days of the conference but don't forget the night of 412. We are spending New Years Eve together. I have saved up some days as I mentioned before (perhaps you forgot). I have been here for three days already, I just wanted to surprise you with it. I am staying at the Sÿmatran hotel, just a few blocks from yours.  
It will be the best New Years Eve ever. Now hop along and be a good boy for the remainder of this year.  
I love you, sweetheart  
Tri"_

You know, we don't even have to step out to the garage or walk more than to out apartment door in order to get into the hovercraft. Our craft is a part of the entrance like a tiny lounge with room for two armchairs and a control panel to enter the coordinates for the journey. Once we are seated in it, the inner doors close and the craft detaches form the building. It's so awesome. I want one on Amoi too. I'm turning the lights off now, but not because I am going to sleep. It's because I want to se the city of Aaïryn twinkling beneath me. My stomach is all tied up with millions of butterflies fluttering around inside me. I can't sleep and I find no peace of mind. I am so excited to be here.

* * *

**THE CONFERENCE - first day: 4693-411**

The conference had a pre-conference reception last night along with registration of those members who had arrived. They served some light snack and drinks, but we were too tired to go to that one. Well, we had our registration today and quite quickly Raoul and I had to split up to be able to catch the most of the work packages and seminars being presented.  
The conference is being held that Cashmere Conference Center. It was an architect from Cashmere who had the honor to build this one, hence the name for he was very patriotic. Nonetheless, this is the biggest center and the number of participants are above seventeen thousand. You can imagine the amount of money rolling into this island during these science fairs. Anyway, I have a slight break from my session for another ten minutes. I am collecting some pens and notebooks, as well as little teasers the companies are trying to impress future clients with. I got a whole load of storage discs for your platform, free programs for iterative quantum modeling design, which can come in handy when further designing my program. I have also some other items like key chains and actually a mug, which will be my personal coffee cup at work.  
I see Raoul from afar and he just gave me a slight nod. I know we don't have time to talk, but he is going to have his presentation at 16'45. I shall NOT miss that one. He looks so confident today.  
Well, time to go again. Talk to you later.

Back at the hotel, Artemisia. I have just returned and am about to jump into the shower and get ready for the dinner we are having tonight. I just wanted to let you know, Raoul had over three thousand listeners as he presented our program for molecular design. Wow he was the king today. You should have seen him. He was radiating on the stage and he caught every question in a way not even I could have done better. Seems like he has done his homework on programming. I was very impressed. He was moving around on the presenter's stage as if he owned them all and when the panel started asking their question he simply twisted them around his little finger with that charming smile of his. To his honor I ordered an extra large cream cake to his room. I am sure he is indulging in it right now. I know he loves those.  
Well, have to run. See you later.

Heeelloooo, Artemisia. I'm back. Writing is a bit slow... as is my head. I am too tired, too drunk and too stuffed with food. I wanna sleep. Short summary; great party. Night'.

* * *

**THE CONFERENCE – second day: 4693-412**

All right. I am really trying to hide my feelings right now, but I am high on elation. This is the second day of the conference and tonight is New Years Eve. I still haven't told Raoul anything about taking the early boat over to the party island tonight. The conference will end early today so that people will have time to go back to their hotels, have a little nap and to freshen up before the dinner and the party tonight. Well, needless to say I am so nervous about tonight, but I am looking forward to it. It will be the first time Tri and I will see each other live and in light – although masked. Well, it's almost eight in the morning. I am to meet Raoul at the reception in five minutes and then we are heading off to the conference.

First coffee break and good news. Well, sometimes life just smiles at you. I was about to tell Raoul that I had other plans tonight than to attend the conference dinner, but luckily I asked first what was wrong with him, for I had noticed that he was very quiet in the limousine. He seemed a bit reluctant to tell, but then asked if I would be very angry if I had to spend my time alone tonight. He had been contacted by Dr Hannoh and had agreed to have a heart-to-heart conversation regarding some very important projects. That took a heavy load off my chest, but I couldn't say that. I shrugged and said, I would think of something. So guess what. I am totally FREE tonight to do what I want!

Lunchtime. I saw Raoul run around with Dr Hannoh. That Blondie is not very fond of me I guess, so I am staying away as far as I can but my Blondie acknowledged me from a distance. I won't disturb them. Dr Hannoh seems to have a lot on his mind and Raoul has a grave expression. Well, I won't bother them. I see I have a mail from Trithorax that has just arrived.  
We are to meet at ten on the top floor and in the Garden. I can hardly wait for today's seminars to be over. Every minute is like an eternity.

I am in my room. I had the dinner taken up to my room. I don't have time to sit down and chat with people. I have about one hour to get ready and catch the boat to the party island. I have already taken a shower and throwing the food into me as I am writing. I just want you to get an idea of what is going on. Raoul was really sad having to abandon me today and has been apologizing about a hundred times today. He even had a fruit and cheese basket sent to my room as consolidation present. Sweet of him, but I am most interested in putting on my clothes and taking off. Give me twenty minutes.  
There we go. Dressed for success. Well, I am a huge fashion fan, but never really taken the time to exercise those fetishes in me. I often settle for my turtleneck but my time with Iason and Raoul has taught me a great deal. I know how to dress and how to combine color and cuts. After all, I was as Iason's guardian and co-worker representing him wherever I was doing his business. I had to look my best and give the impression of quality and panache, someone worthy of Iason's attention and matching his caliber.

I am so tempted to take a drink or two or have a cigarette, but I promised myself I would not. Tonight I want to stay sober and clear headed. Wish me luck. I am turning you off, and most likely not write anything else until tomorrow. Take a deep breath… I am on my way.


	33. A Fairytale New Year

_ HOPE YOU'LL LIKE THE PEAK OF THIS CONFERENCE... A FAIRLYTALE NIGHT FOR KATZE. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT. :)  
_

* * *

**A Fairy Tale and a New Year: 4694-002**

It's already the second day into the New Year and something I would say almost magical had happened. Magic… well, that was a bit romantic. No, I wouldn't say it was magical in that sorcery or witchcraft kind of way, but it was a time to remember for the rest of my life. Raoul is sleeping next to me, so I will write down what has happened.

On the evening of 412, I ran into Raoul at the reception with Dr Hannoh. I knew they were going to that conference dinner and I bid them farewell and wished them a happy New Year. Raoul was a bit stunned seeing me dressed up like that and with the mask in my hand. He asked me where I was going and I said that I was going to hook up with a few students from the conference and go to the party island. He smiled and wished me a great evening and made me promise to make a toast for him at the stroke of midnight. He said I was beautiful and right in front of Dr Hannoh, he gave me a kiss on the cheek. Now, I know that ten years ago, he wouldn't have touched me with a sixty-foot pole, let alone kiss me before another of his peers.

We parted with a smile, but he did have a tinge sadness and longing. I know he would have rather been with me than having to spend his New Year's Eve talking business, but as I mentioned to you before Blondies threw lavish gatherings now and then, and had no particular feeling towards a New Year's Eve party.

The boat docked at sea level to the island and I was guided through the arrival hall to the hovercrafts and elevators that reached to any destination wanted. I signaled for a hover to pick me up and transported me to the highest level where crafts were still allowed. From the seven hundredth floor, I was to take vertical elevator to the top floor where the garden was. I looked into the mirrors inside the elevator and put the mask on my face. I raked my fingers through my hair and so my fringe covered parts of the mask and my cheeks. I stepped out on the top floor and into a monumental dance hall. It was packed with people in all kinds of masquerade outfits; men and women from many different worlds. It was like stepping into a whole new universe of color, shapes and sounds and all the impressions were washing over my saturated senses. I was overwhelmed and a pretty girl dressed as a sexy little witch offered me a drink. I accepted the welcome drink and with it I swirled around, elbowed my way through the swaying crowd of sounds, movement, laughter and dance, and found the grand staircase that led to the balcony and the Garden.

I could hear the music dampen like when you put a velvet cloth over a vibrating string as I stepped out into the garden. It was a marvelous maze of trimmed bushes that reached for the sky in the shape of different creatures in artistic stances. I could smell the faint fragrance of the flowers brushing against my face like a delicate breeze. It was warm outside and the sky was decorated with billions of stars as if diamond dust had been tossed across black velvet. It was a beautiful night and I was full with anticipation. I went to the very edge of the balcony, and watched across the sea. I saw the city of Aaïryn at a distance light up the sky above it. I was drifting into my thoughts of poor Raoul, when I heard a familiar voice.

"You do look like a jewel tonight. A ruby."

I turned around, my heart was in my throat, but I couldn't see anything. My eyes scanned the area around me; probing, searching and eagerly identifying every curve and shape it could discern in the romantic atmosphere created by the carefully placed lighting of the Garden.

"Where could he be? Is that what is going through your head right now?"

I turned my head towards the sound, but when I took a few steps in that direction, I heard another question from the opposite side of me.

"Isn't the bunny hiding under the bush?"

I said nothing, instead I started playing with Trithorax. I stepped into the maze and led him on a different path. He was now following me just as much as I was following him. I remember his every word.

"He is very delicious tonight." Tri whispered. I saw his silhouette through the porous texture of the plants. He was walking alongside me.

"He has been waiting for you." I replied.

"Has he been dreaming about me?" He asked and kept on walking.

"Yes."

"Has he been longing for me?" Another question and another set of steps towards the dance hall.

"Yes."

"Has he been yearning for a kiss?"

We came to the end of the barrier between us, and suddenly, we stood face to face in the dim lights, flanking us from the dance hall nearby. He was dressed in blue. His costume was similar to mine, but it was the same kind of blue as my guardian BlueBunny. He was stunning. His mask had decorations of feathers that intertwined with a few stubborn curls of his black fringe. His hair was arranged in a firmly tied ponytail; blue ribbon of course. If I was the ruby, he was definitely the sapphire. He stepped close to me and we merged in a long kiss. I felt the heat rush to my cheeks and I forgot about the rest of the world.

My hands searched for his and at the slightest touch, our fingers intertwined. I don't know how long we remained out there kissing, but we had hardly begun talking when a servant ran out to us and invited us in to celebrate the New Year. Time flew by so quickly. At the countdown I couldn't see anything but him. I heard hundreds of people in chorus announcing each second of the remaining past, but it was merely a hum like a breeze in the background. I was drowning in his brown eyes, watching every hypnotizing shine he blessed me with. I had the glass in one hand and his warm palm in the other. He watched me equally attentively. The countdown went on, but we had only eyes for each other.

"Five… four… three… two… one… Happy New Year!!"

The fireworks exploded in the night sky, people were exuding all the joy and anticipation before the New Year, which was taking its very first breath of the few seconds that had just passed by. Bid farewell of the old and welcome the new and we made a toast.

"To a possible future together." Trithorax announced and I added my promise.

"And the best for Raoul."

Trithorax smiled back at me and repeated my words; "And the best for Raoul."

We drank a toast, followed by kisses again and the New Year burst into the most entrancing night ever.

Moments later, I was chasing him through different levels; music was pounding on every dance floor. People passing us by were high on ecstatic emotions and it was difficult to withstand the captivating aura of the surrounding. I watched the sapphire blue statue of Trithorax disappear into the dungeons of the alternative world of the club he was luring me into. I heard from the type of music, searching towards the light from the entrance, that it was something wild and untamed inside. I had lost track of Trithorax when the moving beats of the psychedelic sounds hit against my body and the darkness inside the club devoured me. People were dancing all around me, but my eyes were searching for only one person. I thought I spotted him at the entrance to a private room one of several lining the dance floor where paying customer can enjoy the crowd from a more secluded area. These were small cubicles of one-way tinted glass. I walked to the room, but when I opened the glass doors there was no one inside. I was just about to panic for the loss of Trithorax when he appeared behind my back and held me close. He then pushed me inside the room and closed the door behind himself.

The pounding music became but a faint whisper from outside. There were layers of mattresses, satin sheets and pillows on the floor, along with a massive fruit tray in silver and decanters of wine and cream. Trithorax walked up to me and with a steady grip on my neck he spoke his words into my mouth.

"You are a eunuch, an 'aruvani', known to many as 'hijra', the third gender. You are neither a man nor a woman, and in ancient times you were worshipped and even feared. You were worshipped for the tremendous beauty you possessed and the feared for the divine powers associated with you. Eunuchs were the guardians of the rulers and protectors of their properties and that is still true today. You, my sweet Ruby, have sacrificed a great part of your life working for the upper class, but you are hardly even appreciated. You are ridiculed and looked down on, whilst even the slaves spit in your footsteps. But tonight, my darling…"

He pulled me down on the satin bed. "…you are the center of attention."

If I had only known what he meant. Undressed, except for my mask, he fed me with fruits, kisses and caresses; fueling that fire burning from within. His hands were touching every sensitive part of me, driving me to the edge of madness. He halted just enough to pour me some wine and then held up a small phial containing a clear, amber liquid. I asked what it was as he swallowed a few drops from the pipette attached to the cap of the phial.

"It will make the night last longer." He said to me and smiled seductively. I didn't even think twice when I held out my glass to him and accepted the amber drops into my wine. Suddenly, the world dissolved into a confusing, but pleasant maelstrom of illusions where I could see all sounds generated from his lustful moans, and each sound assumed a shade of color that painted an enchanting world before my eyes. My senses were sharpened and the most intriguing thing is that I can remember everything; the smell of his skin, the heat from his stomach, the taste of his breath, the movements of his limbs coiling around me like snakes. He was everywhere, satisfying every sense that was yearning for an impulse. I know the amber drug was doing its part, but it was heavenly. I welcomed it… I even welcomed the indecent proposal he set forth. I had no will to resist.

The tiny camera, I had not noticed at the foot end of the bed, was turned on and I could clearly see my naked body projected on the ectobar glass above it. Trithorax wanted to record our union and not only that. A few moments later, another person joined us. It was another eunuch, but he was transformed differently as compared to me. He had his penis intact, but no testicles. I was a bit startled at first, but Trithorax held me down with kisses and his body resting on top of me. The young man came in kneeled down on the opposite side of Trithorax, and I was in the middle. He wore a transparent robe and I could see every delicious curve and contour of his body. I could also see that he was aroused. Trithorax offered him the contents of the phial and then had it lingering before my lips. I smiled as I opened my mouth and yet another cool drop landed on my tongue.

Even Trithorax helped himself to more aphrodisiac before his commands united us three in a mutual dance of lust. I remember them inside my body, inside my mouth, the taste of their essence and the cream on my skin, their hands and lips exploring every part of me, making me divulge my pent up ecstasy over and over until my body shivered with exhaustion. I even started hallucinating, due to the drug and due to the game. I felt Trithorax rocking himself in and out of me as I was watching our bodies being projected for us to watch. In the heat of all the moans, the movements and the whispers of passion, I clearly heard the voice of Raoul. It came from afar and grew stronger the closer I got to another climax.

"You belong to me, pussycat. You are mine and mine alone. Say it… tell me what I want to hear."

"I'm yours." I moaned repeatedly. I heard myself, but could hold it in. I just hope for the grace of Jupiter that Trithorax didn't know whom I was referring to. I belong to both of them.

When I awoke from that trance, Trithorax was gone. My mask was still on and a copy of the recording was lying next to me, with it there was a letter. I opened it and the message was; "Thanks for the best night of my life. Let us hope that the future brings what we love to pretend. Yours, Tri."

I hope so too. When I came out of the cubicle the personnel was already cleaning up the grand dance hall. I felt a bit sad and empty for I would have wanted to say goodbye to Trithorax. I removed the mask and took the elevator down to the docking bay. I returned to Aaïryn late in the afternoon and met with Raoul in the hotel lobby. He saw the sadness in me, but he also noticed there was a sense of fulfillment within me. He invited me to the diner and we shared our New Year's Eve adventures with each other over a nice cup of cappuccino. I told him the truth. I am tired of telling lies and it surprised me. I told him I met with Tri. I told him I knew Tri was coming here too and I had plans on spending the night with him.

"I guess me having to stay with Hannoh came as a rescue for you then."

I nodded; "But you know what, Raoul?" I threw in. "We both made a toast for you last night."

"Very kind of you, Katze" Raoul sipped on his coffee. "And do forward my regards to your friend as well. Why not have a dinner together whilst we are all here?"

"Because, I don't know his real name, I don't know what he looks like and apart from that I don't want to."

Raoul placed his cup in his lap staring at me as if I had lost my mind. I explained that I met Tri over the net, that we somehow clicked and kept on growing together ever since, that he supported me when I had hard times… and that is when Raoul interrupted me.

"You mean when I make life hard for you."

I reached for his hands and moved closer to him.

"Let's not turn this into something personal." I asked of him and he nodded with a gentle smile.

"Well, pussycat." He sighed and put the empty cup aside. "You really care this much about this young person that you are willing to go through all that trouble just to protect him from your past?"

I nodded, still holding Raoul's hand.

"He must be very special." He said and was about to leave, but I refused to let him go, and thus he remained seated. I caressed his face with a lingering glance and then leaned over the table to kiss his hands. It was something, which was extremely unusual to see these days. It was the ultimate form of submission and I felt the gaze of our surrounding focusing on us, but I didn't care.

"Actually, Raoul." I whispered. "He reminds me at times of you."

He couldn't see a drop of doubt in me and I witnessed how his eyes lit up with joy. He reached across the table and caressed my scar again.

"Isn't it about time for you to leave the past behind, pussycat?" He asked.

I agreed saying; "There is one last thing I have to do before that."

At that split second I felt I had to give him a fair warning of what was to come, but I couldn't sell out everyone involved, so I took the whole blame on myself. I encrypted the message the best way I could and I am still hoping he will understand it some day.

"Raoul, I have refined my methods to lie during my time with Iason, but when it comes to my feelings towards you and Tri, I have hidden them as well as I could, but everything you've seen when you spent time with me was real. The night when you came to the condo, and what happened during that night, it was all me. And I don't regret a thing. Do you?"

He stepped up next to me and pulled me up from the chair.

"Listen, pussycat, why don't we continue your fairytale adventures here on Aaïryn? Let's go to their theatre tonight, have a marvelous dinner out, or just spoil ourselves with room service and we do all you want to do. Tomorrow we will have the remainder or the conference to attend at, with a few work packages and meetings. But after that we can have a final night out and then head home."

Well, Artemisia, I had never been to the theatre before. I had never really enjoyed classical music until last night. We decided to go out for that marvelous dinner he recommended and I got to see a play brought to life by a well-known composer. And you know what? Classical music is powerful; when all the instruments come to life, there is not one part of your soul, which isn't moved by the music. The night ended in Raoul's bed and in his arms, just like tonight. After the closure of the conference we spoiled ourselves with room service. I am still munching on the grapes and Raoul is snoozing next to me. I guess for both me, Raoul and Trithorax, this has been the only time of our lives, when we have felt completely free from the burdens of social pressures and laws.

Oh, as a final note. Raoul noticed Bunny when we passed by my room to pick up some things. He was a bit shocked at first, but then he came around and asked why I had it with me. I told him the Bunny has been with me ever since I found it. From his condo, to my new apartment, and back to the condo; always at my side and watching over me. As Raoul sat in the armchair next to the bed, he held the bunny close to his chest. I don't think he gave it another thought, but he rubbed his scent all over it. Bunny carries Raoul's fragrance now and provides a little of my Blondie wherever I feel I need him. Crazy isn't it, how the senses play tricks on us? So feeble is the human kind.


	34. Back to Reality

****

Back to reality: 4694-004

I hate reality. I am home now and back in Raoul's condo. It seems like the feelings associated with Amoi just settle within me as I enter the atmosphere of this planet. I am empty again and all I see is darkness around me. Raoul was awfully quite at work as well. He didn't even peek out for lunch. I guess he feels the same way as I do. Back to the harsh reality. On Aaïryn I was his lover, on Amoi I'm the mole who will tear him down and undermine his work to expose his throat for the vultures waiting to destroy him. I don't want to do it. Why was I chosen? Oh, stupid question. I know why I was chosen, but I really don't want this. I want to care for him, not hurt him. I got another letter from Papa Downs. He wished me a prosperous continuum in this New Year. Right. I don't know why but this whole mess just feels so wrong. I am sticking to it partly due to the fact that my own life in on the line, but mostly due to Trithorax. If it hadn't been for the fact that people close to him suffered, I would've never engaged in trying to dig deeper into Raoul's affairs.

Well, apart from the best wishes, Papa also wants to call for another gathering. Finally, I will get to see X-breed face-to-face. It will take place some time next week. I have no choice but to go. I haven't done any of what Papa requested of me; to tap in on the beacon. He won't be happy, but if they wanted to pull Raoul down, it would have to be at my own convenience, not theirs. It was MY heart they were playing with and as cruel as it may sound, those Pets mean less to me than Raoul. I am ashamed to say that, for we are one and the same kind, but it's the truth.

Anyway, the police had another turn at Dr Hannoh's department and there was some commotion at their level. Some people had come up to our cafeteria to have their ten o'clock coffee. I overheard a conversation regarding that Dr Hannoh's personal stationary was confiscated along with some sensitive data from the lab. In other words, science has come to a halt on the 250th floor. I feel guilty, but it is just a step closer to closing down the market I had spent years on building up. Aren't I a hypocrite?

I saw the worry in Raoul's eyes, for the laboratories are also connected to us, and I know he has been numerous times at both the fertility clinic as well as the gene modification unit. I am sure he has even done some of the work registered there and he will be paralleled to some kind of research that will connect him to the discarded pets. I feel I have to tap into the beacon and retrieve some things form Raoul's computer. I need to see for myself if he is involved.

* * *

****

Breaching the beacon: 4694-006

The time is 02'65. It hasn't even been a week since our honeymoon-like trip to Aaïryn, and I am already back in business trying to get to the person with whom I shared beds at several occasions.

I was the only one left at the office. I was also the only one who knew how to breach the security barrier and tap into Raoul's beacon to get unlimited access to his computer and identify those who were returning his signals. That was the problem with a beacon. It was outside of a closed ether network, only tuning into complete systems like that of this institution to be able to steal some of the accessibility to other clients. Therefore, it was vulnerable against an attack, once it had been identified. Ghosts could elude and delay the identification, if not make it impossible at times, but once the original server was pinpointed it was easy to bring it down. It had no security and was possible to breach. I knew exactly which server was communicating from herein.

I went to the ventilation shaft once the guards had finished their rounds and retraced the previous path to set up the independent router around the manipulated access terminal to relay the signals to my own computer. I opened up the alloy casing again and reconnected the wiring to attach my own device. It was a small flat electronic disc. Hardly noticeable, but very powerful and a little present form Trithorax. I got the package today through company delivery and for the first time I have come to know where Trithorax was working; Phoenix Networks. Well, he hasn't signed his name or anything, but I guess after our New Years Eve, he trusts me enough let me nibble a little more into detail on his personal life.

I came back to the office about an hour later and noticed that Gillian had returned. He had forgotten something, but I hid so that he wouldn't see me. It was the perfect timing though, for I could sneak out with him, and not having my key registered through the different doors at this time of the evening. All our doors are a bit sluggish, mainly for prominent Blondies to have enough time to stroll through without being cut in half, so before it closed I sneaked out behind Gillian. I took a different elevator to the garage and came home. I know the surveillance cameras have captured me on several occasions, but that is impossible to circumvent unless one plans a big operation. However, I also know that the surveillance will not be looked at unless they would suspect an intrusion of some sort to the physical building. When it comes to the network, cameras are often useless against those villains. Besides, even if Raoul did suspect something in the end, it will be already too late and apart from that, he has an illegal beacon associated with his stationary. Now that is worse than my little spying. I am, however, honored that he dared to share that so openly with me. He trusts me… and this is how I repay him. Well, I have a little plan on my own. I will not allow for Papa or anybody else to gain access to Raoul's computer. Whatever they are looking for will have to go through me and perhaps in that way, I shall be able to give Raoul a warning if something happens.

* * *

****

Interview with a Blondie and the whore within me: 4694-009

The news has once again showed terrifying images of discarded pods and another trafficking Lord being hunted down. The police was really ineffective and I knew for every Lord they caught, at least four more were fighting for the abandoned throne. I know, I did the same. I was having my afternoon tea at work, which was a tradition at the last day of the week with freshly baked cream cakes supplied by the company, when someone turned on the news and ruined my whole evening. Raoul came in just after the news was over and seated himself at my table.

He frowned at me, but playfully, and asked; "Why so serious?"

I sighed and leaned back in my chair, coffee cup in my hands as I stared into the black liquid asking in return; "Raoul, what do you think about Pets?"

"Pets?!"He snorted. "Pets are pets, Katze, there is not much to think of them in general. Why?"

Damn him! I could have wiped that smug expression off his face with a blow. He instantly fuelled my hatred and I suddenly remembered why I hated Blondies. Ice cold with that characteristic trait of lacking empathy. It was so evident right then that he was a true Blondie.

"Nonetheless, they are humans." I argued.

"Pampered-to-their-teeth-kind-of-humans, yes, and all they have to do is look pretty to get all they wish for." Raoul countered.

"Except freedom." I threw in.

"And what is freedom worth in the gutter when you can be captive in a golden cage?"

"Most people would choose that, still." I announced proudly – not realizing I walked into his trap.

"But you chose otherwise, Katze."

There it was, that smug expression again as he continued; "You chose to live in a golden cage. You walked into it on your own free will and closed the doors behind yourself. How many chances did you have to leave? Numerous! Yet, you stayed and even sacrificed your body to stay in the sun. Who are you to question the ways of the Blondies and the choices the Pets make for themselves when you freely maimed yourself into a common eunuch?"

I couldn't finish my coffee. I left my seat deeply discontent, and hurried to the men's room. I washed my face from the anger, which was a mistake for sadness took its place and I had trouble holding the tears within. The mirrored reflection of Raoul appearing behind me, chased the sadness away. I was happy for that, but my joy was but a very brief one. He grabbed my shoulder and turned me around, pressing me against the marble washbasin to the point where the tap was digging into my spine. I whimpered with pain and ordered him to let me go, at which he asked me; "Have you ever fucked someone with fury, pussycat?"

His rage was frightening me to silence and I shook my head.

"Then I'll show you." He growled and ripped my shirt open and tore the trousers off my waist. I tried to fight, but he was way too strong. Nothing helped at the moment. He couldn't even feel the pain of my nails digging into his flesh as I tried to fend myself against his intruding body.

He kissed me forcefully and slapped me dizzy when I attempted to bite his tongue. Suddenly, I was facing the mirror again. His body kept me locked against the washbasin and with one hand he forced me to stare at my own reflexion, whilst the other was probing my groin. He wasn't gentle and at several instances he hurt me by pressing his fingers too roughly against the scar tissue. I bit my lip until it bled, and then he eased his touch. It became more delicate and the muscles in my face relaxed a little.

"Just be honest and admit it." He hissed viciously. "You like being taken even if you complain through every thrust. You whine about being the submissive one, yet you moan like a whore when I'm inside you."

I started wiggling, trying to break free, protesting wildly against the vulgar label he had placed on me.

"Oh no? I'll show you, pussycat."

I watched with horror as he undid his buckle and from the porcelain container on the wall, he obtained a handful of lotion. It was cold against my bottom and I saw the mix of rage and pleasure as he lubricated himself. All this time, he kept a firm grip on my chin, forcing me to stare into the mirror. He was gentle when he entered me, but as he was certain he was slippery enough not to tear his own skin, his movements became more forceful and brutal. But he did everything right. Deliberately. He ground his hips against my behind so he would stimulate me with every thrust and his free hand was caressing my scars to enhance the feelings. At first, I tried to fight it, but his persistence paid off, and seeing my own stale face transform into that of a libidinous young man released a wave of arousal in me. I didn't want it like that, but he got me so aroused.

"That's it." He moaned through clenched teeth. "Don't hide it."

And so, I released it. I was helpless. I was turning into someone else as I came into his hand. I saw my face, my eyes glistening with hunger, and I heard my moans… just like that of a whore. I encouraged his fulfillment with a deep groan. His movements became rapid and pronounced. To the rhythm of the last few thrusts he said; "You… belong… to me…"

He muted his roar by biting down on my neck as he completely flooded me from within. Once he gathered his strength and breath, he pulled himself out of me and seated me on the washbasin like a kid. I stared with apathy into the void as he washed me and removed all traces of his presence from my body.

I heard him say; "You are bleeding."

He took a white towel from a neatly folded stack on the shelves and dried my skin. When he was finished I saw the red spots on the white cloth. He folded it and wiped the sweat off his forehead and lips.

I was still mute when he lifted me down onto the floor and dressed me properly. By that time, people started knocking on the door, wanting to gain access to the men's room.

"Don't forget." Raoul said with this immense sadness in his eyes. "You are my pussy… Kat."

With this brutal yet strangely accepted rape, he tarnished all my memories of Aaïryn. Pussycat was no longer a sweet pet name, it was a synonym to the weak person I had become. I died and the old Katze was reawakened. Raoul's obsession was somehow so familiar. It was something I knew I had witnessed before. Iason! He was just like Iason! And just like the fire at Dana Burn put Iason out of his misery, I will put Raoul out of his own, like I would do with a rabid dog. I decided then and there… I will bring him down!


	35. Letters from the Past

**Letters from the past: 4694-011**

I am at home now. It's just a few minutes past six and I have ordered take away food. I have been at Raoul's computer for two days now. I have managed to trace down some files related to the date when I found him so destroyed and weak. I remember that date so well, 4693-295. There is an entire email folder associated with those files and a great deal of online communication. I have to trace the connecting points of the receiver. My biggest problem has been the password to unlock these files. They are for some reason very well protected. Do you realize, that your password generator has been chewing through his folders for over a day, non-stop?

I managed to start cracking his email folders. They are six years old and by the Gods, some of them are from Iason. I am posting all letters I find in here, for if he realizes I have breached his network gate, he will close it down or make the files completely inaccessible.

Well, I am a bit thrown into all this mess and I can't understand everything of what is said, but I hope the letters will become clearer as I get along.

* * *

_Message from: Lord Iason Mink  
Received by: Raoul Am  
℘i.minkΞsyncorp.cyx.3268℘  
4688-016_

_My dearest, Raoul, who is this 'Aethelric' person? How dare he infiltrate our private message board and accuse me of not caring properly for Riki? Really, it is nobody's business as to what I do or how I treat my Pet, but now I feel I must broadcast my actual habits to you in order to restore my pride and reputation. And why? For I was most disappointed in the fact that you had not interfered on my behalf, knowing very well that I am quite capable to keep my personal and business life apart. I know your feelings towards my mongrel, but I assure you, I will not take it lightly to be ridiculed in public._

_There are much more fulfilling means of channeling out my frustration and reaping my rewards. Yes, this regards to a certain personal possession of mine, but you will never fully understand the meaning of a Pet until you can nurse them into a satisfying state of pleasure and arousal. I do not need anything other in order to become intoxicated. I'm sure I don't have to elucidate my example here._

_I will not lie and pretend to be a saint when it comes to Riki. Quite the contrary, actually; I freely admit that I do enjoy the odd taste of cinnamon skin now, then and again. Who wouldn't? I confess it is my small outlet when things get a bit heated in my household and dominion. It also helps me to loosen up a bit during social calls, conventions and gatherings._

_It has also come to my attention that you had agreed with Aethelric once my back was turned. Is this your way of getting back at me for Mimea and Riki? Or is it because I am reluctant to discuss my personal life with you?_

_I found your insinuations most deplorable, Raoul, and I want you to retract them at once. However, I am most amused to find that you were 'affected' by Mimea's little false play. To surprise a man of your stature and intellect and seed jealousy within you is remarkable and gratifying indeed. Do we need a little session of our own, a little heart-to-heart chat in order to set things straight again?_

_Yours truly,_

_Iason_

* * *

I don't understand this letter, Artemisia, but it is evident that it was written during the peak of Raoul's and Iason's arguments. I remember them so well. And Mimea's deeds. I see the date is 4688. It was dated about two years before Iason died.

Here is a response from Raoul. Strangely, I don't know this person called Aethelric. I have never even heard of him.

* * *

_Message from: Lord Raoul Am  
Received by: Iason Mink  
℘raoul.amΞtbmc.fxt.7297℘  
4688-016_

_Dear Iason. I think the proper explanation of Aethelric would be 'hunger'. We've bumped into each other once before at a nice gathering, and even then he managed to cause a stir that caught my attention. However, I am glad that we've ran into each other again, for he is indeed an intriguing character._

_A small introduction perhaps? All I know is that he is considered to be an 'artist of pleasure', though a Blondie. An intriguing thought isn't it? Well, that is what the rumors say, but I cannot be sure._

_When it comes to me not stepping in to your rescue when the young lad harshly reacted on your verbal reprimand of Riki in public, I didn't find it fitting for me to intervene in your personal matter. You did tell me to stay out of it, remember? Besides, my dear friend, submerging yourself in shame and self-pity doesn't look good on you. I am sure your ego is somewhat bigger than to 'really' and 'truthfully' be affronted by such an approach._

_Since when do you care about an insignificant little comment, Lord Mink? Especially from an unknown, young male. Or does your aversion testify of the fact that you actually taken his words into consideration? I think I am rather surprised._

_Oh, Iason, if you would have asked me a year, or even a month ago to sit down with you, I would have done it without a second thought. And if it is important to you, I shall do it whenever you ask. But I urge you to be aware of the fact that I could be offering more advice than you'd expect in return. The question is would you be up to receiving it all, or decline for fear of the consequences?_

_I know you possess a lot of power; both physically, financially and mentally... which I honestly admire about you, or I wouldn't be here, but I find it very hard seeing you fall._

_Your friend,_

_Raoul_

* * *

Well, Artemisia, what can I say. Those were very harsh comments coming from Raoul towards Iason. I didn't know he had been so open about his disapproval of Riki. I always figured Raoul was background person when it came to Iason. I thought Iason ruled over him like he ruled over everyone else. Could it be that Raoul has little bit of panache after all?

* * *

_Message from: Lord Raoul Am  
Received by: Alain Hitomi  
℘raoul.amΞtbmc.fxt.7297℘  
4688-020_

_Dear Commissioner Hitomi,_

_I must congratulate you on your success to the new post. The ambassador was most pleased with the outcome of the vote and the lavish dinner following such a glorious accomplishment was a true tribute to the future._

_However, I must contact you on a less pleasant matter. I have come across a young man called 'Aethelric', who has caused quite a stir on a recent gathering. It is no one I had seen before and although an intriguing young man in his way, I am quite certain I have never heard of him before. Is he new on Amoi and do you know anything about where he is from? He does not seem quite aware of the tremendous power of Lord Iason Mink, and thus crossing him would be most unwise. Can you find anything on this young man?_

_Sincerely,_

_Raoul Am_

* * *

_Message from: Alain Hitomi  
Received by: Raoul Am  
℘hitomiΞamoiembassy.ttp.4001℘  
4688-021_

_Dear Lord Am,_

_I am sorry to disappoint you, but unfortunately we have no record of a citizen called Aethelric who matches the description we discussed over the phone. As you say, if he is a Blondie, he must be registered with a complete set of identity regardless of his origin. We are keeping records of over three million Blondies outside Amoi, hence he should be found. I have checked with eighty-four surveyed worlds and there are no records of anyone fitting the description you gave, whether of age, gender, origin or the image you have provided._

_Kind regards,_

_A Hitomi_

* * *

_Message from: Alain Hitomi  
Received by: Raoul Am  
℘hitomiΞamoiembassy.ttp.4001℘  
4688-025_

_Dear Lord Am,_

_Forgive my late response. Our tireless search for an identity has resulted in a Sozerian email address, which is as follows; LostDreamΞsozerian.g_

_It is registered under the name Aethelric Wei. As you know, Lord Am, Sozerian addresses can very well be registered under an assumed name and no specific signatures are left behind that would tell of the location from where the latest message was sent. As long as the account is not used, it is dormant and invisible to any pathfinder._

_As it happens, I am a personal friend to one of the designers of the Sozerian network and thus additional efforts have been put into the surveillance of the network traffic. Now, someone's watchful eyes caught a fleeting signature flashing at the very moment the account was opened for messaging and it led us to a local hub at a downtown patisserie at the old library on Queen's Valley Road. Whomever this person is, he was at least sending a message from Amoi, Tanagura this morning._

_I hope this will be of help for you._

_Kind regards,_

_A Hitomi_

* * *

I know the Sozerian network. It is not easy to find someone on it. Did you now that it was at first just a virus envelope? Yeah, just like real viruses having a protein capsule this was an invisible cloak to infect large servers and systems and delivering the virus without leaving any trace. I know the guy who actually managed to open up the envelope and tame the virus. It was the very same guy this ambassador says is the developer. That's a load of crap. He just tamed it, which was still very well done, but it was constructed by the A.I. at the Agency of Investigations as a spyware and later as a means with which to destroy enemy communications and data they relied on in order to mobilize. It leaves no traces and everyone allowed access inside the envelope is very well protected unless they move in and out of it, which is in the case of opening your account. That was one of the few modifications made in order to be able to tame the program.

* * *

_Message from: Lord Raoul Am  
Received by: Aethelric Wei  
℘raoul.amΞtbmc.fxt.7297℘  
4688-025_

_Greetings Aethelric,_

_I am quite certain you have not expected this letter. Perhaps not even expected to be tracked down, but as you know there are some people who sit at positions with power you cannot even begin to comprehend. Such as that of Lord Iason Mink. Are you aware of the power he possesses? Stepping on his toes as you did was most unwise. However, I must confess I did enjoy your little quarrel and although he almost crushed your confidence with a mere glance at the end, I never thought you would last as long as you did. Interfering with the personal life of a prominent Lord, more precisely the head of the Syndicate, has its consequences; one that you will taste the bitterness of if you approach him with a cocksure attitude once more._

_I advise you to stay away from any more gatherings until the storm settles._

_Sincerely,_

_R. Am_

* * *

_Message from: Aethelric Wei  
Received by: Raoul Am  
℘ LostDreamΞsozerian.g ℘  
4688-026_

_Dear Lord Am,_

_I see it is not only Lord Mink who has powerful friends. I'm sure it took a few days of hard work for the Sozerian pathfinders to track me down. It must have taken patience to scan those millions and millions of emails being sent all over the universe just to home in on mine. I could have been refraining from using it for months. Think of the recourses it must have cost them. Nonetheless, I thought with your influential friends around, you'd find me a lot sooner. It has been way over a week since I rightfully insulted Lord Mink. What took you so long? In any case, I am most flattered that someone such as you would be so eager to find me despite the massive manpower it required. I must have made quite an impression._

_Aethelric_

* * *

_Message from: Lord Raoul Am  
Received by: Aethelric Wei  
℘raoul.amΞtbmc.fxt.7297℘  
4688-027_

_Your ego is outstanding, my dear boy, and my patience has reached its limits with you. Now this; I don't know where your interest lies when it comes to Lord Mink, but I assure you he would not pay attention to a sycophantic, pale shadow of a Blondie such as yourself. I trust you come to your senses and guard that big mouth of yours before it causes you more trouble. Just remember, I'll be keeping an eye on you._

_Raoul_

* * *

_Message from: Aethelric Wei  
Received by: Raoul Am  
℘ LostDreamΞsozerian.g ℘  
4688-027_

_My dear Lord Am, your statement honors me. Please, tell me how could I be intimidated by that threat? Let's not forget that though most people would deny it perhaps once confronted, but the truth is, a lot of mortals would give anything to have your lovely emeralds keeping an eye on them. How can I refuse having such an eminent person of power paying me this much attention?_

_I am balancing on the edge of decency, I admit... but I do believe you enjoy seeing the pride of Lord Mink being worn away at the edges. If it had been such a terrible act to comment on his rude behavior, why did you not interfere?_

_Aethelric_

* * *

This boy certainly has some attitude. It would have been fun to meet with him back then. I don't know of that many people who have shown their claws like this when confronted by Raoul. He is often very intimidating when angered and everyone with the right mind and connection also know that the friends of Lord Iason Mink were not to be aggravated for his protection reach far beyond the premises of Eos. Still, I have to admit this kid had guts provoking Raoul like this.

* * *

_Message from: Lord Raoul Am  
Received by: Aethelric Wei  
℘raoul.amΞtbmc.fxt.7297℘  
4688-027_

_Your impertinence and boisterous attitude have indeed ruffled my feathers. And as you know, Aethelric, I am not one to easily forgive a person's transgressions. However, I find this deluded belief in yourself quite amusing. As to clarify why I did not interfere; I am neither the Master or keeper of Lord Iason Mink, hence I cannot decide what happens to him. He is at complete liberty to interact and engage with whomever he pleases. On your account though, how dare you insinuate that he wrongfully rules over the mind and body of a simple Pet? It's simply atrocious… simply despicable. And for that, I'm afraid you will have to fight your 'withdrawal symptoms' alone. You are not welcome amongst us. What would have been a very delightful and pleasurable evening had morphed into something very pitiful and your presence is not desired by anyone, let alone Lord Mink._

_Have a safe trip home,_

_Raoul_

* * *

_Message from: Aethelric Wei  
Received by: Raoul Am  
℘ LostDreamΞsozerian.g ℘  
4688-027_

_I only made a comment about how Iason Mink reprimanded his Pet. No human, even a simple mongrel is to be publicly humiliated, and I care nothing of the conceited attitude with which you are trying to teach me something you obviously do not master. He deserved it. When you have seen life from a different angle, you may approach me with your crudeness and lecturing. Until then, you had better stick to science and I shall stick to what I do best. Now let us leave this subject. I am not interested in Lord Mink, for I have and had no desire to ridicule or humiliate him in public._

_I would rather tell you about the dream I had about you last night. May I be so blunt as to expose it to you? I don't remember how it began or even the middle part of it, but I do remember finding myself at that gathering again; except that we were alone. The music was like the softest breeze and marble floor was like the sea beneath my feet. You approached me from afar, moving very smoothly as if you were hovering across the hall. You stopped very closely before me and reached past me, brushing against my body at the same time. You held up a ripe, succulent strawberry that you placed between your teeth as you seized me; catching me off-guard in some way. You smiled provocatively as you cupped my face in your hands, caressing my cheeks. You leaned forward and initiated an erotic kiss, passing the strawberry into my waiting mouth. But you broke the kiss and pulled away, with a playful swipe of the tongue. You pushed yourself past me, exiting the room with a pompous flick of your wavy, golden hair and twinkling, roguish eyes. What does that mean?_

_Aethelric_

* * *

_Message from: Lord Raoul Am  
Received by: Aethelric Wei  
℘raoul.amΞtbmc.fxt.7297℘  
4688-028_

_It simply means that you have not had any fulfillment in a long time and your mind is playing tricks on you. Dangerous tricks might I add. So for the sake of your own personal health, I suggest you forget about those silly dreams and get out of Tanagura._

_Raoul_

* * *

_Message from: Aethelric Wei  
Received by: Raoul Am  
℘ LostDreamΞsozerian.g ℘  
4688-029_

_Leave? I actually had that planned, my dear Lord Am, but since you are so persistent in throwing me out of Tanagura that you actually had my email account breached yesterday evening, I feel I must confront you on the matter. Therefore I shall stay a while more. Did you find anything you liked? Did it give you a kick raiding my account? I suggest we have a nice little chat at the Midseason celebration party next month at the Dome. I am invited and as I've seen from the guest list, so are you._

_See you there…Raoul…._

* * *

_Message from: Lord Raoul Am  
Received by: Aethelric Wei  
℘raoul.amΞtbmc.fxt.7297℘  
4688-029_

_I must congratulate you, my dear Aethelric. Why do I get the feeling you knew exactly that I would have your account checked thoroughly?_

_Raoul_

* * *

It's because you are so predictable, Raoul. If I had the advisor of Tanagura's Prince hounding me, I would be on my watch. And considering the fact that Raoul was able to find people to hunt down an unknown person, it was not impossible to guess what the next step would have been. However, to me it seems like these two are playing with each other. If this boy wouldn't have caught Raoul's attention in some way, the Blondie would have blocked him form his mail a long time ago. Why does Raoul even bother to answer a little creep like this guy? I tell you why, Artemisia, because he is fascinating or at least this Aethelric has gained a certain measure of respect.

There are actually no more communication going on between Raoul and this guy. There are some online Skylink calls going back and forth between Iason and Raoul. I've tried to listen to them, but the files of encrypted and all I hear is a buzz. Well, time for me to take a rest. It's almost morning and I am tired. I mustn't forget that am still working for Raoul and I have to do my job even if I am counteracting my collaboration within these four walls.


	36. Sold to the Highest Bidder

**Work : 4694-015**

My mind is no longer focused on my work. I no longer go out to the Café either. I am mostly sitting at home after work to dig deeper into some of the letters I am trying to comprehend. Raoul has been casting remorseful eyes at me. Or at least that's how it seemed. We were standing next to each other in the men's room as we stumbled out of the stall the same time. We said nothing, but I saw how keenly he was observing me. I was wondering what was on his mind, but he had burnt his bridges and there is no forgiveness for what he did to me… the way he played me. I only have a few more days before I am to meet with Papa Downs. I know I've come across something, but I have just not been able to unravel the meaning of all those letters. When I get home tonight, I'll continue posting. I feel have to save them all in order to have evidence presented to the court, when that happens.

**Sold to the highest bidder: 4695-015**

Back home, Artemisia. I have just eaten some chicken with potatoes that I got from the concierge. Ordering in again, I know. It's not healthy and I will turn my life around as soon as I am finished. I hope that will happen soon. I told you today about coming across something. Well, I think I might have. I have to decode the real time recording. I see only a dead signal across the screen when I try to play it. Meanwhile, there are some more letters here.

* * *

_Message from: Lord Raoul Am  
Received by: Theschel'rhiann Qhui  
℘raoul.amΞtbmc.fxt.7297℘  
4688-065_

_My dear friend, Theschel'rhiann. It has been a long time since we last spoke. I know your duties as a minister of foreign affairs is quite demanding and thus I am quite surprised you had time to honor me with such a breathtaking present for one night. It was a most precious gift; in fact one that has given me pleasures beyond my wildest dreams. I must ask you, where did you find this young man?_

_I have to admit, I have run into him before but under much less agreeable conditions. I have tried to find him, but my search has been fruitless._

_Kind regards,_

_Raoul_

* * *

_Message from: Theschel'rhiann Qhui  
Received by: Raoul Am  
℘Qhui-Theschelrhiann ℘  
4688-065_

_Lord Am,_

_It is I who must express the honor I feel basking in the kindness of your words. The young lad is a very sought after concubine, as you most likely have figured it out. Yes, it is outrageous and deliciously illicit. A Blondie concubine. Forbidden by law, most think it is an urban legend, yet he is as real as you felt him. No one really knows where he comes from, but he is booked every other night. He is most exclusive and his whereabouts is kept hidden. He has a simple Sozarian address from where he runs his business, but he is most exclusive and a total description of his client is required before he accepts any transactions. Yes, it meant me having to talk privately with him about you. But he only had to hear you name to accept the deal. I am glad he fulfilled your dreams._

_Personal regards,_

_Theschelrhiann Q._

* * *

A Blondie concubine?! Crap! Jupiter would never allow such a thing. Not to one of her own creations. It's just some promiscuous Blondie dressed up as a concubine. I know, Artemisia, that when it comes to basic instincts they are no better than a mongrel. They like sex and pleasure and the more the better.

Snap! It's been three hours, but the recording is decoded. Let's see what we can see.

Well, darn it, I don't see much at the moment, everything is so darn bright. I have to adjust the contrast.

All right. I see a bright room, a large futon with white satin sheets and a very white Blondie on top of it. He is young. I think no more then twenty years old; a young lad with a shackle around his neck. From the shackle a series of massive black iron links make up a long chain, but I can't see where that is anchored. This boy, on the other hand, is gorgeous. He has rich, wavy hair but only to his shoulders and it is spread around his head like an aura where he lies blindfolded in a sea of pillows. He is naked and breathing heavily; his chest is in constant motion. He is obviously nervous but pleasantly aroused too. It is very nice to see him like that, I would like to witness it in real life too. Raoul is standing near the bed with a glass of red wine in his hands and watches the boy. Two other people are next to him and they are all grinning except for Raoul. He has lust in his eyes, but seems very watchful.  
I hear the words:

"C'mon Am… try him out… tight as a virgin…"

I see Raoul taking a sip and tracing his fingers on the edge of the futon, slightly brushing against the shins of the young lad and thereby making him gasp and shudder. The fingertips glided over the thighs and the quivering stomach. I can almost feel what the boy must have felt. I know Raoul's venomous touch so well; I was moved by it too. Raoul removed his hands and turned towards the others, bowing silently. The gesture was returned by his peers who shortly thereafter got out of the room, leaving that predator with the youthful and bound prey. The boy is shivering like a leaf, but I don't think it is because of fear. Raoul put the glass down on the floor and seated himself next to the juvenile Blondie. He leaned over, kissing the lad's forehead, his cheeks and just a soft, dry kiss on the lips. When his fingers fumbled with the blindfold, I heard the angelically sweet voice of this young man; "Leave the blindfold on, my Lord… I am yours to do with what you want, just don't hurt me."

I witnessed Raoul have the most gentle sex with this boy. It wasn't the Raoul that raped me in the men's room. He was listening to every breath and every little whimper from that young man and attended altruistically his entire body. He started with the head, fingers tracing lines and lips flowing in their path. The next spot of exploration involved the nipples, the heaving chest and the quivering stomach. I could see from the position of the camera that the muscles in the thighs of this boy, including the fleshy bottom, was trembling with pent up tension as he tensed to hinder the loss of his seed. There wasn't one little spot on that young body that didn't experience euphoric ecstasy as a number of orgasms united them throughout the hours that the recording played on. I forwarded the recording and watched only segments, but I could clearly see that – yes – this young lad had something. I am not so surprised he managed to catch Raoul's attention form the very beginning. I wasn't present on that day when he apparently challenged Iason in his ways of treating Riki, but I am quite sure it would have been a memorable moment. He was a Blondie and so extremely pretty; not because he had a perfect face, but he had something else. I can't pinpoint it, but that shift from being so overly confident in the letters… I would have thought he was much older. He is just a young man. Younger than me. Oh, I don't know… but he is captivating in his way. Especially being this submissive in a way I've never witnessed in a Blondie. I imagine he spoke vividly to Raouls' deepest instincts, just as he was doing now to mine, and yet I was only witnessing him from letters and a recording. Who are you Aethelric?

* * *


	37. Catastrophe

* * *

HELLO EVERYONE. THANK YOU FOR READING THE STORY AND I HOPE YOU ARE STILL ENJOYING IT. AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE LOVELY REVIEWS AND I'LL KEEP ON ANSWERING THEM. :D I AM SORRY THE UPDATE HASN'T BEEN COMING MORE OFTEN, BUT I HAVE BEEN VERY BUSY AND HAVE NOT HAD TIME FOR THE COMPUTER. IT WILL BE BETTER THOUGH. :)

* * *

**Catastrophe: 4694-018**

By all the Gods, Artemisia. The day has fallen into the night and there is nothing but darkness outside the window. The day has come to an end but the morning was already dissolved into something catastrophic, I just didn't notice until I came to work. I should have paid attention to the bird that smashed into my window last night. I didn't think they flew that high, but as I saw the blood running down the glass I felt a shiver down my spine. It was almost as a premonition of what was to come and though I have never been a believer in anything other than the greed of man, I see it as a warning. The police had taken the entire Biomedical centre under siege, the area is still sealed off and everyone is scared. I am so worried I feel sick at the stomach yet I can't bring myself to go home. I am sitting at the nearby quotidian day-and-night restaurant and I have no sleep in my body. I have since long messed up my circadian rhythm, thus one more day without sleep won't make any difference. Although I did not care much for Dr Hannoh, I never wanted to see him dead. Yes, he was executed today by a mongrel who took his life after shooting the doctor into pieces right in front of Raoul. I don't know why I grabbed hold of Raoul instead of letting him stumble out of the elevator and rush to Hannoh's assistance, as he was about to do if I hadn't stopped him. All our miseries would have ended then.

I noticed something was wrong when I arrived to work. I saw a few people who were dressed in an odd way compared to what you see in these parts of Ceres. It is cold outside, and so the long coats were not suspicious, but 'hanging around' outside an academic faculty such as the Biomedical centre was not really in harmony with the style and type of those youngsters who stood near the entrance. I have been around these kinds of people long enough to feel it instinctively when something is about to happen. Granted, I have not been involved in the darkness of Ceres for a long time (I am only referring to the Black Market now), but I still have a 'feel' for it. The limousine in front of me belonged to Raoul. I saw him get out and enter the building, closely followed by Dr Hannoh. They were always arriving the same time. You could set your watch by them – odd. Even when they were late.

I lost focus for a swift moment as I was about to turn towards the garage entrance, and when I cast a glance after Raoul anew – it was only a flicker of a second later – the guard outside was sinking to the ground and one of the mongrels was gone. It all happened so fast. I only saw the end of his long coat sway through the closing doors to the centre. I stopped my car and stumbled out, running like a madman up the stairway towards the main reception. I pulled out my gun in flight and shot the mongrel outside who was reaching for his own weapon. Apparently, I still have the skill of aiming and firing on spot. I think his brain was dead before the body realized it, for he staggered on despite the fact that the back of his head was on the wall behind him. I heard some people screaming around me as they witnessed this, but I didn't care. I was focused and the rest happened in slow motion. I knew that these assassins had not counted on returning home – it was a suicide mission – and thus had nothing to lose. They had to be brought down immediately for they were already set on dying and threats would only lead to a larger number of deaths. I ran through the reception are towards the elevators and fired a few times – still running. Everyone ducked and there was still a few seconds of delay before the stunned guards reacted. Raoul and Dr Hannoh turned just to be taken aback by the mongrel assassin who was sinking to he knees with a stale facial expression speaking of the numb death that was slowly taking him over. I didn't even wait until he was on his knees as I ran past by him and towards Raoul. The elevator arrived and the door opened. Half way between the mongrel and Raoul, I passed Dr Hannoh who was walking with insecure steps towards the dying mongrel. I heard him utter the name 'Kellie'. I saw Raoul was about to join him, but I stopped him, fearing the worst. I couldn't help Dr Hannoh, but as the reception exploded into a sea of fire, I dragged Raoul into the elevator and hit the level panel to close the doors. The blast was deafening and fire was licking the walls, flickering inside the confined space of the elevator like the tongue of a lizard. I held him tight. I held him safe.

I guess Trithorax was right about my ancient heritage that haunted me still. I was the guardian like thousands of maimed eunuchs before me, and though I wish I could have acted differently, I followed my instincts and pushed Raoul to the ground, protecting his head as I clutched him into my embrace. I used my body to shield him from harm until the doors closed and the flames died.

"Oh my God, Katze," He shivered. Whether from anger or fear I'll never know, but he had a strange mix of emotions making up his expression. He caught his breath in the thick fabric of my turtleneck sweater as he panted against my shoulder. His breath was hot and it was trapped in the knitted patterns of the sweater, still lingering on as he pulled away.

"We have to get out." Raoul started again a bit insecure. His eyes were everywhere except on me. "Open the doors."

I did as I was told and we stepped out of the elevator. Parts of the reception was covered in soot and the heat was still pulsating in the air, along with the pungent smell of the explosive that had just claimed nine people's lives; three receptionists, four security guards at the detector gate near the elevators, the assassin and Dr Hannoh. Apart from these charred bodies, there were two more left outside, one of which had died by my own hands. I don't think I felt anything then. Strangely, my only focus was on Raoul and to make sure he was safe. To what purpose anyway? He was the one that should have died!

The police was there within minutes and there was a great commotion, which resulted in everyone being evacuated and forced out of the building. I parted from Raoul although I knew he would have wanted me near him. He was questioned by the police and they spent hours with me too; asking the same bloody questions over and over. I gave a statement and left the scene. I saw Raoul's eyes desperately searching for mine and there was a pleading in them that spoke to my instincts to stay with him and protect him, but I refused. He is NOT going to get the best of me. I left him there and strangely I feel so guilty. I feel really bad about it. My hands are sweating and my heart is restless even though it's been hours since the murder. I can imagine how he feels – Raoul. I would need to talk to Trithorax, but I am too numb inside. I don't feel like chatting tonight. Not to anyone. I am turning you off too.

I can't sleep, Artemisia. There is too much tension inside. My feelings are mixed and I need to know if Raoul is feeling somewhat balanced. I have to call him. My body is covered in sweat and I have to jump into the shower. I will give my impulse another thought. Be back later.

I was so furious. I AM furious. I wanted the feelings to go away. I wanted to stop thinking about Raoul and I even tried to think back to the time of New Years Eve with Trithorax, but those thought were only replaced by Raoul's sweet breath caught in my sweater as he panted against my neck. He was afraid and I was protecting him. That gave and still gives me the greatest of pleasure. I was his everything and he was holding on to me for comfort. I felt like a father. It was a very gratifying feeling. To be the protector – to be his hamija. The way be buried his face in curve of my neck and the fear in his eye made him look like child in my hands. He spoke so vividly to my instincts and in some strange way it even aroused me. At that moment he trusted me more than he had ever trusted anyone. I had his life in my hands and I was shielding him from the terrifying world.

I took a long shower – ice cold. I even tried to satisfy myself, but to no avail. It seems like my own body is rejecting my touch. It goes numb and I can't feel a damn thing!! I AM GOING CRAZY! I want to feel, but I need HIM, Raoul, to complete me. I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't fucking EXIST. It's like wanting something so bad you are breaking for it; seeing it within reach and yet it's untouchable for someone like me. Like remembering the taste of sweetness, but now that you put sugar into your mouth it's only bitter! It's not fucking FAIR! I HATE BEING LIKE THIS! I WANT TO FEEL AGAIN! But I don't want to have Raoul to do that. What happened to my body's response when it comes to Trithorax?

Cursing wont help. Throwing you across the room didn't help either. Luckily you are nearly indestructible for blunt force, I'm sorry. It just so… I don't know… agonizing, I guess.

A while back I rushed out of the shower and pressed the communicator, but as it began signaling for Raoul, my mind kept asking me; "So what will you say? Please, Raoul come over and screw me for I am a horny bastard yearning for you? I might not feel a damn thing, but you might get off on me."

As he answered, I hung up. The water was still dripping from my face and body. I was so cold I was shivering, but mostly due to frustration, and then my side of the communicator signaled for an incoming call. He had re-traced the call. After what seemed an eternity I allowed for the call to go through and Raoul asked me what it was that troubled me. He heard on my voice that it was trembling, it was weak and unlike me. He asked if he should come over and my heart was celebrating this proposal, yet I denied it.

"No, I'm fine… I just wanted to ask something."

"What was it, Katze?"

His voice was tender.

"I… I forgot." I lied. Water still dripping off my face; pelting against the floor.

"Are you all right, Katze?"

"Yes, sure. I just remembered something, but it can wait till tomorrow."

Once I began lying, it was easy to pile the mendacities. It's only the first one that is hard to overcome, but once that is done, the rest is a child's play.

"I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Good night, Raoul."

Why am I this way, Artemisia? I'd better not think anymore. I'll have a bottle of scotch in the bar. Hopefully, I can get up in the morning.


	38. Scared

**Hangover: 4694-019**

Coffee break, a hangover and I have a curious chest pain. I finished that damn bottle with a pack of cigarettes. I bet another pack will be sacrificed today to calm my nerves. My head hurts and my lungs are screaming for clean air. When I came to the office today there were no traces of the murder. The reception was spotlessly clean as if it had been just recently built. I could not find even a forgotten spot of blood on the walls. But there was something in the air that was seething with an unpleasant presence. Something was boiling within everyone and the ether was but a mesh of everyone's nerves shooting through their skin. People are unusually quiet today. The coffee machine is the one making most noise. I am sitting at a table close to the windows. There are some birds flying by and right now I wish I was one of them. I wonder what it would be like to be free again. Not a eunuch who is serving, a Pet who bows or an employee. Just Katze the mongrel who is free.

I think a lot of what Raoul said the day he raped me. I think the physical pain wouldn't have been so rough if he hadn't raped my mind at the same time. He made me welcome his intrusion into my body and degrade me with each thrust. He was right though. I had willingly given up my freedom to live in a golden cage. Is it wrong of me to long for freedom now? Just because one makes a decision once, is it wrong to have a change of heart? People change their minds all the time and besides, who stays the same forever? No one! People change as well as their desire. Isn't that what defines humans? To be able to change, adapt and to search for new frontiers.

Well, I have a few minutes left. I want to tell you I had written an angry letter to Papa Downs. It was just a few words accusing him of being a deceitful bastard. I got a reply saying he wants a meeting today. It will be quite late and until then I should be able to dig deeper into Raoul's life. At least he is vulnerable now. He has his guard up, but forgets to protect the area below the belt… and that's where I'll hit next time.

* * *

**The Downs Club: 4694-020**

It is very late. I am tired. I arrived to the Downs Club just in time before the meeting started. Papa was in his office with a few distinguished guests, which in this case means the shady individuals that balance between the righteous and the sinner; like me. I recognized some of them from before, but there was one person I had not seen before. His eyes were like ice; blue-grey and focused. He took me immediately into view, seizing me and following every motion carefully. He had a nice leather jacket and a nice shirt with a tie. I assumed it was X-breed and when I approached him, my suspicions were confirmed. His ginger hair was gathered in a ponytail and he was smoking an expensive brand of cigarettes. He offered me one when I was asked to take my seat next to him. The room was filled with people, but I felt I was the only one being in the centre of attention. I hated that, but I had to accept it.

The office was dark, the lights were dim as if these dubious characters feared brightness like vampires. I was the only one seating myself near the lamp. I could see the mist of smoke from dozens of cigarettes build into a swirling mist in this confined space. They must have been there for hours before I came. Before I had the change to light my own cigarette, Papa began talking.

"I saw your letter. I'm sorry about what happened."

"The fuck you are." I snorted with that poisonous stick between my lips. It was a nice taste, but my lungs were hurting and protesting against my deteriorating health. I was lining the bronchial wall with tar, clogging my alveolar capillaries with slime, tiny ruptures and clotted blood was accumulating in the lobes. Each cigarette is taking me a step towards my grave. I don't care, Artemisia. I was so tired of life at that moment. To the point in fact that I dared to challenge the entire pack of nobodies, including Papa Downs, and pushing them against the wall to make them confess about their killing.

What I've heard made me very weak, but I had to play strong.

In short; the murder was not an order given by either X-breed or Papa Downs. They had nothing to do with it. It was a young mongrel female named Amanda who had acted on her own along with a friend. But here was the most shocking thing. You see, I have never ever raised a hand against a girl in my life for it was considered to be the most cowardly thing to do. How could I have known? I had only seen the assassin form the back dressed in a long coat. Although she was part of this operation to bring down the Black Market lords, I wouldn't have acted the way I did if I'd known. I did tell Papa that the name Dr Hannoh had mentioned on his way past me was 'Kellie', not Amanda and that he seemed to recognize her in some way. Apparently, Amanda had a twin sister who had been sold to be a Pet many years ago. The parting had been a very dramatic one involving off the street kidnapping. Amanda had been the lucky one, for she was left behind due to the fact that she was in a fire accident as a child, which left parts of her body scarred. Since then she had been looking for Kellie, and she did find her eventually; when X-breed and his team revealed the identity of the many Pet corpses. It was perhaps not the best way to reunite. Amanda had been a medical assistant at the forensic unit at the station where X-breed is working. It was such a mess, but revenge is a powerful emotion and even conquers the fear of death.

I told them I had shot both mongrels. I got a stinging glare from X-breed, but he calmed quickly although without being able to resist a comment.

"Caring for you precious boss?"

I had so many things to respond to that, yet I chose only one thing to say.

"There were eleven people killed, two of them were your own. How many more would it have been if I hadn't stopped them?"

He countered with a genius chill; "There would have been one more… your boss. The rest is collateral damage, but it is worth it at the moment. But we didn't know she would be doing this. We would have operated differently."

"Listen." I said. "The explosives, which I recognized as PRT45, were NOT something you easily have access to on Amoi. And let me see if I get this right. You said she acted on her own? Now, I know that you guys are part for the special task force, but how the heck did she get her hands on SUCH equipment? It must have been a part of your gear, for this Amanda must have lacked knowledge about what type of explosives to use to cause maximum damage. The lack of proficiency in the way she acted tells she wasn't particularly knowledgeable about conflict situations or weapons. I think she just picked up something that was close at hand and ended up using something really nasty. People were completely charred, X-breed. You see, I know a little about what the task force uses, and it is certainly not PRT45. It can only be used in special situations and is very difficult to come by. They are highly restricted in use for the plasma effects are very hard to control and the damage is huge. It is imported from…"

"The Bravarian system, yes," X-breed cut it. "Since you've been gone from Amoi, some things have changed. Even the police have to evolve with the increasing threats. We have authorization to import more exclusive weapons."

"Iason never liked that idea and he was against it. Who issued this authorization?"

"Ambassador Hazall." Papa added. I must have dropped my jaws.

"Ambassador? Hazall?! Since when?"

"Since two years back, Katze."

"But that's not of focus here." Papa tried to cut in.

"The hell it's not." I exclaimed angrily. "What does he want in return?"

That was when Papa had enough of our bickering and slammed his hand so hard against the table surface that the bottle of whisky he had near his arm fell over and rolled down on the floor where it shattered to a million pieces.

"When you are in my house, you will abide my laws! Now, I don't care who gets what from where, I only care about ceasing these Pet trading affairs. If you can't focus on the importance of this whole business, I will make sure both of you are completely annihilated. I don't care if I have to bleed you myself. I want this to stop! I want you to stop... now!"

I told them I didn't want to work under the conditions where I was at the risk of getting killed and besides, nobody said anything about killing Raoul. I had to accept the explanation that it was an accident, but Papa wanted me to dig deeper into Raoul's affairs. The summary of the letters I've read so far and sent him was not enough. They wanted more. There were too few things connecting Raoul to the trafficking business and it was then when it hit me. Why would he be connected? Was him working at a facility where implanting was possible automatically linking him to trafficking? Wasn't that just circumstantial evidence? I didn't say anything else, just listened to the instructions about me having to compile more data on everything that has to do with implantation.

I have to go to bed now. My lungs hurt and my head is spinning.

* * *

**Scared: 4694-021**

I am so scared, Artemisia. I woke up this morning with a terrible pain in the chest. I don't know it was. It felt like heartburn after some bad reflux, but I felt my lungs cramping and I rushed to the bathroom coughing like I never did before. It was such a painful attack. I was holding on to the sink as if it had been my only support in life. It was then that it came. With each cough a spray of blood was leaving my mouth. I felt my tears flood my eyes and my cheeks. I had never seen anything like that. I felt the metallic, choking taste of it in my mouth. I think it's because of yesterday. I did smoke quite a lot at Papa's club. Or maybe it is just a cold coming up.

I stayed away from cigarettes today, but I feel the craving for it. I have been drinking quite a lot though. I know what you are thinking; why drown my sorrow in a bottle instead of doing what people tell me to. Well, to hell with it. I want at least to have some fun in my life… and that is currently the bottle.  
You don't have to judge me, Artemisia. I am doing a splendid job of that myself.

I am tired tonight, so I won't work either on my programming or finding more stuff about Raoul. Trithorax has been sending me emails. I told him I couldn't talk. Not right now at least. I just want to sleep.


	39. An estranged meeting

**An estranged meeting: 4694-024**

My lungs have been heavily bothering me for days and so I stayed home today. Raoul is busy trying to clean up the mess after Dr Hannoh's death and he isn't really in the mood to care for company business now that a noose has been placed around his neck. The media is hounding him day and night and the last thing on his mind is working with science development. Events like this make the stocks go down (I heard they had fallen) and the company looses its financial position. I bet he is losing millions by the day. I somehow feel sorry for him, but I have to agree with Papa in that this trafficking has to stop. I am however, curious as to just how deeply Raoul is involved. Since I can't work on my programming, I will continue with the files in a chronological order.

It is another real time recording, but this one is not coded like the one before. Before I play it I need a cigarette. I can't even think straight without them anymore.

This is pretty strange. It is only parts of a recording from Lord Khemani's gathering a few years back. I remember this, but I don't remember this particular event recorded. I know this, for I was there to deliver a grand pet to Khemani on behalf of Iason. It was a most exclusive Pet, and yes, I do remember Raoul being in a foul mood that day. I understand now why it was so.

This recording was from a nearby room in Khemani's grand residence. I see this young Blondie again. He is arguing with Raoul about something. He hardly reaches Raoul to the shoulders, but he is pretty as a golden morning, and he has an attitude that matches it. As I understand from the arguments Raoul has blocked the only source of communication to Aelthreics' customers; namely his Sozerian account. Here are the interactions, Artemisia.

"Lord Am, you know I've never been the kind of person who acts from the shadows when there is something I don't like about another person. I hand out reprimands as well as take reprimands when I truly have deserved it. As a direct person, I do encourage people to treat me the same way. Now..."

Aeltheric takes out a whip from his belt and unfolds it until it reaches its entire length. It is made out of genuine oxen hide and its sting cuts through the air with a fierce snap that rings in the ears long after the whip rests on the floor. He provokes Raoul, saying; "Take it!"

Then he backs away from Raoul while unbuttoning his own shirt. The garment ends up on a nearby chair. Shoes are kicked off and the buckle around the waist is undone. Within seconds a naked young man leans over the surface of the ebony desk in the study. The light from the lamp surrounds him with a glowing halo and his skin shimmers like velvet. His voice is steady as he turns his head and says; "Next time you wish to punish me for some reason, do it more directly instead of tampering with my source of income. That's not honest, besides you enjoyed the offerings of my profession as well, haven't you? You know, what goes around comes around and things might return to you too when you least expect it. After this, you can't say I wasn't able to take your disapproval as a man. How many lashes do you think you'll need to still your anger towards me? Ten? Fifty? A hundred?"

I see as the young lad grabs on to the ebony desk and shuts his eyes with a final demand.

"Go ahead. Do as you please..."

Raoul is not so pleased though. He looks upon the oxen whip. It was thrown on the table as if it was a piece of trash. I know he has never liked causing pain, but at times he has been playing for fun. Never to the same extent as Iason. Raoul has always had too empathy for that. I guess that's why he was only second in command. He is very smart and cunning at times, but never blunt. I think Jupiter never really thought Iason would fail his duties and therefore she dared to appoint Raoul to succeed the great Lord Mink. Raoul, however, declined when the time came. It didn't surprise me. He has never been fond of politics. He is too smart for that… and at times, far too decent. He seems unable to appreciate the beauty of the whip at this time, and he seems confused and angry; a torrent of emotions is released.

"Take it? And do what with it, Aethelric? Fulfill your wants and desires for punishment by the great Lord Am? Bah! I refuse. It is of no surprise to me that you have done your studies… anything to further yourself along and embarrass the privileged. To have knowledge of the only time I agreed to play with an oxen whip took some digging on your part, for THIS is not public record."

Raoul stops behind Aethelric on this note and violently grabs the hair of the boy! Pulling the Blondie's' head towards his chest as he growls like an animal.

"You have lost your clothing, my dear inamorato. Perhaps a whipping is not what you really had in mind? You are very beautiful, my darling, this is something you know already. Correct?"

This young lad makes an effort to turn but Raoul holds him close and continues (but I can see that he is burning for the lad although he denies it).

"No, stop precious, don't say a word, let me talk. I adore the whip." Raoul's grip tightens again. "I am the master in the field. I love the sound when the tip tears into the flesh of another. There is nothing like the screams coming from the guilty because their blood is flowing freely. Do you know what it does to me? DO YOU?"

He is lying. Raoul hates the blood and pleasure mixed together. He is just playing. I know it, but he is a good actor. If I hadn't known him this well, I would have believed his every word. I see at this point, Aethelric has realized that he has miscalculated the actions of this man and uncertain about this discovery, he tries to break free. Struggling, kicking, spitting accomplishes nothing, except the laughter from Raoul.

"Where were we? Oh yes, the tearing of flesh from the whip. Oh, dear Jupiter, such lovely thoughts. After this, you can't say I wasn't able to take your disapproval as a man? I believe those were your words. I just want to tell you that a pet can take 100 strokes easily and karma is nothing but a fool's belief. Another thing my princess, I plan to do as I please, whenever I please. Who is there to stop me?"

What surprises me is that Aethelric stares back and though it's evident he has miscalculated Master Am, he still replies in a way that managed to tame the hatred out of Raoul.

"Lord Am." He begins with a meek voice. "You can spit insults into my face all you want. Humiliating me, belittling me, and you are right, no one will stop you."

He looks so innocent, Artemisia, and those big eyes are devouring your soul when you look into them. He is so different from the other Blondies. I wonder where this boy comes from? Well, in any case, he continues as his voice grows increasingly steady.

"I am used to all that, by now. My greatest crime among Blondies was being created the way I am. I am sure you went through your Academy years with your Headmaster without any greater extent of trouble. I, on the other hand..."

Oh, my goodness, Artemisia, this kid is nuts! He just picked up a letter-opener, stabbed it into his hand and slashed across it. The blood is freely flowing from the wound and as a few drops seek their way to the very tip of the fingers, he brings his hand to the perfectly shaped lips of Raoul. With a gentle touch, he traces the contours of the lovely mouth (yes, I have to admit, Raoul looks stunning in that dim lighting and with his soul exposed like that) leaving behind a trail of red as he continues.

"I am used to pain. In fact it's been my only companion for years. You have had the privilege too feel the warmth of a touch... but not everyone is as libidinous as you are, my Lord. My behind is off limits to everyone unless I invite that kind of thing."

HAHAHA! That kid has nerve. I am surprised it has been three seconds since he said that and he is still alive. I've never EVER heard anyone put Raoul into place like that. Not even Iason. Way to go Aethelric! I have to look this kid up for he seems like a fascinating person. I reckon he knows the Blondie nature too well and knows exactly what button to push and how often. But I must say, Artemisia, Aethelric looks very bruised as well – in his soul. He has something in his eyes that I cannot discern from the recording and the dim lighting in the room although I have tried to remove all background noise from the feature. I have increased lighting on the screen, but it is still very dark in the room. So far, this little lad looks to me like he is a bit of a rogue amongst his own. Now he steps boldly up to Raoul, grazing lightly the delicate fabric of his bodysuit over the bulging crotch (that is obvious that even I can see it on the screen – yes, Raoul is fairly well-equipped). But as far as I can see, Aethelric isn't completely untouched by desire. Raoul remains frozen like a statue but his firm gaze anchored into the youthful eyes as Aethelric speaks.

"So when you stare at me smiling like that, it doesn't make me feel ashamed. Come on, Lord Am, you don't need to stare at it so bluntly. I am sure you've seen an erect manhood before... and please, before you speak another insult, let me counteract you by saying I am aware of your wish to comment the size just to feel that you have the upper-hand. No need. You have the upper-hand already, which is quite obvious of how my body reacted despite the fact that I didn't want it to. I admit my defeat this time; you've won. Is that what you want to hear... besides... is this the handle of another whip in your pocket? Oh wait! I forgot that Blondie suits don't come with pockets. Is it really only me searching for fulfillment? You miss it too, don't you... just like the desert misses the rain."

Well what do you know; the boy is poetic in his ways, but he is brave enough to reach for the lovely face that focuses on him with a displeasing frown. I love when Raoul is mad. I've seen that so many times, Artemisia. You know, when he is angry he gets a slight twitch in his face, and tiny, yet adorable wrinkles appear on the bridge of his nose – like that on a little pup. Even in his devouring anger, he is exuding a captivating beauty; that's Raoul in a nutshell. But Aethelric doesn't seem to back off. He is really talkative.

"I assure you that pain doesn't do it for me. The whip you are holding in your hand is the one that put me through years of agony and taught me about the Blondie race... and I've kept it to remind myself of where I belong. But if you say it is one of your fetishes, then it is also most likely the language you speak best. So talk to me, and if a hundred words are not enough... shout at me as many times as you want if that is what you want to still your anger. So repeat yourself until the message sinks in.

That boy is unbelievable, Artemisia. What else can I say? I would be as stunned, I am as stunned as I see Raoul is on the screen. Surprisingly, Raoul doesn't make any sudden moves and he doesn't even raise his hands against that boy. He walks up to the armchair where Aethelric's clothes are and he throws the heap of fabric to the lad ordering him to get dressed. Aethelric seems to move almost with automatic motions as if getting dressed in that tangling, folding and complex outfit was as easy as a heartbeat. For me it would take hours.

NO! You can never believe what happened. Oh, I wish you would have been more human to actually witness these sudden changes in the course of events as they happen. Well, Artemisia, Raoul walked up to the lad saying; "You have extended your time long enough, Aethelric and I now wish for you to be gone… out of my life."

As a response the boy throws himself into Raoul's arms and kisses him deeply. And the most delicious part is, I see Raoul fighting at first, but then giving into it. He is motionless even if he is not an active player; Raoul cannot break free from this young Blondie. Prostitute or not, someone with such seductive power deserves respect. I really want to meet this guy.

Finally, Raoul manages to break the kiss, but he is not angry. Lifting his forehead from his chest, Raoul asks of him; "Aethelric, no, no no… no need to apologize." Kissing his bottom lip, Raoul continues. "I really have to think about this. I have to go… I have an important meeting tomorrow. I'll keep in touch. Keep checking your mail."

Well, Artemisia, there is no more happening on the screen and there are no letters in chronological order from Raoul to Aethelric following this event. I guess he lied to the young lad, for the next email is dated two weeks later and it's between Iason and Raoul. I'll go through those tomorrow. I am really tired and my lungs are acting up again. I have this strange metallic taste in my mouth, but I haven't coughed blood. Kangyee at work has contracted a virulent disease last week. He hadn't noticed anything for months but last week he started urinating blood. I checked up on this virus and it seems like it hits the kidneys as much as it hits the lungs, but it's often either or. I will have to get some pills and it will pass. Kangyee's cousin is a pharmacist and he will give me a prescription for three weeks. He says it will pass then.


	40. Getting Nearer

**Getting nearer: 4694-027**

I picked up my medication today and I took the first four pills of the day. That metallic taste has disappeared, which is good, but the pain returns now and then. Kangyee said it will take some time, but it will work eventually.

I have checked through the letters and it seems this Aethelric has really touched Raoul for the discussions between Iason and Raoul are running deep in a way I have never witnessed before. What I recall about this is that it was around this time Raoul and Iason was starting to mend their wounded relationship. I bet Aethelric put Raoul into that impossible situation Iason was caught in, and in some way they got closer again. Both could identify with the other one's problems. Too bad it ended so soon after their reunion.

* * *

_Message from: Lord Raoul Am  
Received by: Iason Mink  
℘raoul.amΞtbmc.fxt.7297℘  
4688-083_

_Dearest Iason,_

_I need you to put aside our differences for a little while and read this letter with the purity we once shared. You see, I am at a breaking point. I have stumbled over great passion, perhaps my only true purpose in life, but I do not know how to handle it. Disturbing thoughts have been haunting me for an unfortunate display is taking me to places that I do not want to remember._

_Do you remember the Academy? Do you remember the day I came back to the dorm silent… as I remained for days? I never told you what happened, but I think I may have run into someone who is that part of me, or rather what I used to be. He has reawakened memories I thought were lost in the past, but I have not been able to sleep or focus on my work as this young man has overtaken my mind. I tried to break free and push him away, for he is but a simple prostitute, but he said something he last time that made me think. He said; "My only crime among Blondies was to be born in the way I am…" and I have to admit he surpasses everything one can ask in terms of beauty. Well, I am nowhere in comparison and that is not what I am trying to say, but for the first time, I understood him, someone, for I could identify myself with him. I suppose this is what is called "empathy". I have read the definition of this word so many times, but it seems I have always had a wall in my mind, shielding me from its true meaning. Wasn't this what supposed to make us different from the mongrels? To be able to control this waste of emotion that only taints the peace out of ones mind and heart._

_I was pressed against the door to the lavatory and a sigh came from Mehkan as he leaned against me. "Kawai darling," He said as if talking to a simpleton. "It matters not one iota of a credit to me how much you fight or scream. I mean really now." His hand wrapped itself in my locks and with the other caressing the side of a cheek, he positioned his mouth close to my ear and continued his realm of abuse. "You are nothing but a little junior as yet, and as befits a senior, I take it on as my duty to initiate you into this world. This sickness of yours, of being a cock-teasing beauty, has but one cure. Can you guess, Kawai?" I was at a loss for words as I felt his tongue invade my mouth. It was my first kiss and not a particularly unpleasant one, although the events to follow are not something I remember with warmth. Attempting not let fear take me over, I started to compose my thoughts, but what could I do to stop him? There was nothing. He was stronger, my senior and there was this tradition with the initiation; besides we were all waiting to be initiated in order to be considered more grown up. No one wanted to be the junior, right?_

_My hands were held down, but what I found most interesting in that whole insane situation, was how quickly the body learns to cope. It is amazing how it relaxes when it is being assaulted and shuts down the mind from the surreal events taking place. And the strangest thing was, that I didn't feel anything afterwards. I was silent, but in some strange way, I didn't regret it. Mehkan kept his eyes on me for the entire year he was remaining at the Academy, but his label for me survived all those four years. was wondering why I had been initiated a bit differently than most other (although I know there were others treated just like me), but I came to the conclusion after a while that it was just because I fitted the taste of someone more powerful than me… at least back then._

_I know you are wondering why I am circling the subject without getting to the point, but please, bear with me for a moment. I keep wondering of all the rules Jupiter sets for all of us and we abide them without a question, but why is it so? I know you broke the rules when you took Riki into your household and I also know you care not if the whole world shatters around you – those were your words. But is it all worth it? And what is it like to be so obsessed? Do the feelings change with time?_

_Kind regards,_

_Raoul_

* * *

By the grace of Jupiter. I never thought it was possible for a Blondie to fall; not like this. I see that Raoul is caught and he is fighting to breathe and make sense in his life, but he is fighting in impossible feeling in my point of view. Indeed, love isn't something you just shake off. But there is actually one thing that baffles me. He seems quite well aware that as a Blondie, he is not supposed to be weak and feel like we do, and he also knows he will be going against Jupiter by doing so, yet he can't keep away. I don't know what to say, but I respect this.

I am also a bit disturbed about his past. I didn't know Raoul had been in such trouble at the Academy. I didn't think Blondies ever engaged in such activities, but I guess some basic instincts are so deeply rooted, that not even the genius of Jupiter manages to break them. I wonder, was it his starvation for affection and the curiosity of being close to feel another body the reason to why he never reported the rape? I can understand that he was a real cutie. That is a subject I touched upon before as you know, but I don't care to think about it anymore. However, he still didn't deserve it, did he? On the other hand, did I deserve to get neutered just to be able to climb out of the gutter? My only way to the light was either by being a prostitute, a Pet, or to be a servant. I know I have regretted being a Eunuch, but the question is, would I have regretted being a Pet? I guess, there are two sides to this. As a Pet I wouldn't have been kept as long as I have. I would have been exchanged a lot quicker, but during that short period of time, I would have lived twice as much.

* * *

_Message from: Lord Iason Mink  
Received by: Raoul Am  
℘i.minkΞsyncorp.cyx.3268℘  
4688-083_

_My dear Raoul,_

_It has been a while since we were able to speak in a friendlier tone. I appreciate your frank approach and I can only answer you one thing on your questions; It's worth it all. But tell me, and excuse my impertinence, what has captured you so much?_

_Your friend,_

_Iason_

* * *

_Message from: Lord Raoul Am  
Received by: -none- (saved as draft)  
℘raoul.amΞtbmc.fxt.7297℘  
4688-XXX_

_My dear Iason,_

_What made me fall? I have a hard time answering that, my dear friend. I find myself battling with demons from the past and I grow weak in his presence. It must be shocking for you to hear, but this young lad is under my skin in a way I thought was just not possible. The last time I spoke to him my mind was filled with antagonistic thoughts, but his words filtered through the hum of noise and I began to ask myself What is that sound? That voice? Is it angels? Looking over to where this melodious voice was coming from, I dismissed these thoughts and tried to focus on what Aethelric (that is his name) was talking about. Quizzically looking at the boy, I must have made some inadvertent movement or could I have said something, but somehow it seems I had given Aethelric the permission that he was seeking. With a hunger, the young lad displayed all that he was feeling with a forbidden kiss. The suddenness of having my mouth swallowed with abandonment and finding my arms full of such eagerness caught my by surprise! Emotions I haven't felt for so long, allowed me to reciprocate and NOT push the aggressive youth away. I knew it was wrong, but he is so good at what he is and it had been so long. I felt my body come alive from the depth of my stomach to the very tip of my fingers. I made the decision to enjoy the moment and played my role. Letting my mouth be plundered by delicious sweetness for what seemed like eternity, caused me to frown at certain thoughts that took over. I need know how far this "strumpet" of mine here will go. I really do. I WANT to invite him into my bed. It's been there empty for so long. Well, I wonder will he join me? No questions asked…_

_Yours truly,_

_Raoul_

_PS: Do you suppose I should ask my trusted furniture, Henrick, to prepare an extra room for this weekend? I think I will._

* * *

I don't know if you noticed, Artemisia, but this email was never sent to Iason. It is still just a draft. Maybe Raoul made up his mind seeing his own words and decided to act without the opinion or guidance of another. I don't know, but it is the most personal thing I've ever read from Raoul so far. He seems really confused and, not to mention, I think he was falling in love with that boy.

Anyway, there are no more letters. I don't know where this strange obsession led, but I would like to know more. I will look through the other files too, but I need to have things structure chronologically to make sense.

Oh, hey, I remember Henrick. He was a tall and quite fair- haired young man. He had been castrated a bit too early in life (I know it wasn't by Raoul though) and that is why he grew so tall. He was almost as tall as Iason, which meant sniffing air slightly above Raoul. Testosterone is a hormone that also diminishes bone growth with time and those young lads who get castrated too early tend to grow very tall. He also had very feminine features and a little smoother in the curves, a little like a girl. He was a pretty thing though. Raoul doesn't know, but even I had a go at him. He lacked both testicles and a penis, but we had fun still and he had an ability to come anyway. Well, let's leave that. I wonder where he is now? He was such a sweet person, the only one not even I had the heart to sell or to treat badly; and neither did Raoul. He was most pleased with Henrick.

Come to think of it, maybe he could tell me things I didn't know. What do you think? Ok, maybe a silly thought. I'll leave it at that.


	41. Tears, Blood and Essence

**I ran into to Trithorax!! 4694-030**

I have had a nice day at work, but just as I was about to leave, I got a message on my email. It was from Trithorax and my heart started pounding like crazy. I've been trying to avoid him for a long time. I have hardly spoken to him since New Year's. I read the letter and responded; agreeing to his wish to talk to me online tonight. I don't know what to say to him. Five days ago I was almost killed along with my boss by those who are from his neighborhood. I know he is going to be very offended for he was truly giving all of himself to me and I have not even bothered to invite him for a chat. I have been in a really confused state between my beloved Trithorax and my loathsome boss, who have dragged me into impossible feelings. I had to keep them both at a distance.

I had a small chat with Trithorax. Neither of us was in the mood to talk really. I told him swiftly about the past few days and though I know he tried his best to listen and be thoroughly involved, but I sensed that lack of energy he normally exudes. He wasn't very talkative so it was mostly me telling him about the two weeks that have passed by since New Years Eve. We didn't even touch upon the subject of that lovely time we shared. It was almost as if we feared it would be ruined since our feelings were not there. Instead we kept on talking about the dull everyday life.

I told Tri about the things I found about my boss; this Aethelric. He said the whole idea about Blondie pets was preposterous, but nonetheless intriguing. I explained that one person who could perhaps give me some ideas about what really happened off scene, i.e. what I cannot see from the letters, is Henrick. . Problem is I don't know where he is and asking Raoul would be too obvious. After all that has happened he will definitely be very suspicious about me asking for Henrick. Then Trithorax actually came up with a pretty good lie. He said; "Why don't you pretend that you were at a café and saw a person who reminded you of him? Happens to me all the time."

He could be right, Artemisia. And… hold on… phone.

Oh my, it's Raoul. I will connect you to Skylink. Hold on.

_Call connected through Skylink; monitoring extension number +46 70247 6711, address book match; Raoul Am (home)._

  
Receiver: Yes?

Raoul Am (home): Katze?

Receiver: Yes. How are you, Raoul?

Raoul Am (home): I can't sleep.

Receiver: Is it that late? I haven't even noticed the time. Oh my, it's 24:68. So why can't you sleep?

Raoul Am (home): I've been thinking about you, Katze. I don't know how else to put it, but you have taken the sleep out of me.

Receiver: Sorry. Anything else?

Raoul Am (home): Katze…

Receiver: Yeah?

Raoul Am (home): Please don't be like that.

Receiver: Like what?

Raoul Am (home): So angry all the time. Isn't it tiring? I find it tiring… not you, but when I am angry like that for a long time. I always get tired in the end. Too tired even to stay angry.

Receiver: I have a good reason, Raoul. You raped me and then I saved your damn life and you don't even look at me for days.

Raoul Am (home): That's why I called.

Receiver: Oh yeah? All right… what is it?

Raoul Am (home): I want to thank you for saving my life. You protected me and kept me safe and you've been there for me in more ways that you can imagine. When it comes to me raping you, I want you to file a report against me. I will give you a fair treatment. I won't hire any top lawyers or any company vulture to bury you. If you win the battle, I am at your mercy. I have already prepared the papers for you, Katze. If you doubt my intentions, I can send the security tape, the documents and even the towel that still carries your blood.

Receiver: What, you kept it? You kept the towel?

Raoul Am (home): Yes. I just couldn't throw it away.

Receiver: Why? You know that's a bit weird, Raoul.

Raoul Am (home): Tell me about it. What has been sane in the past year, Katze?

Receiver: Nothing. Especially not you.

Raoul Am (home): Katze, I did a terrible thing to you and before you say anything, I am not looking for your forgiveness or for sympathy… but I have something to confess.

Receiver: Oh? What's that?

Raoul Am (home): I know I hurt you. You were bleeding, but I'm sure you were hurting more on the inside. I broke your trust. Am I right?

Receiver: Yes… you… you took something from me. Raoul… I couldn't believe it… you took… you took something I cared about and… and you turned it into something… cheap. You may be experiencing nice things all the time, you have that luxury, whereas I have to treasure what little I get.

Raoul Am (home): Katze, I have nothing to say in my defense except that I couldn't stop myself. I wanted you to see me, but you only saw others.

Receiver: Raoul, stop confusing me. Look, I know you were a master in manipulating people. You were, you still are, Jupiter's golden boy next to Iason. She gave you the special ability to twist and swirl those lies with the truth until no one knew what was right or wrong. But if you care the least about me, then don't do that to me.

Raoul Am (home): Katze, I am not lying. You know more about me than anyone else and I know more about you than you think, but you keep on hiding and pushing me away. Don't you think that I enjoyed those moments on Aaïryn too?

Receiver: It's different for me! I thought when we were at Aaïryn, that maybe you cared. Maybe just a little. I was so happy. Why, Raoul? Why the hell did you have to ruin that? I was really happy!

Raoul Am (home): C'mon, pussycat…

Receiver: Don't you fucking call me that! Don't you fucking dare! Don't you destroy that too!

Raoul Am (home): I apologize, Katze, and I won't call you that again.

Receiver: That's the point, Raoul. Damn you. That's the point.

Raoul Am (home): What is? I don't understand.

Receiver: I still want you to say it. I still want to hear it… it's insane. After all you've done I still want you to call me or do something to make me feel special.

Raoul Am (home): Katze…

Receiver: I don't want to listen to you anymore, you manipulative bastard. Just leave me alone.

Raoul Am (home): No, not tonight pussycat, and if you'll hang up I'll just call you right back and if you turn off the communicator entirely, I will come over there. You hear me?

Receiver: That would be nice for a change.

Raoul Am (home): What? To come over?

Receiver: Yes, but I don't want you to. It would be nice to see you, but I don't want to touch you. I don't want you near me.

Raoul Am (home): Katze, how did your friend Trithorax manage to catch your interest over such a dead medium as a screen? Please, tell me.

Receiver: It's private, Raoul. It does not pertain to you.

Raoul Am (home): You're right, Kat, but still… I am curious. Please tell me. I beg of you.

Receiver: Beg? Hah! The day I see you do that will be a day to rejoice.

Raoul Am (home): Please Katze.

Receiver: I saw him naked, Raoul all right? He was, unlike you, daring. He dared to expose himself and he dared to give a little of himself to a person he hardly knew. Even if through a screen, a dead medium as you say, he made me feel alive. He made me feel in a way I never done before.

Raoul Am (home): Thank you, Kat. I appreciate it.

Receiver: Fuck you, Raoul. I'm going to bed now.

Raoul Am (home): Have a nice weekend… pussycat.

Receiver: Raoul, I said…

Raoul Am (home): Shh, pussycat. Don't put any thoughts into it. Just enjoy it or once. Good night.

Receiver: Good night.

_Call disconnected by receiver._

I was so scared to continue the conversation with Raoul. He was right, I should enjoy it more, but I am scared. Scared of life, scared to live. What is there for me out there? My life with Iason is the only thing I know. That's when I lived. Now… I am in limbo between a young man I desire on screen (his soul and his words) and Raoul whom I desire in life (his poisonous touch and his traitorous mind). This is not life. How can I be trapped between two so completely different people? How could I desire Raoul's mind? I need to rest. I am so tired, Artemisia.

* * *

**  
Tears, Blood and Essence on my pillow: 4694-031**

I slept in late, Artemisia. I am getting more and more tired these days, and there was blood on my pillow again. When I stepped into the bathroom I could still see the blood between my teeth as red stripes that outlined the shape of my teeth. It looked hideous. Hardly human. But then again, I don't feel human anymore. My chest is aching and I have taken a few more pills. I tell you, I could eat these by the dozens and it wouldn't help. I don't know what's happening, but I think I need to make an appointment with a physician.

There, I ordered some breakfast up to my room and the concierge was really fast in bringing it up. Oatmeal, boiled eggs and a fruit salad and tea to drink. I love weekends. I made my bed and put on my trainers, the projector is showing some cartoons humming in the background and you are in my lap.

I will hopefully have a relaxing afternoon, however, there is something else I need to tell you. Something that happened last night. It will blow your mind. There was a knock on my door that awoke me in the middle of the night. At first I thought whoever it was could go to hell, but it kept on knocking until I got up and answered the door. It was Raoul. He looked like an angel standing there in his long, white robe and his golden hair flowing over the shoulders. I thought I was dreaming, but as he walked past me, the fresh cool air he brought with him made me shiver into focus. He was very real – very mortal. My Blondie said nothing, just paraded into the apartment, into my bedroom, and positioned my armchair at a distance from the bed. Then he sat down on the very edge of the bed and with a slight nod he made me understand that the chair was for none other but me. I sat down with a nonchalant act, watching him with a belittling expression. Neither of us spoke for what seemed an eternity. I saw how his eyes devoured me, making my stomach quiver with anticipation and I hate the fact that he always has this effect on me. Following a hardly noticeable sigh, Raoul kicked off his shoes and undid the belt around his waist, exposing his naked body as the robe fell to the floor. He sat down again, the bed giving way to his massive weight, and he just kept on watching me without saying anything. Despite the fact that I loathe him, Raoul is really desirable and my fingertips were itching so badly for a single touch, but I had to deny myself that. He had come here for reconciliation and I couldn't imagine greater pleasure than to humiliate him and drag him into the shame I had once submerged in. I snorted as I watched him and lit a cigarette whilst waiting for a response from him, but when nothing emerged I gave him a command. A little devil inside me was waking up.

"So work it up then." I exhaled with the smoke. "Or am I to watch that dead snake in your lap the night through?"

I don't think he had counted on me being so cold and strong, but my skin had grown thicker the past weeks. His reluctance was great, but I was relentless and I loved every second he suffered. He really didn't want to offer himself to be displayed like that, but it was my turn to play and for some reason he acknowledged it. Usually, Raoul's body is more fiery than a furnace and agile like a soldier, but this time, his soldier was fallen and was very unresponsive. I am ashamed to say it, Artemisia, but his misery ignited some kind of deviance in me that was released in an aggressive impatience as I rushed up to him and pinned him to the bed. I blew the remaining smoke in my lungs into his face, making him frown and cough whilst I gorged in his misery. I climbed on top of him, pulling down my training pants just enough to expose my hips and as I began rubbing my genitals against him, Raoul came alive just as I had expected.

I must say, it's funny how the mind can take control over the body when the rush of adrenaline sharpens the instincts, and whether it flows from a source of hatred or passion doesn't really matter. As I rubbed and ground my hips against his, I completely forgot about my incapability. My mind was my biggest sexual organ and that worked flawlessly. My body rocked above his, stimulating me in a way it remembered from those genetically imprinted movements of copulation; and after a while I was actually reaching towards a climax. This has never happened to me before. But each thrust generated frictions against my maimed hips that in that confused state, my mind mimicked the lustful penetrations of a lover as I started ascending to the peak of the sensations. I refused to give him pleasure, although I must admit he asked for nothing; it was only my selfish pleasures and I. My body was slapping against his, and though I was high on elation, my eyes were anchored into his with hatred. I couldn't rape him physically, but in my mind he was being brutally ravaged; Raoul could sense this for the veil of submission covered his entire complexion. He stole a few gasps of pain as his groin was squeezed between our hips, but I didn't care about hurting him. The sex wasn't enjoyable even though I managed to ejaculate over him and it was certainly not enjoyable for him, since his erection had dissipated long before my climax unfolded. I lay on his broad chest for a few seconds, refusing to inhale that scent I loved more than anything, and when he attempted to put a comforting hand on my shoulders I threw his arms off my body. Raoul said nothing just lay still until I got up. I didn't even look as I picked up his exquisite robe of fine, white alpaca wool and threw it on top of him, knowing it would be stained and ruined by the disgust I had just emptied over him. With the heartening kindness of "Now get the fuck out of here, Blondie." I lit a cigarette and opened the front door, waiting for him to get out. Without a word he did as he was told. As he halted a few seconds in the doorway, my heart screamed out for him to hear, but luckily it was mute to everyone but me and I refused to listen to it. That stupid, traitorous heart of mine. Raoul looked at me and I blew the smoke into his face again, casting a swift glance towards the hall outside my apartment in a wordless command for him to leave. And he did leave. He left with a stinging comment that still lingers on within these walls. Raoul said, "You know Katze, you'd make a fine Blondie." He then kissed my cheek and left without even looking back.


	42. The News

**The news: 4694-032**

The weekend has hardly started and I am already restless with worry. I thought I'd have the opportunity to relax and take it easy, but it doesn't seem to be that way.

I turned on the news and guess who I saw there? Hazall! And guess what the news was about – well, apparently he is running for the post of Chief of Staff, the highest-ranking member of the Executive Office of the Amoian Syndicate and a senior aide to the CEO. Well, he can try but I don't think he'll make it. He has power, I agree, but for that he also needs powerful friends in high places and after Iason, it was Raoul who was appointed second in command. He had hated it, and so he was officially off the hook as the advisor of the current head of syndicate, but I know it is just for show. Raoul is running the business from behind closed doors as he has always has been. He has no will to be a public person, especially not since he had seen how exposed Iason had been to scrutiny due to his line of work. I know Raoul hates it when someone is digging into his life and that's when his less charismatic side surfaces. Well, Raoul never had the charisma Iason possessed, but he has something else. He has charm and he is a little naïve in his ways. I don't know how to put it, but he is a little bit like treat-others-the-way-you-want-to-be-treated-kind of guy. However, crossing him is most unwise, just like Mimea learned. I know Iason could get mad as a rabid dog sometimes, but I think Raoul is dangerous. His anger is more sinister. He can charm you into death with that smile and he does not hesitate if you fall out of his favor.

My lungs are a bit better now. I think I will take a walk and have dinner out. I'll talk to you more when I come back.

* * *

**  
X-breed: 4694-032**

Well, my darling, my world keeps on getting crazier and crazier. I went to the Café to have a bite of something and to drink my usual coffee with passion cake. They were out of passion cake so I settled for a lemon-poppy seed muffin. Very nice, but then my enjoyable moment was ruined by someone who decided to have a little chat with me. I saw X-breed coming into the Café, but even though he said it was a "nice" surprise to see me there, I bet he knew perfectly well that he'd run into me there. Agreed, I am always sitting at the table nearest the window, for there is a remote corner where the leather chairs are so comfortable and usually I have you in my lap there. I also have my back against the corner and hence, no one can see what I am typing or doing on my computer.

Well, it's almost evening and I went out there at noon. He had loads to talk to me about and it has resulted in me being more confused than ever. Believe it or not, but he said they were close to bring down Raoul. I was wondering how that was possible for the information I gave them before was not enough to go on.

"That doesn't matter. We have located a beacon that has flashed a few times towards your boss' workplace."

"So?" I asked. "A beacon flashes towards any server it can snap up in the ether. It is part of the diversion, Carr (his real name apparently)."

"Yes, but not this precisely in terms of time."

He caught my attention there, I can tell you. According to Carr, the beacon has homed in on Raoul's office computer on a regular basis, which I must admit is a bit amateur form the person behind the beacon. I couldn't find a way to explain that, so I settled for listening in to what Carr had to say.

"The beacon comes from Ceres and better yet the "Honey district"."

For your information, my darling Artemisia, the District is the wasteland where the laws are neutral. Mongrel and Blondie fall into equality. Everyone denies it, but it exists; the place where Masters can be Pet and Pets be the Masters. It all happens in a mutual understanding and thus the law is kept outside of it. Or better yet, Jupiter is kept outside of it.

"Carr." I began with a big sigh. "That place is known to be the neutral universe where good and evil can intertwine without your ability to interfere. If Raoul wants to have a little fun outside of his usual playground, then it is up to him, really."

"Katze, are you really as dumb as you're naïve?"

I thought I'd kill the bastard – right then and there.

"I had my doubts about putting you on to this task, but Papa was persistent in having you as a mole. You are damaged goods kid."

Carr leaned close to me and for the first time I could see how worn his face was from the troubles of the world. I am sure I will walk along the same path some day and age in the same way. His short hair was grey at the temples and his eyebrows were locked in a constant frown as if that was the only thing he was capable of doing. I wonder if he had ever smiled. He kept on talking to me.

"You have been around them for a long time and they have rubbed their sent off on you." He hissed as he sniffed in the air at my direction. "I can smell his breath on you kid and I know you've been more than just an employee for your boss. He fucked you, didn't he?"

"I think we are done for now." I muttered and stood up. But then he threw a set of statements after me that made me halt, at least for the time he spat them at me.

"There're bigger players here than you can comprehend, Katze, and the game's more deeply rooted than any of us can grasp. Raoul is involved in handling those Pets and we will find out the truth behind all this. We're giving it a huge effort, and if you are smart, you will start digging deeper and find the source of the beacon. Raoul's days are numbered… you'll have to act quickly."

Right, so here I am lover, preparing to go to the office. There was something about the way Carr said, "Raoul's days are numbered…you'll have to act quickly", that made me really worry. I don't know why, but he sure lit a fire under my ass. I'll change and head over to the office. Most likely it will take a while before I can come home. Don't wait up, Artemisia.

* * *

**Pointless: 4694-033**

It is pointless to try to back trace to a beacon. It's so evasive that it's just not possible. The time is 20'63 and I came home about an hour ago. Yes, I spent the entire freaking majority of my day and last night trying to find the path to the beacon. Well, I couldn't There was no specific signature or anything I could go on. Nothing I could snap up at least. You know, Artemisia, every impulse and message that is sent is still in the ether. It lingers on for the rest of time, but is masked by billions of other segments of information that has been sent to/from/within Amoi and trying to find his specific little message to and from the beacon is far worse than a needle in a haystack; more like an atom in the Universe. Well, Jupiter has that ability but for that I would need access to her platform and dive into the ether myself. Sure she will let me do it – NOT! Especially if I explain why. Well, I have done that once before, or rather a simulation of it. It was at the Academy where the concept of Jupiter's greatness was being demonstrated and I volunteered to "be inside the head" of Jupiter for a few seconds. I tell you, as much as I hate her, she is the most complex artificial intelligence I've ever seen. Her head is not a dark world. It was full with the brightness of billions of impulses that were hailing around you specific patterns and frequencies building up an incomprehensible structure of a vast mesh that could be broken down into singular strands of information paths, which in turn were made up of billions of small data packages. It was all quantum mechanics and it was intriguing how a single path in her mind could govern and contain information that took the capacity of all the computers on Amoi to process – and to think that she had billion of these little paths. Anyway, she could home in on that beacon in a matter of seconds and pick out every single piece of information that was ever sent from it. Well, let's just rule her out.

I did find some other things that I have taken home. But to me that is just as confusing as the beacon. It has something to do with Raoul's work. Looking at the date when the files were last open, I could tell he had been in yesterday, just a few hours before I arrived there. It is regarding that file called TrxG. I have almost forgotten about it, but at least I have an updated version of it now. Here is a piece of information from it. It is biochemistry at it's best, and I don't understand much of it, but what I read in one of the sections made me shiver to the bone. I had to finish half a pack of cigarettes and two swift glasses of whisky before I could continue reading. Here is that section that scared me the most. Why the hell didn't I look at this before?

"_Multi cellularity requires a way to maintain cellular identity through generations, which is provided by the protein complexes PcG and TrxG. The two protein groups work antagonistically in a way such that, whilst the PcG family establishes chromatin silencing, the TrxG family propagates gene activity._

There are two types of cell compartments established during embryogenesis, distinguished by their differentiation potency; Germ and Somatic cells.  
Germ cells maintain a high order of plasticity, whereas the somatic cells are incapable of differentiating once established and on the genome level they are different on the level of repressive histone marks, which are no longer visible at the pericentromeric foci. Normally proliferating cells show bout 15-20 heterochromatic foci. Loss of genome plasticity and proliferation capabilities occurs in senescent (aging) cells in which a large number of heterochromatic foci can be found. Cancer cells on the other hand show a change in balance between the repressive and activating histone marks through deregulation of PcG or TrxG histone modifying enzymes.

PcG and TrxG responds not only to cellular stress during differentiating stages of the embryonic development, but also responds to external environmental factors.

Cancer and other human diseases arrive from the failure to maintain a heritable state of gene expression and not surprising that many PcG and TrxG proteins are proto-oncogenes or tumor suppressor genes. For instance, the TrxG gene MLL was identified by the 11q23 chromosome translocations that were associated with lymphoblastic (ALL) and myeloid (AML) leukemia.

Embryonic tumors such as the aggressive and high mortality SO originated retino- and neuroblastoma, have a high incidence at birth in AGE-children and then decrease, whereas sarcomas and signature-lymphoma, have a low incidence at birth but the increased with age. ALL, has a different type of incidence pattern since it follows a bell shaped curve and makes up one of the most common paediatric malignancies in children under 15 years of age, accounting for about 25 of all tumors. Approximately 75 of all childhood leukaemias are ALL, subdivided into B-cell and T-cell leukaemia. They are both age, gender and race dependent. For instance, the ALL has a peak distribution between 2-5 years, where 2 years it is more prominent in girls (23 higher incident), and at 3-14 years is it more prominent in boys (34-50 higher incidence). It is also about twice as more common in NBE-children as compared to those with AGE origin."

Well, Artemisia, I can tell you that the abbreviation applies to people like me and people like Raoul. AGE stands for Artificially Generated Embryos and the NBE is like me, Natural Born Entity. Isn't it interesting how the abbreviations lost the word 'embryo' from my people? We are just entities. So Raoul is involved after all. Up until now, I have tried to deny it, but this is difficult to turn away from. The rest of the file contains hundreds and hundreds of experiments on embryos with varying outcome of results.

As I understand it Raoul has been trying to find out what is causing the high incidence of highly aggressive malignancies in Blondie fetuses. I have found a few research results that made me throw up my dinner. Here is Raoul's precious theory.

_"Implantation to a surrogate NBE mother has altered the expression of TrxG, but whereas animal studies shown an increase in longevity and reduced miscarriages, the AGE children are premature and 78 display fully evolved carcinogenesis at birth. The reason to this is still unknown, but my theories are as follows; Jupiter tags are made to reinforce the fetuses during the gestation period in the artificial womb and incorporates an expression of viral function so that the embryonic cells emit toxins into the womb to lower the risk to succumb to diseases. The more the cells divide and grow the fewer the tags left to protect the fetus and by the time of birth most of these functions are lost. AGEs are inoculated with antibodies at harvesting period and hence receive a more complete and protected antibody setup as compared to those inherited form the mother in NBE's._

The lack of antibodies in the implanted AGE's, but their highly infectious potential inside a mother capable of generating a boost of immune-response, leads to a physiological conflict with deadly outcome for both in about 30 of the cases. In the cases of survival the body of the mother is weakened by the highly infectious entity in the womb and is less prone to stand against exogenous factors such as pollutants, pathogens and medications. This leads to a leakage of pathogens and harmful substances to the unprotected embryo and the high incidence of cancer in them. Mothers exhibiting a specific mutation in the stem cells giving rise to the hematopoietic system, alters expression in the TrxG genes in AGE's making them less prone to activate the Jupiter tags and thereby giving rise to viable and fully developed children. Hence, NBE mothers with this defect in their immune system can be surrogate mothers to AGE children without the risk of spontaneous abortion, still birth or diseased babies."

I've had enough. So as I understand it, mongrel mothers who have a slight difference in their immune response will not cause the imbalance that destroys the fetus they are carrying. So what is Raoul up to?

Well, Artemisia, Raoul has his theories and I have mine. I would be surprised that Dr Hannoh and Raoul were examining these girls to screen them for that specific immune alteration, which is not completely uncommon, and then implant them with the fetuses. I can't even begin to explain how much I hate him now. I will take a break.

I exhausted the last cigarette and emptied the packet and now I am back in front of you. Well, what can be said? Tomorrow is a working day and I will have to dig deeper into the letters too. I have to talk to Henrick. He is the person who had worked closest to Raoul; he must have seen something.


	43. Henrick

**Henrick: 4694-034**

I followed Trithorax's advice and went to Raoul's office; first thing when I reached my office. He was already there and I pretended to be eager as we had already practiced it over the net with Tri.

I told Raoul I had been at a café last night and spotted a person I found was incredibly like Henrick and that I would so much like to take up contact with him. I asked if he knew the whereabouts of his former Furniture. He scanned me with a suspicious gaze and asked why I wanted to talk to Henrick.

"I just came to think of him." I lied. "I had pretty good contact with him back in those days and I just want to talk to him that's all. Don't you ever contact people from the past?"

Raoul's gaze was relentlessly and sharply piercing me, but he did give me something to go on. He put down the document in his hands and leaned back in his armchair as he turned a little side-to-side while speaking.

"Katze, a lot of things changed after Iason's death and when a new life began after that it also meant changing everything that reminded me of that time."

"You didn't…" I stuttered, but he reacted with anger as he slammed his fist on the desk and shouted at me.

"My household is mine alone and I do with it as I wish. Do you have any objections against that too?"

Of course I did. I had to bite my tongue not to call him a bastard, but I shook my head like an obedient little servant. He continued.

"The last time I heard he was employed as a key account manager at the car leasing facility Mantha."

It was unusual for former Pets and Furniture to find a new job of high position. Mostly because they were despised by people who have not been close to the Blondies. We are looked down on, for we are considered to be nothing but spoiled little brats. Anyway, I know Henrick was a hard worker and I am sure, Raoul being as pleased as he was had something to do with Henrick's new job. Raoul was not always an ass, just towards me it seems, and for that I can acknowledge him. I thought he wouldn't give me Henrick's whereabouts at all and perhaps just brush me off with a growl, but he caught me by surprise today.

"Anything else?" He then asked with a frown.

"No. Thank you."

I left the office and avoided him for the rest of the day. I don't know how much longer I can go on with this charade and silly game.

Anyway, Artemisia, I quickly finished my job to be able to get in touch with Henrick. I called to his work and it was confirmed that he still worked there. In fact, it seems like he has advanced quite well on his career ladder. The time was about 17:22 when I left this place. People were already on their way home and when I reached the Mantha leasing facility, people were coming out of it in hundreds. Still, my patience paid off, for among the last in that seemingly never-ending stream of people, there he was. Tell you what, he still possesses that childishly rounded face, but with the agile gaze of an adult. His hair was shorter than I remembered and he has put on some weight, but he looked very healthy and happy too. I smiled even before I approached him. He had a large jacket with a hood, for he has always been the frozen type, and tried to catch a cab when I caught up with him. He hardly recognized me and said that I had lost weight; quite the opposite to him. But he said all that with such with such warmth that it made me completely relaxed – even after so many years.

I asked him to join me for dinner and coffee and to my great happiness he accepted. We went to a nearby restaurant that he recommended, but I insisted on paying for the dinner. I watched his face when he took off his jacket and had the waiter to take it to the cloakroom. His round cheeks were a bit rosy, as was his pointy nose, due to the cold but it suited him well. His skin was really pale and his lips were almost like artificially colored, but that wasn't the case. Indeed, his full lips were red as blood and behind them he often exposed those pearly set of teeth that were still bright white – as compared to mine stained with the lakes of coffee and entire fields of tobacco I have consumed.

We had a nice dinner and our conversations bloomed after the coffee was brought in. I also recommended him to try my favorite; the passion cake. Whilst we were talking I asked if I could be so blunt as to record what he was saying. After assuring I would never show it to Raoul, but that this was a personal pursuit, he agreed and told the most amazing story. I am writing down bits and pieces of what he said.

"…Aethelric was a very interesting character. It was impossible not to love him, and the same time not to hate him. He was all that you desired and despised at the same time. He was a very complex person… too complex. Raoul was so confused during that period. I'd never seen a Blondie falter during all my time with any them, and I've been around for a long time, but this Aethelric turned the world up side down and everyone in it."

"What had brought him so close to Raoul?" I asked.

"Fate or chance in the beginning." He sighed and took a sip of his black coffee and continued; "Then an accident."

He told me that Aethelric had run into Raoul at a posh company party. Aethelric had been an escort to a wealthy businessman. But of course, he was also to be the toy of the day and he was tossed around between lords and players. As Henrick remembered…

"…Raoul was disgusted by the way they fondled and touched the lad as if he had been a piece of meat. He had been furious at Aethelric for allowing it and mostly because the young lad kept on staring at Raoul with longing even if there was someone else whose hands were sliding between his legs at the dinner table. Raoul confronted the lad when he got a chance to be alone with him for a while. They had argued quite heavily and Raoul accused Aethelric of being a common whore, lacking self-respect for letting his body be abused in that way. I heard them screaming. I was looking for my Lord since he was asked for by the host. I heard them through the door to the lavatory; they were shouting like animals. I never heard Raoul talk like that to anyone before. I heard Raoul screaming saying; 'Is that what you want to be? A common whore? In that case, remove all your clothing for me and bend over. I do like to inspect my purchase for the evening.. .before trying him out. You are nothing but a THING!' The young boy countered by screaming; 'And what can you offer me? A simple fuck or brutal beating?' Then I heard a terrible scream and a loud thud. I suspect that Raoul was teaching the lad a lesson and pushed him to the floor. I heard the young Blondie say; 'Wake up for the sake of Jupiter. Do you think I love my job? Can you offer me anything other than what they give me? What do you want to do with me once you get me naked? Mock, beat me and leave me annihilated? Leave me in SHAME? My whole life has been shame. You can't degrade me more than this, so do what you want!'"

I saw in Henrick's expression that he would rather not talk about these memories, but I encouraged him to continue for it was of importance and with a sad smile he nodded.

"I remember there was a storm outside. It had been raining for days, but this was the worst day. Anyway, I take it that Aethelric must have changed his mind, for after a little while I heard 'No! I can't do this!' Rushing through the door, Aethelric almost collided with me on his way in. I recall the Blondie he was escorting grabbed hold of him asking firmly what the young man was up to, but Aethelric was just gone in the head, you know. Some place else. He ran across the lounge, people watching with a disapproving frown. No Blondie of dignity would ever run... a gentleman walks. You remember that, don't you Katze?"

Henrick cast a laughing glance at me and I responded. Yeah, I knew about their little unwritten laws.

"Raoul had quickly taken up the chase and shouted from behind... but it wasn't to Aethelric. The bodyguard at the door reacted to Raoul's command and stepped in the way of the young Blondie. It wasn't the wisest of choices. Although Aethelric hardly reached the man to his chin, he was nonetheless skilled in fighting. With a sudden reflex he grabbed the guard by the wrists and locked his joints to the point where the man could not harm him. Swirling around, he pushed the man against Raoul, who had almost caught up. This caused a commotion, the likes of had never been witnessed before and Raoul was not the person to be disrespectfully treated. You know how he is, Katze? Anyway, he quickly got up from the floor and continued chasing the youngster.

Even MY heart was pounding like crazy, hardly giving me enough space to breathe. I ran after them and catching breath I spotted the elevator outside the lounge... just about to shut and Raoul almost close enough to reach inside as he roared; 'Aethelric.. .you animal!' I heard the lad respond, saying; 'Look I am sorry! Just leave me alone!' But Raoul wasn't forgiving at all and took the next elevator down to the reception screaming at the sight of the young man; 'You should have thought of that before you threw yourself at me... you deceitful little whore!' By that time I was standing just behind Raoul and I heard the lad saying quite calmly as he turned at the entrance; 'Yeah, well... at least I know that, that's what I am... I don't pretend to be a better person. Maybe you should try that too sometime and stop being so two-faced! So fuck you, Raoul!' Then he ran out."

We both started laughing and imagined that such a curse has never before been so directly thrown at Raoul. He must have been quite surprised. But then the tragedy changed it all. Henrick told me the young lad stepped onto the street without watching and was hit by a car.

"Raoul shouted for him to watch out, but the warning came too late. Strangely, Raoul was ever so gentle when he embraced the lad on the ground. Blood was flowing form his head, but he was alive. It was merely a superficial wound, but Raoul was genuinely concerned. I remember him saying; 'By the grace of Jupiter, now look what you have done to yourself.' The guy from the car stepped out, shocked and worried. He asked if the kid would be alright, and Raoul assured it would be so for he would take care of the boy. And so he did. Aethelric was taken to our household and even the medical unit was ordered to go there. Raoul didn't want to let Aethelric out of his sight."

"And that's how you came to get to know Aethelric? He lived with you a while?"

Henrick stopped for a moment and wiped a tear from his eyes and he nodded with a smile.

"It was when our household bloomed, Katze. He was a breath of fresh air and Raoul was blooming. He matured so much during those days even though he was fighting every second against his feelings. I know it for I have picked him up more than once from the floor, drunk and confused. I held him when he was crying and that was only the beginning of the madness that took him over. He was obsessed. I really think he LOVED that kid, Katze. You know what I am saying? L.O.V.E.D. Forget Mimea, this was on a new level."

We finished our coffee and parted after those last words, but I gave Henrick my email and contact information for I wanted to know every detail he could remember. I am falling into something I cannot handle, Artemisia. I don't know Raoul anymore.


	44. Email from Henrick

**Email from Henrick: 4694-035**

Artemisia, this email was waiting for me when I arrived at work I am posting it here so you can see it.

* * *

_Message from: Henrick Dion  
Received by: admin749  
℘admin749Ξtbmc.fxt.7297℘  
4694-035_

_My dear Katze,_

_It was great to see you yesterday. It has been four years since we met. A lot of memories, good and bad, have been occupying my mind since we left the restaurant. Thoughts I have managed to push somewhere in the back of my head, were coming out with force and I couldn't sleep. I sat down to write down all I remembered from those days. I cannot understand why you want this information, but if there is one thing we all learned about you, Katze, then that was NOT to question your orders. I know that you never asked for something unless you really needed it. I have now emptied all I could think of it is in this letter. Please, if you need something more, just let me know. Oh, and it would be nice if we could keep in touch in the future. How about lunch the day after tomorrow? I have a longer lunch, due to a meeting that was cancelled. I hope to see you then._

_This will be an extensive email, Katze, I hope you can bear with me._

_I think we left off at Aethelric being hit by the car, right? I never thought Raoul cared so much, but when he fell to his knees to gather the injured lad into his arms, I knew he had very warm feelings towards this boy, despite the previous arguments. He wiped the locks from Aethelric's face and tenderly caressed the boy's cheeks saying; 'If you had stayed where I told you, you would not now be drenched and lying in the street. More importantly, I would not be drenched and sitting in the street! Stupid boy.' But he cared and it was clearly evident. Either way it didn't matter, Aethelric still needed to be moved from the street before they drew a crowd._

_Raoul was ever so gentle in lifting the boy's head, and the driver talking to him about not seeing the lad and having to get to the hospital, began to grate on his nerves. With little more than a glance, Raoul sent him away with confirmation that he would take care of things himself. Not one to often speak gently, I heard Raoul doing just that to the boy. Waiting a few more minutes and hearing no response, Raoul lifted the limp body from the street, and you know Katze, as he walked toward the building, obviously no longer caring that he was a sodden mess, he began talking out loud; his tone akin to a frightened child. He said; 'Hey Aethelric, for a smart mouthed little strumpet, you certainly don't weigh much. I guess when you release the wealth of words as you did; it gets rid of all that hot air! It certainly lightens the load!'_

_I think Raoul tried to find pleasure in Aethelric's predicament, but found that it was not coming. Becoming thoughtful about the matter, he continued talking to the young Blondie as if he didn't even take notice of the fact that I was there; 'I do not understand myself. To let someone affect me so to the point that I give chase is unforgivable. What hold does this young man have on me? Why do I have this desire for such an individual?'_

_I hardly think Raoul wanted any answers to his questions so I remained silent. We climbed the stairs that led to the back entrance, the delivery entrance. That served as shelter from the rain, until our ride arrived. In the car, Raoul still seemed reluctant to let go of the kid and gently scooped Aethelric into his lap and held him there the whole way. I bet it is not the Raoul that you are used to, huh? Well, it was the first time I saw that part of him, so it took me by surprise too._

_Another thing, which was even more surprising, was the extensive scarring on Aethelric's back and the Pet-ring he was wearing. Have you ever seen or heard of such a thing? And besides that there were these terrifying outbursts of Aethelric. Who would have suspected the lad had such a past? Aethelric had been sleeping for three days, but he awoke now and then for short periods of time to eat and for me to wash his body. I tell you Katze, he was a pretty little thing. Short for a Blondie, but unusually beautiful. Or perhaps it was his complexity that made him more than just another Blondie. I don't know. Anyway, I had just wiped his sweaty forehead, and Raoul was sitting in the grand armchair next to the bed, reading as always, when the most terrifying screams cut through the silence scared the daylight out of both of us. Aethelric jumped up from the bed, screaming at the top of his lungs; 'No! No, leave me alone. Please… No!'_

_I threw myself away, landing on the floor whilst Raoul immediately rushed up from his seat trying to shake some sense into the boy, but Aethelric reacted so strangely. I think he must have still lingered on the edge of his nightmare, for he jumped out of bed, almost choking on his fear as he huddled up on the floor in the protective embrace of a corner and raised his arms to shield himself as if he expected to be assaulted. He was screaming 'No, please! Don't hurt me again… I promise to be good. Please, Master, don't make me do it. Please!'_

_Raoul and I stared in disbelief at each other and he made several attempts to reach out for the boy, but it was almost impossible to get close. Finally, he grabbed Aethelric by the shoulders, shaking him and after a while he seemed to wake up. The hysteria stopped and I tell you I had never witnessed anything like that before. Suddenly, the boy started choking, cramping as if he was about to throw up. With his hands covering his mouth Aethelric staggered into the bathroom, but he had no chance to make it to the toilet. He slipped over the tiled floor throwing up on his hands, his hair… it was a disgraceful act. We both hurried to aid him and picked up the trembling lad from the floor and dragged him into the shower. Raoul wiped the acidic mess from Aethelric's chin, rinsing his hair, his hands. I was merely assisting, for it seemed like Raoul wanted to be nearest. The boy's eyes were filled with tears, fear and panic, but his body was completely devoid of any reaction. He was like a doll, just staring into the blank void. Raoul asked what had happened, but he had to become hard for the kid to react and answer. The young lad said; 'He made me eat it.' Raoul asked what it was that Aethelric thought he was eating, and the kid pointed to the floor where I was cleaning up his vomit. 'Can't you see?' He said in a hypnotic state. "Can't you see all the glass?'_

_Aethelric slowly turned to face Raoul, staring at him in disbelief claiming his throat was bleeding, but neither of us could see any blood. The lad believed it to be so, for his nightmare was very vivid. The boy also claimed that he could taste blood and that he couldn't speak properly. Raoul tried to assure he was talking just fine, but to calm the lad down, Raoul pretended to thoroughly examine his mouth. After that, Aethelric calmed down but Raoul held the boy close in his arms and rocked him steadily until the lad stopped shivering… stopped crying. I've never seen a Blondie cry up until then… and it wouldn't be the last time either. It was so odd, Katze. After Aethelric was in bed again, Raoul's thoughts drifted away and he was bouncing questions towards me, seeking the answers to the extensive scarring on Aethelric's back, for judging by the traces left on his body, the boy had been suffering severe physical punishments._

_Well, I am sure you are releasing a sigh now, but it's not over yet. This was just the beginning._

_A few days later, Aethelric was on his feet. He surprised me when coming down to the kitchen. I remember I dropped the omelet since he startled me. He was very sweet though, for without me even asking anything, he took an apron and started to help me out. He was so different from a Blondie, very different. Well, we started talking and after a few days he opened up to me. Raoul was working and we were having a cup of coffee. Aethelric told me the most incredible story about his life. He claimed he had been a slave his whole life at the same household. He was one of several slaves, kept in a room, which could only be opened by the Master. Aethelric told me about the humiliation. How he feared the cat of nine tails, the glowing knife, the humiliation of having to crawl at the feet of a sadist. He could still remember the sharp smell of urine running down his skin… down his face. The ultimate degradation. I could hardly believe it, but the traces on his body spoke clearly. Raoul was filled with doubt when I told him about it, but he was deeply concerned nonetheless._

_However, a screwed up conversation about Aethelric's job had lead to a heated argument that broke whatever relationship they had built up. I bet Raoul thought that by being firm and commanding he would be able to set Aethelric straight. Well, he was wrong. When I entered the kitchen in the middle of the argument, and reacted to the sudden explosion out of Aethelric. He said something Raoul took offense to, and slapped Aethelric. He shouldn't have. With a vicious growl the lad threw himself at Raoul and pinned him to the floor screaming he knew all about pain. Claiming he had been chewed on and spat out, and from where he escaped he had only one choice to survive. It was either to break free or die. He was trapped in a cage and failure was not an option as the abuse had become so severe. He had swallowed more pain than Raoul would feel in an entire lifetime, eaten more dirt then he'll ever walk on… it was all a game in the beginning but the mood changed and he became a slave. 'A fucking whore for people to do with as they pleased, and to be used in the kind of perverted games you've never even dreamt of.' His words, Katze, I remember them well. 'Don't tell me you haven't seen my back. The next time anyone raises a hand against me it will be the last thing… and I assure you my lovely Lord… I am not afraid of killing. I have been praying for Death to come to me for so long, but it has avoided me when I needed it the most. Now I don't care. Don't threaten me again!'_

_When he calmed a little he let go of Raoul and told him that he had never thought he would fall for anyone… especially not someone like Raoul. He said to Raoul; 'And it doesn't matter that each time you look at me I'm sinking like a stone in the sea. I do love you, but what does love mean to someone like you? It mattered nothing to him (he meant his Master here) and it matters nothing to you. The bridges were burned and I spent years crying to his tireless whipping. But you know, the line between love and hatred is very thin… and I ended up killing him. The student became the teacher.'_

_Raoul was shocked to hear it from Aethelric. The last thing that kid said before he left the house was: 'Yes, I am disgraceful... unworthy... a common murderer and a whore.'_

_Raoul tried to stop him, heck even I tried to stop him for he was so wonderful when he was just Aethelric. He had made Raoul smile more in those few weeks than I had seen during my years with him._

_Anyway, what happened after that was just crazy and I only have bits and pieces of it, for Aethelric was gone and Raoul couldn't track him down. Katze, this is not something I am proud of revealing, but Raoul had started drinking._

_Days passed and still Raoul kept to his room. He was lost in himself, trying to understand the overwhelming feelings flowing through him. Even when I came to his door to exchange dishes, he just kept mumbling; 'A person cannot disappear without a sign,' he said for the umpteenth time. 'A Blondie has never been allowed to simply leave without a trace. Someone has seen this lad… think Raoul… damn it!' Between worry, guilt and not enough food, Raoul stepped into his parlor with the beginning of headache. Rummaging through his desk drawer resulted in a few headache pills – strong ones. I wasn't there to warn him, I just saw he paged me down at the kitchen. He spied a half full bottle of whisky and downed a few tablets with a swig of alcohol. By the time I arrived with fresh spring water and cakes, Raoul was knocked out on the floor._

_There are some events that followed, which I'd rather talk to you about in person. I am really tired now and it is almost morning. I realized I've been writing through the whole night. Would you mind meeting me for another quiet afternoon?_

_Take care my dear Katze,_

_Henrick_

* * *

I am completely dumbfounded by this letter, Artemisia. I don't know what to say. I had not known about this. This is a completely new chapter in Raoul's life. I don't even know if Iason was aware. Anyway, I have answered Henrick that I would like to meet with him as soon as possible.

It's in the middle of the night. I had nightmares about Raoul and the assassination of Dr Hannoh. In my dream, it ended far worse than it did in reality. I dreamt that I was a few seconds too late. I dreamt that Raoul was blown to pieces and when my body was engulfed in flames, and my skin was melting off my bones, I felt the pain of losing him. I was so devastated in my dream that I woke up, realizing I was crying. I also noticed I had blood on the pillow again. My chest is stinging now. It doesn't hurt, but it feels though as I had run a long distance race in cold air. Bah! I don't even remember what it was like to run. My lungs hurt as if I have acid in them each time I strain myself. The pills are not helping so much as they have been. Sometimes I feel better, but sometimes I fall back to this state. I think I might have to go to the doctor and have it checked.

Come to think of what Henrick wrote; that Aethelric had a Pet-ring. This means that Aethelric was a Blondie slave. I wonder if he had a mongrel mother too. I really need to talk to Henrick.

* * *

**Meeting with Henrick: 4694-037**

I wrote an email yesterday to Henrick, but he wasn't available for a meeting until today. No matter. It was good to have a small break from all the things I've read. I had an interesting meeting with Henrick. He was here by the way and was very surprised to find me being here in Raoul's old condo. He said it brought back too many memories. Well, that was my purpose in inviting him to 'my place'. I hoped it would make him remember more. Well, it did and I have so much to tell you.

We had a nice dinner and after that we began talking. He told me that after Aethelric disappeared there was nothing but silence in Raoul's life. He neither listened to music, talked to anyone or attended parties. He sat in his study trying to track down Aethelric. From somewhere Aethelric must have heard that Raoul was looking for him for he responded to Raoul via email. Apparently, or at least according to Henrick, Aethelric suffered just as much as Raoul.

Henrick told me the last thing he remembered Aethelric shouting was; "'Don't try to find me. You never will. Just give me a few seconds… and I'll be out of your life!' Raoul was dumbfounded by the sudden change of mood and the determination of the young lad. You know, Katze, that there is not much that can surprise Raoul, but this really did. Though he still seemed vulnerable and fragile, it was evident that Aethelric had finally set the final stone to complete his fortress. He had locked himself down, confined in his own little world where no one would hurt him again. Not his scarred soul at least."

Henrick looked really sad during this whole time. I was just silent whilst trying to understand the complexity of this story.

"By the time Raoul realized what he had allowed him to slip through his hands, Aethelric was gone. I remember the desperation with which Raoul ran down the stairs shouting the boy's name, but to no avail. Raoul ran outside his apartment, tracked the entire complex with Jupiter's help, but there was no one resembling his description. Aethelric was truly gone. I have something for you though, Katze."

Henrick picked out a disc and gave it to me. He said it was the letters shared between Aethelric and Raoul. After Aethelric's tragic death (he told me that with tears in his eyes) he had saved everything he could from Aethelric for he knew Raoul would want to erase the pain from his life. Raoul had been sick for weeks after the boy's death and as Henrick had suspected, during that time, he cleaned out not only his computer of everything that reminded him of the Blondie, but also his life. He had moved to a new place. I do remember the moving part, but I never knew the reason why. It was only a few months before Iason and Riki died. I watched Henrick as he dried his eyes and emptied that glass of brandy. Seems like the memories were far too painful still.

After a while of looking at him with his eyes drenched in tears some compassion from my past found itself to the surface and I actually gave him a hug. A comforting embrace, and he held me back. Nothing sexual, nothing that touched upon the subject of being indecent or daring. It was very soothing, not only for him, but also for me. After a few hours of not talking anymore about the past, just watching a nice comedy, Henrick went home and I started looking through the letters. I have posted them here. I am tired and for a change, it is my heart hurting, not my lungs. I need a break before I go insane.


	45. Obsessions

**Obsessions – mad obsessions: 4694-038**

I have no email-addresses on these letters… they were only saved in a simple text format. These letters are so infected with hopeless obsessions that it is hard for even me to read them. I feel the pain from them both and as I read the Raoul's words, I am not even sure it is he who wrote it. I recognize his words, but I don't recognize the Blondie. It's like he is not even from this Universe. I see these dates are after Iason's death. It saddens my heart still as I think about that night. It is exactly ten days after his and Riki's death. I had left Amoi by that time. I left with the next ship two days after and since then life on Amoi had been a memory. I see Raoul had taken refuge in the mountains; probably to clear his mind, forget the pain and to make some sense in this insane world. I wonder if Aethelric's access to Raoul's heart was due to the crack Iason's death caused in Raoul's fortress. I know he broke that day. I know each time he speaks ill of Iason it is more out of anger at the loss rather than because he feels the way he appears. Anyway, my love, here are the letters that Henrick salvaged. Due to the format some conformation was lost, but one can clearly see that Aethelric was using a coded account and thus, his name is not displayed in the letters… just as 'Unknown'.

* * *

_Message from: Raoul Am  
4688-142_

_My dearest Aethelric,_

_I have just received notice that you would like to speak with me, in person, regarding an urgent matter. While I admit that I am quite curious on what you wish to discuss, I am unsure if this meeting would be wise. What outcome from your questions are you searching for? Are you truly ready for my response? The meeting may not end as you wish or even for that matter like, so think carefully before you decide to come._

_For the past few weeks, Aethelric, I have taken refuge in the Mountains of D'ange, searching to discover something about life and what I desire from it. It is beautiful here, with the kind of peace one can not find in the cities. The solitude of the place has done wonders for my talents and of all things, my temperament. It has also given me the opportunity to reflect on my feelings towards you… your bright eyes, your smile… your smell so intoxicating. The feel of your hair as it runs through my fingers, the taste of your mouth so sweet and hungry... yes, perhaps it might be for the best if we met. I do think there are things we need to discuss._

_I'll send this note back to you and will see what will be._

_Yours,_

_Raoul_

* * *

_Message from: Unknown  
4688-143_

_My sweet Raoul,_

_I understand that you have very little to offer someone like me. I am hardly worthy to stand in your shadow and yet, I have been blunt and rude enough to steal a kiss and push myself into your world. I am afraid I can't help it. Your words, even the vicious ones, are more soothing than a lullaby and your kisses more nourishing than the first rays of the morning sun._

_I dream of you and can hardly breathe when I think about the fact that you are limited in your involvement with me. I know you love Iason Mink and that no one can ever compete for your attention when it comes to him._

_Please, tell me what I am to you. Could you be my King? And in that case, could you ever see me?_

_"What outcome of your questions are you searching for? Are you truly ready for my response? The meeting may not end as you wish or even for that matter like, so think carefully before you decide to come."_

_Oh, Raoul, what I want is perhaps beyond even what the most generous Lord could ever give. Perhaps more than you could ever offer to Iason even. My question to you is, how far can you let me reach under your skin before you back off in fear, and - though I fear your negative response - would you dare to lose yourself in my arms?_

_I would really like to know if you could ever learn to love someone like me, although I know it is completely against Blondie nature. Do you even know what that is? To love I mean. I am more prone to emotion before logic and I would be a fool to say you should try walking along this path, for feelings lead down a perilous path... yet, it is ever so sweet and the reward is even more gratifying. I am a fool for I am a slave under the very feelings we often try to control. I also know I'm a thorn in your side and have made your life miserable since I appeared in it. I just wish you could feel what I feel each time you honor me with a smile or as you did now - write me a letter. I can't even begin to think how wonderful it would be to meet you in person again. I will come to you, if you believe that my amorous emotions and dangerous attraction to you will not be something of a liability to you. Yes, we have a lot to talk about._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Aethelric_

* * *

My goodness, Artemisia, this kid is so lost in his emotions he will never be able to find his way into the light again. In some ways, knowing what I know from Henrick, I am not surprised he ended up dead. Listen to his words. They sound so desperate, so in need of something. He is so in love.

As for Raoul, Henrick told me he couldn't sleep or eat properly for weeks and he could hardly exist after Aethelric left his home, yet he sounds ever so distant. I think he is a better Blondie than me. I'm sure he has more to teach me than the other way around, no matter what he says.

* * *

_Message from: Raoul Am  
4688-146_

_Aethelric,_

_I am unsure on how to even reply to your letter. Your infatuation with me borders on the lines of a beast and master. Am I cruel to say such things? Perhaps. I do not recall ever giving you a vicious word, only the truth. I smile as you describe it as being "soothing"; to be so young that at times I think you do not know better._

_Am I a King? Or is it more am I YOUR King? I long to rule no-ones' heart nor body, but yes my little Strumpet, I do see you. I see your bright eyes, searching for fulfillment, I see your charming, seductive smile and I see YOU. I see that you desire me and I see that you wish for my love. Frankly, I do not understand the concept of that word... love. I find it brings nothing but hurt to those involved in the emotion. I am flattered, however, that you see me in such light, but there are times that I grow tired of confessions of desire. I was tired of hearing it from Iason towards his Pet, as we have fought many battles regarding that. And I am awfully tired now._

_What can I offer you? Nothing, my darling. I have wealth and status, yes, but still there is nothing I can offer you. But listen carefully, for I will say this only once; I apologize for my treatment of you. It has been unfair and unjust, for you are still finding yourself and I am unwilling to, or perhaps the better word is incapable of, helping you. I apologize for making you feel torment and longings of love. Would these be the correct words?_

_You, my concubine, have gotten under my skin and it does itch. To answer your questions on "how far can you let me reach under your skin before you back off in fear" and the other, "though I fear your negative response - would you dare to lose yourself in my arms?" I can only say I don't know. If I was to say yes to you it will change everything that I have worked on. Yes, Aethelric, even I back off in fear at times._

_I do not enjoy confessing these things to you. I do not think it is befitting of a Blondie. However, I know that you are, or soon will be, my downfall. Funny, this reminds me so much of someone dear. Even us golden boys can lose our shine and plunge into nothingness. Your kisses affect me like only one others' has, maybe, even more. Your lips are so soft and yes, I desire to feel them again. I desire to feel your skin under mine, and I want to feel your body shudder as your cries of completion unfold._

_Please come, stay awhile here; there is plenty of room._

_As I read over my last words, you must take no notice for they are the words of an intoxicated person. I have enjoyed myself tonight and am sure to regret such behavior, in more than one way, come morning._

_Yours,_

_Raoul_

* * *

_Message from: Unknown  
4688-147_

_My dear Raoul,_

_I am completely swept away by your words as I read them. I know that my infatuation with you borders to a dangerous obsession, but I can't help it. From the very first moment I laid eyes on you, your image has left me restless and wanting each time I close my eyes. I can't help what I am dreaming, but I dream of you almost every night. Thus I cannot do anything other than to forgive you for pushing me away and trying to keep me at a distance. I believe I would do the same if I was in your shoes._

_And you are right: you have never given me a vicious word, but as we both know the truth can hurt and what hurts is automatically deemed by the soul as something bad. And speaking of souls, I am surprised to find that you can't see the potential you have. If there is a Blondie who owns a perfect soul, it is you._

_Just look at yourself. You care for Iason Mink like no other. You are hurt by his words or moved by his smile, leaning in the direction of his touch like a flower bending towards the sun. Only a person possessing a soul can do that, and do believe me when  
I say that you are complete. You may not understand the concept of love as yet, but there are things even a great Blondie as yourself has to learn about. So did he. But don't fear it, although I must admit it scares me too sometimes. It means one has to open the heart to let another person in, and thereby making it vulnerable._

_I am flattered that you are going against your own aversion of revealing feelings to another. It makes me feel a little special - if I may be so blunt as to say that. I am deeply moved by everything you do and say._

_The closing remarks of your letter have stirred some powerful emotions inside me. Even though you ask me not to take notice, I still do. Would it make you very uncomfortable knowing that as I read those lines my hands slipped almost unnoticing between my thighs? My body shivered with ecstasy as the images sprung from your words were painted before my eyes. Oh, how I wished for your hands to be on me: your lips, and to feel the weight of your body on mine. But I know that will have to wait._

_I see you fear me for being your downfall, but do believe me, I will not weaken you. I will give you strength to feel things you've ran from your whole life and perhaps, in that process, you can help me to be more worthy of a Blondie. Your world (although my hair carries the same color) is just as alien to me as mine is to you. Well, we live in a crazy world, and sometimes it takes a fool to remain sane. Maybe we could find something that we both can benefit from. Things around us change rapidly, but love is a secure foundation that always leads home to the safety of a well known embrace.  
We just have to dare to lose ourselves in those emotions. Maybe your problem is that you have always known what you want and always had a clear path before you. You knew the outcome of each choice you made and you always know how to handle a situation. But in order to find our true self, we need to wander off on a stray path. How can that, which has never been lost, be found? Would you be able to find a home... in my arms?_

_I wish nothing more than to be with you right now, but the truth is that I fear we might lose this fragile, newborn hint of affection if we plunge into bed too quickly… because, quite frankly, I would like to feel you inside me. I am as crazy and blunt as to say that I love you, but I am waiting for the day when you will let me in. If you feel you can love me more at a distance, then so be it. Please don't be angry with me when I say I can't come to you right now. I wouldn't be able to control my feelings and thus would be at great risk of ruining more than I build up._

_I may have gotten under your skin, but you are inside my heart, my Lord._

_Love,_

_Your Aethelric_

* * *

_Message from: Raoul Am  
4688-150_

_My sweet, little Aethelric,_

_I truly appreciate your swift reply to my letter and I quite enjoyed reading it. I found it to be entertaining, informative and sincere. Your behavior though, has become of great concern to me; you have allowed yourself to become obsessed. You have allowed your emotions to rule, which in turn has clouded your thoughts, your judgment and your behavior in regards to what is obtainable and what is not._

_I have revealed parts of myself to you that only one other knows and surprisingly, I find I'm not rejected. That in itself is refreshing, yet suspicious. Perhaps you are to be trusted? Aethelric, you profess your love to me, but I feel that this is far less than the truth. My thoughts are that you see me as a conquest. We have met by chance and you know nothing of me, in fact, as I recall there were some other clients you were pursuing._

_My residence is more than adequate, with rooms to spare, and I have offered you, Aethelric, an opportunity that I am surprised to see rejected. Your comment on feeling me inside you makes me envision many nights ahead. Perhaps I might want to feel the same. Would you accept? If you are to change your mind, send notice. I will prepare a room._

_Sincerely,_

_Raoul_

* * *

_Message from: Unknown  
4688-152_

_Dear Lord Am,_

_It is clear to me now, how you see me. I may be young and to some extent inexperienced, but do not forget my Lord that I have gone through a lot of things that have given me certain knowledge and wisdom about life. Wisdom and age don't necessarily go hand in hand, and you have just demonstrated that. I do not take enjoyment in being patronized and ridiculed when I expose my heart. Is it a habit of yours to do this to those who sincerely wish the best for you and has nothing but pure affection to offer?_

_Well, my Lord, it is plain to see what your downfall will be… and it is not ME! It's your own self. You say it is surprising that when you reveal things about yourself, you are not being rejected. That's the power of true emotions/love, and what is most surprising is that you have not yet realized it. It's tragic!_

_Furthermore what is not only tragic, but also demeaning, humiliating and utterly devastating is the following statement: "Aethelric, you profess your love to me, but I feel that this is far less than the truth. My thoughts are that you see me as a conquest. We have met by chance and you know nothing of me, in fact, as I recall there were some other clients you were pursuing."_

_To begin with, how can you say it is far less than the truth? You began your letter by saying you felt my words sincere, so what changed all of a sudden? If you were a conquest, then you would have been both in and out of my bed before sunrise as all other clients I have had been… and still have. Pursuing others? No, that is something only YOU have been doing. I thought you understood the deal I had with the people, it did not include you and thus, how could my feelings be false when I helplessly plunged into something I had not planned for?_

_But I see that you remark on other people's mistakes with great pleasure, whereas you remain completely oblivious of your own. Take a look at yourself, my Lord. Who is pursuing others? Your countless warnings to Lord Mink, and where has it all ended? You are right, it is none of my business, but since you are so eager to put me down, I will throw the bitter truth into your face._

_Do you think you are so different from me? What difference is there between me pursuing you as you pursued Lord Mink? He does not respond to your offerings of advice, just like you are not responding to mine. Occasionally he keeps you near, playing with you just like you play with me. But his heart is closed towards you… in the very same way I just realized yours is closed to me. So you see my Lord, we are just the same, it's just that you refuse to see it. It will lead you to your loneliness, because deep down you know Lord Mink did not want to change and you were not capable of helping him for you never understood the concept of being so attached to someone. Perhaps if you knew, you could have supported him instead of pushing him towards his death. I know you better then you think and believe me I know that you will not allow my words on your feeling towards him, because you know it's true._

_Everything we do has consequences. I offered you closeness and love, but you rejected it for whatever reasons you have and you can't find a way to accept that even Lord Mink was ready to live whole heartedly than be cooped up in a cage. You have been a fool to believe that I am a fragile, a wounded little dove. Yes, I may have fallen crazy in love, but your words have just ripped all that apart. How does it make you feel knowing that your are incapable (or too cowardly) to savor the most powerful emotion most of the population, except us Blondies, are able to indulge in? All those things we read about and try to comprehend, that four-letter word, but it is out of our reach. Yet you spend years after years trying to find the biochemical mechanisms behind such a powerful driving force... and when you come across it, you shatter it with your stupidity._

_How does that feel? How does it feel to know that you once had chance to feel what emotions swept Iason off his feet to the extent that he was willing to sacrifice his position as the head of Tanagura for the sake of a mongrel. Well, I know... and you will be left out, for this chance won't come again. Not to us Blondies anyway. Iason had this rare opportunity and so did you. The difference is, he took it... you gambled it away._

_I have never looked at you as a pursuit, but I see now I was a fool to think there was a way to give my soul to you. I decline your offer to stay with you, and I will enlighten you of my feelings without any "poetic prose", so that even you can understand it clearly without misunderstandings: Go to hell, I am not your little toy._

_Prepare the room for someone who will come to you and warm your bed for a few nights. My bed has been cold for a long time, so I don't fear loneliness. I will remain here where I am. Foolishly, I just thought I had the chance to feel again, but I guess I'll have to look further a field. The difference between you and me is that I can move on and I will, whereas you'll be stuck in your own bitterness until time slips away. It hurts, but I will find happiness again… so do tell me, when was it the last time you felt truly happy?_

_Although I'd rather rip you apart, I still can't help but hope you will find whatever you are looking for and that your days will be filled with all that your heart desires._

_Regards_

_Aethelric_

* * *

These were very, very harsh words, Artemisia. I felt the frustration and the pain Aethelric felt through every word and strangely, I recognize some of this. Not the events, but this crazy frustration and anger. I can recognize it so well. I also see it is on the verge of driving him crazy. Will it drive me along the same path?

* * *

_Message from: Raoul Am  
4688-153_

_My sweet, sweet Aethelric,_

_There is so much to confusion and misunderstanding going on between us at this point that it seems that we will never pull away. I have decided to go through your comments and give you my remarks. I can only hope that you will accept what I say to you and not read double meanings into the words._

_I have never thought of you as a fragile, wounded little dove, nor have I ever thought of you as being a "toy". Long, long ago, I was given a gift on my birthday that was priceless and I cherish it even to this day. Do you know what that gift was? It was a young boy. Bought by my friends for the night, as he lay on my bed waiting for me, he gave me words that I have carried with me to this day; "I am yours – to do what you want, just don't hurt me". I tell you this because I have once again hurt you, unfairly I believe. It is not my intention to treat you this way, perhaps in the beginning, but not now._

_I was asked my opinion of you once and I honestly gave Henrick my answer. I was not aware that it would go any further than that, but I don't blame him. He really held you dear and was very hurt when you left. I am surprised you remember the words for it has been so long and why did you not come to me the day you heard it?_

_I was also not given the opportunity to continue with my thoughts. Do I find you a nuisance? Only in the continual way you pursue me. I feel threatened by this, Aethelric, and therefore attempt to avoid you, but still you persist. My comment recently about trust dealt with you accepting my small revelations about myself – your accepting showed me that maybe, just maybe I could place my trust in you. I beg you not to take this and misunderstand the meaning._

_I offered you my home, not my bed and yes, you rejected me twice on this. I thought it to be strange because I opened myself to days of reacquainting to only find the idea rejected. I laugh as I read those sentences, because of your comment, "Are you capable of writing just one single letter without have sentences of opposing meaning in the same text?"_

_As much as I would like to finish explaining myself to you, I find I must leave for the time being. Please let me know if you care to hear more._

_Raoul_

* * *

Oh, Raoul, I don't know if I care to hear more. What were you up to with this disturbed young man? Why were you clinging on to him? Why didn't you just dump him like you always do with things that demand too much from you? Like me… Why couldn't Raoul be a bit more persistent when it comes to me, Artemisia?

* * *

_Message from: Unknown  
4688-154_

_Hi,_

_Well, I had hoped that by now you'd give at least one comment. Anyway, I have calmed a little and read through my words. I was very angry when I wrote it and part of the reason was apparently for you finding it strange that you have offered me your bed twice and I have rejected it. Whatever you may think of me, Lord Am, I am neither blind nor stupid and I can only go by your words through what you write. And you are hardly ever straight in what you say. Your ambiguity is very tiring. In once sentence you say you want me, but then you add you either have nothing to offer, that you doubt if you can trust me and you question my sincerity. Now I am asking you this; if there was someone talking to you like that - in one sentence saying "I like you a lot", then adding only a breath later that "Take no notice of my words, I am only drunk"... or "I do like you, but I don't know if I can trust you" - would you give yourself to that person without thinking or without trying to find additional proof of the fact that he really feels what he says?_

_You called me obsessive and that you clearly see that I like you. Tell me, have you been equally clear towards me? To me it seems like you are like a kid that wants too much but don't want to take the consequences and thereby formulating yourself in a way as to have your back clear if something changed in your life. For instance, you would keep me near as long as I filled that empty space you temporarily have around you, but as soon as you'd catch sight of something more exciting or newer, you'd leave me on the spot. Let's not forget you do have a certain reputation, Lord Am. If I was then to question your behavior, you would just simply refer to these letters saying "I never said I didn't like you, but I didn't promise you anything either." Are you capable of writing just one single letter without having sentences of opposing meaning in the same text?_

_Don't forget that according to the laws of physics every action has a reaction, hence the origin of the word to react on something, which proceeds a certain happening or sudden change. Have you ever considered that my so-called nuisance is a reaction to things you say? You may think of yourself that you are perfect, but when it comes to emotions, you still have lots to learn._

_I have to get some decent meals._

_Your Nuisance_

* * *

This was quite funny although the situation they are in is not. But there is one thing that Aethelric said about Raoul there, which is so much Raoul and that is "Are you capable of writing just one single letter without having sentences of opposing meaning in the same text". That is so true. Well, it is 02'11 and I am getting tired. I will read and post a few more of the letters and then I am going to bed.

* * *

_Message from: Raoul Am  
4688-155_

_Good morning my little Strumpet,_

_I have finally settled down for a while, enjoying the breeze as it comes over the balcony. It is one of the things I do enjoy up here at the villa; the wind from the mountains always carries the sweet smell of new beginnings. I decided to take some time to reflect on the various comments and situations mentioned in your letters, to gain an understanding of myself. Now and then I find it necessary to purge through the past to cleanse my soul of unwanted material._

_My relationship with Lord Mink was an unremitting one and please understand that it hurts too much to speak his name. The wounds are bleeding profusely and it will take a long time to heal. One thing that I do not tolerate are opinions that are unfavorable on this matter. He and I had a bond that will be twisted together for lifetimes and I have always been there for him. I gladly accepted his pleasantries along with his wrath, without complaints. Whether it be as a confidant or any inconceivable role he needed – I was there, regardless. Please do not speak his name or about anything that relates to him. I am in mourning still. I have lost two very precious things; Lord Mink and you my little strumpet._

_You have made some very near unforgivable statements in regards to my "inner workings", Aethelric. I find your bitter side distasteful and do not care to have it expressed upon me again. Not like you have done. It seems that all I say is misinterpreted one way or another by you, however, some of what you wrote I have done much thinking on. It seems that even at my "old" age, words can still penetrate! Reading back over your letters, I must say that my favorite part is still this: " …If I was then to question your behavior, you would just simply refer to these letters saying "I never said I didn't like you, but I didn't promise you anything either."_

_You have indeed called me to task on this behavior and it is one that I fall back on frequently! One other unfortunately true statement would be "…To me it seems like you are like a kid that wants too much but don't want to take the consequences and thereby formulating yourself in a way as to have your back clear if something changed in your life."_

_I can only say to you that behavior is learned over a lifetime. I have voiced to you before that I do not understand emotions of love and I feel that you have forgotten that. My actions are ones of self-preservation, not ones of viciousness._

_I am glad to hear you are to eat a decent meal. I hope it does contain fruit and perhaps some wine. I love a glass now and then; a quiet evening at home, contemplating life, or perhaps as a prelude to warm lips savoring all that there is on another. That sensual mouth so full of aggression… I remember your kisses, Aethelric. They were filled with eagerness and want… so tantalizingly sweet. You have left me with only memories. Please come back._

_Aethelric, talk to me. I do tire of this tiptoeing around emotions._

_Raoul_

* * *

_Message from: Unknown  
4688-160_

_My sweet Raoul,_

_You caught me in a good mood today. I don't know why, it's just so... no particular reason. Well, I have come to terms with my crazy feelings and also the fact that you need time to think things over… time that I have not given you. Perhaps I've been too focused on you and thereby choking you with my persistence. I have decided to take things as they come and just one day at a time._

_You are still unsure about where this will lead you – and us – and I imagine you are very cautious when it comes to feelings. Well, how about me teaching you? It is one subject in which I am superior to you for I have more experience. You never thought that day would come when a little pup would say that to you, did you?  
Would you like me to teach you? I am a really good teacher when it comes to that. I promise it will be one of your most pleasurable, but also difficult lessons in life. There will be similar moments as we had before with all the anger and frustration, but also moments where... well... picture this..._

_You have had a tremendously bad day and you are seething with anger and sadness. You stumble into your home and it's empty with only darkness to keep you company. Your thoughts evolve around your day and it gives you no peace of mind. Perhaps something terrible has happened, and you pick up the phone to call someone, but they are either too busy or perhaps there is no answer on the other side. Your thoughts keep on tormenting you and you decide to drown your sorrow in a bottle a wine, but deep down you know it will not solve anything. You sit in the dark with the demons haunting you, and you feel your stomach turning with tension. You feel sick and vulnerable in a way you never thought was imaginable. Suddenly, you feel a soft hand travel across your quivering stomach, legs intertwining with yours and a warm body next to yours. Someone catches your tears, kisses your trembling lips and whispers that "everything will be all right... I will always be here for you"._

_The words are so reassuring that you know this person would never pass judgment on you, and only in his embrace can you allow for your body to release the tension in any un-dignifying way without you as a person ever being seen as something less. You can cry, shiver, scream, or just drown in an embrace... everything is allowed... and you know that you are never alone._

_This is just a fraction of what I can give you. Maybe you should give it a try…_

_I was caught by your agreement that I called you a "little kid". Well, isn't it time to grow up then? Take a decision and stand for the consequences rather than having your back free all the time. Remember, a relationship is not politics. There are great things to be learned even through mistakes._

_I know you hate it when I bring it up, but this is what Lord Mink shared with Riki although he dared not to put his emotions into words in your presence. These things are very difficult for a Blondie to understand, but even we Blondies can change and Iason has fallen for a mongrel… so how about you?_

_How would you react if I dyed my hair black and tanned my skin? I wonder if it will be too appalling for you? Could you accept the thought of sharing bed with a mongrel… or at least someone who looks like one? Each time you would cast a look at me you'd be hit by the contrast of your icon-like paleness against my cinnamon skin; my black hair tickling as I bury my head between your thighs; each time you run your fingers through my hair it will be crude to the touch –unruly and black as the night. Would you be appalled or intrigued? Would you dare to accept it? I will arrive to your villa in two days time – all dark, just like a filthy mongrel. However, I must ask, have you ever dug your hands into filth? I think not. Well, I shall teach you about that too… to dig your hands into dirt and made mud-cakes. I am bursting with laughter as I read this last sentence. Well, lucky your villa is situated near a lake. I shall teach you to mud-wrestle._

_I will not tiptoe around emotions any further, my Lord. I am saying this flat out. I love you and I want you to love me too. And you know why? Because you'd have the time of your life…_

_First of all because I adore you and second of all, because I am not the jealous type. So if you'd ever feel like including someone or having little adventures on your own besides me, then that is perfectly fine with me. I am not possessive and though you felt my presence too imposing, I assure you I am quite an easy person to be with._

_And do prepare yourself for a few nights of endless sex. I have not had any for quite sometime. Yes, I know it's a change in my life... I've hid away from clients for a while although they've been knocking on my door and paging me day and night. Saving it for you, love... ;)_

_Your Strumpet_

* * *

_Message from: Raoul Am_

_4688-160_

_To my dearest Aethelric,_

_I am so glad to see something from you in my mailbox. Much time has passed between our last interaction and I find myself longing for your company. As I begin this letter to you, I find that even though I have become more knowledgeable regarding myself, I still find old habits hard to break. Perhaps that is to be expected of one as time passes and they age, but I strive to overcome this unreasonable trait. I have found myself longing for your companionship. It sounds funny in my mind to hear such words, for I don't acknowledge it as something to be proud to admit to. Before you take this the wrong way, and I know you will, don't for it is of no reflection on you. My insecurities are but my own and as I work through them to become a better individual, there are still issues to be resolved. I am seldom one to be at a loss for words but find myself so at this time. I will "take the plunge", as I have recently heard someone use, and come forth with my soul bared. I beg you to not take lightly what I am to say._

_My little Strumpet, this name I have never regretted giving you. Where as once it was to cut you down and belittle, it now means more than I can ever express. Only I feel worthy of calling you by this name, for it shows me how much one can accept and grow and forgive. You have shown me more understanding and patience than I am due and I am grateful for your compassion. I admit to wanting to place my hands on you, to mark you as mine, to make you desire no other and I admit to wanting to put you in places or positions that you might not like, just to feel I have you in my power. I admit that this ignites that part of me that's hard to control or brutal. But I can change too._

_And speaking of change; your hair. You want to dye your hair black?! What stupidity has gotten into you? What next do you plan on doing to it… cutting it? Why not just shave it all off and be rid of your heritage? Our hair is one of beauty Aethelric, it is among other things, what defines us. How can you possibly even consider this?_

_Forgive me, I overreacted once again. I will save my reaction till I have seen the results. I suppose that it does not matter if I approve in this regard or not, as long as you enjoy it. I would like to see the results. I am sure you'll be attractive no matter what._

_You will be a pretty mongrel, and I wouldn't mind your color as long as you are mine. I want you here; feeling your body reacting to my slightest touch or look. By all of this, I am moved in ways you cannot imagine. I smile when I think of how beautiful you are Aethelric and how incredibly intricate your mind is. I long to hold you close and experience you as I have not in the past. You drive me to a distraction that I cannot keep experiencing, if I choose to keep either my sanity or job._

_I want you to join me, my sweet concubine. My life, my soul, my bed; it is yours._

_Sincerely,_

_Raoul_

* * *

Now that was sugar-coated from top to bottom. Strangely, I wish Raoul had sometimes said these things to me. I would have liked it. I didn't know he had it in him and though the words are formal to the point where it is almost ridiculous, I am still moved by the sweetness of their character. I give up, Artemisia. I admit that Raoul is in love. Aethelric has won his heart – and for that I hate them both. How come I could never win the heart of anyone? What's wrong with me?

* * *

_Message from: Unknown sender  
4688-161_

_My beloved Raoul,_

_I don't even know how to begin expressing the feelings you've awakened in me. Compared to most other Blondies I am erratic and turmoil of emotions, but that which you have unleashed within me puts everything else in the shadows. I feel like I have been dormant for thousand years and now that I have opened my eyes, I see the Sun warming my face with all its brilliance. Except, it is not the Sun that shines down on me, it's you! I have never felt this alive. Tears are streaming down my face and for once it is neither due to shame nor anger, but of bliss and the happiness you blessed me with. I have never thought you'd deem a simple young man be worthy of your attention, let alone your precious soul. This, which you have offered me, is the greatest gift ever and I accept it whole-heartedly._

_I know there are parts of you that wish to break and control another soul, but I am willingly offering you the opportunity to lay down the law on me. I have worn wet leather on my skin before, but none with such devotion and sincerity as that which I will wear for you. For I know that when the commands stop and the ropes are eased around my body, I will be able to taste those sweet kisses that serve as a balm to my soul. Mark me._

_I want to feel your body shivering with exhaustion on top of mine. I want to feel the sweat running down your back as you push yourself to completion and the seductive words slithering into my ears as you use my body to satisfy your needs._

_Your beauty and charm, as well as intelligence are indisputable, but apart from that I know your heart is deeper than the ocean and hides wonderful secrets yet to be discovered not only by me, but also by you. Please, let us discover that together..._

_I belong to you my love, and I always have. Take me and make me yours, for I would rather die today, than to live a thousand years without you._

_I will come to you in a weeks time, for I have unfinished business to take care of. You should have returned by then, but I am sure we can have a lovely time together at your place. I will clear up my past and make sure I begin anew with you._

_I am really looking forward to this, my love_

_Aethelric_

* * *

It is 02'35 now and I am really tired. I'm hungry too, but I have no strength to eat. My throat is killing me. It hurts so much that I can hardly swallow. At least I know what is wrong with my lungs now. I have pneumonia. When I was a kid I always got tonsillitis after an infection and it lingered on for a long time. This wont be cured by the medication I got from my coworker. I will have to go to the lab–meds and ask them to make a culturing identification of the pathogens in me. I am going to bed now, Artemisia. I am a little afraid of closing my eyes for I fear I will be dreaming of Raoul… or Aethelric. I don't want them in my dreams yet I fear my own sleep like I used to when I was small. I remember one particular evening when I was new at the Pet Academy. I had problems sleeping and was constantly plagued by nightmares. I hated the darkness and wanted to feel safe. I hated dreaming for my dreams were always bad. One of the Pets, I can't even remember his name but I can still see his face – a dark haired young man with rich curls on his head – left me his laptop when he was moved up to a different level of education. He was very successful and within weeks he was adopted by a Master. That was my first computer and it was on at night, giving me that soothing white light I needed in order to sleep well. I believe it was called Duan. Well, have a good night. I am off to bed.


	46. Obsessions – mad obsessions – of mine

**Obsessions – mad obsessions – of mine: 4694-039**

Two days have passed my love, since we spoke but I haven't been home last night after work. I was so caught in those letters that I could hardly concentrate on anything else. When I saw Raoul at work I was completely absorbed by the thought of him and that young lad. At times I was, and still am, jealous almost and pretty angry at him for not telling me this after all this time. Well, why would he? I haven't told him anything about my past either. Nothing amazing anyway. However, as I went through those letters I posted above once more, I was starting to understand and believe in what Henrick claimed; that Raoul was actually falling in love.

I had to speak to Henirck again yesterday. I wasn't able to meet with him but we spoke over the phone. I went to one of the laboratories where I could talk without people hearing me.

I figured that if I could retrace the final days or weeks of Aethelric – a Blondie for Blondies – then I might find out more about the Pet trading and where this whole thing originated. Or at least something I can go on. I feel like I am fumbling around in darkness.

Henrick told me that Aethelric had taken his refuge in Ceres at a simple brothel situated on a parallel street near the main road of the fourteenth district. I knew that place and I think I know which brothel he is referring to, but then he told me it has been closed down and turned into a motel. It is a nicely renovated place these days since the area has been cleaned up. But still I wanted to go there, just to see if I could soak up any remnants of these events. He had problems talking to me about all the things that had occurred, but he gave me a name: Josh. He told me it was a little boy who had been sent to Raoul to deliver a message about Aethelric. He said it had been a terrible event.

He couldn't talk about it, but he said that Aethelric never made it through that week. I was curious about all this that I just had to find out what had happened to Aethelric. I noted the name Josh, the places Henrick had mentioned and decided to take a walk in Ceres. I had no luck. The brothel has indeed been transformed to a motel and no one knew anything about the previous owners or the people working there. But persistence pays off as I always say. I asked the manager to call all his staff and ask them if anyone had heard of Josh or the killing of another Blondie. No one was willing to speak and thus I left the place. I was just about to drive off when one of the staff approached me and pointed me in the right direction. It was a young man in his early twenties with big, brown eyes flickering around nervously.

He told me to look up an old lady, nowadays more or less an inventory keeper at a local bar, who used to be one of those who resided in that brothel for she had no place else to live. It was her home and she was a good friend and confidant to a lot of the youngsters working there. Apparently, she was also the one caring for Aethelric.

And so Artemisia, I couldn't leave Ceres without meeting her. I was so anxious. I was looking forward to it so much I couldn't let go of the thought. It was already around 22:00 in the evening, but I was really on the edge. I thought Aethelric was madly obsessed with Raoul and vice versa, but it became painfully clear that it was I who was insanely obsessed with the truth behind Aethelric, Raoul and the Blondie Pets. I drove to the bar this young man had recommended. He had heard about this event as word gets around, but he didn't actually know any details. Well, I did find out a great deal about the details and it broke my heart.

I thought the letters I read were dipped in syrup to the point where they were ridiculous and at time I did think they were silly. But I must admit, Artemisia, that I found out more than I wanted to. You know, there is a saying that 'Curiosity killed the cat' and it is certainly true for this Kat. Let me put it this way; what I found out tonight not only shattered my world, it turned everything up side down, and kicked my feet from under me. I felt genuinely ill when I came home and my stomach was upset. Mostly out of anger… towards everyone and everything.

I arrived at the bar, which was situated in one of the less prominent areas of Ceres and stepped into a world of smoke and alcohol saturated breaths. It seemed as if even the light wanted to abandon this place, for it seemed to be pouring out into the street as I opened the door and inside was nothing but a dim aura. Well, I asked the bartender if he knew of an elderly woman called Billie Kai. Shortly thereafter I was directed to a narrow staircase to the second floor above the bar. As I walked towards the door number thirty-five, I was struck by the sweet smell of freshly baked cookies. As I was about to knock on the door, it was opened and the kindest smile greeted me on a worn, elderly face.

"Come in, my love." The old lady said and turned for me to follow her into the kitchen. Her simple outfit of a pair of green trousers and flowery blouse was protected by a red apron. It had a big pocket on the front out of which she took a packet of cigarettes that she put on the kitchen table. She poured up a cup of coffee for me and joined me with her own cup and a platter of freshly baked cardamom cookies. She had been expecting me it seems and as I asked her about it, she just returned a smile with the cigarette bursting into life between her lips as she stated; "Words can spread faster than the speed of sound in Ceres."

I helped myself to cardamom cookies and the most delicious coffee I've had in years.

"They can't make coffee like this in the stores or restaurants, sweetheart." She said and I agreed. Apparently she adds cinnamon, cardamom and nutmeg before brewing it. It was lovely. When I was into my third cookie, I started talking to her about the reasons to my visit. I mentioned Aethelric at which she responded; "Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time."

She blew out a large breath of smoke and the drifted into the thoughts as if she saw some images in that grey mist. She remained silent for a while then spoke.

"I am happy here. I've always been happy no matter where I had my home. You see, Ceres is my home, and no matter where in Ceres I am, I'm always home. Aethelric was also home here. More at home here than in the city of light outside our borders. He just didn't know it."

"Please tell me about him." I asked her and little did I know I would spend the entire night at her place. I came to work today directly from Billie's home. I asked for permission to record her story, and following a slight nod and a gulp of coffee, I turned on the recorder and here is the result.

_--  
"Aethelric was beyond saving, from the beginning. I was hoping for the opposite though, for he was a special child. He belonged nowhere, you see. He came here after escaping the home of a prominent Blondie, whom he didn't wish to name. He thought he could find a home someplace else where he could live on his own and redeem himself, but he was too eager and ended up pushing people away. Even Lord Am… oh, yes, I know about that too and… that is the reason you are here, no?"_

_"Pardon me?"_

_"With all that has been said on the news with the assassination of that Dr Hannoh… brutal thing. You know, I heard he was connected somehow to those poor girls found in the Deben harbor. I saw the interview with Lord Raoul Am. I recognized him immediately, of course. It was the second time in my life I was within an arm's length of him. I suppose you are an investigator… or perhaps a reporter?"_

_"Well… I'm…"_

_"Well?"_

_"I'm actually neither, Mrs Kai."_

_"Good, 'cause I wouldn't have told you a damn thing in that case."_

_"I'm here for personal reasons."_

_"Fair enough, child, fair enough. He was too intense, you know? Almost impossible to deal with at times. Well, he had been in a violent argument with his newfound lover, Lord Am, and had to leave. You see child, Aethelric was extremely moody, but he wasn't a bad man. He just wanted for someone to care for him, attention or some acknowledgement."_

_"He had been tagged a Pet. That's one heck of a way to get attention."_

_"Oh yes. He was an abomination of Nature and a violation of Jupiter's laws. He had no place in this life."_

_"What do you know about his past, Mrs Kai?"_

_"You've been wrong twice now. Miss, I am still and always will be a Miss. No Jupiter or y-chromosome is going to tell me what to do or not, lover. Oh, don't get me wrong. I had numerous boys like you when I was younger. I was a real dish and although the shell has changed a bit I'm still a cookie inside."_

_"Yes, you are Miss Kai. Oh, and these are delicious by the way."_

_"Bless you. Well, life doesn't last forever, sweetie, and everything dies in the end. Just like that beautiful boy Aethelric. He was an unfortunate Pet who put up a little more resistance than Pets do in general. Despite the humiliation of being a slave to a sadistic master, he gathered what was left of his strength and sanity and escaped. But of course, as a scared young man in a world he hardly knew anything about, he took his refuge in Ceres. But he wanted to escape this. He disliked Ceres, although he was ever so kind to its inhabitants, to me. Quite soon he learned to feed off those with money and within a few months he had a reputation as an exquisite concubine for the wealthiest. He was a quick learner, but all this was happening in the dark of course. He had many assumed names, but never allowed the clients to pick him up close to where he lived."_

_"Where did he live?"_

_"Oh, everywhere… numerous places, but his last stop was at that little brothel where I had lived for about eleven years. Sounds very bad, I'm sure, but I assure you it was never boring."_

_"I heard he had killed his master. Is that true?"_

_"Oh no, no… that was his way of dealing with it. It gave him distance from the world. It was his way to convince himself that he had broken with the past. You see my dear, his Master came to collect him the day he died. I should have suspected something when that limousine drove by in the days before it all happened. He was so happy those few remaining days. He didn't even take on anymore clients. He said he was saving the rest for his love. I should've told him about the limousine that arrived after he turned the lights off in his room, and left once Aethelric showed signs of life in the mornings. Stupidly, I thought it was just another customer. Some customers used to be a bit obsessive, but they never came by his place… it was just something he told me."_

_--_

At this point I was dumbfounded and Miss Kai saw that numbness in my expression. She made a slight pause in our conversation to prepare an evening snack, but I insisted on helping. Not to speed it all up, but rather to sort out all the thoughts in my head. After a few salami sandwiches, toasted in the oven, and large cup of soothing tea, we continued talking and she delved into the story.

It was very painful for her; tears were falling between sentences. It seems like she really liked that boy. I turned off the recorder. I did come to her for personal reasons and so, I thought the remainder of her story should be personal. I do, however, remember it vividly.

She told me that Aethelric had a deep problem that perhaps not even Raoul knew anything about. He was a drug addict, but apparently his problems worsened when Raoul had rejected him. I wasn't so surprised though. There were many occasions when I thought of starting with that crap too just to keep the guilt at bay when I traded and sold Pets. I really don't know how I managed to remain sane… or maybe I am not.

Aethelric's costumers were also starting to climb down the social ladder as apathy was sometimes taking him over. Miss Kai told me at one occasion he paid for his drugs by allowing a lowlife dealer to use his body for simple pleasures. Miss Kai had knocked on the door when hearing the moans of the disgraceful dealer, and knew what was going on in Aethelric's little apartment. She was in her seventies, but a tough cookie. She had picked up a shotgun from the brothel manager (they are always well armed – as was I when I was dealer) and literally blew down the door. Aethelric had been so high that he didn't even notice when the customer got off his body. Miss Kai put the barrel against the dealer's head and he didn't even get the opportunity to pull up his trousers when she threw him out.

As I understand it Aethelric's worst weeks were after he had left Raoul's home. He was often gathered up from the floor by Miss Kai. It took a long time for him to allow for the harsh truth to sink into his consciousness. He had to accept that Raoul had nothing to give – no love… not even a hint of warmth.

"He just shivered on and on for days. I met him at a local bar where he had been drinking like crazy. I felt sorry for him, for he was a beautiful lad… and yes, I've always been weak for those even if they were bad boys. I asked him to check into the 'motel' at least to rest a little while. The next day he bought drugs and for a while it went on. Sometimes he was so pale and cold, it was as if the blood was leaving his body, draining his very spirit of passion and life."

I understood what Miss Kai was saying. I am sure shame had hollowed out Aethelric's dignity and he dared not to face reality, so he hid inside the drugs. I hid inside self-pity and looking back at it, I don't know which is worse or more addictive really.

After Raoul took up contact with Aethelric, feeling shattered and alone in a world without Iason, the young lad started to bloom again. I don't believe entirely that it was Raoul's way to compensate for his loss, I sincerely think that he loved that boy. He just needed a break in order to see more clearly what he missed out on in his life.

Miss Kai told me the day before Aethelric died he actually revealed the name of his new lover. Although it sounded absolutely unbelievable, she knew he never lied and she just had to take a look at him to realize that the most improbable was the most possible. After all, he was a Blondie prostitute in Ceres. How atrocious, just the thought. She said:

"The car arrived early in the morning the day he died. A tall, blond Lord got out of the car, followed by a few guns for hire. They were dressed in black, whereas the Lord was very stylish in his pastel turquoise robe. I felt the danger as he passed by. His face was so stale and so hard. When the arguments started I felt as if the heavens would be torn down. I immediately sent Josh, my little helper at that time who was an orphan, to ride his bike to Tanagura and forward a message to Lord Am. I didn't hear much of the conversation… I couldn't make out the words… but I do remember fragments from them. I remember the name Jerychio, and that Aethelric would reveal something. There was another person who was mentioned but I didn't catch that name. It was a name that almost sounded like a palindrome through the walls. You know like Ana, but it was something else. When he said that, that Lord emitted the most vicious growl I've ever heard. I tell you, young Katze, the blood simply froze in my veins. I was just praying for Lord Am to come as soon as possible. But when I heard Aethelric begging for his life I knew there was no chance for Raoul to see him alive again."

I can tell you one thing, Artemisia, my heart-to-heart conversation with Miss Kai has changed a lot. I just need to see something for my own eyes when I go to Raoul's office tomorrow. I just need to know if it s true. Miss Kai offered me some cigarettes and together we finished about three packs. I can hardly breathe and I can't write more tonight. I'll just rest a little.


	47. Visions of Death

* * *

HELLO ALL. THANK YOU FOR READING AND LEAVING COMMENTS. I AM MOST HONOURED THAT YOU GUYS TAKE THE TIME TO READ AND COMMENT. I KNOW THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER CAN BE A BIT DIFFICULT TO READ AS IT CONTAINS CHARACTER DEATH. PLEASE FEEL WARNED AND GIVE SOME FEEDBACK IF YOU FEEL IT SPOKE TO YOU DEEPLY.

* * *

**Visions of Death: 4694-040**

It's almost time to get up for work. I am so tired, but I have had a series of nightmares this night. My thoughts have been focused so hard on Raoul and Aethelric that as I fell asleep listening to the "read out loud" - function on your document program – reading through what I have written down from yesterday – I was plagued by the information as it was all played before my eyes all night through. I was bathing in sweat and could hardly breathe. You want me to tell you about my dream? Alright; I have about three hours before I have to be at work so until then, I can reveal Aethelric's final moments.

I remember I was hovering above them like a feather. It was agonizing for I could hear them and feel them, but I couldn't interact. I really wanted to stop Aethelric from opening the door as it was knocked on, but he just walked straight through me. It felt so uncomfortable. It felt like being temporarily being submerged in ice. By Jupiter's grace, I felt sick to my stomach and I said to myself (inside my own dread) "Katze, this is a dream… wake up", but I couldn't wake up. Not then.

* * *

Aethelric was packing his belongings, consisting of a very few things, getting ready to leave everything behind. He was to move in with Raoul the next day. There was a knock on the door and he just went towards it without suspecting anything. Happy and playful. But his face turned bitter within a second and he backed up in fear as the Lord entered and the guns secured the room.

"H-how… how did you find me?"

"Be silent." Lord Jerychio spat arrogantly as he paced about in the tiny room; "From your little love letters dear. Those pathetic letters you sent to Lord Am. Did you really think that communicating with such a prominent Blondie would go unnoticed? Don't you have any dignity? Or maybe that's a question I should ask your lover – mingling with a common whore like you."

Aethelric sighed and accepted his reprimand as though he were a guilty child, but bit back seconds later. "So did you. I was your Pet for as long as I can remember."

"How very true." Came as an intrusion through the air. His silvery hair was sweeping over his back like veil as he stepped closer to Aethelric who was shaking like a leaf; his eyes were returning anxiety-ridden dread. "And you still are if I remember correctly. Since you are working as a prostitute, you must have your Pet-ring still."

"Please, just let me go. I will disappear from your life and…"

"No! You have stayed hidden from me and just think of all the agony you put me through. Having all those thoughts about where my Pet could be. That fire destroyed my entire home, killed two of my servants trying to find you inside. You cost me so much."

"I am sorry, my Lord, please forgive me." Aethelric was on his knees. "Please, just let me go. I'll pay you back for everything I've cost you."

"That's not acceptable. It's not enough." The Lord said soothingly, patting the head of the boy like a father might. "You owe me so much my little slave. You see, no mongrel can live up to all that you have. You are so much more intense; your eyes, your screams, your strength when you try to fight back, the ecstasy your body can bring about when I'm inside you."

Suddenly, the door to his simple apartment flew right open and Raoul barged in with fury. Aethelric didn't even have time to react before Raoul had one gunman unconscious and threw him out of the room whilst threatening Lord Jerychio with a fierce growl. He was fuming with hatred and would have torn all of them apart if it hadn't have been for that other bodyguard threatening to shoot him.

After a swift introduction to the Blondie who was posing power over Aethelric Raoul felt he had to intervene on the boy's behalf and made a futile attempt. He cast a glance at Aethelric to reassure the boy and to make him understand that he wasn't alone… that Raoul was on his side… but the youngling was beside himself with fear and could hardly hear anything of the conversation. Raoul made a quick decision, in an effort to change the course of the brutal future, which was rapidly approaching.

"I will buy your Pet. Name the price… anything."

Jerychio chuckled as he grabbed Aethelric by the hair, pulling him close.

"No money in the world would serve me greater satisfaction than the reward of revenge. Besides, what would you do with him? He is so fine, yet so erratic, and seductive yet so unreachable and… just very confusing. Let me solve the puzzle for you, my dear Lord. Aethelric displays all that we lack… and how can you understand something you don't have? How can you love him – or anyone else – when you don't have the slightest inkling of what love is?"

Raoul was dumbfounded and cast a worried look at the trembling boy, still silent and horrified.

"What will you do to him?"

"My Pet is my business only, but a punishment is in order don't you think?" Lord Jerychio cut in with a smirk and Raoul felt his breath leave his body with ache as he recognized his own cocksure response he himself had uttered so often. He had Aethelric so close once, and he let it all slip through his fingers. Aethelric was Raoul's path to a different view just as Riki had been to Iason, a path that had not existed before but one, which was now closing. He felt powerless to help the only person he cared about, who was staring back with a desperate plea in his eyes. Only once in his life, he would have to make a terribly difficult choice; to go against his own… against Jupiter's laws? A pet was indeed the property of the Master. Maybe if he revealed everything to Jupiter? No, she would annihilate Aethelric for he was damaged goods. Raoul walked up to Aethelric, releasing him from whispering.

"I could ask him to let me do it, Aethelric. I promise I will control it so it won't even break your skin. Please, just tell me you accept it."

The boy tilted his head at which the tears balancing on the lower eyelids poured over his face like a grail emptying its contents. Aethelric's voice was weak, but the words he spoke were from a source of solid belief.

"So you'd raise a hand against me to be merciful? You can't love me, but you can hurt me… kindly? I decline your kind punishment, my Lord. Now, please go. My Master and I have something to discuss. I will see you… sometime… later."

In that split second, Raoul realized that there was nothing he could do. Aethelric belonged to someone else and no one could ever interfere with a Lord and his Pet. I was so furious at him at this time in my dream that I must have clenched my teeth with force, for I have such pain in my jaws now I am awake. But I somehow understood Raoul, because this was the game I had been playing when trafficking. No one but Jupiter could cancel an asset unless it was sold or in any way deemed free for bargain. This reduced the freedom of the Pets and by the Gods I am ashamed of myself now. I hate what I have become, Artemisia. If Raoul had picked up the boy and just walked off with him he would be accused of property theft and I am sure Lord Jerychio wouldn't let him slip by with just a fine. Apart from that; Jupiter's destruction of Aethelric; the boy was dead in any case. Rules were set and they had to be played by. Everyone knew that… even Aethelric.

"I'll be waiting for you outside, Aethelric." Raoul stuttered softly. He was so weak I thought he would collapse. The boy nodded with a smile and I could see that somehow he was at peace.

As Raoul left the room, I drifted along with him. I was slipping away from the room, hovering after him into the street. I didn't want to leave Aethelric and felt this panic taking me over in my sleep. I wanted to stay and save him but I was drifting away.

"I can't breathe, Henrick." Raoul managed to exhale and took a seat on a bench just outside the 'motel'. An old lady not known to him, Miss Kai, was sitting there too, humming and rocking a plastic red rose in her lap. Raoul needed to get his mind off things while he waited for Aethelric and asked the woman about the rose.

"Once I had the finest rose that ever dared to bloom, but the cruel winter chilled from above and stole my flower before it had the chance to seed again. It was the prettiest one…"

She turned her wrinkled face towards Raoul and smiled comfortingly. "But you can have mine now. I am through mourning it… but you have a whole life ahead of you to remember what was once lost. Here." She placed the plastic rose in his lap. "Take it. If I knew what a big mistake it was to send for you, I would have never asked the boy to deliver the message to you, My Lord."

Suddenly, there was a terrible shriek coming from the motel and a handful of people ran out in fear.

"Raoul!"

From the darkness inside, there I could see something glistening on a silhouette. It was a body, the shape of it was familiar, but the color was so odd. It was Aethelric and he was covered in something. Raoul staggered along with Henrick a few steps back as the juvenile figure appeared drenched in blood. Aethelric had been beaten severely and there was hardly any spot on his body that was not discolored by the red mass on his skin. His eyebrows were cut, cheeks swollen, lips split and his torso bruised and beaten beyond anything imaginable. As the boy staggered out onto the street he kept holding his hands in a cramp near his stomach; screaming Raoul's name over and over.

"Raoul… please… Raoul…!"

Raoul freed himself from Henrick's grip and ran up to Aethelric, just in time to catch the lad as he collapsed on the ground, pulling Raoul down with him. At that moment, Raoul noticed the gaping wound in Aethelric's belly. The blood that flooded through the wound was almost black. It meant only one thing – his liver was cut and within a few minutes he would be dead.

I shouted as loudly as I could, but no one could hear me. I then realized what it was like to be a Pet; all those girls and boys… all those that I traded and never heard their cry.

"This is not happening!" Raoul screamed out his denial, refusing to accept the facts this cruelty before him presented him with. The red rose was starting to fade and his hands turned ice cold. But Aethelric's voice was ever so calm and angelic, just as people had told me it was.

"Shh, it's all right."

The words just flowed unhindered through Raoul.

"No, it's not all right!" Raoul screamed with rage and hurt. It made even Henrick jolt and back away, choking on his pain. "It's not all right… it never was."

He held the boy close but the body was unresponsive. As he gazed down, behind the curtain of tears, he witnessed as Aethelric's head fall back and his body resting heavily and relaxing on the ground. As the pupils dilated and the last bit of essence abandoned the young body, Raoul felt the last bit of his humanity vanish along with it. The tears froze on his cheeks and his heart was submerged in an icy well… hidden away from the world and away from foolish emotions. It wasn't his fault, he was a Blondie… it was all they were. Proud, strong, and icons of self-indulgence. The world was at their feet and there was no room for love.

Jerychio followed shortly thereafter. Raoul let go of the boy and flew up from the ground grabbing Jerychio by the throat, but was halted by the bodyguards putting a gun to his temple from both sides. Without even a flicker of regret Lord Jerychio left the scene saying; "Now you can have him to do with as you please."

Gathering some composure Raoul muttered; "There must be a way to save him." And repeated it over and over again.

"Master, the boy is dead." Henrick pointed out and placed hand on Raoul's shoulders.

"No! There has to be another way. I can talk to Jupiter…"

"Master…"

"No, you listen!" Raoul shouted and grabbed Henrick by the collar, something he had never done before. "I'll talk to her I can fix this!"

"No use." Henrick argued as humbly as he could. "His body may be restored, but it won't be his soul… and it was that soul that captured you… just like everyone else. Aethelric is lost. It's everybody's fault... including his own. Let him be, master, please."

Raoul sank to the ground watching the pale skin turning into a shade of grey, while the blood in the veins had stalled, creating a mesh under the marble skin.

Those kissable lips were already blue and slightly parted as if a word was still lingering on them and thus Raoul bent over and kissed them one final time. He had been so preoccupied that time slipped through his fingers. He was just a little too late.

Suddenly, I was at the morgue. I was alone with hundreds of bodies stored in the cold room. I could see my own breath and was trembling with the chill and the presence of death that was leaking from every body. I saw Aethelric's body; it was the only one that was not covered. I walked up to it and just watched him for a long time. Then I saw the most peculiar thing. His nose was bleeding and I was filled with hope and fright that he might still be alive. I started calling for the medics but there was nothing but silence in response.

As I turned back to face Aethelric I saw to my dread that his eyes were open, flooded with blood and tears. His hand shot out from his body, grabbing me by the throat, his fingers piercing my gullet. I couldn't breathe and I was in such pain the likes of which I had never experienced before. He hissed angrily at me and before I even realized what had happened the corpses of all those Pets from the Deben harbor had surrounded me – digging their fingers into the flesh of my body. I was trying to scream and to call for help, but I was overwhelmed by a powerful jerk that muted me. It took me few seconds to understand what had happened but panic cut through me as I saw my own esophagus in the bloody hands of a growling Aethelric. He screamed like an animal whilst I raised my hands to my throat and felt the open wound gaping beneath my palms. Then, Artemisia, the accusations came. I heard them all scream. I heard them all accusing me; it was all my fault it was because of people me like they had died, people like me without a conscience, people like me who were immune to the pleading of a Pet.

* * *

I woke up in terrible pain, and I was crying like a baby Artemisia. I instinctively grabbed hold of Bunny and curled up in my bed until the pain settled. Am I such a terrible person? By all the Gods, Artemisia, of all the players involved in this crazy game, I am the most appalling one. Of all the people who need redemption it is me. You see, my love, I can't even see myself in the mirror anymore. It's like my own image rejects me and all I see is someone I hate. Will my image clear once I bring Raoul down? I think I can understand him a bit more why he is working on Blondie Pets. I mean if he fell in love with one, maybe he wants to find Aethelric again on one of them. Could that be it? Can he really do this out of some twisted longing for love?

Oh my. The time is 08'58. I have to get ready to work. I'll be late anyway.


	48. I am Tired

**I am tired: 4694-040**

I thought I would be able to have the afternoon in peace, but I was contacted by Papa Downs again. I told him I would not go to Ceres tonight, but then he countered with saying he knew about my night in Ceres with Miss Kai. I said it mattered nothing to me if he was worried about me going off on stray paths now that they were so close to actually find something to bring Raoul down with.

"You can't jeopardize this mission, Katze." He growled at me. I understood his nervousness due to the fact that Raoul had already tracked me down once and if he saw me prowling in Ceres, he would bury all his connections to the beacon and they would lose all they had on him.

"Give me some time, Papa." I told him. "I am tired, angry, confused and I still have a hell of a lot more to discover. I can already tie a motive to his obsession with breeding Blondies. I need more time."

"Time that we don't have."

"I will say the same thing as you told me, Papa... make it happen. Make some time for it, 'cause this is as fast as it will happen."

"Any success on the beacon?" He asked, but I told him that it is an impossible mission and a waste of time when I am making progress here through traditional methods.

"Just don't take too long, Katze. I beg of you."

"Look, Papa, you wanted something that could unravel this mess, now I am on the verge of getting it."

I briefed him about the information I have so far and the possible motive behind Raoul's obsession with Blondie Pets. I told him about the brothel, the old lady (although I didn't reveal her name) and the murder of the young man. I didn't reveal his name either. I told him about the TrxG project and the theories about the physiological abnormalities that could lead to more viable Blondie babies. He demanded to see the documents, but I told him I haven't been able to break all the security codes protecting the documents as yet. Nonetheless, I sent over what I had.

I feel I need to talk to Henrick again. He was there and he saw what had happened. I heard it once form Miss Kai, I am wondering if Henrick can add more information to the story. One thing I can understand about him. He said that he had problems talking about it and I can see now why that is. I never saw it happening, yet the nightmare had robbed me of so much power. I genuinely feel sorry for that kid and I can't imagine that Raoul could abandon him that way. Why? I am turning you off Artemisia. I feel I need a break… even from you at times.

Note: I couldn't stay away from you after all. You are worse than my cigarettes in terms of addiction. You know there are cigarettes that come from plants not containing any stimulants, and also they do not deposit tar or pyrolytic products into your lungs. They cost almost ten times as much as this crap I am breathing, I know, but I started smoking so very young and at that time I could only afford the hazardous ones. And now, you say? Well, now I am so hooked on that poison that even though I can afford healthier alternatives, I can't stop craving for that shit. I'm sorry. I know you don't like me swearing too much, but I am not going to erase that.

Well, I am thinking about what to tell Trithorax. I have sent him an email to meet me in the chat room in about five minutes. He is not on yet. I am worried about how he will take the fact that I have to stop seeing him. I need to break contact with him because all I think about when I am with him is Raoul, and all I was thinking about when I was with Raoul was Trithorax. I can no longer keep the two apart. I have to destroy Raoul and so it will be difficult for me to be with a person who will remind me of that every second.

* * *

_BlueBunny logged on 041: 00'03. Magellan Firewall opens portal KJNDB-897349-493._

_  
Trithorax logged on 041: 00'04. Magellan Firewall opens portal IGBHL-3682-9932.  
_

_Trithorax_  
Hello my dear.

_BlueBunny_  
Hi.

_Trithorax_  
It's been a while and your letters have been very brief and short. Is there something wrong?

_BlueBunny_  
Yes… far too much and I have something very important to tell you.

_Trithorax_  
You want to stop seeing me, don't you?

_BlueBunny_  
I am sorry. How did you know?  
_  
Trithorax_  
I could feel it. I haven't heard from you in long time and it's the way you answered the letters. I knew it was a question of time. Can I ask if it's because of your boss?

_BlueBunny_  
Yes.

_Trithorax_  
Could you explain, please?

_BlueBunny_  
You know, you remind me of him at times. It's just the way you say things. If life wasn't so screwed up, I wouldn't mind it, Tri, but I can't handle having to destroy a man and then be with someone who reminds me of him all the time. I loved every second with you, but I am too weak. I am not asking you to forgive me for this, for I wouldn't if I in your shoes. But I am asking you to understand me, Tri. If things settle down and I find balance in my life, I will come back for you… but until then I really need to stop seeing you. I can't do my job fearing for your life.

_Trithorax_  
Fearing for my life?!

_BlueBunny_  
Yes. Tri, the reason I didn't want to see your face or for you to see mine, was because accidents happen too often in this business. They already killed Dr Hannoh and they will make another attempt at my boss. I don't know when or where, but these people are bitter and they will stop at nothing until my boss is dead. They might kill me in the process too. Raoul is only targeted by the underground world, but I am targeted from both sides… even by those who want to protect him. If people know who you are they will get to you too, anything to get to me. I couldn't bear the thought of losing your over this and I also know what it's like to lose someone you care about and so… I couldn't condemn you having to see my face on the news as one more who has been found dead. Do you understand the situation I am in?

_Trithorax_  
Yes, my love. I do and it's fair enough. But promise me one thing…

_BlueBunny_  
What.

_Trithorax_  
If things get solved and this madness stops… please return to me. I need you to be with me. I really, really love you my little ruby.

_BlueBunny_  
Tri, when this madness stops and I get into balance again, I promise to come back to you. I don't know when. That I cannot promise. When all this is over, I am planning on moving from Amoi. I want to leave it behind forever.

_Trithorax_  
I am going with you then. I don't care about my job, my life here, friends, family… nothing. I just want to be with you. Just give me hope.

_BlueBunny_  
Tri, I promise we will grow old together. How's that?

_Trithorax_  
That's good enough for me. That's perfectly enough. I'll wait for you as long as you need.

_BlueBunny_  
You just made me the happiest man on this planet. I will keep in touch, so don't you dare delete this account.

_Trithorax_  
I'll keep it open for you.

_BlueBunny_  
I have to go now, baby. You won't be hearing form me in a while, but I assure you, this come to an end soon.

_Trithorax_  
Bunny, not matter what happens just keep one thing in mind…  
_  
BlueBunny_  
What's that?

_Trithorax_  
I don't regret anything that has happened between us. I am sure there will be things you will think about over and over and perhaps question your sanity or mine… the risks we were taking and all the things we've said and done… but never doubt that my feelings were genuine. Each word I said to you was true.

_BlueBunny_  
I appreciate it. Thank you.  
_  
Trithorax_  
I'll see you soon.

_BlueBunny_  
Soon? Tri, it's really not a good idea.

_BlueBunny_  
Tri?

_Trithorax logged off 041: 00'41. Magellan Firewall closes portal IGBHL-3682-9932._

_BlueBunny logged off 041: 00'42. Magellan Firewall closes portal KJNDB-897349-493._

* * *

Damn it! I sincerely hope I won't have Trithorax coming to my work. I know I gave him the address once, but I am really not happy about him asking around for me. I can of course refuse to meet with him, but people can still point him to me if needed. Well, I'll just have to deal with it as the problem arises.

During these forty minutes I have consumed about five cigarettes and my lungs feel as if I have just run a marathon. I have to go to the doctor this week and have a proper check up.


	49. Tanagura Biomedical Center

**Tanagura Biomedical Center: 4694-042**

I had a requisition deliver to to Raoul today. I stepped into his office and he was sitting on the couch, just staring into his glass of bourbon. When I approached him, he lifted his pretty emeralds and greeted me with a very tired and exhausted smile. I saw that something was very wrong and so I couldn't help but to ask.

"The Ministry of Ethics is shutting us down." He sighed. "At least my department."

"How can they do that?" I asked.

"Because, they answer directly to Jupiter and whatever has been circling in the news has ruffled her feathers. She has started an investigation to see what truth lies behind the rumors of us being involved in the deaths of the Deben tragedy. Haven't you seen the news lately, Katze?"

I shook my head. "I've been trying to avoid it as much as possible. I think it's just depressing."

Raoul smiled and laughed a little bit as he took another sip.

"I will be held in custody whilst the investigations are being conducted. Jupiter will tag me for time being to be traced wherever I go."

"Do they have anything on you?" I asked him

Raoul shook his head. "Not yet. Nothing solid, just circumstantial evidence, but that's enough to make Jupiter take measures."

"Raoul." I stepped closer to him. "Are you involved in any way? Answer me truthfully. Please."

Artemisia, I don't know what to say. He kicked my feet out from under me right then. He looked me deeply into the eyes and with a sincere "Yes", he confirmed all my fears. I started shivering, but not with anger. I really feared for his life.

"What will happen now?" I asked.

He gave me a faint smile explaining that the company stocks have fallen off the market and thousands of research documents were being confiscated each second. Jupiter has closed all communications in and out of the facility, tracing and keeping surveillance of every electronic impulse in the ether.

"Oh my God." I exclaimed. "What will happen to the beacon?"

"She found it already. That's why the investigations were put into full swing Katze. There was the connection. But I turned it off before she managed to trace it to the relay."

I sat down next to Raoul and watched him for a little while. My chest was hurting again and I was wheezing as I got short of breath with worry.

"What will happen to you, Raoul, if they find something to tie you to the murders?"

"If Jupiter finds me guilty of the Deben tragedy, I will be destroyed. It's as simple as that. Have you ever seen the Blondie cemetery, Katze?"

I shook my head. I thought they were just incinerated like everyone else, but Raoul snorted a smile and placed a comforting hand on my thigh, patting me and clearly amused at my ignorance. However, there was no way for me to know. What Raoul told me was like a nightmare vision of a fate I wouldn't want to share.

"You are placed in a vertical coffin molded to your body shape and filled with a buffered saline solution. From there, your body impulses are closely monitored by Jupiter until she decides she wants your body to something else. Mostly it is the old worn out bodies that are placed there and the solution is filled with digestive enzymes until it dissolves the body completely and she can use that biological material to build a new artificial womb for the next fetus. But sometimes, even those who have committed a crime are placed there. She will monitor your mind and register the neural impulses, reading your thoughts if you will, and thereby she can learn and prevent unwanted traits in her creations. Not that she can do anything to control that little entity called a soul, but she can raise and teach us to be more perfect."

I didn't even think as I spoke that name. "Just like Aethelric…"

"What?" Raoul almost choked on his bourbon and his eyes were immediately filled with tears, almost as if someone had poured salt in them. "What did you say?"

I returned his tortured complexion and mouthed a silent; "I'm sorry. I know… I know all about it."

Raoul just gaped and shook his head as if in denial and I tried to continue to take the edge off the sharp tension that had built up between us.

"Even if you'd managed to bring him back, it wouldn't have been the same boy. Not the one you loved, Raoul. He would have been different. Right?"

Raoul stared at me as if I had come from a different dimension; still drooping with his shoulders as when the essence of life leaves your body imploded and drained. After what seemed eternity I saw a faint nod witnessed of life still flowing through him.

"What's going to happen, Raoul?" I asked.

"Well." He muttered after gathering some composure. "Right now, all investigations point to me as the mastermind."

"Are you?" I couldn't help asking and the question just floated naturally out of me.

Raoul looked at me for a long time as if he tried to imprint the answer into my head through my eyes, then he responded by saying; "Katze, I have some very important business down town and I will be off tomorrow. I have to be at the preliminary hearing in court and I have decided to take the rest of the day off. You may come to it if you want. It starts at nine forty… sharp."

"I will be there. Is there anything else you want me to do?"

I was hoping he'd say something like 'kiss, me', 'hold me' or 'take me away from here'. By the Gods Artemisia, if he had said so, I would've booked the next flight out of Amoi and just escaped this madness. But Raoul was never the one to run away from hardship and so all I received was a promise that he will give me a three month's worth of salary in advance to leave the company before it was shut down or the assets cancelled by Jupiter.

"Raoul, I am not leaving you." I stuttered shaking my head, but he was persistent.

"Katze, at least let me do something right."

My arms were aching to hold him and comfort him, promise him that everything would be all right in the end – just as I wanted him to comfort me a while back. But I couldn't. I thanked him for his kindness and looked at my watch. I had lunch plans with Henrick, I had to go. I felt how Raoul's gaze was holding me back, but I had to pull away. I felt so guilty because I was the major mole giving all the information to the opposite side and even at this moment Raoul remained more concerned about my future than his own. At the door I turned around saying; "Please give me something to go on. Say something that will change all this."

"Do you remember when I called one night, after the assassination and said I had something to confess?" He asked.

I nodded.

"By the way you reacted I found it inappropriate at that time to tell you, but I do have something to say."

I was preparing to go back to him, but he halted me with that invisible fence he placed in front of me.

"Not today, Katze, and not here. I have to do things first. I will see you tomorrow."

I really felt that time was running out for Raoul and a sense of panic was starting to bloom within me. For the first time I went against company regulations and smoked a few cigarettes at my desk in the office. Encouraged by this, others acted in a similar way. No one cared about silly rules, when so much more was at stake.

It's past midnight again and I have decided to take the day off tomorrow. I had lunch with Henrick today, or actually yesterday, and new things surfaced. He did confirm the murder of the young boy and I have never seen a man so shattered as when he had to go through those thoughts again. I thought for a moment he would just stand up and leave, but he remained in the restaurant and kept on talking. He told me, that following this tragic event Raoul gathered Aethelric's dead body, refusing to give it to the caretakers that would take it back to Jupiter. He wanted to keep the boy close, somewhere where he could visit him whenever he wanted – the Arcos cemetery. No one has been buried there since more than a thousand years, it was prehistoric and a protected cultural area, but following a generous donation from Raoul the mayor had allowed for him to gain access to it.

About this time, Artemisia, my mind started humming. It was bothering me in a way it had never done before. I suddenly remembered that Trithorax had told me it was a place he liked to go to in order to clear his mind. I am still confused or in denial I don't know, but I feel empty inside. I stayed with Henrick and tried to focus so hard on his words that I got a nosebleed.

I rushed to the men's room to clean up and by the time I got out Henrick had calmed down a little and was ready to continue talking. We had since long passed the lunch hour and were in on our second hour when he revealed something quite astonishing. The thought's lead me back to Mimea for some reason.

He told me after the Aethelric's death, Raoul had become very isolated for weeks. He was in no mood to see people or to even to communicate those basic words of wanting something. He visited Aethelric on a daily basis; every day a new bouquet of white roses, but then something happened, which changed the course of his gloomy life. Although Raoul was heavily burdened by his thoughts and isolated himself from the world, life kept on moving with or without him and when Jupiter appointed him to assume the place of Iason Mink, he had to shape up his head. It was really an order rather than a request from Jupiter, but carried out with concerns to the loss Raoul had suffered. Of course, Raoul told Jupiter is was an aftershock to Iason's death and thus the chemical imbalance in his head was restored without an investigation.

"Raoul had started to attend meetings again, but he hardly did that whole heartedly. At one of these gatherings he ran into Doh'ra." Henrick said.

It was another name I recognized. I knew I heard or seen it someplace and after a few moments of digging into my mind I remembered the recording of Raoul and those three girls. The file itself was called Doh'ra. I had to know more about that and so, poor Henrick told me all he knew. Before my eyes this whole world was turning more and more bizarre and so difficult to grasp. What was going on?

Henrick told me Doh'ra was the Pet of Lord Theschel'rhiann Qhui. She was only seventeen at the time, but a really sweet girl. Raoul had brought Henrick to the gathering as well, since Pets were invited to mingle and by that time Henrick and Raoul had shared so much that he couldn't consider taking anyone else with him.

Raoul had stayed away from the company and seated himself in front of a fireplace in the library. He thought he had been alone, but the girl entered wondering why someone of his caliber was hiding from the rest of the guests. Doh'ra on the other had was a girl who was way older than she looked. According to Henrick she completely disarmed Raoul with her charm and allowed for him to open up in an unusual way.

"He had refused to talk to a Pet about his problems, and that is understandable." Henrick said.

Yes, it was understandable. Why would Raoul talk to a little mongrel female about his personal life; first of all a mongrel and second of all a person he had just met?

"How did she manage to open him up then?"

"Chess." Henrick said. "She challenged him to a game of chess, which he kept on refusing, until she claimed his denial was only a reflection of his fear to lose a game to a simple mongrel."

The game was set up in a way such that each time Raoul lost a piece he had to answer any question she asked and if she lost a piece, she would have to answer any question he asked. She lost the game very easily and could get past more than three questions, but Raoul respected her efforts and when they met again at a different revelry, she managed to talk him into giving her a new chance. She kept on losing with only three to four questions in hand, but I think Raoul appreciated her company and after a few months he allowed her to come to visit him at his home.

"I was as surprised as anyone would be seeing a young woman visiting Lord Raoul Am. You can just imagine the gossip in our household." Henrick chuckled and dug into his dessert. It was his second round of Crêpe Suzette. I know he loved those although I bet he could make much tastier ones than those served in this restaurant. Henrick was an excellent cook. He continued.

"I don't know how and long it took, but I do believe Raoul found something about her that was appealing. You know he has always had an odd taste when it came to Pets."

We both laughed and stated that yes, Raoul has always been a player for both teams and he wasn't ashamed to admit it. He loved curves as well as muscles. She never managed to win a game of chess, but she did win his confidence and trust.

"She was a very petite little thing with a huge attitude, but despite her age he gave her a plushy for her nineteenth birthday." Henrick said. "She wasn't impressed by jewelry or fancy clothing, for her Lord had spoiled her silly with those gifts. She was completely overwhelmed by that silly toy."

Yes, Artemisia, the blue bunny plushy. So, there was only one more question for me to ask and that was… where could I find this girl? But that was more than Henrick knew. I had hit a dead end.

Since I've come home I've been looking at that recording over and over. I think Doh'ra is just a sidetrack from this whole event, but I will have to abandon Raoul in the morning. I have more important things to look at.


	50. Trial and Betrayal

_**Hello all. I am being in a good mood and so I decided to post yet another chapter tonight. Hope you don't mind and enjoy if you like this story.**_

* * *

**Trial and betrayal: 4694-043**

When the time was 09'41 I was standing above Aethelric's grave at the Arcos cemetery. Only about a hundred meters from where Trithorax and I used to sit. I know it went through my mind. I know it goes through your mind too, Artemisia; could Tri and Raoul be the same person? I can't make up my mind about that. Raoul is a Blondie and Tri is a mongrel. Tri's eyes are dark, his hair black and his voice much softer. I felt him, he was real, not just a projection through the screen. He… That's how I know he was real… but so is Raoul. So far the only thing that ties them together is this cemetery. Chance or a sinister game?

The white roses were fresh and that's how I found his grave. No other grave was so decorated and well cared for as this one. The headstone was blank apart from the text "You are free, my love…" Before I knew I was on my knees next to the roses leaning over the headstone, kissing the memorial of this unknown young man, who has nestled into my heart as much as Raoul's. I left my breath on the black, polished granite and stood up.

At ten o'clock I went to court. It was a closed hearing and since I had missed the start time, I wasn't allowed to go inside. At about three in the afternoon the people were released and Raoul came out of that magnificent edifice with a worn expression. He was so exhausted and could hardly focus on me as I met him at the entrance, but he had dignity worthy any great leader in his footsteps. He didn't look at me, just walked towards the limousine and asked me to come along.

We stopped at one of his favorite patisseries and went inside. As our light lunch was being served he told me about what happened in court. He was found guilty on circumstantial evidence and therefore Jupiter cannot allow him to work at the center any longer. Even if it is a preliminary hearing and the police, with X-breed leading the investigation, have nothing but circumstantial evidence to present, the issue itself is so serious that Jupiter treats it with utmost gravity.

Raoul told me that he was thoroughly questioned by the eight supreme judges and his every impulse was monitored by Jupiter. Her presence was intimidating for her power seemed ever so immense. Raoul was questioned regarding what he knew about the accusations, the research and the Deben tragedy. He was also questioned about the contents of the documents I had provided Papa Downs with, regarding the medical journals of the girls who were identified at the harbor. He admitted to having had those girls at the clinic but he had sincerely stated that he knew nothing about the claims that those girls were implanted with the fetuses at Center. He also added that yes, they do have the facilities and capability to conduct such studies, but if there was something of the sort going on it was without his knowledge and authorization. I think by placing himself so openly in the mercy of his opponents, Jupiter chose to believe him. The judges agreed to have Raoul tagged whilst investigations were ongoing and he is not allowed to leave Tanagura. He showed me the bracelet around his arm and frowned with disdain whilst I added a little humorously; "Well, you're Jupiter's little Pet now."

I thought he'd take offense but he brushed it off with a sigh.

"Anyway, Katze… today will be unlike any other in both our lives."

"What do you mean?" I asked and took a bite out of the leek and brie pie. It was then, Atemisia, when Raoul brought it all down on me. His confessions of emotions and brought it all forth.

"I know that you, and most others, think that Iason and I had an affair. I didn't, although I did care for him. I cared for him like a brother. I guess that is what you would call it. His death was a tremendous loss and it left me completely empty, but it was nothing compared to Aethelric's madness."

"You went almost insane with sadness I heard. Jupiter had to straighten your mind up." I added. I still have no idea why I sounded so cold. Well, I know now and I also know why my stomach quivered and made my coffee taste so bitter. I knew what was coming, but I was hoping. How stupid of me.

"Yes." Raoul sighed. "But he gave me something valuable in return. He made me see things a little differently. I was filled with so much hatred, so much bitterness and even when Jupiter took away all the angst and the pain, I was still mourning inside… something that I never told her. I kept his grave hidden from the world."

"I found it." I cut in with my heart pounding in my throat. I stared at him visibly shaking and he noticed it.

"I'm glad." He said nodding. "I am so tired of running, pussycat. You have no idea."

"So it's time to come clean now?"

He bit his lower lip like he always did when worried. But he forced a smile to calm me down and put a small present on the table. I watched that little box, beautifully wrapped and with trembling fingers, I picked it up.

"What's this?" I asked, but I couldn't manage to smile back.

"Open it." Raoul urged and took another sip of his wine.

I peeled the paper off the velvet box and carefully opened it. What I saw took my breath away and I was washed over by fury as a tiny rabbit of the clearest and most radiant ruby sparkled in a bed of silk. It was a breastpin – a ruby-rabbit, and I know only one person who ever called me that.

"You." I exhaled with a trembling voice. "You?"

I kept on repeated 'you, you, you' all the time and he just smiled back like an insecure child. I was so glad and so angry at the same time. In front of everyone I let my anger wash over him as I slapped his face repeatedly. I felt humiliated and hurt. All those things I've told him, all my secrets, my feelings that I had exposed, all that I wished to remain hidden from Raoul and all of this time I was feeding him with information he could gorge in. I exposed my weaknesses, my desires and my dreams. But I was also burdened by guilt and hypocrisy; my two great friends who sat on my shoulders as I accused Raoul of betrayal. I belittled him with my fury, but he responded ever so calmly.

"We are both spiders in the same web, my friend."

"But there is room only for one!" I replied and left him there.

Why was I so upset? I had cheated on him, betrayed his trust, humiliated him and accused him of the very things he claimed to fight against. I was bleeding inside. I got my deepest wish and I rejected it with all the hatred and vehemence I felt inside. I clutched the breastpin so hard that it dug inside my flesh. My palm was bleeding as was my heart and with a final curse I pushed Raoul out of my life. Through his eyes I witnessed his heart breaking, and though I would have wanted to clutch him in my arms, I rewarded his honesty by spitting in his face. I saw as he instinctively licked that drop of fuming hatred from the corner of his mouth as if he wanted to savor the last bit of me before I turned my back and left him when he needed me the most.

I have smoked so much today that my apartment is almost foggy. My lungs are screaming with pain and I threw up at least three times today. I am hurting both inside and out and I have lost all my will to care for him. When I think of all the things he knew about me; all the anguish and the torment of being a player and still he played on like if nothing happened. He is a genius I have to give him that. How could he do this? Why didn't he help me when he knew I didn't want to be a part of hurting him? I feel so sick. Need to go to the bathroom again.

Back. I am bleeding again and I can't breathe. I need to call an ambulance. Turning you off.

* * *

**Devastating news 4964:044**

I woke up in the hospital this morning and my pillow was covered with blood again. It is more frequent these days and I guess I can no longer just blame it on the stress of my lifestyle. Once the healers found out where I was working I got to be treated by the top medical scientists in on Amoi. A small perk from our company even if the Biomedical center was crumbling. I urged the doctor who received me not to inform my boss, no matter what they outcome of my examination would be. I was scared, but I couldn't go on like this, Artemisia, hardly being able to breathe anymore. I've spent quite a long time in Ceres the past months and I know there are still some exotic diseases in circulation that are hitting the poor more and more frequently. The doctors asked me if I had been there recently and took a chest scan. I guess it was one of those things… or rather I wished it was one of those things.

I got the report and since then I've smoked about half a pack of cigarettes. You'll never believe what the results are. My hands are trembling as I type this, but I made a promise to you and I shall post the report. I'll try to write some more after I relax a little.

_File 4964:043 PNEU7629 ONC/DIAG._

_Healer on duty: Dr L. Ceneri_

_Registered call – patient description: Complaints regarding shortness of breath, sore throat, chest pain and coughing up blood. Started approx. two months ago. Examination performed 4964:043._

_Diagnostics involved: NMR-tomography, blood samples and non-invasive broncho alveolar lavage, DNA profiling and polymorphic pinpointing._

_Diagnostic results: NMR-tomography clearly shows symptoms of lung cancer. There is an obvious change in tissue density, widening of the mediastinum (suggestive of spread to lymph nodes there), atelectasis (collapse), consolidation (pneumonia), and pleural effusion. As the patient is a heavy smoker with blood-stained sputum, broncho alveolar lavage provided the necessary information of the tumor type, non-small cell lung carcinoma (NSCLC)._

_Metastasis present in adrenal gland, which could explain some of the uneven stress-response experiences by the patient._

_TNM stage ranking is T4N2M1: Tumor 4 (present in lung). N2 (involvement of the lymphatic system) M1 (metastasis present)._

_Polymorphic profiling shows no polymorphic variants predisposing for lung cancer. However, the DNA profiling on specific genes have shown point mutations in genes coding for interleukin-1, and apoptosis promoter caspase-8 and DNA repair molecules XRCC1. These point mutations are most likely due to the exogenous carcinogens from smoking._

_Estimated prognosis: This is tumor type IV with less than a 3 five year survival without treatment._

_End of file.  
_

Well, Artemisia. I guess I knew it all along, I was just denying it to myself. But you know the worst part? Dr Luka Ceneri said I had a chance for a 100 recovery if we started treatment right now. My lungs would never recover, but he could take some stem cells and culture a new lung and new adrenal glands for they were already affected. With routine surgery they could replace them and everything would be as it was before. It was actually that very last thing he said, "everything will be as before", which made me make up my mind about this. I denied treatment and so with a little luck I have 62.4+ 0.7 days to live; a little less than two months. As a celebration to this, I emptied my last pack of cigarettes and I feel the pain. At least the doctor gave me some painkillers. I've decided I don't want Raoul to see that. Before all of this mess, I at least had Trithorax to talk to, but now, I don't even have that. I can't write anymore at the moment. I have to take a break and just clear my mind of thoughts.

I still have the chance to make up my mind, but time is running out. He told me; "Katze, this is aggressive and it spreads fast. Let me know as quickly as possible."

I don't know, Artemisia, each time I think about "Yes, save me", I come up with thousands of other excuses why I want everything to end. One of the biggest reasons is that I can't stand what I have become. I hate the person I see in the mornings in the mirror.

I have tried to get some sleep today, but I still keep on thinking about Raoul. I would have liked him coming to the hospital, unannounced like he did the time I moved back to the condo. I am fighting these feelings so hard and I am about to drown in self-pity… again… but I will fight it. I will not give in to going back to the doctor. This has to come to an end.

**Sorrow: 4694-048**

Three days have passed. I am still drunk, still hurting and still smoking. I cannot begin to tell you how tired I am of a lot of things. Of all the lies, even my life, but sadly I can't say I am tired of either Raoul or Trithorax. I don't know what to say about them. I miss Tri like crazy. Who am I supposed to talk to now? I have no one to complain to, no one to confide in, and no one to have passionate sex with… I don't care if I would be the receiver. Well, it's too little too late to think about that now. I have already blown my chances with Raoul and hell, I have blown my chances with both of them when I spat Raoul in the face. I regret it so much, but each time I decide to call him my fingers just freeze over the communicator and I can't bring myself to tap in his number.

Yesterday I was so depressed I took twice the amount of antidepressants as I was prescribed. It knocked me out completely. I was just watching the TV with apathy and couldn't react to anything that was shown. I just stared into the void and may have seemed to be in a near vegetative state, but at least my brain wasn't occupied with the pain and the stupidity that had led to this; smoking since the early teenage years.

sighing-sighing-sighing-sighing

It's not fair. Raoul can smoke a cigarette now and then, but he never gets hooked on it. I never smell tobacco on his clothes even when he has been smoking. I don't know how he does that, but it could be that my senses are so numb that I can't feel anything on others. Oh God, I have to find something to do. I hate solitude. I chose it to be this way and now I can't stand it… I am really going mad.

I took a shower. First one in three days. Funny, I don't feel any cleaner. I wish I could clean out my insides and just make everything all right again. Sure they can restore my body, but in contrast to Aethelric, I will remain the same and that is my greatest fear. That's not an option. I have to clear my head of thoughts and see how I can possibly structure up the remainder of my life. It's no longer about Raoul, Aethelric, Henrick or the Pets… I want to know myself. I want to know who I am, Artemisia. When did I become this infidel?

You can never guess where my daytime walk ended, Artemisia. Yes, I went to the cemetery. I bought with me some take way and sat down on the bench. I was shaking like a life when I stood near the gates to the cemetery. Unsure if I should or could enter, but my mind acted without my consent and my legs started carrying me towards 'our' bench. I sat down and remained there for hours. As the afternoon winds awoke I found it due time to leave, but I remained there for about half an hour more. Hoping, waiting and longing. When I finally decided to leave it was almost evening. As I stepped through the gates and crossed the busy road, my eyes instinctively caught a man jogging on the opposite side of the street. He was a fast runner and I just remained there admiring the pace he had. He must have run a long way for his back was entirely soaked with sweat, yet he kept on running. His head was covered with a hood, shading his face, and just as I suspected he entered the cemetery. It was Trithorax and my heart started pounding with such joy. I ran after him, but my lungs prevented me from reaching him. Maybe it wasn't mean to be so. I stopped behind a tree and watched Raoul as he sat down on the bench where I had just been; I hoped he was waiting for me but I was too cowardly to go to him. After a while he stood up and walked up to the nameless headstone and arranged the roses that had been blown over by the wind. That moment brought so much sadness into my soul. Why wasn't he coming to me? Why was he going to Aethelric? I wanted to shout for him to come to me, but I gave my impulse another thought and decided to go home instead. I was boiling with anger the entire way back to the condo; angry at myself.

Why the hell didn't he turn to me? Why can't he just hold on to me like that time he did when Dr Hannoh died? Why couldn't he breathe into my sweater so that I could feel his heat close to me? You know, I haven't worn that sweater since that day, yet it was the first thing I took out of the closet when I got home. I buried my face in it; inhaling deeply and hoping to find remnants of him in there. I still have it in my lap underneath your heated processor and hugging it like a deranged lunatic. By the grace of Jupiter I miss them so much. I miss Trithorax so much. I miss Raoul so much it's driving me crazy.

I need to open another vial of antidepressants and go to sleep. I will see you tomorrow. That I am sure of… I aint going yet, darling.


	51. The man at the morgue

HALLOWEEN UPDATE. DARKNESS IS COMING...

**Over and over: 4694-049**

I am off duty and so I have all the time in the world, for the remaining part of my short life, to catch up on the little details I missed along the way. I spent my whole day going through my conversations with Raoul and Trithorax and to see what kinds of things he had said that should've ignited some sort of warning in my head. I found loads, but I guess from a frog's perspective you can't see the forest for all the trees. Now, that I can view things more from a bird's perspective, it's so clear. It angers me, but also seeds so much confusion.

The farthest I can go back in this case is to the first time I ran into X-breed. It was when I had the most problems with creating that script for Raoul's company and thinking back, it was rather 'convenient' to run into him when I needed alternative solutions. I did write even 'A piece of cake thanks to X-breed'. Oh, yes a piece of cake, especially since I did write; 'He has been helping me out day and night with this program. I got to know him pretty good too. He took on this little project with me for he likes the challenge he says; I also promised him 20% of the money I get for this'. Unfortunately, I didn't know X-breed at all at that time. And as stupid as I was I mentioned the chat site for Raoul and of course quite conveniently Trithorax appeared shortly thereafter. Too conveniently, really.

I can see clearly now all the thoughts he implanted into my head. After all if it hadn't been for Trithorax, I wouldn't have taken any notice of the degenerate nature of Black Market. I had no wish or thoughts to return to it and thus, I wouldn't have found out anything about the blue bunny, Aethelric, the Pets at Deben or all the players around this whole affair. I am looking through my own diary and I am still confused.

I see Trithorax's presentation of himself and I find the Arcos cemetery being mentioned. Well, who could have known at that time, but it does fit into the picture. In that same chapter I also wrote some thoughts about Raoul's line of work. 'Raoul has niched himself into some exotic disease with a deadly outcome. It is apparently something that is genetically present at birth, but its onset is about at the age of three to five years in a person's life and the first symptoms are tumors in the eyes. I don't know what the heck that disease could be but he is apparently trying to find out the mechanisms behind it. Not that Raoul has ever been interested in mongrels, let alone KIDS – I think he would get a nasty rash near one of them – but I think he takes it as a challenge to see if he can unravel the puzzle before anyone else does.'

Oh yes, Katze, it was right there and you didn't see it. Of course I knew that Raoul was doing something illegal when he installed the receiver for the beacon, but I guess I didn't care. I read things I wrote in the past and I see how frustrated I was; my feelings were like a rollercoaster between Raoul and Trithorax. Raoul was so adorable at times, but seconds later I could hate him so much. Just like when he harassed me. He turned me on like crazy with those dirty little words he said to me;

"I want you, Katze." Raoul whispered. "To feel your body next to mine…"  
A kiss on my earlobe broke through the borders of decency and sent a focus of heat straight to my maimed groin.  
"To taste your skin…"  
A kiss on the curve of my ear.  
"To taste your sweat…"  
A kiss on my temple.  
"To taste your kisses…"  
Lips tracing down my cheeks and searching for my mouth, but only to evade a fumbling attempt from me to catch him. Anger flared up inside me but I was helplessly caught by his charm, Artemisia. I couldn't pull away!  
His hands were burning my skin wherever they brushed against my body; my hands, my neck, my face… it felt like he was consuming me alive. I couldn't breathe of this paralyzing web he exuded through his closeness.  
"To taste your…" He leaned ever so close to my ear, "creamy, salty come, in my mouth."

And the next second he threw me up against the wall threatening me not to take up my old business as a Pet dealer or he would break me. That very same night I spoke to Trithorax and I was falling in love again. Over and over… some people can go nuts for less. Why was he playing with me like that? But I do have to admit, he took me by storm. He seemed so sweet. And I was just thinking that all the things I revealed through my time with Trithorax must have really troubled Raoul. I wonder why he forgave me. I have taken a few things Thrithorax had said and kept it in my heart;

"For what it's worth, you make ME wanna be a better person… and I admire your endurance despite the fact that everything crumbles around you. I wish I could be like you. I really do."

I wonder if it was Raoul or Trithorax speaking. Which one of them wanted to be a better person? Who cares, this is not about me. I need some way to put the picture together. Why was I pulled into this? Why did Raoul want me involved in this? I need to find the truth. I know I asked myself once in case it could be so that it was in fact Raoul who was the beacon and not the other way around. I know X-breed mentioned that someone had tuned into his frequency twice under a short period of time. Who could that have been? And from the Honey District?

Speaking of Ceres, I went through some of the talks I have written about at Papa's office and I have stumbled over our discussions about Hazall. I totally forgot about that. I noticed Papa Downs had mentioned that it seems thought as if Hazall had taken up contact with Raoul to get into the Pet trading business. That Hazall would do such a thing is not entirely impossible to imagine, but Raoul? I doubt Raoul would ever want to have anything to do with Hazall. He hated Hazall more than anything and tried to warn Iason about collaboration with the old man. He would never work together with Hazall, besides both Papa and Carr were right about the involvement of Dr Hannoh.

I have to laugh; at one place in my diary I wrote "I can see a liar even when I am blindfolded." What a big joke. I was played by the two people closest to me and I couldn't even see the truth in that.

I've been going through the diary over and over and I can't seem to get everything straight. Maybe I need to contact Papa or Carr. I don't know who to trust anymore.

* * *

**The man at the morgue: 4694-051**

I was downtown today to find Carr. I know he hates it when people like me look him up t his work place since a lot of what he does is undercover work. However, I have no time to play games and take others into consideration. MY time is running out, they have all the time in the world to build a new case if one gets ruined. I stepped into the grand edifice of the Jupiter's Police force and at the reception, after having my entire body scanned right on through, I asked to see the leading investigator behind the Deben tragedy.

Carr Novat Andersen, nice name for an awkward guy, was apparently not at his desk at the moment, but I was asked to remain in the waiting room until he picked me up. And since when do I do as people tell me, Artemisia. Has the news about my terminal disease stopped me from smoking? No. So why should the rehearsed prattle of a nail-polishing receptionist be of any value to me? So, I strolled along the corridors and came across the signs pointing towards the forensic pathologist. I came to remember that the girl I shot had apparently been working there and thus I came to the conclusion that perhaps someone could tell me more about her.

The security was overwhelming and there loads of doors having to pass by before I could reach the section for forensic science. When a guard approached me, I pretended to be devastated and played the part of a nervous wreck, which at this time is not that much of an effort. I told the man I had been sent this way to identifying a friend who has been missing for quite sometime, and a dead body found a few days ago resembled the description I left earlier. So now, I was asked to verify if the dead body was my friend or not.

This gentle giant patted me on the back and said with a large sigh; "Yeah I get many of you lost boys hanging around these corridors and I always have to do the same thing… direct you to the right path."

He let me through the security door and had me seated in a waiting room much, much smaller than the previous one near the reception. After a short while an elderly gentleman in his sixties greeted me with the kindest, yet worn smile I've ever seen. He was a humble man, I could read that in his face, but the images of death have left their mark on his features. He looked as if he carried the burdens of the world on his shoulders.

"What can I help you with?" He asked and before I could answer the guard told the pathologist why I was there and disappeared with a; "I shall leave you two to it."

"Come with me." the pathologist said and I obeyed without hesitation. At first I was hesitant to step inside the autopsy room, but as I entered I was amazed by the brightness inside. I had always thought it was dark and gloomy, but it was quite the contrary. It was bright and everything had a white color or a metallic shine. In the middle of the vast area there were eight autopsy tables, fully equipped with all one can imagine for the identification of a body and solve the puzzles surrounding death. I looked at the shiny, metallic tables as we passed them by and I knew I would be resting on one of them very soon. I had to stop and feel it.

The pathologist turned as I lagged behind and asked very kindly.

"Have you ever seen a dead body before?"

I nodded, still hypnotized by the shiny surface of the autopsy table. The pathologist then turned away walking, but this time redirected me to a vast corner of the room where a body had recently arrived and just waited to have its story told.

"I was just about to talk to this fella' when the guard told me you had come for an ID."

The stretcher on which the body was resting was but a hovering disk of a light metal neatly attached to a slit in the wall like a shelf. When the pathologist tapped in some code on the control unit on the side or the stretcher, it gently detached form the wall and hovered over to the nearest autopsy table where it merged with its surface. With a swift movement the cloth was removed from the body and a little angel appeared before me. A young lad in his early teenage years, badly beaten and bruised all over.

"Gang rivalry." the pathologist said. "He had his whole life ahead of him, this pretty little thing. Think all he could have become… an architect, an artist, perhaps a scientist, or maybe a social worker. I don't know. What do you think?"

I knew it was against practice, common sense and regulations, but I couldn't help myself from touching the wax-like face of that young boy. He was so cold and felt so unreal, yet I could see the network of veins that had once carried so much life through that tiny body. A lock from his black hair was coiling over his grayish green forehead and I took it upon me as a firm duty to bring out his pretty face. His skin was already sweating tiny pearls of fluid pressing from within. It carried a horrendous putrid smell, but it was still faint enough to allow for the choking smell of something that resembled flowers break through. I knew the flowery scent came from some complex mixtures of alcohols that were volatile enough to escape the barrier of skin and thus, touching that stale body was not as appalling as I once thought.

"He looks so peaceful." I said and watched carefully as the elderly man positioned the body as if wanted to make sure the boy was comfortable. I wonder, how can someone living be so devoted to the dead?

"You are coming here quite soon as well, aren't you?"

The question slithered into my head like a scalpel cuts through flesh and I lifted my gaze to watch the pathologist. I think he saw something in my face for he nodded silently and encouraged me with a smile. I couldn't answer him by words for the truth was choking me. Instead I placed one hand on my chest and patted the dying cavity.

"I see." He nodded with a sigh; eyes exuding sincere compassion. And at that moment I knew this man was completely devoid of all the bad things we others bathed in everyday. He saw the consequences of our actions yet he remained full of hope and sympathy.

I think my subsequent request must have come as quite a surprise, but he just smiled at me agreeing that when my time has come, HE will be the only one gaining access to my body to perform the mandatory autopsy. It had to be done on every citizen.

"Let me write down your name." He said and took out his electronic notebook. "First name?"

"Katze. K.A.T.Z.E."

"Surname?"

I was about to give him my last name, when the words stumbled in my mouth and I couldn't speak. I was going to be buried under a name that has long been forgotten because I hardly knew my mother, had no family and no ties to anyone from my blood-line. I wanted to belong. I wanted to belong to someone's family. I didn't want to die without an anchor to this world and thus I simply said; "Am. Katze Am."

I heard my new name being repeated by a stranger and it brought a smile to my lips; "Katze Am." In that instance, my fear of death vanished and I was no longer wondering what it would be like to lie on one of those metal tables and having all those gadgets and devices staring down at me, emitting every possible light and frequency to scan, reveal and project my surface as well as my insides. At first the thought was daunting, but I had found peace within.

I am going to stroll down the valley of Death with a smile on my face, Artemisia, for I have finally found my identity. From that moment on, it was so easy to ask all the questions I wanted. Nothing scared me anymore.

Finally he asked; "Now, tell me why you are really here."

I jumped right into the flames as I brought up the subject about the assassination of Dr Hannoh and the girl, the assassin, who had apparently been an employee here.

The pathologist sighed and nodded at me with a peculiar expression of doubt in his face.

"That is a confusing case, my friend. Why would you want to know anything about that?"

I asked him to clarify what he meant about this being a confusing case and he opened up in little bits as we walked through the facility. We took a cup of coffee from a machine near to his office and enjoyed it over the most disturbing discussion I had in a long time. He explained.

"I managed to get some intact tissue form the depth of the bones, but most of it was charred beyond usage. The heat must have been tremendous."

"It was." I added swiftly and without thinking so I had to explain to him I had been trying to protect my boss and I was the reason to why he had survived.

"He should be very thankful." The pathologist said, but as I shook my head, he left the subject and continued. "Well, I made a full analysis of the little tissue I had and imagine to my surprise when I found her genetic set already in the system."

"Yes." I intervened. "I heard she had a twin called Kellie. She was found in the Deben harbor a while back."

"Twin?!" He almost choked on his coffee. "No, no… not a twin, but you are right about the body from the Deben harbor."

I had to ask him why he doubted the girls were twins. Supposedly that is what had upset Amanda, but his reasoning made sense.

"Well, I have been working with Amanda for five years and she had never mentioned anything about a family member. I would suppose if her sister meant so much that she would actually kill for her, then she should have mentioned it, don't you think? Besides, they were far too alike."

"What do you mean, sir?"

"Well, granted that twins are alike but this was really odd. You see, Katze, homozygous twins are from the same egg and sperm and sure they have basically the same set of genes, but even so, through time mutations and epigenetic changes occur. This hasn't happened here. Either they ate, slept, worked, and did every single thing together at all times, or… we are looking at something far more interesting here."

"Like what?" He had my fullest attention and the coffee rested in my clasped hands as if it had been a part of my body.

"These two girls didn't look anything like twins to me, they were more like clones… and even so. One of the clones must have been created not long ago."

"What makes you say that?" Coffee still in my hands, slightly trembling now.

"Because, neither the original person nor the clone has contracted any major changes to the DNA that could tell them apart. To me it seems like someone created one of these girls less than ten years ago and accelerated the clone to the same age as the original copy. I also found something alarming."

The hot coffee spilled over my fingers and called for my attention. Whilst I was cooling my fingers in my mouth by licking off the coffee, I asked for the pathologist to tell me all he knew and found. He leaned closer to me and spoke with a lower tone as I he was afraid to be overheard.

"I have found a special tag on the end Telomeric sequences. Only Blondies that are created by Jupiter have a genetic tag, but this kid was of true mongrel origin and the tag was not any of Jupiter's sequences. Apart from that there were also some unknown bases there that I had never seen before. I don't even think they were human. I also found traces of some drug I couldn't identify in the body of the Deben girl."

I didn't know how to respond to that, Artemisia. I was stunned and muted by my own confusing thoughts. I had no idea what to make out of this information. I went through all the things I had read about in Raoul's documents and came to think of some epigenetic abbreviations I didn't understand and thus I asked him about TrxG and PcG. Oh, it seems my nightmares never seem to end.

"PcG stands for Polycomb and is a group of proteins that induce the condensation of DNA so that the information cannot be read, whereas TrxG stands for a group of proteins called Trithorax and actually work antagonistically on Polycomb. Trithorax opens up the DNA so that the information on it can be read. It is quite a complex balance and Trithorax is the most sensitive of the two. It even reacts on environmental influence like physical contact, kindness and such. That is when nurture intertwines with nature. Trithorax and Polycomb are one of the most important key players in embryonic development."

"W-what?" I stuttered. The pathologist explained it to me in other words, but it wasn't the concept as such that baffled me, but rather yet another key piece of evidence of just how well Raoul had played me. How much information I had been given and missed it all. "Doctor," I interrupted him at sometime. "If I have any more questions regarding these matters can I call you?"

He told me he would rather not talk too much about his findings, but I managed to subdue his aversion and nervousness. I promised to keep it all confidential and that the communication would only be between me and him. Finally, he agreed and I left the place with his contact information. As I stepped out of his office he said with regards to my sickness; "You know it's not too late yet to fix the damage. Give it another thought, Katze. You are so young."

I promised I would give it another thought, but deep inside I had already made up my mind. So yes, Artemisia, you will be inherited by someone else with all your secrets.


	52. Desperation

I HOPE YOU GUYS WILL ENJOY. I HAVE BEEN KINDLY ASKED TO UPDATE AND SO... HERE IT IS.

**Desperate call: 4694-052**

I have logged on to the old site where I met Trithorax for the first time. It is completely dead. I don't know if anyone is using this site anymore, but I am desperate and I must find the truth or I'll go mad. It doesn't matter what happens to me now, my future is already clear, but I really wouldn't want to leave without the truth. I was as bold as to actually post a question on the site and smacked it right up for ever person logging on to see it. I don't know what consequences this will have but I know someone will be able to spot it and write back to me. I know they will if the message is threatening enough.  
I have come to structure up at least in part of what has happened, but I can't see the entire picture and so, I have posted the following;

_"To whom this may concern,_

_There is a chain of events linking Lord Raoul Am to the event in Deben, but the evidence so far is only circumstantial. I suspect that there is foul play involved on a higher political level. If you have any information, send me a PM. I know you are out there… I will go father than this if I have to dig the truth up._

_Going through past experience I know that the Black Market has been plagued by fierce competition for there is a lot of money to be gained in trading Pets and investing in brothels. I used to be a leading character behind many cargos being traded on and off the Amoi, and people on high political grounds have always been interested in lapping up some of the profits to be gained from it. I know this for my former employer Lord Iason Mink has been of great support for me during the building up process and expansion of the Black Market. We had expanded it to reach to and from other worlds and it was a prosperous business plan until his death._

_Leaving this market has left a black hole that needed to be filled and competition has lead to this exploitation of young mongrel females for a more exquisite demand for Pets. I have no doubts that current investors, hungry to take over the facility of the Biomedical Center are involved in this abuse and it will continue now that they are in possession of one of the most advanced research centers in this solar system._

_I have through various contacts been given names of players involved in the hostile takeover of the Biomedical Center. I will send the names and the people responsible for the deaths of numerous young Pets from Amoi and neighboring planets to the Supreme Court and Jupiter and have the perpetrators put before justice. You have two days to comply._

_BlueBunny"  
_

Back again, Artemisia. I saw the evening news a few minutes ago, which was actually quite alarming. Due to yesterday's hearing at court with Raoul admitting to be involved in these events, the Biomedical Center has lost its foothold and the stocks were crashing. But they were not released to the public. The public is seldom allowed to have anything to do with wealthy companies, only those who have the money to influence it to advance. Also having too many investors with too many opinions is a potential weakness if disagreements occur. I guess that is what Hazall must have thought when he announced he would buy sixty percent of the Biomedical Center. I can't believe this. I really do hope for an answer to all of this. Right now the whole collaboration between Raoul and Hazall makes sense. Raoul drives the company into the dirt and gains a wealthy investor who picks it up from the ruins, and the gains access to the facility to be able to produce these Blondie Pets off the conveyor belt – figuratively speaking. Could this whole affair be so sinister? I know my letter will cause a stir. I just don't know when and where.

I really don't want to leave without the truth.

* * *

**Reconciliation: 4694-056**

I have spent a few days at Raoul's place. I had such problems being alone these past days after my visit to the morgue that I totally broke down. I kept on thinking about Raoul, my short future, the truth and my new name Katze Am. New but unofficial. I was longing so much to be touched and to have an opportunity to reconcile that two days ago I found myself standing outside his door, but I was afraid to call for him and was battling with my though about leaving… or rather, to run away as I've always done. I thought of how I used to pride myself on being impossible to quench and break. No one could ever beg for and receive my mercy, and now I was standing near the abyss on my knees about to beg for forgiveness and for mercy from the only person who mattered to me.

Priding myself on being the rigid bastard that I had always been, without realizing that it was just that, which was most rigid, that often broke. Other people were more dynamic than that. They could forgive and they could forget. They could live, whereas I was restricting myself to the stupidities that had lead me down the path of loneliness, which I thought was my most comfortable outpost. But I was fooling myself. I was alone and had no one to share anything with, neither intimacy nor boredom. I realized I used to fool myself by saying; "It comes with the job".

Well, it had come to the point where I was standing at the door, ready to knock on it, but was defeated by second thoughts. Why should I do this? All of a sudden, my good old pal Pride, was tapping on my shoulder and whispering words of self-delusion in my ears. No, I didn't need Raoul, I had never needed anyone, and thus I decided to leave. It took no more than a few staggering steps from the porch, before the concept of my foolishness struck me with force. It brought me straight back to the white door… and now, I dared to knock. Raoul it opened and for a while we both just stood there, staring at each other.

"Hi Raoul."

He said nothing, just looked at me with stiff resignation. I continued.

"I am sorry about the other day."

"Is that all?" He snorted.

He refused to look at me and though I tried to make eye contact, he found a spot way above my head to focus on. I repeated the words that I had never spoken to anyone before… and genuinely meant them.

"I am sorry, Raoul. Please, listen to me…"

He rolled his eyes and was about to close the door, but I prevented him by placing my hand on the controller with a slam. I began shouting.

"Look at me!"

I tried desperately to catch his beautiful gaze, but he was so evasive that it drove me mad. Finally, I couldn't stand it and grabbed him by the collar roaring.

"Look at me, damn you! Raoul look at me!"

"Why?" He finally countered viciously. "You have never been sorry your entire life, Katze. We all deserve what's coming. Aren't those your words? You can be a bad-mouthed bastard when you are on your high horse, but you can't even handle the fact of losing yourself for once. Trithorax managed to seduce you because you wanted it. Admit it!"

"Yes! I wanted it! You don't know what it's like to have desires but never to be able to feel a touch."

"I was offering you my affections, Katze. You threw that away! I enjoyed every second I spent in the chat room with you, those times we had sex as Tri or as me. And New Years Eve! By all the Gods, what did I write on that letter Katze?"

My eyes were downcast with shame, but I was forced to respond as Raoul shouted at me like a rabid animal; "What did I write to you!"

And so, I quoted the letter; "Thanks for the best night of my life. Let us hope that the future brings what we love to pretend. Yours, Tri."

"I have never before opened up like that. Not to Aethelric and not to Doh'ra even and I never pretended anything, Katze. I FELT it. It was real! You got to know the REAL me, and you threw me AWAY! Why?"

I said nothing, but bit my lips as I was chastised like a kid.

"Why?" Raoul asked over and over, finally it slipped out of me.

"Because I was AFRAID!"

Dead silence; just Raoul shaking his head with a deep sigh. There I said it.

"We are all afraid sometimes, Katze, but the difference as to whether you are a coward or not lies in facing your fears and not backing away." Raoul muttered scornfully, but he was right and it broke my heart. I was a coward in his eyes. "Am I supposed to feel sorry for you, now that you have finally realized your idiocy? How about all those times you refused to dignify me with a look. Everything I did or didn't do was wrong, there was no pleasing you was there? So what are you doing here?"

"I don't know!" I bellowed in return, as tears began streaming down my face. I was in utter disgrace. I let go of him and he pushed me away as he turned his back to walk inside.

"Go home Katze, and sleep it off."

"I can't Raoul. I wish I could but I can't. I haven't been able to sleep you off for more than a year and it's driving me crazy. You are inescapable to me."

He turned in the doorway.

"What did you say?"

"I said, I fucking can't sleep it off. I wish I could, but each time I close my eyes you are there."

Raoul remained quiet for a long time, trying to measure up the truth in my statement. I think he must have seen something, for he invited me in.

We ate for a long time, but I hardly noticed the taste of the food. We spoke not at all. Only the sound of the cutlery against crockery could be heard, but when the dessert was served and the coffee was steaming from the porcelain cups, he asked for my intentions. I started trembling and stared into the black liquid. Finally, I spoke as I felt.

His emeralds grew wide as I asked in case he could undress and just lay next to me on the floor in front of the fireplace. I didn't want it to be the bed or the sofa – that felt too premeditated. Just the fireplace… just to feel his warmth. Raoul was hesitant, but for the first time I was not capable of holding back what I was feeling. My private torture had been going on for too long and my body was in need of a little nourishment.

"Please, Raoul. You don't have to do anything just lay next to me. I just need to feel some closeness. I need to feel that I am alive. Please, Raoul."

Hearing me beg must have been a new event for the Blondie. I had never done that before, but the burden of my own stubbornness had finally cracked me. Raoul returned a compassionate look and agreed with a sigh. He left to his room to undress, during which I smoked a few cigarettes. He took his time and I was beginning to give in to my Pride again. I refused to answer any of my doubtful questions that swirled in my head and I tried desperately to avoid confronting them – but I didn't have to. For as Raoul returned with pillows in his arms and a faint smile, I knew I had done the right thing.

I stood up and approach him slowly. It was almost as if he was something angelic from another world or maybe even deity. I took the pillows from him and placed them on the floor.

It was almost as if time stood still whilst I loosened the belt around his waist and slowly peeled the thin dressing gown off his body. He smelled so good. I leaned closer, and my lips were almost touching his skin as I stepped up behind him and pulled the fabric off his shoulders. It dropped like a silk veil onto the floor, leaving his body exposed to the glow from the fireplace and for me to indulge in his beauty. I could feel his skin come live with goose bumps as I explored the velvet scapula, the V-shaped, masculine back as it narrowed at the slim waist, and the lovely arch above the firm buttocks. The solid flesh of his bottom filled my palms as I gently cupped my hands over it, his skin so cool and soft. I felt my stomach quiver with anticipation although I knew I had to hold back; I had promised not to do anything. No expectations and no demands.

I circled around to face him and fumbling with my fingers to make that innocent contact my lips envied and wanted, but which I couldn't grant. With my fingertips, I traced the strong forearms towards the elbows; from there I followed the curve over his swelling biceps towards the shoulders and the neck. My hands had their own will and examined every delicious line on his jaws, his lips, and his forehead as I brushed the fringe aside and arranged it behind his ears. His silky hair held a delicate and captivating aroma. I inhaled his scent audibly, and as I exhaled, my own breath bounced back from his skin carrying more of his exquisite fragrance to my face. He kept his marvelous emeralds on me and I felt like I was being showered with blessings. It was like following the sun; warm and soothing. My fingers found their way down his throat and collarbone until my palms rested against his chest. I stood there, just savoring the powerful pounding of his heart as it hammered against the ribs from within. Each beat was so full of life and energy.

My hands were starting to tremble and I had to remove them in shame. The back of my fingers glided gingerly over his flat stomach and stopped to circle the navel a few times before continuing further down. Although he hardly had any body hair, a soft trail of silky down guided my fingers towards his flaccid member. I didn't dare to touch him; I swallowed hard and removed my hands. My eyes merged with his as I lifted my head. I could hardly see Raoul behind the tears; he was like a visage of something surreal, but I was emptied of my feistiness and I couldn't fight the emotions escaping me. Artemisia, I was such a disgrace; mostly to myself. My hands had completed a wonderful voyage over his splendid body and completed a circle as they found his hands once again. I guided the towering Blondie to lie down in front of the fireplace and after removing my clothes, I lay down next to him. His body was warm, but he seemed ever so distant – as if he'd rather be anywhere else but with me. I felt like the dirty mongrel I was born to be as I lay next to him, but it was a hunger far too overpowering for me to control. I snuggled close and held him tight. I don't know for how long I kept on shivering next to him before I felt an arm pulling me close. Then it all burst out of me and the feisty wildcat was tamed.

My tears washed over his torso and trickled down his skin, leaving a glossy trail over his body. He held me close and said nothing, just ran his fingers comfortingly along my back. It was a moment to remember. I bet he must have found me very skinny as he could feel every vertebra in my spine and every rib from my side protrude through the pale, grayish skin. The cigarettes have left their mark on my body; starving and entangling it in craving, tarnishing my lungs and poisoning my blood. It all showed on the surface and laying next to him, it was frighteningly evident how much my body had deteriorated due to this habit of mine. I decided to stop – he made me stop – Raoul made me stop.

Funny; cats and dogs have always been said to be mortal enemies…yet, I couldn't find a better place to be at the moment. He had stolen my heart.  
We lay there for hours on. The night was so peaceful and serene. I was so happy for this brief moment of affection that Raoul directed at me. I wished for the time to stop, for the flames as the fireplace to just freeze and we would lay here for the rest of time. Even if we turned into stone, not even the hands of time would be able to erode the bliss from my expression.

Raoul was lying on his back sleeping. I, on the other hand, lay on his naked body, using his stomach as a pillow, facing his hips. The fireplace gave off a lot of heat and although we were naked, neither of us froze.

You know Artemisia, scientists say that a healthy male gets an erection about twenty times a night during different stages of sleep. And I have to admit it was one of the cutest moments in my life. *laughing* He looks good, even down there; damn good. I listened to the whining and rumbling of his stomach as it was working on digesting dinner, felt the way he lifted my heavy head with each breath, and I watched as the flaccid member lay tired and lazy slightly to the left, pointing towards his thighs. It was retracted and hidden in that pale skin. I can't even remember what mine used to look like, but I gather it wasn't so much unlike his. As his body submerged in deep sleep, the obnoxious little rascal came to life and within a few minutes he was staring at me, throbbing and twitching with each heartbeat. It was almost as if he was inviting me without Raoul's consent; a little adulterous teaser with his own will. I smiled back at that cheeky scoundrel, and just before I closed my eyes, I saw him retracting and lowering his cocky head, hiding it again.

I only closed my eyes for a few minutes but when I opened them again, he was there… staring at me. Persistent and cheeky, just like his master. I started giggling, but restrained myself not to awaken Raoul. I lifted my head to see if I had disturbed him, but as I saw one hand resting near his face and the other lowered along his side, I knew he was still in deep sleep. I moved my head closer to his hips, resting a bit further down from where I could smell him too. I love his smell. It's so fresh and clear, like crisp morning air, but with a hint of something pleasantly organic… something spicy. I moved my head a little as that debauched, yet sweet villain reached towards me again. I smiled at it and he twitched back at me. We were having a conversation until I could no longer withstand the urge to have innocent contact; just to get acquainted with him even if through a slight nuzzle. He felt so smooth and my gentle teasing, made him stretch a little more. As I felt my tongue getting restless and pressing against the back of my teeth in a plea to open my mouth, I withdrew and looked down on myself.

There was nothing but emptiness there, but I could feel those little remnants, left behind by an incomplete penectomy, come to life again. Those remnants, as well as the scar tissue, were still very sensitive to a touch and have granted me pleasure more than once when rubbed in a specific way. Yes, I can still feel the pleasures of release, but as I looked at Raoul's pulsating erection, I wanted more. I am being honest to you, Artemisia. I want to feel that again. I want to be able to take again. I want to take Raoul.

As I was flirting with his member, Raoul woke up, noticing he could feel my breath on his most precious organ. I jolted a little as he placed his hand on my head and ran his fingers through my hair. He assured me that everything was all right, and that I don't need to move unless I want to. No, I didn't want to move from that place. Not if I would have listened to my heart, but as you know me, Artemisia, I sat up – away from his enchanting member, away from his touch – and tried to find a suitable getaway.

"It's fine." I mumbled like a fool, although it wasn't fine at all. I did all that I didn't want to – I scurried away from him. Again! "I have to go and take a shower anyway."

"Me too." Raoul said with a sigh and added that some parts of his body had been neglected more than others and ran his finger over his smooth skin looking for some soft down to pinch. As I saw it, he had no pubic hair to even mention, but he still insisted he needed to "look after it".

So why don't I try to shave it all off? Me?! The question just blew my mind and I must have seemed rather amusing as I remained gawking and blinking for what seemed an eternity. Well, I don't want to shave, for then the scars and those tiny rudiments, the leftovers that even I hated to see, would be visible to others. I didn't say that to him, but it was the truth.

"Come with me, Katze." He said. I should have listened to my sixth sense there, but I chose not to. The next minute I was fighting my shame as I sat on the edge of the bathtub with legs spread wide and Raoul approaching me with a regular and an electric razor. I still don't know how he managed to subdue me into that proposal. Well, yes I do, Artemisia. I let myself be subdued, for I wanted it. I wanted his hands on me; just doing whatever they felt like doing.

The tub was generous in size and was designed as an oblong hollow in the floor. I could sit comfortably whilst exposing my mutilated genitals to Raoul's amusement. My heart was pounding so hard I feared he might hear it and make fun of me for being so scared; but Raoul didn't seem to pay any attention to my face. He only cared about attending that part of me, which has been hidden for a long time.

He placed his hands gently over my crotch, feeling the damaged area to palpate the topography of my remnant flesh to avoid hurting me. His fingertips tickled their way over the scarred tissue, but the layer of hair between his finger and my skin dampened the feeling of pleasantness. Still, I enjoyed it. I looked at Raoul's pretty face and noticed how focused he was; it made me smile. After properly examining the twists and turns of my physique, the electric razor came alive with a soft buzz. I closed my eyes and leaned back. The vibrations made me steal a sudden intake of breath that caught his attention.

"It is unpleasant?" He had removed the device and I shook my head. I was so surprised that it was so stimulating. I haven't felt anything like that before and so, he continued gently arousing me with his touch. He was very careful around those tiny beads of erectile tissue that still remained under my skin. I could feel them growing the longer the vibrations stimulated me and I knew that if those vibrations could be generated at the right place and just a little stronger, I would be able to climax. I wanted it so badly, but I said nothing. My legs remained spread and my mind submerged in illicit thoughts. I completely lost my will and gave Raoul complete access to play. The razor moved across my genitals as well as my groin. I felt the way the only complete part of my manhood rested heavily in his palms as the metallic edge of the shaver cleared it from that curly, red mesh. A few times he stopped and smiled, and patiently waited for the skin to relax again to expose the follicles. During all this time, Raoul said nothing more than occasional instructions for me to lift my legs for him to gain access to my bottom. I guess nothing else had to be said. The moment was so serene and probably the most erotic thing I've ever experienced. I wanted it to last forever.

When the buzzing stopped, I lifted my head. He was so focused that he didn't even notice me staring at him. He had collected most of his long hair on one side. I smiled as it occurred to me how radically it changed his appearance. That characteristic fringe, usually parted in the middle, was arranged to the right and made him look far more childish than I ever had recognized. That delicate line of his neck, merging with his shoulders and chest was a fascinating display of a beauty that defied logic. Artemisia, I think I fell in love at that moment. I wanted to sit up and embrace him, but with a gentle pressure on my stomach he made me obey and remain on my back. He rinsed my crotch of cut hair with the shower and then added foam.

"Now be very still." He said and I closed my eyes again. I heard the soft rasping as the razor brought about paths of exposed, clear skin. He rinsed the razor and repeated his actions. The rasping continued, but after a dozen or more strokes, it was silent. The warm water washed over my hips, clearing it of foam and hair. I was so disappointed that it was over.

"I'm finished. Smooth as a baby's butt." He said.

I opened my eyes and supported myself on my elbows as I looked in the mirror he held up. I hated and loved what I saw. I loved the smoothness and I loved the way it displayed contours and muscles I've never seen, but I hated the scars and the maimed organ. I wanted to say something, but there was only one thing coming into mind.

"Did you dislike it before?"

Raoul shook his head explaining he had no objections against a "natural state", but he had only done this for it was something new to me. He was curious about the outcome, and at the same time he wanted to know what they had done to me. But he was not appalled by it.

Excitement was still lingering on inside my body. I really tried to kill it, Artemisia, but it's been so long – I couldn't win the battle. I saw Raoul's face lighting up as he caught sight of a drop of clear fluid that seeped through my tiny slit. His eyes searched for confirmation within mine; and by the Gods I granted him that. I didn't want to. I didn't want anyone to gain access to me; not like that. Years in Ceres and my former business had taught me to close my body, but I had lost that talent… or maybe my soul was gaining power over me and started reclaiming what I had denied it through years of trafficking. I wasn't only selling slaves, I had sold my own soul too.

Raoul leaned closer and as his shoulder touched my knees, my legs parted a little more. He came even closer and I placed my feet on his shoulders to direct his body closer to mine. Finally, his lips merged with my skin and his tongue sent me through the high heavens, screaming his name. All that dammed up anguish flowed out of me, leaving me empty and shivering. I must have filled him with salty bitterness. So much anger and lack of release that had been cooped up inside, must have left an unpleasantly foul taste in his mouth. I wasn't surprised when he rejected my seed and wiped his chin with water. For the first time I felt no resentment – at least for a brief moment I was in complete bliss.

To my surprised he asked nothing more of me that evening. I expected him to ask me to turn around and offer something in return for his services, but no! Can you believe that, Artemisia? He asked nothing. He pulled me up from the tub with a smile, caressed my face and left me with a kiss as he disappeared to take a long shower. I kept on thinking about what he had just done to me, and after a short while it occurred to me. Can you find what I am about to say, Artemisia? There was something he hadn't done to me… he hadn't penetrated me at all. Not only by avoiding sex, but he didn't even use his hands. He had completely refrained from being invasive - he had been just a giver. That's something no one had ever done to me. Can you imagine? He was SERVING ME!

I have to stop. My emotions are all crazy. I can't think straight. I miss him and yet I know what dangers are associated with being attached. I have to try to fight this, but I fear this battle is lost before it even begins. Each time I try to find something bad in his persona, I keep on reliving that extraordinary tongue-technique. I feel so lost, Artemisia. I think I love him. I think I love Raoul… I am so, so, so… lost.

I was preparing to get dressed and leave when Raoul stepped out of the shower. I thought he would let me go, but he didn't… and it felt so good. He wanted me to spend the night there and I agreed without a comment. As we lay in bed, I played with that tiny, and very silky down on his chest; it wasn't even worth mentioning as 'hair' for it was merely a slight shadow that could only been in the background lighting of a bedside lamp. Although I was trying to focus on the present moment, my thoughts were constantly interrupted by the numerous questions that only Raoul could answer and so I had to ask.

"Raoul?"

"Mmmm…" His eyes were closed and the noise came from deep inside his chest. It was tingling my ear and made me smile.

"I have something serious to ask you."

"Shoot."

"Can you please tell me the truth behind Trithorax, Dr Hannoh, the Pets at the Deben harbor, Aethelric…"

Raoul groaned with dislike but he didn't entirely dismiss me and so I took the chance to persuade him. I lay on top of his body and placed my hands around his face, making him stare into my expression. I must have looked very sad for I was fighting to hold back the dread of breaking.

"Please, Raoul, don't deny me this. I need to know… please, I need to know."

And so, Artemisia, he told me everything and I will try to summarize as much as I understood.

After Iason had died, the remnants of his and Riki's body had been salvaged. Jupiter knew that she could regenerate the body, clone him if you will, but his soul would not remain the same. Iason has served as a powerful balance to the power play between leaders as well as vultures among the wealthy, and he had aimed to change the laws regarding the restricted identity of the lowest cast. Only days before he died had he reached a truce with Jupiter regarding the matter and in return Iason would serve to 'tame' and convince the masses of accepting Jupiter and thereby extending her power to all levels of the society, hopefully preventing future conflicts. But when Iason died, the agreement was broken and the foundation of power was shaken. Just as trafficking lords took over the business after me, there was a huge gap after Iason that was left, creating a dangerous hunger for power amongst other Blondies as well as important people of power from other worlds.

Amoi was without a leader for Raoul had refused to take his role as second in command. Of course, whilst the resurrection could be done, Raoul had to be one of the main characters. However, he had no chance to be the Syndicate boss and conduct the research in full bloom; there was simply no time or possibility to do the two jobs with full dedication. Thus, Raoul remained in the background of the current Syndicate leader, supporting and advising, whilst trying to find a way to fulfill Jupiter's wish.

Jupiter knew that the research project could be done, for many years ago, before the generation of Raoul and Iason, Dr Hannoh had conducted a series of projects, which dealt with the mapping and understanding the functionality of the DNA sequence of a species called Borjian. As I understand it, the Borjian species have a complex genetic set up with more than six base pairs (what the pathologist most likely found) as their building blocks. They also have selective telomeric activity that elongates the DNA over life, imprinting memories throughout a lifetime. As Blondies serve Jupiter to better and further evolve her creations, all following generation of Blondies were given this additional tag on their chromosomes; the Jupiter tags. These were, however, not only containing the human homologues of the alien DNA, but many other additions as well to mask the information. Normally only cancer cells (like mine) or embryonic cells have telomeric activity, normal cells do not and that is why they die after a specific number of divisions. The problem with these Borjian telomers when translated to human corresponding elements, was that the sequence was too instable and the first to deteriorate and degrade after death. Hence Iason's and subsequently Riki's bodies were immediately frozen close to the point of absolute zero.

Of course, the Borjian project was revived by Jupiter for a continuation and she placed large amounts of investments in the research to stabilize the tag. Dr Hannoh was flown in from the third quadroon of the galaxy, obviously retired, to help Raoul to find a 'cure'. Four years of tireless research running day and night with more and more complex modeling systems to generate possible candidate drugs were developed. And that's when I came into the picture. They needed an advanced program and I was one of those who could contribute to this. Out of thousands of precursors, a candidate drug was discovered quite recently, but by then the whole project was falling apart due to the untimely death and poaching of Pets.

The breakthrough was to stabilize the sequence and transfer it to a clone that could be the same person with a complete set of memories. Like replacing the mother card in a computer… new shell but all the information is transferred. Raoul and Dr Hannoh found a way to stabilize it through manipulation of the TrxG genes that are epigenetically sensitive to environmental changes. The TrxG genes are stabilized through the drug they called Argonaut.

At first I had no idea how the Pets came into picture, but as Raoul went on, I understood that he had an insatiable desire for revenge. Former collaborator (Lord Jerychio) sold the information to Hazall and together they had taken some of the experiments to new levels; such as Aethelric. But he was mentally unstable and would have deteriorated with time anyway. He was ill and wouldn't last many years as he was genetically fragile. He would have died from organ failure with due time as Jupiter would have never accepted treating him as he was not out of her brood.

Cloned and manufactured Blondies were given memories and were constructed to be docile, but due to the lack of facility and the complexity of Jupiter's genius many of the younglings didn't survive. First they needed to stabilize the DNA and second find suitable mothers who could cope with the artificial life in their womb. It was easiest way to smuggle the Blondies to other planets… Pets were known to give birth and no one would question them. But it was problematic without the right equipment. The only way to get around this was to gain power enough to replace the current staff of research by dragging the name of the Tanagura Biomedical Center to the dirt, making it weak enough for a hostile takeover. Hazall and Jerychio had planned to bring Raoul down with Dr Hannoh for years and now; "…it seems they have found a way. You see, pussycat, it's not only me on trial here. Also Jupiter is in distress for a possible revolution is around the bend if we cannot stop this. If they get their hands on the Argonaut and gain access to the facility, we will be in trouble. They won't have to remain here on Amoi to continue with the research. If they can copy what we have, they could move it to wherever they want and the ruthless poaching of Pets will be unstoppable and in the eyes of those affected, it will all have started on Amoi with Jupiter's say-so. Can you imagine what consequences that will have?"

Raoul explained to me that even Jupiter is on trial here. The documents of her approval of Raoul's experiments can be used as a double-edged sword that would cost millions of lives if wrongly interpreted and he was quite sure that Hazall and Jerychio would not clear the anguish with the truth. I asked why Jupiter couldn't protect that document, but I knew that any electronic signal that has once entered the ether – like the correspondence between Jupiter and Raoul – could be retrieved since the information was never lost, only masked by the debris of so many impulses.

Raoul came to understand why Aethelric was so unreliable and emotionally a wreck, but he still missed him greatly and I understood that I shouldn't ask more about this boy. I came to ask one final question though that gave me a little hope.

"Riki has not been tagged and so his memories won't be re-applied if he gets reconstructed, am I right?"

"That's true." Raoul answered. "If this experiment will ever work and if Jupiter allows it, although I cannot imagine she'd dare to say no to Iason again, then Riki will have no recollection of the past. Perhaps remnants, but mostly nothing."

"Won't it be a curse?"

Raoul held me tight and kissed me; snuggling close whispering in the curve of my neck.

"I don't know, Katze. Perhaps it can be a blessing if he doesn't have to see what pain there was in his past. I would like to start all over at times. Not remembering anything, just seeing the future as a possibility and bright. You know, WE could be his memory. People have awakened from serious illnesses without any recollection of who they are and they still manage to build up a new life. Maybe Riki can do that too… and this time with Iason by his side all the way."

I loved this last thing he said and I was wondering, would there have been a possibility for me to continue with Raoul at my side along the way? For the remainder of the evening we snuggled close and just caressed each other; hugging, kissing and snoozing between films and occasional toilet visits. I was so relaxed and happy that I totally forgot about the troubles of the world.

A last note for today. I decided to be a bit more watchful in terms of things that may serve as information. So guess what; I looked up the word Argoanut and found a link to ancient mythology from the old world. I found out that the ARGONAUTS were those who sailed with Jason as admiral, facing many dangers and several adventures to Colchis, to fetch the Golden Fleece in order to place Jason rightfully on the throne of Iolcus in Thessaly.

Boy, Artemisia, does this sound familiar or what…

*Laughing* Strangely, I feel comfortable about the future, even though I know I won't be a part of it.


	53. Kidnapping

**Kidnapping: 4694-058**

It's evening now. I was awakened by someone talking to me this morning. It was still dark outside. As I was about to make a movement, two people held me down whilst a third one told me to remain calm. They would not hurt me if I kept my mouth shut and so I did. Well, my dear Artemisia, what I found out today was that when you go looking for the Devil, he will find you first.

I was ordered to get dressed and to calmly follow these people outside where a car was waiting for me. I knew this had to do with the letters and since I know I don't have anything to lose anymore, I followed without comment. We rode into the depths of Ceres. It took a long time, but mostly because they were driving in circles and diverting down roads to confuse me. We arrived to an industrial field with abandoned warehouses and repair garages. The lights were scarce and the whole area was under reconstruction, a perfect hide out for groups that are on the opposite side of the law and of course, there were loads of places like this in Ceres.

We got inside one of these warehouses and it was just as I had expected. It was dark with the only source of light coming from the lighting above the table behind which a mean looking person was staring at me. He was sitting in a chair facing me and goons armed to their teeth were surrounding him. I was wondering if they could see anything behind those shades, but I guess they served more purposes than just an intimidating look. Those glasses gave better opportunity to see in the dark and they homed in on me like missiles. I could feel their gazes.

I sat down in the empty chair in front of this man and he handed me a piece of paper; my post from last night that they had printed out.

"That's a dangerous message… Bunny." He said with a deep hiss.

"I had to send it." I replied and folded the paper as I spoke.

"Why?"

"I needed to find the missing pieces of this puzzle and I did get an answer, didn't I?"

"Enlighten us." The man said. I watched his stale complexion and those dark eyes pin me to the chair as I opened up.

"My boss, Raoul Am, is under investigation for being the head behind the Deben tragedy and the manipulation of the genetic composition of females to implant them with Blondie fetuses to export them to slave-owners who want more exquisite Pets."

"Take a depth breath, man… So?" The man asked and assumed a more nonchalant position in his chair, crossing his legs and leaning back comfortably.

"So, I think there is more to this, because with only Raoul being the only player it doesn't make sense." I argued. "He may have the facility and the motive, but that motive would not explain why he would let so many die. It doesn't make sense."

"What motive is that?" The man asked and I was getting tired of his enquiries.

"You should know it." I snorted. "It's people like you who want to bury him. You have been fed with information I sent from his computer and it almost had him killed since you sent a few suicidal morons to bring explosives into the facility. You killed Dr Hannoh and if I hadn't been there I am sure he would have died too."

"Would that've made any difference?" He asked with a shrug as I lit a cigarette and blew the smoke in his face with the same arrogance as that he was radiating.

"Well, whilst I'm still around anyone who wants to get to Raoul has to go through me. I sense that there is something that has been withheld from me and I'm dead set on finding out what. I want to get to the bottom of it and unless you have something intelligent to entertain me with, I'll see you in hell if I find out you had anything to do with Raoul's assassination attempt. Don't fuck with me… I have nothing to lose anymore… not even my life."

Suddenly, I heard someone clapping from a remote area of the building and a little, lady dressed in an elegant red suit, approached me. She was clapping to the rhythm of her high-heeled stilettos that gave her a few extra inches above ground. I then realized that the man behind the table was not the boss I was supposed to talk to. He was but a puppet whilst she was observing the situation, trying to measure up whether it would be worth it for her to step out of the shadows or not.

"That's the kind of answer I am looking for." She said with lean cat-like purr. "That last thing you just said, my dear Katze, makes YOU my new very best friend."

"Who are you, miss?" I asked and watched her take a seat on the table next to me. She just smiled at me and although her face was masked by shadows I did recognize some features as she smiled. I didn't have to ask any further for from behind her back she brought forth my Blue Bunny whilst saying;

"I haven't seen this little rascal in years." She leaned closer so that I could see her face. It was that sweet little girl from the recording.

"Miss Doh'ra?"

She sighed and buried her face in the bunny, inhaling the lingering fragrance of Raoul and commented how his scent still touched the currents within her even though it has been years since they last were close enough to touch.

"He gave it to you?" She asked me and handed it over to me, but before I had the chance to answer she continued. "It was my very first plushy. I had been given dolls and precious gems and jewelry. I was pampered beyond my wildest dreams, but never had a plushy and so, it was worth more to me than diamonds. I loved it. I loved him… I still do. I left it there for him for it was the most precious thing I had."

"You love Raoul?" I asked her with sincerity and placed the bunny on the table so that he could watch me. I cast a glance at the girl as she got off the table and circled behind me. She placed her arms around my neck and I inhaled her sweet fragrance. Miss Doh'ra was indeed a little jewel herself; all a man needs to decorate himself. Her response to my question cleared all my doubts about her and I found an ally in this crazy game. She countered my question with another.

"Don't you, Katze?"

She then took hold of my elbow and gently guided me to follow her. I kept bunny with me as we walked towards a small, secluded room. It was her temporary office I guess. From the light that escaped through the rippled window I could see that there was someone already inside. You can imagine my shock, Artemisia, when I came face to face with X-breed and I immediately knew that this day would be a long day.

A few hours into the conversation I started to understand that there were two groups of people involved in this game; the predators and the even bigger predators. After my disappearance from the market something new had to emerge… and it did… in the shape of a defined little sweetheart with eyes like a doe and a mind like a wolf. Doh'ra had thrown herself into the game at a tender age of eighteen. It was shortly after she met with Raoul that she expressed her wish to be an eater rather then being the consumed one. She was a simple mongrel Pet, but with ambitions that reached far up in the social hierarchy. Raoul's bitterness and coinciding events had given her access to the underground world and she was determined to clean up the thriving weed of society.

Miss Doh'ra told me the most incredible story I've heard in years. I will try to summarize this to you as well as I can. It's funny how the memory sharpens up when you know your time is running out. No more wasting time on boredom; everything happens so fast and with such edge that it almost makes you believe you are invisible and superhuman.

She confirmed what Henrick had told me, that she met him at a gathering and his sadness was so captivating that she could not bear to leave him alone. She had tried numerous ways to catch his attention, but why would a Lord as prominent as the head of Tanagura be interested in a little mongrel female. Of course, Henrick had informed Miss Doh'ra on Raoul's greatest spare time pleasures when the defeated girl decided to give up her questioning and careful approaches. Henrick didn't tell me he was actually the one to show her the way to catch Raoul's interest; that little devil Henrick, he always had a great concern for his Master.

"It took a long time." Miss Doh'ra said dreamingly, twisting her leather chair from side to side as she spoke. "But slowly Raoul opened up. One evening, after winning another game, he walked up to the communicator and just stood there… waiting for something. He usually called for my ride, but this time he was just silent. I walked up to him and asked if something was wrong. I noticed Lord Am had not pressed the call for his chauffeur but rather kept on staring at the device completely absorbed in deep thoughts. Funny." she smiled. "I still remember what incredible impact he had on me when he asked if I wanted to spend the night with him."

Miss Doh'ra started laughing and cast a mischievous glance at me. During all this time, Carr remained silent and just tuned in on our conversation.

"Wow, Katze… wow! That's almost all I can say. I had my Blondie Lord and boy was I fond of that man. Raoul has a little more edge than most others, don't you agree?"

I nodded. Miss Doh'ra told me that the first weeks Raoul just lay close to her; watching her, feeling her skin and just enjoying her company. Never once was he audacious to ask her for favors, but his innocent inquiries about her adventures revealed a profound curiosity of the opposite sex. It was just about then, when I interrupted her and told her that not all female Pets have been as lucky as her; I told her about Mimea and the rumors surrounding her fate.

"Hah." Miss Doh'ra waved it off rolling her eyes. "Is that what you think?"

She got up from the chair sighing and poured herself and me a cup of coffee from a steaming pot on a heater on a nearby coffee table. She handed me the cup of coffee and emphasized harshly; "If Mimea would have been MINE, I would have slit her throat, but Raoul was more considerate than that. I guess, there are things about Blondies after all that makes them superior other than in beauty and strength."

"So what happened then?" I asked sipping on the coffee, and secretly indulging in those curves. I must admit, Artemisia, there is something about girls… too bad they are so few.

"She was sold off to Jenna. Sure, that was punishment enough, for everyone knew what kind of sadist he was. But she only had to endure for a year or so before she was sold off to the next."

When I accused Miss Doh'ra of being very harsh and seemingly heartless she just threw it back at me say; "And what were you like after a few years in this business, my darling? Were you any softer? You see, underneath all these fancy clothes, the appearance and the voice, you and I are very much the same person. Either we choose to be eaten and consumed like hundreds of Pets around us, or…"

"Or we choose to learn the game and play by its rules." I finished.

She raked her fingers through her short, curly hair and took off her red jacket in glamorous movements as she whispered; "That's right, pussycat."

I couldn't stop smiling. I found my confidant in Trithorax and Raoul had his in this little lady.

"So what is going to happen now?" I asked and cast a glance at Carr. He had been indulging in carrot cake and tea, something, which was completely against the picture of the tough guy he was upholding. He kept on being silent.

"Well." Miss Doh'ra sighed. "I'm not happy about the idea of having Raoul destroyed, when he is the only one along with Dr Hannoh who has been trying to stop this whole business."

"If you are trying to stop this, why did you want me to steal the documents from his computer and redirect the information between him and Raoul?"

I nodded towards Carr asking this question, but Miss Doh'ra answered before he had the chance to open his mouth.

"To save the documents form being destroyed once the company was taken over."

"And how did you know it would be taken over?" I asked and this time Carr engaged in the conversation.

"I've been leading this investigation since the first case of discarded Pets appeared, so I have dug up all there was to know about the Black Market and I knew I had to get more involved. We brought down many trafficking lords, but the perpetrators always seemed to be one step ahead. So…" Carr took another bite and moved his chair somewhat closer to mine. "I went under cover and stumbled over Miss Doh'ra. Well, actually it was she who picked me out of bed the very same way you ended up here tonight."

She gave me a smirk adding; "There is nothing more exciting than surprising a man in bed, don't you think?"

"I wouldn't know." I answered and asked what lead them to Raoul.

"Most of the Pets had been registered at his facility and had been under the care of Dr Hannoh." Carr cut in. "However, I was about to make a move when Miss Doh'ra stepped in and gave me vital pieces of evidence I had missed."

"Which was?"

"Well, I never checked up the cargo ships."

"Cargo ships?" I asked, tilting my head like a confused dog.

"Everything was pointing at Lord Am and Dr Hannoh, and the documents of Jupiter's approval of the experiments had been interesting pieces of evidence that could have buried Raoul completely. I figured he wouldn't have been stupid enough to expose them so easily, especially not if they could send the entire company down, but then again most great crimes fall due to lack of proper planning or because people believe they stand above the law. Anyway, the cargo ships in which the Pets were transported were manufactured by Mercurius Inc, which was a smaller branch of Jerychio Industries that had received a large amount of donations from the Federal Government to get back on its feet. Now we didn't think much of this, for if Hazall was responsible for import and export in and out of Amoi, he would need vessels for his cargo. We didn't think much of this until the name of an Aethelric Wei was mentioned in an anonymous email sent to me."

Miss Doh'ra pointed at herself and took a sip out of her coffee, patiently listening to Carr as he filled me in on the details.

"We couldn't track down Aethelric's roots, because he had none, but an old lady by the name of…"

"Miss Kai." I filled in and Carr nodded.

"Yes… she told us about those terrible events and said Aethelric was going to expose something big and mentioned a name…"

"Something that sounded like a palindrome?" I asked.

"Words and screams muffled through walls and doors can sound somewhat differently than when pronounced properly," Carr continued. "She was speaking of Hazall."

"Well, how did you connect Hazall with Jerychio and the Pets?"

I understood that Miss Doh'ra had a great deal of information to add to the investigation for she was the one picking up Raoul when he fell after the death of Aethelric. She was the only one keeping the investigation from going astray and kept the hounds off Raoul's back. I had to know where the investigations had led thus far, for time was running out for Raoul. I wanted him saved.

"I asked Raoul about the name Jerychio." Miss Doh'ra clarified. "And when it turned out that he was a former collaborator with Dr Hannoh, it all made sense, but we couldn't find the evidence for it. We couldn't connect them to the poaching of Pets. Someone had to feed them with the girls, someone from within Ceres who was big within the Black Market.

I started laughing; "And you thought I was that person, just because of my previous work?"

"No, cute tush." Floated from Miss Doh'ra as she placed a hand on mine. "But you are the only one who can make him confess and flush him out."

"Who?" I was confused, but the answer dumbfounded me completely.

"Papa Downs, of course." Carr lit his cigarette as he assumed a comfortable position in his chair.

I thought it was impossible, for they were talking about the man who had taught me how to survive in that jungle. He had always treated me like a son.

"Yes, well guess what will happen when the hostile takeover of the Tanagura Biomedical Centre is complete, my dear pussycat."

Miss Doh'ra presented me with a set of financial documents from the past months regarding the biomedical center. Her laptop was browsing page after page of contracts and dealerships concerning a new branch of research close in the process of being realized. I suddenly became aware that once the leadership of the biomedical center changed and the Hazall would gain power in the political court, the establishment of developing new and more exquisite Pets would be made legal and, the provider of the mothers, Papa Downs, would be able to conduct his business under the protection of the new board.

"There is only one thing missing here, pussycat."

"What?" I asked and went through the documents once again.

"The contract."

The little lady explained the document termed ABEL 1, which I had sent over to Papa Downs, was the contract that could undermine Jupiter's authorities. I defended myself with that I had no idea what I contained for I wasn't able to break the code. Besides, if I didn't manage to break it open, I doubted Hazall could.

"Don't be so sure, though it doesn't matter now. You, Bunny, were supposed to send those documents to ME." Carr argued, but admitted that the murder of Dr Hannoh understandably shook my foundation of trust in X-breed. Fine, I made a mistake, but who knew. Not me… not then. Following this, Carr presented the thrilling idea that I would have to retrieve it. It was no longer in the possessions of Papa Down's but rather with Hazall since he was running the show.

My world is spinning faster than I can cope and I am being thrown from being a liar to a lover, from a sell-out to a thief and enthusiastic to bitter. I can't handle this anymore. It is so tiring, I am beginning to lose hope that I can save Raoul from the vultures. Well, before I lost all my strength and faith, Miss Doh'ra volunteered to help me retrieve the contract. How that will happen will take some planning on my part, but she will be involved.

"And what are you to gain in this?" I asked Miss Doh'ra at which she snorted a smile saying; "Money talks and bullshit walks, darling. I have been a Pet to the best of Masters and I will not drag their name in shame through the dirt when they cared for me and saved me from the gutter. I have provided the Pet Academy with fine specimens and with financial support I can turn this whole business into an art form from which both Pets and Masters can benefit. But ruthless bastards like Papa Downs have to go. So yes, with him gone, I will run this show. You see, Katze, men have always conquered new grounds, but the true rulers have always been the women. We just have to take Amoi as an example. A whole world of men, lead by a female intelligence and whether we like her or not, but life would be impossible without her contribution. Just like I can make it possible for those hundreds of thousands of youngsters seeking a way to enter the higher cast."

"Miss Doh'ra has been a priceless asset when it came to bringing down the trafficking lords, but the biggest fish is still on the loose. So, if you want to help your boss, you need to help us to catch Papa."

"And you do want that, don't you Katze?" Miss Doh'ra added. She was a tough chick, but I must admit it made her ever so sexy. That tiny little statue had so much ego and attitude that I couldn't help but to feel the utmost respect for that girl. At least Raoul has really good taste in women.

I nodded. "Just tell me this. Why was I brought back? Was it Raoul's idea?"

"Yes." Miss Doh'ra answered. "But it was due to the fact that you were the most competent to dig up information that was relayed to us via Trithorax by setting up the beacon. Raoul had and still has the greatest confidence in you, Katze, but it seems like we know a little more than you do."

"Not quite." I interrupted her and asked to log into my own server – you my darling Artemisia. I took parts of my diary and copied it over to her computer. I added the parts I wrote about the man at the morgue, and it caught Carr's attention for the pathologist had not revealed that information in his report. I told Carr that the pathologist was not certain about the significance of his findings and was unsure whom to present the data to. He wasn't even sure if he had done a proper analysis or if it had been a contamination. I also told them the reason to why these experiments have been conducted in the first place and when the name of Iason Mink was mentioned, Carr threw his head back releasing a deep sigh.

"Iason Mink… I voted for that guy fifteen years ago. He was just a young little shit then, but full of potential." Carr said submerged in thoughts. "This runs deeper than we thought and goes high up to the Syndicate level if we don't stop it. We cannot risk these experiments becoming legal. Once we can show this before a jury, Jupiter can clear this up and thin out the players wanting to bury Raoul. If she can bring Iason back that's fine, but right now the main priority is to bring Papa down."

"The trial is already on going and the verdict is a week away." I set forth and seeing time as a critical issue in this case.

"So we'd better move quickly." Miss Doh'ra added. "You will have to call for a meeting and present all you know. You will admit knowing the whole story behind the Pet trading, Hazall and Lord Jerychio and try to make him admit to confess to you. We need it recorded."

"How the hell am I supposed to do that?" I asked a bit baffled.

"Well, you're the one closest to him." Carr threw in and blew a thick mist of smoke from his mouth. "You will be wired and you might also need this as an extra precaution…"

He took out a small box from his pocket and I opened it. Inside, there was a kautschuk necklace with a rhombic pendant of male design centered with a black stone.

"If you touch the stone, an alarm will go off and that will be the signal for us to move in." Carr explained. "We will be outside recording your every word and motions detectors will see who is inside the building. We will monitor everything."

"Won't you be inside? Won't that be suspicious?"

"I have to lead the group. You will have to do this without me, Katze. You have to sound convincing and then give me the signal when to attack."

"You are placing this burden upon my shoulders?"

"Who else can pull this off, Katze?" Miss Doh'ra asked. "You were the lord of all trafficking lords and the only one Papa Downs trusted. You can get the confession."

"How?" I asked.

"Only you know."

That was the end of the conversation, Artemisia. It's about 19'41 in the evening and I am home, trying to clear my thoughts. The meeting with Carr and Miss Doh'ra has been going on from five in the morning till four in the afternoon. I had some dinner at a fast food restaurant and took a stroll past the Tanagura Biomedical Center. It was sealed off by a line of guards and only authorities were allowed to enter. Every corner of that building is highly guarded.

Raoul really needs help in this or he'll be buried up to his neck in dirt. What to say, what to do, how to build this case up, where to set it up… I have to find the answers and solutions to this before the end of next week. I thought I was out of time to do anything with the remainder of my life, which is less than forty-seven days, and still Raoul has only a week left.

I am tired now. My head is spinning from all this information. I will go through it all again and try to find a way to get Papa Downs for a meeting. I have to come up with something that at least seems solid and interesting enough for him to gather up his men and meet me.


	54. Agatha

**Bewildered: 4694-059**

My darling, Artemisia. Raoul called today, but I didn't dare to pick up the phone and strangely, he didn't leave a message. I don't know what to say to him and if he would have some bad news about the court hearings, I wouldn't be able to take it. Not now at least. I feel I can hardly keep my thoughts on track and right now I must gather all the strength I have to be able to pull this through.

Damn it! How am I supposed to break into Hazall's… what… place, work, home…? I don't even know where to break in! And even if I did, what am I supposed to steal? Did he print the document out? I doubt it. I really doubt he managed to break the code and open it. With some luck… or logic rather… he has it still under the same name. If he doesn't, I could always search for  
specific word content like "TrxG" or "Argonaut" or perhaps even "Iason Mink". Who knows. That's a minor problem. I need have no idea how to get to Hazall. I don't even now where he is at the moment.

I've been roaming the abandoned site again. If Miss Doh'ra heard me the first time, I bet she will get in contact with me. I wrote a tiny message saying; "Out of ideas… need help or deal is off!" It's 13'24 now. I will go for a walk and hopefully, by the time I come back she will have given me some signs of life. Otherwise, she can go to hell.

Time now is 18'45. Just came back with some coffee and a huge portion of passion cake. Yeah, yeah… who gives a damn about my health now? I have more important things to do. Anyway, as I suspected I have a message. She signed it this time too, with Agatha Doh'ra. Oh, that's sweet. Agatha is her name? Ha! Haven't heard anything so old fashioned in a loooooong time, but it's cute, I have to admit that. And guess what… this girl is full of surprises. The only thing she wrote is this:

"Dear Bunny-tush,

I hope you bought enough coffee and passion cake for me as well. I have a big appetite for sweet stuff… you included. So strap on that chastity belt of yours and make some room for me, for it'll be a long night.

Agatha D."

Cute no? She has obviously been following me for hours. Funny, on my way to the communicator to ask the concierge to bring up some more passion cake, coffee and perhaps some fruit, I passed by the large mirror near my bed and I actually stopped to take a look at my butt. She called me 'Bunny-tush'. I don't see the resemblance, but if that makes me cute or 'sweet' in her eyes, that's fine with me.

Well, the time is 19'10 and there's a knock on my door. I don't think I'll write more tonight. See you my darling.

* * *

**Agatha: 4694-060**

Agatha made herself comfortable the minute she came walking through my door. In fact she had been the one bringing up the order I had place just prior to her arrival. She seems very much like a no nonsense girl, but I did appreciate her crazy sense of humor - no matter how dirty it is and constantly alluding to sex. Well, there was a reason to that, and it was quite obvious she did fancy me and if I would 'play my cards right, we might round up the evening in a more pleasant way'. All right, I did stare at her features rather bluntly, so I guess she realized the feelings were mutual, hence her forwardness, but before I had the chance to decline her kind offer based on my past as a desexualized Eunuch, she continued; "And I don't want to hear about you not being capable just because you are a Eunuch. You have no idea how many guys like you I've had squealing beneath me."

I started laughing and she flashed me a warm smile. When it came to the planning, the contract and "borrowing it indefinitely", she was focused and serious. She said she knew Hazall was in town for; "now that the deal is about to close, he can't miss this for the world." Apparently, Hazall's headquarters here on Amoi is of course within the Federation building, but that is like a fortress and my worry was that "you can't just prance in there looking all cute... even if you are, that won't do any good. There must be hundreds of guards in there."

Agatha smiled at me and placed her hand on mine saying she would take my remark as a compliment. By all means, I understand that she managed to stir the blood in Raoul, for she certainly has warmth I wouldn't mind coming closer to.

The plan is as follows: The day prior to our break in Carr will send some officers on a fake mission saying they received a call regarding unwanted persons on the premises, which will give them the chance to scan the area and measure up the security we need to pass. The following day Agatha and me will dress up as solicitors and head off to Hazall's office with an urgent message regarding the takeover of the biomedical center; more specifically transactions of the money from the stock market to his account. Since we are dealing with large numbers the authentication has to be done by a bank representative (Agatha), an authorized witness (me) and two agents (the officers from the previous day, working under cover). Agatha will sweet talk the old man with her charm and my job will be to hook you up to Hazall's computer, which will be done through 'code-swapping'. We will use you, my dear Artemisia, and you won't even have to work hard. You see, to be able to do your banking over the network, you must have a small program from the bank itself that authenticates your computer by recognizing the identity of the program, which is unique to all users. But when it comes to large sums of money, the bank has made sure to pamper their clients by arranging personal transfers in the presence of their account managers and solicitors, in order for the already pampered wealthy to not have to go to the bank. So troublesome you know. Very nice; Raoul has that service too. Anyway, for that you need to connect the bank host (you) to authenticate the user and then the further go to the main server of the bank. Of course, you cannot connect to the bank, but Hazall doesn't know that and I'll create a temporary website that will look like that of the bank.

The money will already be in his account (taken from the poor tax-payers this time although for a good cause), just in case he decides to call the bank and make sure the transfer is completed. What you will do instead is that whilst Agatha is chitchatting and flirting, you will be scanning through his hard drive for security codes. Now there will be loads of security codes to go through, but you will steal the keychain that keeps track of every single one he has on his computer. You will also be uploading (the same time baby) a hidden wormhole, so that we can break into his little stationary without him even noticing it. Ha! It was how I managed to break into Iason's computer the very first time. Yes, here I am. Revealing my secrets and the only way Iason found out about it is because I was silly enough not to lock the door. You see, when you have refined skills in something you can become overconfident and careless – well, he taught me my lesson and I've been careful since. So when hooked up to you baby, you'll have to suck the information out of that stationary and steal the keychain.

So… what else can I tell you, Artemisia? Will you be jealous if I tell you I have another girl in my bed? I understand Raoul even more now. Agatha told me so many things about him I didn't know, but also about things I recognized and in between all the planning we were laughing on Raoul's behalf. A bit nasty perhaps but it was so funny being able to say things like "Oh, and when he does that thing with his mouth…", "I agree, and the way he nags…", "… and his habits with always folding the napkin before he wipes his mouth…, "…never scratches his groin…", "cute when flossing…".

Well, who knew a whole conversation could spring from the very concept of dental floss. Agatha told me what it was like to live in Raoul's condo – together with him for several months and the everyday habits they shared. She said;

"You know he takes a new string for every crevice between his teeth. When he is finished there is this huge pile of floss in the sink. Oh by the Gods!" She almost flew up from her seat. "And you know what? He does SHAVE!"

"That dirty little liar!" I exclaimed and explained to her I had confronted him once about those things and he said it was not his.

"Well, we did share." Agatha smiled in defense.

"Even the razor?" I asked skeptically and she nodded saying; "Oh yeah, he wasn't stuck up about that."

I remembered our little session in the bathtub while back and told her about it and Agatha responded by opening up.

"Yes, I remember the first time he did that to me. He was in the bathroom, shaving – not that he has anything to shave, but still I think he enjoys to feel that he is able to do things that others take for granted… anyway, we were preparing to go out. It was my birthday and he promised to take me to the theatres to see a romantic play. When he was finished shaving I asked if I could borrow his razor and started attending myself. He had never seen it before and sat at the edge of the tub watching… almost mesmerized. I usually waxed, but at that time I was being comfortable and didn't bother going to the salon. He watched the long strokes along my legs and once I was finished with one leg he wanted to do the other. And so he joined me in the tub… It was the first time he joined me."

"But not the first time you had sex." I muttered a little jealously.

Agatha started laughing and threw herself in my arms and sat down on my lap. She is so petite in size. I forgot how good it was to hold a girl.

"No, you are right, but you don't have to be jealous."

I was trying to defend myself denying the obvious, but she hushed me with a kiss saying; "He loves you, Katze. Gosh, you should hear what he says about you. I am the one who should be jealous. But I'm not, for he is happy."

This lovely little thing then gazed seriously into my eyes, with a faint smile on her lips and added; "You take good care of him, Kat. He is unusual for a Blondie."

I knew what she meant, and so I had to reveal my secret to her. It hit her like lightning and I saw her turning to stone in my arms, mourning me through Raoul's eyes. I told her about my disease and that my days were numbered and also my reasons for declining treatment. I think she understood, but she brought forth what seeded guilt in me.

"You will break his heart, Katze."

I couldn't say anything. In that sense, Agatha knew Raoul better than me. She had lived with him longer than I had and come closer to him than any other; even Iason. She continued and I listened.

"You know, when Iason Mink died, Raoul was barely holding on to his sanity with grief. It was a new sensation and Blondies are not meant to feel those things. But they do. It is just that they are so overly protected by Jupiter in their little Kingdom in Eos that they never come across these things. Believe me even my Master, Lord Qhui, was a good man deep inside. But we Pets are taught to be quiet and to have no will, whereas Blondies are taught to force their will upon everyone. Two impossible worlds and the wall between us are upheld by our lessons. But Blondies need to be spoken to in order for them to open their eyes… and they see. They do feel, pussycat. You cannot gain respect by being a compliant little slave all the time, or by being a mindless robotic thing without a will. Of course you will reduce yourself to something that resembles furniture rather than a person and you will be treated like such."

"Hey, I was furniture and when I disobeyed Iason he marked me for life." I showed her my scar, but Agatha had the upper hand.

"And then he made you into one of the biggest names in the underworld, making you very rich and allowing for you to become his right hand, Kat. Justice serves those who serve themselves. Don't you think Iason saw that in you? I mean, open your eyes, pussycat. Don't you see that pattern? Who were remaining closest to Iason Mink in his life?"

I started thinking about what Agatha said and names were flowing out of me.

"'Kay, who was always a nuisance, Raoul, who quite often annoyed Iason with his 'flat refusals', Riki, who was posing the most resistance to his heart, and me… and I guess I wasn't an angel either."

Suddenly, it was clear. Iason was observant. He did see, he could feel and he understood. He had indeed been the greatest leader of them all, and suddenly I understood why Jupiter wanted him so desperately back on the throne, not matter the cost. Even if the cost was to accept Riki and the likes of him and even change the course of life for many. Iason was the ultimate leader and Jupiter had realized that. At that moment, Jupiter seemed ever less frightening and I opened parts of my mind that had been shut down by prejudice. I saw life from a greater perspective and my determination to put Iason back on the throne set me free. I found myself smiling, and Agatha asked what it was in her comments that I found so funny.

"Nothing." I said. "You just gave me peace."

Agatha and I have never met before in private yet we had so much in common to talk about. It even led us down a road we never imagined. Well, now don't be jealous baby, but she spent the night here and more specifically in my bed. Goodness, I can't even remember what it was like to be with a woman, but she made a very pleasant effort to reawaken those memories. Raoul and I have now one more thing in common… and what a wonderful thing it is too. And she was right. Despite her lacking what a man has, she was able to make me whine and groan under her body. Now I know where Raoul learned his tongue technique and the tenderness he showed me a few nights ago. As for me, I relished the taste and scent of a woman and I realized I could love both; Agatha and Raoul.

I had to dive into my distant memories about a woman's body, as my lips merged with those swollen feminine attributes that felt like a deliciously wet mouth kissing me back. My tongue immediately searched for that sensitive little spot I knew I had tasted long back and my fingers lisped inside her as if they found a home. I was insatiable to the freshness of her scent and the sensations I experienced with hands and mouth. I wanted more and my body grew sensitive to the point where I climaxed to feeling of her rhythmically contracting around my fingers. It was an incredible feeling for someone like me. I don't even know how to begin to describe it.

I am confident she will pull him out of his mourning and I can't imagine a better person to be at his side in the future. She is more than any man I've met before, and all this power is enveloped in a body that can be tender in a tough world. It's a skill I'd like to learn, but it was too late for me. My disease has progressed too far and a few hours ago she held me tight as cramps were pushing the blood out of my lungs. Agatha comforted me and stroked my hair as my body clamed down. I don't know why, Artemisia, but I am not scared anymore. How she managed to take that away from me, I'll never know.


	55. Final Note Before I Leave

**Stolen code: 4694-062**

Hello lovely. Yes, now you are an accomplice, Artemisia. You have been stealing… and yes, I programmed you to it. Up until now, you've remained pure at your processor, but I have corrupted you too. Sorry, but it was necessary.

Yesterday, Carr's people had returned form the Federation building and showed us some of the images they had taken with a hidden camera. We saw the reception, the scan-portals we had to pass and the way to Hazall's office. I've never been in there before but it was just as magnificent as the Biomedical center.

I spent the entire afternoon yesterday with Carr to design a webpage that resembled that of the International Bank, complete with links and secondary pages. Of course, you may wonder how come we were able to design the appearance of the account page when none of us has one at this fancy bank… well, you know, it's true what Agatha said before 'Money talk's and bullshit walks'. So when you merge money with underpaid personnel you get interesting information. *Smiles* Works every time.

Today we entered the building at 14'06 and left it at about 16'37. The security measures were rigorous and they scanned us from top to bottom. They didn't find much other than you of course and although we didn't come completely unannounced we were properly checked. In the morning a call was directed to Mr Hazall from this banker we had hooked up with and thus we were expected. Hey, you know what, Artemisia? I look pretty good in a suit. In short, everything went according to plan. As long as Agatha kept on appeasing to the old man's ego, he was like butter in the warm sun. After the transfer he did do as we had suspected and made a call to the bank, which then confirmed the recently added five million credits. After a few cups of coffee, some sandwiches and cookies it was time to go. It went smoother than I thought, but no one can be happier about that than me. I was sitting on needles all the time, in case he would remember me from the past, but no. Anyway, I was glad to be home. So now it's time for me to make use of the keychain, Artemisia. Will write to you some more.

Got it. There it is. Did you know he has two hundred and fifty-one security codes for different documents? I don't know if I should call that protective or paranoid. In any case, the ABEL 1 and 41599_ABEL. I don't know which one is the contract, but they seem intact. They have not been opened since 4693-387, which was the day after I had brought it to Raoul when he was on a conference (you know, when I had that dream about Trithorax). It means they were not able to break the security code for it. Well, I can imagine since Jupiter sealed them and it is a five level file-lock: five different codes, twenty case-sensitive characters and has to contain a minimum of five numbers. Plus you need to have Raoul's retinal and voice authentication too. Hell, I can't break this either. At least they are safe here and I also duplicated and downloaded all documents on Hazall's computer that contained words on this matter. There was a great deal of correspondence between him and Lord Jerychio and, as Agatha and Carr told me, with Papa Downs. So they played me… it's time to play back.

**

* * *

Saying Goodbye: 4694-064**

It's nighttime and it's been two days since I last wrote. I know I am wasting my time instead of preparing for my final departure. Raoul is at home and so am I. I've been thinking. I haven't heard anything form him in a few days and I haven't made any attempts to call him either. I went to the cemetery and visited Aethelric's grave again. I placed some white roses on it and paid my respects to him. I spoke to him, well mostly talking to myself, and I also went through all that I have come to know about him, Raoul, Papa Downs this whole affair and where I am heading. As you already know, I love Raoul and I have done so much to hurt him. I have done so much to hurt so many people. I guess I will have to work a pretty solid line to have something to say to all those Pets I've traded like animals, to explain all the hurtful things I've said to Raoul and the pain that is associated with me and my bitterness. Oh Jupiter, I can hardly think. I can't really understand that my days are numbered. It is always something that happens to someone else, but not someone as young as me. I am in my early thirties and the average for a healthy male is a hundred and forty two. Well, yeah, that's the key word isn't it; "healthy male".

So why am I drowning in my self-pity? I was the one saying "no" to treatment, right? Well, I don't want everything to be as it was before. I don't want to return to what was. I don't want to be the Katze who was trading Pets, the antagonistic, bitter me…! I am so tired of being me, and I know I am too stubborn to change. I've tried so many times, but I only became weak and not worthy of respect. Not in my eyes at least. SO! What to do! My only legacy to this world will be my time with Raoul. He has been under my skin for so long, either as Trithorax or as my boss, but no matter how many conflicts we have faced we have always managed to stay next to each other. He even made me wish I would be whole again and if I knew there was a possibility to escape this crazy planet and be free from Tanagura and all the memories associated with it, I would take that damned treatment. But I will never be whole and so, loving Raoul will remain a desire. I am sure we will have nice sex, but I will not be completely fulfilled… and neither will Raoul.

I have written an email to Raoul and addressed it Trithorax. It will arrive to him two weeks from today; I will have left Amoi by then and retired to Aaryïn for the remainder of the time I have left. I want to go there for it was where I was in complete bliss. It was the only time I lived to the fullest and I shared with the two people I love the most – Raoul and Trithorax. I will post it to you here and then I will try to leave all this behind.

_My dearest Raoul,_

_Funny for me to begin the letter this way for I have always been harsh when speaking your name, haven't I?_

_You know, I remember the first time I saw you. I was fifteen and had been recently desexualized into a Eunuch. I had problems fitting in to Iason's household, but I had to make an effort, for he had invited a few people to a gathering. Do you remember? You came exactly half an hour late and punctual as Iason always was, he muttered something to you about keeping time. I remember you took it so well and brushed it off by saying, "fashionably late, my dear Iason." Then you handed your coat over to me and I still remember the clothes you were wearing. You had a blue robe, decorated with red embroideries and your hair had been arranged in an impressive masterpiece, which I had never seen before or after. You know, putting your hair up brought out your face and your swan-like neck. You were the most radiant one; even more so than my master._

_Do you remember I was so clumsy that I tripped when carrying the wine into the dining hall? The bottle would have spilled over you and the guest next to you and I would have fallen in between you two, but your fast reflexes saved me from punishments and your expensive clothing from being ruined. You caught the bottle half way through the air and pulled me into your arms as I fell. With a slight smile you let go of me saying; "I thought cats always landed on their feet."_

_It was the first time I understood the meaning of my name and it was the first time you were ever wrong about something… I guess not all pussycats land on their feet._

_By the time you receive this, I'll be gone. I was hoping to leave Tanagura and start all over someplace else, and I guess in some ways I have. I bet it wasn't a shock for you to hear I got an aggressive cancer, but it was probably puzzling to find out that I declined treatment._

_I found it out quite recently and so I've been at Aethelric's grave and a funny thought hit me. I've been wondering if you'd be burying me next to him; if I too ever meant that much to you. Well, most people are being recycled by accelerated breakdown and the elements are restored to create new life, so I guess that would be ruled out and not even your power is enough to override all the laws._

_The truth is, I knew for a long time that I was really sick, but I tried to deny it to myself; I kept on hoping. That ancient saying has been praying on my mind for days; "Hope is the last thing to abandon a man."_

_It is correct, for even though I know my days are numbered, I am still hoping something will turn the course of my sealed fate and I can live in that dream I shared with Trithorax. *Laughing*_

_Oh God, Raoul, do you remember how we used to pretend; that you loved me and I loved you? In the hotel when we had sex (or dare I say made love) for the first time and then at New Years Eve? I just want you to know that I've never been strong enough to say what I felt, but I did love you Raoul. I never pretended although I was shielding and hiding my true emotions._

_You know, I have every line we ever spoke as Trithorax and BlueBunny saved on my computer: stored for the future. If you want, you can retrieve it and do with it as you wish. I had no one to give it to – no family or friends I wanted to share my thoughts with. But Artemisia is waiting for you. She will be deposited in the safeguard of the bank under the name Katze Am and the code is Trithorax4331BlueBunny. I know the codes are very obvious but I couldn't come up with anything better. You'll be 43 this year and I would have been 31. A perfect match, don't you think? You will also find Bunny there. He will be glad to return home. I know I would._

_It pains me a little to see these numbers, for if I had been a little smarter and had more faith in you, for that I am ashamed, I could have spent more time with you. We were a pretty good team weren't we, Raoul… or can I call you "my love"? No, I guess not. Blondie hearts don't run that deep do they, but at least I will pretend it is so and take that with me. I hope you don't mind._

_I wonder if you have ever thought about me as anything other than a eunuch? Oh, what does it matter now? I don't think of you as just another Blondie and although I have spewed so much over you during this time we've been working together, I know you deserve better than what I have been able to give you._

_Well… I have to stop writing, or I'll never finish this letter. I reckon you have millions of questions… or maybe you have none… I honestly don't know, my love… but you will be able to find some of the answers in Artemisia. Remember, she is waiting._

_Please, if I ever appear in your memories even for a swift second, think of me in a good way. I'd like that._

_Love you more than life itself_

_Katze  
=========================================================_

* * *

**  
Preparations: 4694-064**

Hi Artemisia. Well, this will be my final note to you. After tonight things will be very different. I have bough a one-way ticket to Aaryïn, closed my accounts here and arranged for leaving Amoi by tomorrow afternoon. I will charge your battery and leave you on until tomorrow night so that I can write down the outcome of the final meeting I am having with Papa Downs. I hope I can make him confess and have this over and done with for good. I will deposit you in the bank in the morning and hopefully Raoul will be off the hook in a few days and can fetch you when he receives the letter I prepared for him. Don't worry, honey, you won't be left alone. I am sure he will take good care of you.

Yesterday I sent a message to call for a meeting with Papa Downs and spoke to him about me finding evidence that Raoul was in fact innocent and that there were other players involved in the trading and trafficking of Pet. When I couldn't come up with anything better with which to catch his attention, I turned to the truth. That had to put some fire under his ass. I told him I knew everything and I bet he must have been nervous hearing it so bluntly set forth. Both Agatha and Carr were in my apartment when I made the call and was about to lynch me afterwards for this idiocy, for I did reveal their names. I didn't know how to defend my deeds, except that I knew Papa Downs could see through liars like an x-ray. It wouldn't have helped to lie and besides, revealing that I know about this, but not going to the cops might seed some trust him. He has always known that there was only one side I was playing on – MINE! And the only language spoke on that side was money.

Today, my apartment was full with people, smoke, chattering in the background, raiding of my fridge and people ordering in. It was almost like a housewarming party, except that I was getting a surveillance chip inserted in my scalp so that the police could listen in on and record the conversation between Papa Downs and me. The necklace was on my neck its function was tested; a slight touch on the stone set off the alarm on Carr's bracelet and he explained it would take the troops about two minutes to storm the building from their positions. I had chosen an abandoned warehouse in the Honey District close to where I was taken by Agatha's men a few nights ago. It was a secluded area and just as I had expected Papa asked me why we couldn't have this meeting at his club as usual. I had no choice but to blow the cover on Carr for that. I told Papa I had found evidence proving that Carr was an under cover agent and that I didn't trust anyone or anyplace unless I set the conditions. Carr smacked me on the back of the head, but Agatha was there to calm him down. After all, they had given me free hands to do what I could to catch Papa Downs.

She was sitting in front of me with Bunny in her lap. She was indulging in a café au lait, just like me, watching me with those big brown eyes that contrasted well with that crème colored dress she had on. It was a bodysuit with bootleg cut on the trousers and a sleeveless top with a huge collar that rested over her shoulders like a minor mantle. Very elegant. A deep cleavage exposed her pushed up breasts and whilst the officer was arranging the implant in my scalp, I diverted the pain by focusing on those gorgeous cushions.

"You have enough milk in your coffee already, pussycat." Agatha remarked without even looking at me, but with a tinge of humor and then added; "If you make it back in one piece, you might even get to taste them… again."

I started laughing and nodded the suggestion, but when our laughter died, I exposed to her my final request.

"You take good care of Raoul, won't you?"

She peered at me as if she tried to drag the answers to that request out of my head.

"Listen pussycat." She said. "If something goes wrong I will make sure he will be pampered to his teeth, but I won't have to do that for you will return and take care of him yourself."

I didn't want to tell her, but that is impossible. I will leave Amoi after tomorrow night and I won't return. For tomorrow night, as an extra precaution I have also loaded my gun. He is coming with me. I will try to catch some sleep now.

* * *

**Final Note Before I Leave: 4694-065**

Well, my sweet Artemisia, I've walked around Tanagura one final time this morning. I went to the cemetery and bought some flowers for Aethelric. I also went past Raoul's place just to invite him for a coffee at the local patisserie where he loved his afternoon tea, but unfortunately he was in court. I left him a small note saying 'Good luck and all the best'. The porter would tell Raoul I had stopped by and give him the note and perhaps we can meet tomorrow for one last time. My strolling took me to the Tanagura harbors and I watched the sun set beyond the Sea. It was beautiful and the color of the evening sky was as golden as Raoul's hair. It's funny how everything reminds me of him and I remained sitting there four hours, just remembering my time with him; I remembered the good things and could smile at the bad ones.

I had almost lost track of time when my watch signaled it was time to go home and prepare for the evening. I have erased all my email accounts, all traces to me from other websites and cleared up as much as possible after myself both electronically but also in the condo. The apartment is clean, the bed is made and all electronic appliances are switched off. Only you remain operational and the only thing emitting light in this room. My watch is signaling again and it's time for me to leave.

We won't talk for a while and I am on my way to the Honey District; gun tucked in at my side. Wish me luck and I will fill you in on the details when I return. I am nervous, I admit that, I am also worried about the outcome for there is not much time left to bring these people before justice. Please say a prayer for me… say a prayer for Raoul… and for a good future.


	56. From me to you Katze

HELLO ALL. WELL, ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END AND SO DOES KATZE'S ADVENTURES. THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER COMPILING OF SEVERAL SMALL ONES THAT I CHOSE TO UPLOAD AT ONCE. I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED THE STORY AND PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO LEAVE ME SOME COMMENTS. I HAVE CHANGED GENRE OVER TO FF7 AND I HAVE NO IMMEDIATE PLANS TO CONTINUE ON WITH AnK BUT WE'LL NEVER KNOW IN THE FUTURE. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL... HAKUCHO

* * *

**From me to you Katze: 4694-091**

My dearest Katze, since you are heavily sedated and undergoing extreme medical treatment, I thought I would fill you in with those days that have passed by outside your consciousness. Please forgive me for taking the freedom to write on your laptop, or shall I say on Artemisia, but if you want to know how you ended up where you are, I feel I must reveal all the facts to you.

I have begun this letter to you several times already, never quite knowing how to start it or how to continue. I found myself at your home a few weeks ago when my lovely Agatha called me and brought the terrifying news of you being seriously injured and undergoing surgery to save your life. I drove like a madman to the hospital and spent the night outside the surgery room, comforted by her sweet embrace once again as a lead investigator from the police force, called Carr Novat Andersen informed me of the events that had taken place. Numerous officers shared your fate, some even worse for the flat-line of their ceased heartbeat was penetrating though the walls and into the waiting room. It was a terrible showdown, Katze. It cost lives… almost yours.

Before I go into those details I will continue my thoughts. I came to your apartment the day after your surgery to collect some matters for Personnel, and the longer I remained there I slowly became engulfed in memories of you and I. You are everywhere Katze, I cannot escape you! Your scent permeates your couch, your clothing and very much, your bed. I remember vividly the nights that we slept there, caught up in the wanting of what could be and following through on the cravings of our bodies.

I know not how to handle you dying Kat or myself at the thought that I might be the one who has speeded this along. The thought of me causing you pain has driven a staff through my heart and yes, I do admit to having read your diary, my precious.

As I lay dwelling on your bed, drowning in my own pity, I caught sight of your laptop Artemisia. It appeared open and to be running, as if left there on purpose for my eyes alone; if it wanted me to see the truth once and for all. My fastidious habits remained true to form and therefore begrudgingly I dragged myself from your room and made my way to this machine. As I placed myself on the couch, I glanced up at the sky. It was so beautiful and clear, with one soft cloud that appeared to slowly roll through the sky as if it rightfully belonged there. How interesting that I would notice such a thing again in my life. As pulled my gaze from the outdoors to your computer, I was startled by what was on the screen… your personal life, events, thoughts. I became enthralled by this knowledge of you and, yes, I read the entire work.

Regarding your refusal for treatment, I want you to know that I am enraged at your selfishness, pussycat. If not for your being in the hospital, I would come immediately to impose on you the punishment you warrant for this act, you contemptible red headed mongrel. You self-centered, egotistical bastard! To keep such illness to oneself is inexcusable. The only result you have accomplished by this daft act of yours is the anguish in my soul. You may want to play the martyr, thinking your death will result in some form of salvation for the masses, but you, my love, will not be that sacrifice. I will not allow such a thing to occur. And to fathom the thought of running away to wherever your beautiful head takes you is truly ridiculous. Surely you must know by now that I would use whatever means to locate and bring you home. You belong with me, pussycat. Nowhere else. As Iason had so many times told me about Riki, I shall make it as simple and as clear for you now; You belong to ME! I will never let you go. Do you understand me? You will not die and leave me missing you for a single day. I am obsessive perhaps, but that is what you get when you nestle into me like you have done. I shall give you freedom, but you will forever be chained to me in soul no matter who caresses your body.

You asked to be placed next to Aethelric? This is a grandiose plea, don't you think? It is one that requires much thought on my side whether to comply or not. Aethelric is a portion of my past that I find bitter yet treasure with every cell of my body. He was a man of strengths and gentleness who stole my heart and left it in pieces. I do not share his memory with others, for it is mine alone to deal with and to find conclusion to. You though, are not "others" you are my mine and mine alone. My answer to you at this time is NO, Katze, you may not be placed next to him. Your cowardly behavior in the face of immanent death is inexcusable. How can you even think that this is a possibility? Had you shown greater courage and trust in myself or others, then yes, Kat, I conclude that it would be an option to consider. However, you are not about to pass away. I have other plans for you.

I have set back and regained some sense in all has occurred recently. I browsed through your home, once more experiencing all that is you. As I made my way through the bathroom, I smiled as I remembered you telling me of the hair in the drain; such a thing to remember at this time. I sat for awhile on the edge of your bathtub and lost myself in thoughts. Thoughts of how we have treated each other through the years. As with any relationship, and I do believe at this point we can call ours that, there are grand memories along side the vicious ones.

Yes, I do remember you as a young boy and the look in your eyes when I saved you from rightful punishment by Iason. I had never seen such beautiful bright eyes, so full of terror at the thought of what might befall you. With you in my arms that day, I had no knowledge that our lives would become so complex and intertwined. How is it that when ones life becomes fulfilled it directly affects another's? I find it unjust, these laws of balance and equality.

You, my pussycat, have become so accomplished lately at exposing your feelings that I will attempt the same. You will perhaps find what I say distasteful but I can only hope that maybe you will see the truth in all that I say. I can only expose what I harbor inside and it is you who chooses to believe it or not. I will start with Trithorax, for this seems to engulf the emotional part of our relationship, the one where barriers were thrown down and hearts exposed.

My initial attempt as Tri, in communicating with you, was to gain insight into what situations you had become involved in; instead, I found myself enthralled by the man behind the screen. You have no idea the freedom there was Katze, the sense of anonymity. It was like paradise had come to me at last. This was a treasured time in my life when my soul was laid open; no censure, no conditions. We were two people enjoying one another, enjoying the pleasures anyway we chose without the usual class difference. I must add that it was particularly thrilling to expose myself to you and follow your directions. Kat, you bring out the side of me that I cannot display in general, one that I keep under wraps from prying eyes. What we shared with one another, I cherish deeply and keep to my heart.

For a great while, I found myself consumed by resentment towards both you and Trithorax. Your frequent communications, your clandestine meetings, your trust in one another made me rage inside with jealousy. Whenever I approached you, the glow on your face from "him" would pale into the belligerent attitude towards me that I found near impossible to tolerate. I knew your true feelings, your weakness in this man, and your lust for him but yet, I had to maintain face while Tri enjoyed the fruits.

The fury in your heart by what you deemed as a betrayal of trust, I understand. But how is that different from what you did to me? I will not hurt you, Kat, this is not my desire. I will, however, love you and care for you no matter what the circumstance. No mockery of the words there, you read correctly. It will be an unconditional love. You have not rid yourself of me so easily, my doll.

I examined the condo thoroughly to find whatever traces you left behind and a visit to your kitchen was rather surprising. Although the company there was quite lacking, I feel better since I went. You are out of several staples though; such neglectful behavior on your part surprises me. I can only hope that this is not a reflection of your personal skills in other areas.

Reading through Artemisia, it is as if you are here with me in spirit and I find myself missing you more than I dare to admit. Now is the time for truth as to the explanation of why I will not let you die. I have made the decision to reconstruct you, for you to again be whole and functioning and satisfied. Now I am the one with the selfish wants! I want you to experience all that you choose, all that you choose of me and yes, all of your deviant desires that I know exist. If you want to take me, you will have your chance after this. You said once to Trithorax, that only a Master towards his Pet could make such decisions and so… I have made the decision towards MY Pet! The outcome is the same, my love, you belong to me.

You will also find yourself going through treatments for the cancer, no matter how extreme or what pain that might be, you will proceed through it. I have ignored your wish for death for the simple reasons of respect and love. I respect your wants and desires, these are not being dismissed, however our love for one another pulls seniority over this respect. I cannot live without you in my life, pussycat. You have become a vital element and I find that I am at a loss when you are not there. I am holding you to your promise to Trithorax, that "We will grow old together." There are no other options my love. You are MINE!

With all my love, forever and always,

Raoul

* * *

**Treatment failure: 4694-095**

My beloved Katze. You are as stubborn in the face of Death as you are in life, but don't be stubborn towards me! Please, pussycat, I deserve more! We were performing the third try of de-cellularization of your lungs until only the mesothelium was intact. We washed out all the old cells and through stem cell transplantation we seeded the new lung cells into the cavity. Your body rejected this the third time. Please, kitty, stop doing this. Your blood has been replaced by isotonic serum-milk, which absorbs the oxygen diffusing through your skin and for the time being it is enough, but we will have to get that lung of yours working. Your body is paler than mine due to the milk. Your iris is colored white as well and gives you an alien feature that is almost frightening. Your red hair is the only thing I recognize about you for the moment and I am holding on to that. You've always been a fighter ever since you sacrificed your body to live among us Blondies. Please, Katze, fight now! I need you to do it.

I retrieved your journals and we spotted several metastasis in you a while back. Luckily those are gone, but your lungs are posing a great challenge.

Well, I promised to fill you in on the details, Kat. Can you imagine my surprise when I am awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night, asked to turn on the news. I knew it was Agatha on the communicator, I recognized her voice, but she sounded unusually stressed and in some way extremely concerned. I turned on the TV and was overwhelmed by what I saw. I saw the fire consuming that an old warehouse in Ceres, and the police force was dragging people out either in body bags or in shackles and names I recognized were being mentioned on these breaking news. The event was being recorded from air as well as from the ground and it was but chaos everywhere. I heard that Pet trafficking was mentioned over and over and when I saw Papa Downs being taken away in shackles I was swept away by worry. When I asked Agatha if you were in some way involved, she told me you were taken to the hospital after being shot in the stomach. The injury you had sustained was not lethal for the authorities had acted quickly, that is what the surgeons told me when I arrived to the healing center, but then they brought the most terrifying news on me. I remember those words so well.

"He has aggressive, terminal cancer that has spread to the adrenal glands and has only a few more weeks to live. Treatment may or may not be successful since so much time has passed. We found a journal from a previous examination dated back to 043 this year and he clearly denied treatment. Lord Am, we don't know what to do whether to comply with his wishes…"

"No!" I shouted over and over and decided right then and there that I would assume control over your life and all treatments were to be engaged in order to bring you back to health. You may be angry with me for this decision, but I am not ready to let you go, Katze.

The coming days I was in and out of court, at the police station, in a hearing with Jupiter, or at board meetings with the new crew to help me realize Jupiter's Borjian project. Yes, we have taken it up again and it's rolling on.

Katze, I heard the recording from your meeting with Papa Downs. I can't believe you took such a big chance. He could have killed you… he almost did.  
I asked investigator Carr Novat Andersen, to give me the recording to be able to present it for you here. I don't know how much of this you will remember, but since you are documenting every moment in your life, I will have parts of it posted for you here.

/…/

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'63):  
I must say, Katze, that you definitely managed to dig deeper than what I had been expecting… to think that X-breed was an agent. I must say that really took me by surprise."

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'64):  
He is clean, sir.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'64):  
Good. I do apologize for being this blunt, my friend, but you do understand we need to be careful.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'64):  
No worries.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'65):  
Would you like a smoke, Kat? All right, let me know in case you change you mind. Listen, I was quite baffled by the briefing you gave me. What made you put together Hazall with Lord Jerychio?

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'66):  
It was a long and tedious process, Papa, and I must admit you had me fooled all along. You wanted me to find whatever I could on Raoul's affairs, but lead me astray to make it seem as if it was Raoul behind it all when it fact it was YOU all along, wasn't it?

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'66):  
Kat, what are you talking about?

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'66):  
Oh c'mon, Papa. You taught me to be thorough and to find the leaks in even the tightest alibis and now you act surprised when all the roads lead back to you? Level with me at least.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'67):  
All right. Go on…

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'67):  
You wanted those document to have them destroyed, except for the contract, which could undermine Jupiter, and to build up a case against Raoul and Dr Hannoh. You sent them over to Hazall, and I know this for I retrieved them from his computer and there is no other way they could've gotten there for I sent them directly to you.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'68):  
You are forgetting X-breed, my dear Kat. He was tapping in on your communication routes. He could've easily duplicated the documents and sent them to Hazall. Do you think I would be the only one to gain in this? For goodness sakes, Kat, open your eyes. Everybody wants a piece of the action for there is money in this business… besides, why would I want to kill all those innocent kids? For fuck sakes, Katze, you KNOW me."

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'69):  
Not well enough, Papa. X-breed was the one helping me to salvage some of the documents. I do believe he managed to fool you too and you really thought he was on your side, but he was one step ahead of you thanks to Miss Doh'ra. They were not in on this for the money. Fine, I admit that everyone has a great deal to gain in this. I mean, X-breed will most probably be promoted, Miss Doh'ra will take over the Black Market, but they were the only ones who cared to take a deeper look into this affair, whilst YOU wanted me to bury the only man who has been fighting this the whole time. You almost had me convinced. All the evidence you showed me. The kids at the Deben harbor, concealing your connections to Hazall. You just missed to wipe out one thing… Aethelric. You see, he is not destroyed like Blondies usually get or incinerated like mongrels. Raoul never took him to Jupiter. He is buried like people were thousands of years ago. His remains are still in the ground and THAT will tie Hazall and Jerychio to the poaching of Pets and the early experiments they conducted. It's all in Aethelric's genes. And when they go down, I am sure the there will be evidence enough to lock you up too.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'71):  
You need to sort out your priorities, kid. Do you want to be a slave under Jupiter for the rest of your life?

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'71):  
As opposed to being a slave under you and Hazall? Please, don't make me laugh.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'71):  
Make you LAUGH? You wipe that shit of a smirk off you face when you talk to me, eunuch! If it hadn't been for me you would still be bowing for crumbs the Blondies feed you off the table! You were NOTHING when you came to me. I created you and what you became, little brother!

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'72):  
Don't call me brother, Papa. Those days are over and don't ever forget… Iason Mink created me. How could you even consider working with people like Hazall and Jerychio? They are murderers!

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'73):  
Oh, don't be such a self-righteous son of a bitch, Katze. You didn't cry your eyes out or had sleepless nights over the Pets you traded so many years."

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'73):  
But I killed no kids! And for the record… I do have sleepless nights, because I do see their faces.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'74):  
Does it matter, Kat? A kill is a kill, no? It's always about chance and probable outcome, Kat… you know who lives and who dies. I don't make that decision. I just round them up. Besides, how about your former boss, Iason Mink? Are his hands clean of the blood of innocents?"

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'75):  
For crying out loud, Papa… they were just kids… Iason would have never allowed it.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'75):  
Don't be so gullible, Katze. Besides, those kids have a much better chance for a great life if they can fulfill the dreams of the upper class and when Hazall and Jerychio are able to conduct their studies, more of these kids can be taken out from the gutter and into the home of the rich. And who are you to judge them? You had them cutting your freaking cock off so that you could sleep on white, clean sheets. Not one of them was implanted without their consent, so they knew what was going on… each and every Pet signed a contract!

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'76):  
But they didn't know they were signing their own death certificate in case you got cold feet when the authorities came too close.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'77):  
Hey! Abandoning ship was not my idea! Once the ships are filled they belong to Hazall.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'77):  
So Hazall gave the orders to kill those youngsters?

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'78):  
Katze, Hazall gives orders about everything. Even that Blondie, Lord Jerichio, is owned by Hazall. He would be nowhere if that old man hadn't pulled that freight company out of the shit. Jerychio does have a lot of brains though and I'm quite sure he can pull this off.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'79):  
Well, this is way below my standards if I ever had any… let me have that cig now.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'79):  
Here… sit down…

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'00):  
No thanks.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'01):  
So what happens now… Bunny?

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'01):  
Papa, no matter what happens, I cannot let you have Raoul. Never. He is… mine… to bury… if I choose to.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'02):  
I am sorry you feel that way, Katze. I guess a few years with those Blondies did turn you soft.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'02):  
I guess they did. But you see… nothing you say can justify poaching either Pets or Blondies. I'm sorry to say it though. The Blondies didn't set the stage for these scenes, they are just trying to survive in the same way we are. You think your actions will make things right or set some sort of balance?

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'03):  
Balance? No… there is no balance in life. As for the scenes, someone has to be the Director… I'll leave that for Hazall for he likes to stand in the strobe lights, but I prefer being the producer rather than being the makeup guy or the asshole holding the microphone. You know… we all choose our parts: I made mine.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'05):  
You are right, Papa. We all have to make our choices.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'07):  
So what happens now, Kat? You know I can't let you go. Not after all of this.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'08):  
Well, then we are in the same boat, for you are just as trapped, Papa. Everything you've said has been recorded…

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'08):  
What?

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'08):  
_THIS IS THE TANAGURA POLICE FORCE. THE PERIMITERS ARE SURROUNDED. LAY DOWN YOUR WEAPONS AND SURRENDER. THE FORCE HAS PREMISSION TO SHOOT ON SIGHT – ALL ARMED RESISTANCE WILL BE DESTORYED._

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'09):  
Everyone! Get the fucking guns and move to the cars. Now! Katze, what the fuck have you done?!

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-22'09):  
I am wired, and you see this necklace? It's an alarm and I set it off. It takes two minutes for the troops to enter this building… and the time is already up. You tried to hurt Raoul, Papa, and that was a BIG mistake. This is personal and you're going down.

(Recording 47287- 4694-065-21'63):  
So this is loyalty, you son of a bitch? But if I go down, Katze, so do you…

/…/

The next thing I hear, my beloved pussycat, is the shot that takes you out. I don't know why you let it happen. Why didn't you draw the gun? I guess you made your choice too, didn't you? You chose to be a new person, but it wasn't right time then. The shot echoes on forever it seems and suddenly there is nothing but screams, weapons firing and explosions. It goes on and on and I get the shivers each time I listen to it. I hate this recording… it depicts your death. I heard it in court and I hear it now and I can't take it anymore. I am glad you survived, but we still have a long way to go.

I have to be in court tomorrow and thus I must prepare myself. I have no time to write more, but I will continue later.

* * *

**  
Court decision: 4694-096**

I am sorry, Katze, I have not been at your side today. I was called in for the hearing. Jupiter was ruthless and the jury merciless. It has been going on since the arrest of Lord Jerychio and Hazall and with them almost two-dozen more involved stood before the verdict. It took less than ten minutes for the court to deliberate. Jerichyio is to be destroyed along with Hazall and I cannot tell you what joy that brings to my heart. Your former friend, Papa Downs, is transferred to a maximum-security prison for thirty years awaiting the same fate as the others; eventually to be destroyed. Jupiter can be a bitch with a capital 'B' when she is in that mood. Am I wicked for feeling relieved?

A few weeks back, the day after the attack at the Honey District, I was present at the arrest of Hazall and Jerychio. I was talking to Carr at the hospital, taking a cup of coffee whilst being filled in with the details you withheld from me, and he asked me in case I wanted to follow him to the Federation building at the time of arrest. I wouldn't want to miss that for the world.

It was early morning, for Carr had already received the warrant to enter the building. Hazall and Jerychio were in a meeting with the new board to seal the contract regarding the Tangura Biomedical Center. I was to have a meeting with them the week after and officially hand over the entire market to them and thus I was viciously exultant about disrupting their meeting, accompanied by a dozen officers. The meeting room was filled with black-suits with expressionless stiff faces and hungry to make a good investment in my company; ripping it apart amongst themselves. They would devour it like predators and turn it into a den of indecency and immoral experiments.

Hazall looked at me with overwhelming disdain, furious at me for interrupting this meeting, and Jerychio returned that smug superiority he exuded the day he ripped my Aethelric from me. They were so sure that they had won and thus I felt an insatiable malicious itch as I set forth that the deal was off. Everyone looked at me with surprise and that hideous old man flew up from his chair, veins protruding underneath his skin as he roared for security to have us removed. At that time Carr stepped in and slammed the warrant with Jupiter's seal on the table and you know what my darling Katze? I got to set forth the lines my heart was aching to hear for so long; "Lord Jerychio, you are under arrest for the murder of Aethelric Wei." And I couldn't help but add; "I will have you annihilated, you bastard."

As for Hazall he was placed under arrest for embezzlement, and the murder of forty-six young Pets. Agatha was there and had a vicious little smile on her cute lips as she proclaimed herself as the new queen of the underground world. Indeed, I am sure there are new changes awaiting that world too. I know she is a harsh cookie at times, but trust my instincts in women, Katze, for she has a kind soul.

Her former Master, Theschel'rhiann Qhui, who is the minister of foreign affairs will be taking over the post as Trade Representative of the Federal Government. At least meanwhile. I am glad. I've known Lord Qhui for a along time and he is a respectable person.

I went to Aethelric's grave straight after the verdict and told him the good news. Call me mad, pussycat, but it was almost as if I could see his face shimmering through that headstone, smiling back at me. I think he has found peace at last and I feel I can move on. I can let him go and focus on the future; on us. He will always have a special place in my heart, and please do not ever feel you are competing, for that is not the case. But he turned my head towards a different direction that I needed in order to be where I am today. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for what he gave me - You.

* * *

**Iason: 4694:129**

Iason is already up on his feet. We broke his cocoon two weeks ago and now he has to exercise on a regular basis to give his muscles the tone and strength he once had. We have a tiny chip of the Argonaut treatment under his skin, which will have to be replaced in a decade, but I can proudly say that we have succeeded. I never imagined I would see him again and hearing him speak my name over the communicator fills me with such happiness. He will stay with me for a few more weeks and he follows me to the lab every single day to watch the development of Riki's new body. As I had told you before, Jupiter could not deny him his greatest wish, but of course, Riki will have to be an official Pet of Iason's and properly tagged for ownership. She is most pleased with the outcome of the research, for this means that within a year, Iason should be able to take his rightful position as the Syndicate boss again. I hated that job, but I am more than willing to be his advisor in the background. It will be like before, but still so much more different. I feel hope, Katze.

You see, Iason remembers a lot of details, especially clear are those that left powerful imprints, and have decided to tell Riki everything; even about Guy. I opposed at first, but it's their life and I agree that lies and secrets bring about heavy loads that just burdens you as the years pass. I should know, right? It's what drove you, Aethelric and me to this grave. Speaking of which, Iason came to Aethelric's grave with me yesterday. He was most intrigued with all that has taken place and you will have to forgive me, my darling, but I showed him your diary. It was easier than to speak. He read from afternoon till the morning without as much as lifting his gaze from the screen. I think he was touched and I think he was impressed and I think… you mean a lot to him.

Oh Katze, if we can ever escape this, I will never hold a single word untrue or unspoken to you. Please come back.

* * *

**Your first breath: 4694-131**

I cannot begin to tell you, pussycat, just how happy you made me today. We implanted the new cells a few days ago and they grew well. Today morning at exactly 07'63, you took your first breath completely on your own. We detached you from the life support system and so far, your little chest is heaving with deep, healthy breaths. In a few days time we will try to reintroduce your blood – it's washed and new blood cells are just waiting to course through your veins again. I've seen your first breath, now I am just waiting for you to open your eyes and speak your first words. I will spend a few days here with you.

I dozed off next to you, but was awakened by you pushing me around as you started turning in the bed. That is an excellent sign, pussycat, for it means that the sedatives are slowly wearing off and you have started dreaming again. I wonder if you are dreaming about me as well. I can't wait for you to wake up. I have so much to show you.

* * *

**Your first words: 4694-134**

You spoke! Katze, you spoke for the first time today! I was sitting in the armchair near your bed, snoozing to the calmness surrounding you when I suddenly heard a soft whisper. I thought I was dreaming, but as it was repeated over and over I knew it must have been you. You said; "Bunny."  
Can you believe it? That was your first word. You were lying on your side, facing the direction where Bunny was watching over you from the bedside table. He was the first thing you saw when you opened your eyes. I told you he was a guardian, and even eunuchs need someone to watch over them at times. I can do that, Katze. If you let me…

I rushed up to you and wrapped my arms around you. You lacked the strength to return the gesture, but the smile on your dry lips as you submerged in sleep in my arms was reward enough. To see that you felt safe with me was like balm to my soul. Soon I can stop writing in your diary and you can return to documenting the world from your view. I am awaiting that day with great anticipation.

* * *

**  
Your shocking discovery: 4694-136**

So far you had a catheter to aid the waste products to leave your body, but today was the first time you could go to the bathroom yourself. I hadn't told you anything about the modification to your body but I think it was worth every second of watching your reaction.

You were weary but told me you had to use the bathroom. I helped you out of the bed and you held on to me like there is no tomorrow for fear of losing balance and falling. Your patient-robe covered your front so I guess you didn't even give it a second thought when you sat down on the toilet. You leaned your forehead against the sink whilst relaxing enough for the urine to slowly trickle out of you… only it pelted against the floor and the dread from the notion that something was awfully wrong gave you such an adrenaline kick that you stumbled out of the bathroom and straight into my arms. You were stuttering incoherently whilst pointing at the yellow pool that had followed you from the toilet to the room and was now building up around you feet. I couldn't help but laughing and told you that you will most likely have to get used to the fact of 'tucking it in' when you sit down or you'll end up with wet feet.

I carried you to the shower and cleaned you off and all this time, your pretty ambers have been glued to your hips. It's almost as if you had never seen anything like it. I tried to communicate with you, but you were and still are completely absorbed with that new equipment of yours.

I must admit, it is very beautiful and I am looking forward to trying it, but your reaction was hilarious.

You kept on staring at it as you were sitting in the bed asking; "Is that mine? Is that a… a… is that mine?"

I just had to kiss you. It was our first, lasting kiss in a long time. I was so hungry for your lips that I couldn't tear myself away even when you were gasping for air. I removed my outer garment and snuck under the covers with you, holding you close until you fell asleep again. You look so peaceful when you sleep and once you get strong enough, I will present you with another surprise. I must admit that when you had submerged in deep sleep, I took the opportunity to touch you between the legs; to feel your manhood come alive in my hands… throbbing in my palms. It's beautiful, Katze. The texture is like heaven to my skin and the scent of you is intoxicating me. I long for you. I really do.

This is my last message to you, pussycat. You are getting better.

* * *

**Choices and redemption: 4694-145**

Artemisia!!! I am back!!! I am still a bit weak, meaning I can't run more than twenty minutes on a treadmill, but I am getting there. I've read through the few chapters Raoul had added to my Diary whilst I've been too weak and I can only say I am glad he found you before I had the chance to run away. I understand his anger and his determination to keep me close. I am glad he saved me.

I no longer want to dwell on the past, I want a clear future, so I will close the chapters to what was. I want to continue working for Raoul and I have accepted his offer to be his Pet.

*Peeking under the blanket* Yep, I have a ring too. *Smiling*

I know this sounds all so crazy for I've always wanted to be independent, but the condo is still vacant to be used whenever I need it. It will be sort of Riki's and my 'Bachelor's den', but my goal is to eventually move in with Raoul.

I can't begin to explain what it's like to see my body complete. To begin with, being able to breathe so easily. No wheezing of the lungs, no pain and no more coughing up blood. And of course, Raoul is making sure I will not fall back into my old habit of becoming a nicotine addict. I guess cigarettes are a part of my persona, but I promise I will never return to what was; not compromising my health again. Yes, you guessed it; those more expensive brands with cold flame and better filter and without addictive drugs. Smoking is now more of a social interaction for me, like drinking coffee, one that I will not take into exaggeration again. Of course, though Raoul keeps a close eye on my health (he is dead set on me not leaving this life before him) he does find my occasional smoking rather sexy (or so he says – and I believe him for I am quite sexy, aren't I? Hahaha.).

Apart from that… I have a penis! A dick, a knob… hehehe… I have a dick and it has a head… a dick-head and I like it. I can't even remember what it looked like, but what I have now is more than sufficient. It has a great size, not too big and not too small, although I have not had it in full use yet other than masturbating (yes, yes, I dare to admit) and practicing the "touchy-feely"-part on Riki (coming back to that later).

I'm still amazed how soft it is in my palm. The skin is like silk, so thin and elastic, and so sensitive. I know this sounds really crazy but even such a simple thing as going to the bathroom is exciting. I can feel the warmth from my belly spread all the way through that narrow passage before the water leaves my body. Hey! I can pee standing as well!!!

Seriously, I am a little afraid of it. I don't really know how to handle it, but hopefully it will be up to a test soon for I am invited to dinner at Raoul's house along with Iason and Riki. Oh, yes, Riki. He is doing well as I understand it. He has no recollection of the past, but he is mature enough to be open about what he finds out. His past is returning through the people he used to know, and has learned to know, and stories are fed to him in small portions. I think he is doing well and messing around together in that Bachelor's den does good for both him and me. He does get a bit physical now and then, and though I used to dislike that kind of closeness I no longer scurry away from probing hands and curious lips. Oh yes, he has talents, Artemisia. He has always been a horny little toad, and now there's the two of us. But though I sometimes feel like wanting more when he snuggles closer, I want to be inside Raoul first and after that… Riki's bum will be in trouble.

I am looking forward to spending the night with Raoul tonight. It'll be the first time we will be alone and together since I've been released from the hospital. I will let you know what has happened later on. Taking you with me though, for I might not return to the condo. I know Riki will go home to Iason – he winks at me from across the room as I ask him this. He is true to his nature though and chooses mainly dark colors getting dressed. He is a nice guy. I told him the other day that he used to be an annoying and indecisive nitwit, but I guess without all that angst, that raw attitude is peeled off and more of the true Riki the Dark is given the chance to shine through. Not that he lacks attitude; that is a part of who he is and I am sure Iason will have his hands full despite the fact that Riki is tamed. After all, Riki did return to him and that was all the evidence Iason needed to be reassured who owned his heart. I'm glad for them. Well, Riki is nagging at me… it's time to go. Talk to you later.

* * *

**New Life: 4694-117**

It's been two days and it's night again. Raoul is sleeping next to me and I am tapping away on my laptop, you that is. Wow, I've been put to the test over and over and I have discovered a completely new life and new opportunities with Raoul. After dinner the other day, we had a relaxing game of pool and watched a great movie. I've never seen Iason so relaxed and Riki so devoted as they were that evening; acknowledging each other with little glances, smiles and flirting. They are crazy in love I'd say, but I shouldn't be the one to talk. The night ended for me in Raoul's bed.

After following Iason and Riki to the door, our lips were glued together the entire journey to the master bedroom. Bits of clothing were dropped along the way and by the time we reached the bed we were both completely naked. My body was longing so much, I felt a certain pain from my groin. I looked down on myself and saw my member staring back at me with pride. He was weeping and throbbing, overwhelming me with emotions that washed over me as electrical spasms. I was getting short of breath and pulled Raoul close just to hide my body in his embrace. I was no longer kissing him, it felt like I was feeding through his mouth, devouring his offering of emotions. I had longed for this moment, yet I was ashamed and almost felt abashed exposing myself before him like this – it was like my first time. Well, this was my first time. I was losing my virginity again.

Raoul directed me on my back and as I lay on the bed he began his journey to discover my body with kisses and caresses. Raoul attended every inch of my body; from the curve of my neck to the waist and then hovered with that agonizing tension above my manhood. He smiled and liked his lips; I did the same almost if I was craving for the same deliciousness he was about to taste. He opened his mouth ever so slowly and inched his way down on my throbbing penis. It was a feeling unlike any other I had ever felt. My heart was pounding like crazy and I couldn't breathe for the powerful sensations his actions generated. I arched my back and pushed my head into the pillows panting a few encouraging breaths for him to continue. His tongue was attending my penis from top to bottom and he devoured it with such delight and passion that I nearly climaxed after a few strokes. Little did I know Raoul had only started his playful torture. I fisted his blanket and nearly ripped it in half when he slowly pulled away and left a cool trail of wetness along my entire shaft.

Raoul smiled with a radiant beam as he arranged his hair behind his back and asked me to give him the lubricant in the upper drawer of the bedside table. I watched with great anticipation as his fingers enclosed around me, covering me with slippery liquid and then attended his rear. The preparation itself was unbearable and I nearly lost my seed as he gently brushed his own member against mine to tease me. The last thing I could focus on, enough to remember the events, was Raoul slowly straddling my hips and carefully sliding down on me. I could feel every little feature inside his body enclosing around me; the strong muscle of his virgin portal as it reluctantly opened up for this endearing violation. It was posing a great resistance and thus causing Raoul a twinge, but he wanted it so badly – I wanted it so badly – that we pushed our emotions beyond that swift moment of pain. As a virgin, it didn't take long before I lost myself inside his body and our first night ended with only partial gratification, but we are getting there.

I can only say that tonight was even better than yesterday. Raoul was relaxing more and slowly he was finding a rhythm and position that suited him better when he let me inside. I am beginning to learn how to find his prostate and I can make him whimper my name with a stolen breath. Only a few hours ago my hands were firmly holding on to his hips, pulling him against me as I thrust forward. He was hugging the stack of pillow under his chest, casting an occasional glance at me to encourage the pace or the motions. I know he likes me taking care of him, but Raoul remains true to his Blondie nature, as he doesn't completely let go of his dominance and at times prefers to be the one behind me. I don't mind though. We are slowly reaching a balance between our cravings and demands, for I believe we both like a certain variation and that suits me well.

We both have an imagination that can take us far. We have looked through the recording from his previous encounters with the girls and recording from Aaryïn and came to the conclusion it was something we wanted to experience again. Yes, I mean both the girls and also playing the parts of BlueBunny and Trithorax; being at separate places and seducing each other at a distance. The possibilities were endless and our life together is long and intertwined. In this respect, since our lives began at Aaryïn, Raoul presented me with his surprise. He told me he booked a suite for us on that party island. So after the last remnants of this whole mess have cleared from the air on Amoi, we will take a vacation and head off for a few months – just enjoying and indulging in life.

As I see him lying next to me I get completely mushy. Raoul loves it when I am typing on you in the middle of the night. He said it gives him great pleasure to hear your silent keys softly tip-tap in the dead of the night and the faint light your screen gives off is just soothing. He feels safe knowing I am here and I feel safe knowing he is beside me. I am finding myself looking forward to the next day with Raoul and I'm finally content with life.

The possibilities are now endless…

Looking forward to a new tomorrow…

Good night Artemisia.

Love  
_**  
Katze Am**_


End file.
